The critic has spoken...

New reviews for some of last nite's performers are posted over at the Comedy Critic today. Check it out!

www.comedycritic.com

Congrats Karen, Angela, Laura and other Laura! Nice reviews, nice performances. Us Dallas chicks rock, don't we?

It's too early.

Wow, good morning. Is that the sun already? Geez, I wasn't ready for that. My head is pounding. I can't find my shoes. I am in desperate need of coffee.

I don't have much to chat about today. I'm feeling less than inspired at the moment. Not because I'm a whiny bitch, but because my head really hurts. And my feet are cold. Oh wait...I am a whiny bitch.

The Comedy Festival last nite was fun, even if a little slow. It's really cool to meet all these folks from out of town. I ended up doing 2 shows, but we didn't have much of an audience. I'm sure it will pick up tonite and tomorrow.

Seriously, what the hell did I do with my shoes? I'm pretty sure I had them on when I dragged my ass home this morning at 4:00.

I really want to see that new movie, "The Aristocrats". It sounds very cool, but I swear their website is obnoxious. Maybe it's just me, but it's just way too, what's the word, busy? You be the judge.
http://www.thearistocrats.com/

I may have to go get a pedicure, just so I can have those little disposable shoes. I love those.

This makes my 60th blog entry. That really isn't the least bit interesting, is it?

Have a lovely day. See you folks tonite. Unlike my shoes.

Happy Thursday, Happy Thoughts

Good morning all!

First off, thanks to everyone for wishing me well on the new job.
I feel a lot of love on this blog. :)

Last nite was the kick-off of the First Annual (we hope) Dallas Comedy Festival. There were 2 shows last nite, but since I was working the door I didn't get to see much of them. Comedy Sportz had a packed house - standing room only. Very nice. From what I saw it was a really good show, Dallas went up against New Orleans. I think New Orleans won, but our guys still rule. The audience left with smiles on their faces. That's always a good sign.

I'm at the Lone Star Room tonite at 7 PM. Come see me! Ticket prices are as follows:
1 show - $10
4 shows - $35
8 shows - $65
All Access Pass - $99

Tons of great shows are scheduled thru Saturday, so come out and support your local folks! Volunteers are still needed also, so if you have some time and want to help out, call Rob at the West End. Kudos to Jason and Marvin for taking on and organizing this monster schedule.

See you at the Festival!

Somebody up there likes me

Shortest stint of unemployment ever.

I was just offered a job that pays more than I was making, is about the same distance from home, and starts the Monday after my last day at my current job.

Who's a lucky girl?

Big huge thanks to my friend Lee for this wonderful opportunity. We've known each other since we were 10 years old. She and her partner started this company at home from nothing and have grown the business into an amazing entity. I'm thrilled to be a part of it.

I now know that I will not starve or have my car reposessed.

Life is good.

Here's a the company I will be working for. Check it out.
http://www.ellipseinc.com/home.asp

Job Update

As of August 5th, I am unemployed. Sucks to be me. Knew it was coming. Doesn't make it any better. This is not the summer of Jenn.

On the bright side....

dammit, I can't think of one today. I'll try harder.

Ok, I have a bright side....I just found out that they're opening an IKEA in Frisco. That makes me a little happier. I love that place. Has nothing to do with getting a job, I know. But it's a cool store!

David Duchovny, why don't you love me?

I have never been one to obsess over Hollywood people. For the most part, I don't find the 'it' boys attractive. Not the Brad Pitts, nor the Jude Laws or whoever else the kids are liking these days. Especially not Tom Cruise - what a weenie. Don't even get me started. But I do have a slight obsession with 2 famous people: David Duchovny and Henry Rollins.

I used to watch the X-Files religiously, just to see Agent Mulder brood and wax philosophical. He's very sexy when he's dark and depressed. Then he married that Tea Leoni biatch and it was all downhill. Haven't seen him around much in the last few years, I heard he directed a movie recently. I have seen every movie he's ever been in. "Playing God" was my favorite, because the character he played was what I had come to love about him. Darn shame he's happily married.

Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way about Mr. Duchovny. This girl even wrote a song about him. http://www.breesharp.net/lyrics/david.html

My other obsession: Henry Rollins. No one can quite understand this one. I was a Black Flag fan back in the 80's, and I've always found him interesting, even if he was angry and disturbed. I've been to see his 'spoken word' tour twice in the last few years. Standing room only, for 2 hours, just so I could hear him speak. I won't stand up that long for just anyone. He's very intelligent, extremely well spoken, and he is concerned about the world and the political motivation behind so many things. That's a great combination. But damn, I think he's hot too. Here's his website: http://21361.com/

Henry, if you're out there, next time you're in Dallas, come see my show, and let's have coffee. :)

Those are mine. What about yours? Who are you obsessed with? Tell me about it, I'm bored. And please, make it about a famous person. I'm in no mood to hear about how you long for your 5th grade teacher or the girl who lived next door to you in the second grade.

Yes, but is it a BATTERY???

Hi folks. I don't have much to write about today, but I thought this was kinda funny.

Saturday morning, Emily and I were passing a store called "Batteries Plus". Being the crazy mom that I am, I dared her to go in and ask if they sold....batteries. So she did. The guy wasn't amused, but I was. Much giggling ensued. Well worth the dollar she asked for in exchange for being my puppet. (I love that my kids have a crazy sense of humor like mine.)

It would have been really funny if he said, "No, we don't sell batteries here." I like it when people play along. Wasn't gonna happen with this guy.

But, I did actually need some batteries, so while I'm at the register, his co-worker is helping another customer. The conversation went like this:

Battery guy: "Can I help you find something sir?"

Customer: "Um, yeah, can you take a look at this? I'm not sure what I need for it."

Battery guy: "Sure. Is it a battery?"

Customer: "Well I'm not sure. It needs something, I'm just not sure what."

Battery guy: "Yes, but is it a BATTERY? That's what we have here, sir. BATTERIES!"

Beligerent battery boys with no sense of humor. Absolutely made my day.

Thou doth protest too much

Good Sunday morning to you! My coffee is brewing and I'm in a writin' mood.

My Saturday: We did the fake protest for the Comedy Festival yesterday. If it wasn't obvious that I'll do anything for comedy, it certainly is now. Do you know how hot it was out there? If it wasn't way over 102 degrees, I'd be surprised.

There were about a dozen of us, comics and improv folks. My daughter Emily went along. She carried a smaller sign that said "Comedy Stunts Your Growth". She handed out flyers like a pro, not letting anyone slip past her. She even flyered the cars in the parking garage as we were leaving. What a trooper. That's my girl!

We started off at the West Village, but not enough people showed up so we went on to the next location. At Mockingbird Station, the DART police ran us off. Those ladies sure gave us some attitude, didn't they? Geez. Female law enforcement officer = no sense of humor. I was hoping someone would get arrested, that would have been funny. My daughter was a little worried when the police got involved, saying, "I don't think my dad would approve of this!" Ha! Yeah, I could see having to explain that to him. "Um, yeah, hi, we need you to come pick us up. Where are we? Um, hmm. Funny story about that. You're gonna laugh!"

So then we went down to the shops in front of the Angelika, but security said we couldn't stand there either. We figured if we kept moving, no one would bother us, so we walked around the block. People honked, and read our signs. I don't think they got it, but we did garner a bit of attention.

There's a great article in the Dallas Voice about Doug, Rob and the Comedy Festival.
Check it out: http://www.dallasvoice.com/articles/dispArticle.cfm?Article_ID=6357

The Observer also did a write up about it:
http://www.dallasobserver.com/Issues/2005-07-21/calendar/performance.html

I will be there every day, performing in two shows and working in some capacity the rest of the time. It's gonna be a busy week, but I'm so looking forward to it. Big hugs to Doug and Rob for putting this whole thing together. You guys are the best!

And now my coffee is ready. I'm off to caffeinate myself.

Thanks, Gary

This is my autograph from Tommy Chong that I got today. Well, Gary got it for me, after I begged. Tommy is in town at Hyena's this weekend.

I used to listen to my mom's Cheech and Chong albums when I was a kid. Geez, did I just say albums? Now you know I'm old.
She also had Richard Pryor on 8-track. :)

Thank you, Gary!

Dallas Comedy Festival

Hey guys! I finally have a schedule to share with you. I will be performing in the following shows at The Dallas Comedy Festival:

Thursday, July 28th
New Faces of Comedy
Lone Star Room
7:00 PM

Saturday, July 30th
Road Comics
Lone Star Room (I think)
11:00 PM

Funny, I'm not a 'road comic'. Unless you count driving downtown a couple of times a week. I do live in the suburbs.

I've apparently been left off the "Ladies of Comedy" show, but that's cool. Who ever said I was a lady? :)

Come see me! Don't make me beg! We need all the support we can get.

I just "googled" myself. I'm listed 5 times in a comedy-related way. Wow, that was cool.
Thanks for the idea, Billy McFarland!

That moment....

People ask me all the time what made me decide to be a comedian. I'm sure all you comics out there have a story of the very moment when you realized you should be paid for the funny stuff that comes out of your mouth. Here's mine.

I was living in Houston, we had just moved there for my husband's job. I was on my way home from a job interview, and my car caught on fire. If this has never happened to you, good. I hope that it doesn't, it was quite terrible.

I had just turned onto my street, and the car started smoking. Then I see flames shooting out from under the hood. This is not good. I have my two youngest kids in the car with me and I start to panic. I pull over in front of an apartment complex, and there's a lady standing there. She sees that there are kids in the car, so she runs over and pulls my son and his carseat out of the back, while I try to free my daughter from her seatbelt. We make it out of the car safely. This sweet lady who saved my children doesn't speak a lick of english. Her son comes downstairs and says I can use their phone.

I am completely hysterical of course. I call my husband, he can't understand a word I'm saying. By the time the fire department shows up, the car is burned about 3/4 of the way through. Not much left at all. The cops show up, and about a dozen tow trucks. Welcome to Houston! Half of the tow trucks left when they saw the mess they were dealing with.

When they towed it away, it left a giant, black burn spot on the concrete, with a bunch of miscellaneous car shrapnel lying around.

One of the police officers came over to get my information. He's taking down my name and address and insurance details, and in the midst of all this, I stop and ask him: "Are you going to give me a ticket for littering?"

He laughed. I cried. But damn, it was funny. I have the unique ability to keep my sense of humor, even in the most awful situations.

That was the moment I decided to be a comedian. And it's all downhill from there, folks. :)

I really should get some work done...

...but this is so much more fun!

I know I said 'no more personal shit'.

However, I don't want to leave you all today thinking that I'm going to go and stick my head in the oven or anything like that. I haven't been the happiest person lately, and although it does make for some fantastic writing, I think I've come across as far sadder than I actually am. This has been a really crappy couple of weeks for me, a lot of things have been going on, I'm dealing with a lot of issues. But I'm moving on. Slowly but surely. I am the coolest chick ever, and I have a lot of great things going on. Comedy, writing, it's all going so well, and I am very happy about that. And can I just say that I have the greatest bunch of people in my life? I'm a lucky girl.

Sadness?
No more!*

(*Yes, I stole that from you. It fits and it makes me giggle. And it's not so much stolen as it is borrowed. Don't be mad, you can have it back at the end of this message. :)

And...I think I've finally figured out who the bitchy anonymous poster was who caused me grief last week, when all I was doing was trying to make light of a ridiculous situation. Wasn't who I had originally thought. Still no need for it, but I can understand her wanting to get her friend's back.

Just stay the hell off mine.

Blog drama?
No more!*

Hugs to those who deserve them.
Punch in the face to everyone else.
YOU figure out which category you're in. If you have to ask, you probably already know.

(*Ok, you can have it back now.)

Impulses and Accidents

Good morning, my faithful blog followers. Hoping for something funny today? I will disappoint you for sure then. I'm not nearly as peppy and upbeat today as I had hoped I would be. Couldn't possibly be all the drinking and craziness lately, could it? Perhaps.

We had Craft Night at the West End, that was fun! We made posters for the 'protest' that they are staging this weekend. I'm taking my kids, by golly. They can hold up signs that say "Comedy Took My Trust Fund" or "Knock, Knock! Who's There? Evil Comedy!"

After crafts, I spent the rest of the evening with my crazy new girlfriend*, Dana, who could probably get me into a lot of trouble.

(*When I say 'girlfriend'...you girls know what I mean. We're friends. Guys think when you say girlfriend, it means you're making out. I haven't crossed over...yet.)

Do you ever have to stop yourself from writing or saying something, because no matter how much you want it to be, it's NOT all about you? I suffer from this condition a lot. I take things too personally when I shouldn't, and I think things are about me when they're clearly not about me at all. It's not that I am an egomaniac, in fact, quite the opposite. I have a boat load of self-esteem issues from way back. So this condition makes absolutely no sense to me.

Another condition of mine is Impulse. Impulse is a bad thing at times. I'm an impulse shopper, which is bad; an impulse writer, which can be good and bad; and, some nites, an impulse flirter. Some of you have seen this. (You really should take notes, I'm quite good at it. But I digress.)

Impulse has led me to do things recently that I wouldn't normally do, because it makes me feel good, if only temporarily, to do them. Impulse can lead to things that you might later refer to as accidents. Or even mistakes. And that's never good. A life without regret, that's what I want. Can I buy one on e-bay?

I stopped someone from acting on an impulse last nite. She was grateful. Now if I could just stop acting on mine. I'm trying to be rational, but I feel that I'm beating a dead horse here, and it's starting to smell.

It's not all about you, Jenn. It's not all about you. It never was. Let it go.

Don't you guys love it when I talk to myself in third person?

Jenn is currently accepting applications for her next bootie call. No talking or commitment required. Must think I'm funny. Apply within.

(And yes, I have edited this a couple of times today, in case anyone is paying attention. Obsessive compulsive disorder, it ain't just for breakfast anymore. :)

Old School Punk

I just realized that it's 1:30 in the afternoon, and I have yet to write anything today. I hate to disappoint my groupies, so here's a little something.

Open mic was a bust last nite. Not enough comics showed up, but that was ok cuz I got home early for a change. My daughter was thrilled. Well, not really.

I'm sitting in my office today, listening to the Dead Kennedys. That brings back some memories. I used to be quite the 'punk' when I was younger. I had a mohawk and everything. Yes, I know how difficult it is to picture me with one, but trust me, it was there. My kids have a hard time believing it too.

I used to hang out in "Deep Ellum"when I was a teenager...but back then, it wasn't "Deep Ellum", it was just a couple of bars on Elm Street where you could drink all the beer you wanted for $3 and slam dance til you puked. (They call it 'moshing' now. I'm so old school.)

I remember seeing some cool shit down there, at the Twilight Room, The Theater Gallery and the Prophet Bar.

I saw the New Bohemians before they were famous. I saw the Butthole Surfers when only people in Dallas had ever heard of them. I saw the Circle Jerks and wondered where they got such a name. I was a little naive back then. :)

I saw a guy jump off the roof across the street from the Twilight Room - and live. He got right up and walked away. And I remember thinking, what kind of drugs does that guy have? I was certain that I didn't want any.

I saw skinheads beat the shit out of some guy and take his Doc Marten's.

I saw the cops beat the shit out of a skinhead because he flipped them off. And probably because he was a skinhead. Cops in Big D didn't much care for them.

Those guys, the skinheads, never bothered me. In fact, I was friends with quite a few of them, for quite some time. I always root for the underdog, the misunderstood people in our society, because apparently, I'm an idiot. No, I'm not a racist, and when I finally figured out what they were all about, I took off. (Did I mention I was naive?) They don't like it when you take off. You might know too much and tell the wrong people. But that whole business is a story in itself, and I'll get to that another day.

A couple of years later, when I wasn't hanging out downtown anymore, I saw a copy of "D" Magazine in a grocery store. There was an article by Skip Hollandsworth about the underground punk scene in Dallas. I picked it up and flipped through it - and saw pictures of all the people I used to hang out with. That was wild. I bought it, and I still have it.

Good times.

And finally, wow, you've gotta see this. Check out this link. Has to be one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Everyone has a secret...
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

End of the day...

A friend of mine sent this to me today, and it made me laugh.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

LMAO.

Open Mic tonite at Scooter's tonite, folks. Email me, call me, or just show the hell up.
Please come if you can!

Labor, birth, repeat

I was thinking the other day about when my kids were born. They're all so big now, I can't believe how they've grown. Seriously, I can't even grow house plants, I'm suprised they made it this far!

I had just turned 20 years old when my first daughter was born. I was married to the heroin addict, and this was the first child for both of us. Luckily, the day I went into labor, he had just been released from jail so he was able to drive me to the hospital.

It was 7:30 on a Friday morning in January. It was cold. I was very uncomfortable. The car we had at the time had been given to us by a friend of his who was a repo man - a 1977 Toyota Corolla. It was a standard, about as big as an egg, and for some reason the gear shift was in the glove box. The husband asked if I thought I could shift while he drove. Um, no, I'm busy preparing to shoot a small person out of my body, you'll have to shift yourself.

He gets the notion that we need to take a short cut to the hospital. A short cut. Two hours later, we arrive at the ER. Never trust a short cut from a junkie. The only short cuts he knew would have led to a score, and although I was in a lot of pain, I was in no mood for all that!

I go inside, they check me, and a delightful little nurse with a heavy Southern accent says to me, "Well, sugar, it looks like y'all are gonna have a baby today!" I knew this, but I started to panic anyway.

"No, I'm not ready, I need to go home and make some phone calls."

Yeah, that was gonna happen. She just laughed and gave me an enema.

The pain didn't start to get really bad until the afternoon, at which time I begged for some sort of medication. I was in the county hospital, as we had no insurance, so I figured the best I would get was an aspirin. They surprised me by providing a shot of Demerol. Yikes. I puked, but the pain got a little better. I stayed in the labor room for hours, vomiting every time a contraction hit.

Finally they say I'm ready, and start to wheel me down the hall into a delivery room. They stop in the middle of the hall to pick up some paperwork, and the nurses tell me not to push, just to hang on for a few minutes. Sorry, ladies, this child is coming out. I threw my legs up in the air and made the most god-awful noise you've ever heard. My mother heard me screaming from the waiting room. They grabbed my bed and rushed me into the delivery room, so I'd stop scaring the other patients.

The pain, oh my god, the pain! It was harsh, and it seemed like it would never go away. I'm screaming, I'm crying, I'm pushing, I'm puking, and my husband is sitting there with this stupid, goofy-ass look on his face. I just wanted to punch him, but I refrained.

Finally, after hours of agonizing pain and all that suffering, she was born. It was a wonderful moment. She was pretty cute for a newborn. I was ready to relax and rest. I started to doze off after I got to see her and make sure that she was ok. I drifted off into a happy sleep, no more pain, I was so relieved! I had only been out for about 10 minutes, and my favorite nurse comes in and wakes me up.

And in that most wonderful Southern accent, she says to me: "Now sweetie, I know this is your first baby and all, so I have to show you this. In order for your uterus to go back to its na'mal size, what you have to do is take your fist, shove it in your stomach, and twee-est. Here, let me show you..." and proceeded to punch me in the gut repeatedly with her sharp little fist.

Are you kidding me?

And the screaming returned. So much for my happy nap.

The amazing thing is that I actually chose to do this two more times! I'll tell you about those another day, I'm exhausted from this one.

Food Issues

Thought I'd share something a little different today.

I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life, as many of you know. Looking back now, I wasn’t really fat when I was younger. A little chunky, but not fat. I was a size 10 in high school. If you weren't a size 2 in my town then you were a cow. God I really hated high school.

At the age of 10, my mother put me on my very first diet. The reason? My step-father-at-the-moment told her my ass was getting too big. My only question - why the hell was he looking at my ass? But my mother took it to heart, and began packing ‘special’ lunches for me and serving me diet shakes for breakfast. I don't know if you recall the diet shakes that were available in 1978. Sego, I think they were called. Horrible, thick, mucous-like sludge with artificial strawberry-esque flavoring. Shudder. The diet was going well though. That is, until I started fainting every time I stood up. And the hives were a little itchy. And so began my dieting career, and a lifetime of food issues.

Thanks, mom. Thanks a lot.

Fun stuff, huh? Who's got Ho-Ho's?

Progress and Acceptance

I'm still a bit on the sad side, but I have made progress on another front, which makes me happy.

If you've been reading the old Jenn blog for a while, then you'll understand why this is a breakthrough for me. If you haven't, then this will mean absolutely nothing to you. (You can refer to my entry "Surrounded by a Gemini" for clarification. This has nothing to do with recent events.)

I actually sat and watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm yesterday, for the first time since October.

Closure. That's what that is. Closure and acceptance. With that one, anyway. There are still a couple of songs I can't listen to, but I'm getting there! Gives me a little bit of hope. If I can get over that one, then I'm not nearly as ridiculous as I once thought.

I will leave you with this little tidbit, ladies...something I've learned that I should have known a long time ago: If a guy tells you in the very beginning that's he's an asshole, and that you will end up hating him - TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT. He's probably right. I really need to start believing them when they tell me that.

"I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down."

Weekend Catch-Up

It's amazing how early I can get up when I don't actually have to.

Rained a lot here yesterday. We blame my daughter.

I love Sunday mornings. I was sitting outside, having my coffee, and the big fat guy that lives across the street from me was mowing his lawn. What's great about it is, he has his headphones on and he sings really loud to whatever he's listening to. Doesn't even stop singing when he sees me sitting there. He just waves and keeps on mowing and belting out his off-key lyrics. I think it was Brittney Spears today.

I heard from Seth, who heard from Dustin that my name and my 'cake' joke were mentioned on the radio. How cool is that? Wish I'd heard it myself.

My son and I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yesterday. I've never been more convinced that Tim Burton has the best drugs in Hollywood. We loved it, I thought it was a great interpretation. I won't spoil it for anyone, but there was a lot less singing and a lot more background on Willie Wonka. Some of the lines made me laugh out loud - then I realized I was the only one laughing. Too many small children in the theatre who didn't get irony or the clever nature of the writing. Johnny Depp was just a tad creepy, but he was perfect for the part.

I like eating at the movies, because everything comes in a box. (When I thought of that, I swear it was Mitch's voice.)

Can I just tell you how cool it is when my son sings along in the car with me? From Nine Inch Nails to the B-52's, that kid knows music. And he's not at all off-key.

My horoscope today:

"You've been polite, considerate and attentive to everyone, just as usual. You've even gone out of your way to be nice to at least one someone who might not deserve it. Enough. Just walk away. It's time."

Thanks, horoscope. I've always said my kindness will be the death of me.

But not today. Too much to do! I shall be partying with my new crazy girlfriend later this evening. Maybe she'll let me see her boobs. In the meantime, more writing to do.

One last thing...I'd like to send a hug out to my friend and former co-worker, Debbie, who lost her job last week and headed to Mexico for a relaxing vacation. Hope they have some awesome room service.

Have a fantastic Sunday everyone!

Creative Assistance

For all you awesome bloggers out there, I wanted to share a link that I came across recently. I've been doing a LOT of writing, and I thought this was hella cool:

www.creativewritingprompts.com

They have over a hundred different suggestions of things to write about. Just click on one of the numbers, and it will give you something like, "Write about the color of hunger", or "Write a letter to the teacher who gave you a hard time in high school or grade school". What fun! Hope you find it helpful.

j

Irony

My teenager hates comedy.

Well, not really. She hates that I do comedy. It takes me away from home, pretty much every night of the week. Most nights I'm home at a decent hour, but on occasion, I won't make it home until very, very late. Last nite was one of those occasions. (That word never looks right when I type it, and I know I spelled it correctly.)

I went to the Bar of Soap open mic, which starts really late to begin with. Great turnout of comics. I had an ok set, not fantastic but it was ok. After I went up, I was invited over to some friends' house for late-nite, homemade Thai food. Kudos to my friend's boyfriend who should probably look into being a chef. Best meal I've had in months! Next thing I know, it's 3 AM, and my phone is ringing. It's the teenager.

"Mom, why aren't you home yet? Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Yes, honey, I know it's very late. I told you I would be late, it's Thursday."

"You didn't say you'd be this late! You need to get home, you have to work tomorrow."

"I know, I know. I'll be home soon."

"You better be! You're not getting enough sleep, you need your rest. And why didn't you call?"

"Um, I did, didn't you get my message?"

"You didn't leave me a message, mother. Don't even go there."

"Not falling for it, huh?"

"Not a chance. Get home safely."

Ahh, the irony. My life is so freaking funny.

I've tried to explain to her how cool it is to hang out with all these comics, how much I learn from them and that this truly is all (hopefully) building up to something good. I told her that one of my friends had gotten to open for a famous comic last year. Well, he wasn't technically the opener, he was the guy who went before the guy who went before the guy. What do you call that spot?

That's the mike check guy, she says.

She is not at all impressed. But I love her.

Coolest Mom Ever

Have I mentioned my awesome kids lately? If you haven't had the pleasure yet of meeting them, let me just say that I have the three coolest, funniest, most wonderful children in the world. Yes, I'm a little biased.

My daughter, Emily, will be turning 13 in August. Christopher just turned 11 in May, and my oldest daughter, Lauran, is 16. Yeah, you've heard me tell a couple of jokes about her. She laughs at them too. Geez, I can't believe how old they are. They make me laugh a lot. They've made me cry too, but that comes with motherhood. No one can love you or hate you quite like your own offspring. Little button pushers that they are.

Emily's favorite band is Green Day, she is completely nutty over those guys. Yeah, I like them too, but not like she does. Give me Cake any day. I like cake. Hahaha. Green Day is going to be in Dallas in August, and I thought it would be cool if I could take her to see them for her birthday. I am the cool mom.

A couple of months ago, a local radio station (www.kdge.com) was giving away tickets before they went on sale. I figured my chances of getting through were nada, but we called anyway. To my surprise, we got through and the DJ asked that we answer a trivia question in order to win. Well, I have no clue about Green Day trivia, but I figured my daughter would know, being a big fan and all. Silly me!

The question was, Billie Joe has a son, whose middle name has something to do with Austin Powers - what's his middle name? What? How would I know a thing like that? Emily says, "He looks like Mini Me?" Nope, that wasn't it. She gave another hint, we were still clueless. I begged, literally begged this woman to give us a break. The tickets are for my daughter, I said. It's going to be her birthday, I said. She gave us more hints:

Something you keep your kids away from.
Michael Jackson?
No!

It rhymes with "Manger"
Oh!

The playback of it on the radio was edited to sound as if we got the answer right away. Too funny. Just me screaming, "Danger! His middle name is Danger!!" And that, my friends, was the correct answer.

Guess who's going to see Green Day for her 13th birthday.

Coolest mom ever. And a big shout out to Jessie, Diva Radio, the coolest DJ in Dallas. Now if I could just win some System of a Down tickets for myself, that would rock! And some cake would be nice.

Late Nite Blogging

Technically, it's tomorrow, so this may be my entry for the day. Why the hell am I up so late? Yawn.

Open mic at West End went well. They've asked me to be the new producer. What does that mean exactly? I get to carry around the flashlight and the stopwatch and be the bad guy. Yay! Not a role I'm used to, I'm not a very confrontational person, but what the hell! I'll be doing some promoting, and helping Johnny out as well. We have some ideas for getting more people in, I'm excited about that. Good crowd tonite. I'm hoping we can pull in a good crowd every week. Lots of work to do.

We won't be having an open mic there for the next 2 weeks in lieu of festival preparations. I hear we get free beer next week if we're willing to make some posters. I'll draw pictures for beer, won't you? Craft Night!

I'll be hosting or doing something at the Midnight Rush on August 6th. Awesome. I hadn't planned on it, but they need me to fill in. I have a 9:00 PM show in South Dallas, and then downtown at midnight. Wow, look at me being popular. My schedule continues to get crazier. I'm not complaining, believe me. I love this.

No more personal shit. I can't take the drama, wherever it's coming from. Back to the things that mean the most to me - my kids, my comedy, and my friends.

Oh, and the bj's. Can't forget about the bj's. LOL!!! Oh, I'm single, nevermind all that!

As crappy as the week began, it's getting better. Thanks for having my back guys. I've had several nice self esteem boosts in the last couple of days. A hot guy was hitting on me, and a gay man said I'm the only woman who could make him go straight. Thanks, sweetie, that's going on my resume.

I'll leave you with this: If you're being pulled over by a cop on the toll road and you're about to go thru the booth, do you still have to pay the toll? I think the flashing lights may be enough of a distraction that the booth person wouldn't notice if you threw your money in or not. What are they gonna do, call the cops?

Goodnight y'all. And Happy Birthday Mom! Dinner this weekend! :)

Decisions, decisions

I took down an earlier entry due to the drama that ensued. I thought I might just leave it up and giggle, but I changed my mind.

I've broken 2 of my own personal rules recently. Yes, big surprise, Jenn has 'rules'. Not many, but a couple of very important ones have jumped up and bitten me on the ass. I should have known better.

Rule #1: Never, never, never date/hook up with a comic.

Technically, I didn't break this one, but I'm amending it to include "or anyone even slightly resembling a comic", or perhaps "anyone who has ever told a joke, or even thought about it", or even still, "anyone who is funny".

The reasoning? I think of you guys as co-workers, and you shouldn't date at the office. No good can come from it. Sorry, guys, comics just have way too many issues, myself wholeheartedly included. (Den mother loves ya anyway! Who wants a cookie?)

Rule #2: Never, never, never write about anything too personal on my blog.

What was I thinking??

Putting on my funny face and heading downtown. Peace.

Shout Outs and Epiphanies

A couple of things...I would like to give a very HUGE thank you to my very good friends, Karen and Seth.

On Monday, instead of a writing session, Seth ended up in the middle of my crying/stupid girl session, probably slightly annoyed at that. Really hard to write jokes between sobs, I know. Thank you for not smacking me up side the head. You are one of my very best friends. (And pretty damn funny too!) Thanks. It's not easy to be friends with girls, I know. You rock. And yes, I know I did the right thing.

Karen - you have been there for me at my most horrible moments, and for that I can't thank you enough. We are so gonna rock on this new project, and I can't wait to see it come together. We've got such a great team put together on this and I'm thrilled! Thanks for being my friend.

We meet so few people who have a direct and positive impact on our lives, and I'm glad that you guys are two of those people for me.

Something happened to me in the car earlier when I went to get my lunch. I heard a song that completely summed up how I've been feeling lately. Does that ever happen to you? You hear a song, and every single word of it is so apropos to your life at that moment that it was as if you wrote it yourself? Wow, that was wild. And it made me realize that I'm going to be fine. Just another speed bump on the road of life. I feel better now, as I write this, because I know that good things happen to good people. And I am a pretty damn good person.

I promise, the funny shit will return soon.

No Clever Title

Good morning, blog junkies! I'm feeling some blog guilt for not posting anything yesterday. I've had a rough couple of days. Too many things to go into detail, I'm a bit of a mess right now, emotionally and otherwise. But, worry not, my friends, I shall bounce back from this temporary adversity. I always do. I'm a trooper.

Speaking of troopers....Can I just tell you all how LUCKY I AM today to NOT be in jail??? Yes, I was pulled over last nite on my way home, and yes, I had been drinking. I got a ticket and a lecture from a short, mean, female state trooper. Be careful out there friends. I am one lucky bitch.

Speaking of luck...wow, I love segues...I won $50.00 on a scratch-off lottery ticket today. My luck is going pretty well after having such a crappy week's beginning! If I had a boyfriend, I would be inclined to take him out for dinner. Fortunately I do not, so my awesome kids will be the recipients of my good fortune.

Open Mic last nite at Scooter's went great! I know you won't believe me when I tell you this, but we actually had an audience! Wow. So that's what laughter sounds like in that room! Who knew?
Nice turnout of comics, thanks to everyone who went up. I think my last count was 12 comics. Very cool, and so much fun. Plus, this totally hot guy was hitting on me after the show. That was awesome. I needed the ego boost. Damn he was hot.

I am very much enjoying this little blog community we have going on, reading and commenting and supporting each other. Gives you just a smidge of validation to know that someone is paying attention to what you have to say. Works for me.

Designate a driver folks, and could someone pass me a box of Kleenex?
*****************************************************************
On a personal note....specifically to the person who has made me an emotional wreck this week:

Thanks for the blog mention. Apology accepted. I don't hate you. I will avoid the blog and any further comments as I don't want to upset anyone and cause an "international incident".
Do you realize that you have upset women on 2 continents? You got skillz.

And if she happens to glance in this direction...I'm not the bad guy. Seriously. Don't blame me, don't hate me. I'm actually a pretty cool chick. Blame him. All his fault. Men. Can't live with them, can't legally bury them alive. What can you do? :)

Peace and hugs you guys. Take care.

For Blogness Sake

I really should be in bed by now. I'm exhausted. What a day. But, what the hell, I'll share.

I finally got to see the DVD of my showcase in June. It was cool. As much as I hate to see myself on video, I sat through it, and here's what we thought about it:

My critique:
1. I stepped on my punch lines
2. I need to work on my throwaways
3. I laugh really loud - not during my set, but others. But we knew this.

Seth's critique:
Good set, Jenn.

Thanks man. Critique me tomorrow.

On a completely unrelated note - does anyone know how to re-attach a side mirror on a Grand Am? Or know of any job openings? Will tell jokes for food?

Worst. Day. Ever.
Well, for me anyway. On the upside - I've made someone in another country very happy. You win. Yay.

I'm Mr. Brightside.

Who's getting me drunk at Scooter's tomorrow nite?

Mondays. I hate Mondays.

This won't be very funny or interesting, just so you know. Now that I've been blogging pretty much every day, I suppose you all have come to expect it from me! I hate to disappoint, but I'm not feeling very chatty today. In fact, I dare say I'm not even in a good mood! I know, I know, that's hard to take. I'll snap out of it, probably later this evening when I get to see my showcase DVD for the first time.

My job may be coming to an end soon. No, not due to my poor attendance and complete lack of focus. They call it 'downsizing'. Business isn't good and things have to be done about that. It hasn't happened just yet, but it's imminent. I just love having something to look forward to, don't you? Not that I'm worried, really. I can get a job, I have skills. I just hate the entire job hunting process. The last time this happened to me, I was unemployed for 6 months. That was rough.

Did you know that while you're collecting unemployment, you are only required to apply for 3 jobs a week? Only 3! So I followed their rules - one week I applied for jobs as a pilot, a brain surgeon, and a chemical engineer.

They said nothing about applying for jobs for which you are actually qualified.

I love semantics.

The high from winning on Saturday is gone. I want it back. I was hoping it would carry me for a few more days. Ah, the ups and downs of being a performer.

A friend of mine posed a question on his blog: If you were a food, what would you be and why? I pondered this for a bit, and came up with what I would be if I were a food: I would be Ice Cream. Why? Because it's a low-maintenance food, easy to store and no cooking involved. It's yummy and something you look forward to, but if you're not careful, it will melt away. And, if you have too much, it will make you sick. That's me in a nutshell.

Call me Fudgesicle.

Hope to see you folks at open mics this week. I'll try to pep it up a bit.

This just in...over 1000 hits on the old jenn blog. You like me! You really like me! :)

Bang a Gong

Greetings friends! I know you're all sitting on pins and needles...ouch, I bet that hurts! Sit somewhere else!

I'm happy to report that I won last nite's Gong Show at Ben's Halfyard House. Yay! I can't believe you got the gong, Seth, I truly can't believe it. You're still funny, man. Gong or no gong, you are one funny mother effer. :)

We had one singer, 2 magicians, and the rest comics. It was a great show all around, and the audience rocked! I did really, really well. Seth said it was the best set he's seen me do so far.

I'll be in the finals on August 27th, going up against Laura Cole, Dustin Ybarra and a bunch of other funny people. Best of luck to everyone! It's gonna be fun. I'm too tired to be clever today, but just to recap, here's what I've made so far doing comedy:

$123.00 US Dollars
$50.00 in Ben's Bucks (came in handy for that bar tab last nite!!)
9 glasses of Chardonnay
5 beers
2 shots
One free eyebrow wax
and a partridge in a pear tree. No, not really. I hate birds.

Thanks to my friends who came out to cheer me on. I'm having a blast, and I sure enjoy sharing it with you guys.

Wedding Bells Toll for Thee

My horoscope for today:
"Being proud of your friends isn't anything new. If you didn't admire and respect them, you wouldn't be as close to them as you are. Even better? Those feelings are mutual. If that doesn't make you smile, nothing will."

I just received word that my long-time friend and current roommate is getting married! May I offer my most sincere congrats to the happy couple, Sara and Bob. (Seriously, that wasn't sarcastic at all, I swear!)

Sara and I have been friends for about 15 years. Her luck with relationships has been about like mine - crap. But Bob is a great guy, and I know that they are going to be very happy together. The event will be in August, and I'm sure I will have scads of assisting to do.

So raise your glasses to the soon-to-be newlyweds. Here's hoping that monogamy doesn't kill you both.

In other news....I'm looking for a new roommate. :)

July/August Schedule

Here's where I'll be for the next few weeks. Come see me!

Saturday, July 9th - 9:00 PM:
The Gong Show
Ben's Halfyard House, Greenville @ Walnut Hill, Dallas
No cover/admission charge

Friday, July 22nd - 8:00 PM:
Town and Country Cigar
Euless, TX
No cover/admission charge

July 27-31
Dallas Comedy Festival
West End Comedy Theatre and various other venues
Don't have an exact date/time or ticket prices just yet, stay tuned.

Friday, August 5th, Midnite:
The Midnite Rush Stand-Up Comedy Showcase
West End Comedy Theatre, Dallas
Tickets are $15.00, $10.00 with flyer.

Saturday, August 6th, 8:00 PM:
The X-tra Ranch, 'invitational' open mic
Hosted by Frank Hasty

Sometime very soon I'll be trying my luck with 'clean' material at the Backdoor Comedy Club. I'll let you know when I feel clean enough to do it. Three minutes? I can do three minutes.

Staying very busy, obviously. I've been doing a lot of 'serious' writing as well, and I hope to complete another section of that project within the next couple of weeks. I'd rather not unveil the details just yet. I have two very good friends looking over it for me, and that's plenty for now. Who knew I had this in me?

Thanks for all your support and encouragement, it means the world to me. Seriously. I love you guys. Who wants a hug?

Emcee Hammered

Good morning my friends. It's a lovely day in Addison, Texas, as I look out my office window.....wait, it looks like rain. That's ok, we could use some. Life remains sunny. Damn I'm a happy and optimistic chick lately. What's up with that?

Hosted the West End open mic last nite. Why is it that the emcee always gets the worst response? I know I don't suck that bad. I guess I should be used to it, I've done the hosting thing for a while now. I did a couple of new jokes, and I heard a laugh or two, but nothing like what I'm used to. But it was fun anyway. Thanks to Johnny for letting me fill in. The audience didn't laugh much, not even at some very funny guys, so I guess it wasn't just me. It's like they were just daring us to make them laugh. Double dog daring us even! Yeah, that's it. My only question: Why would you come to a comedy club if you're not gonna laugh? Hmm?

So this weekend is the Gong Show for me, and I found out that I'll be competing against my friend and writing buddy, Seth. (www.sethcowles.com) Dammit! I'm not terribly competitive, but prepare yourself for a fight, my friend. Bring it! I've got two things that you don't have. Cleavage shall be victorious! I joke, I joke, I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun, and I hope one of us wins. I'll only cry a little if you beat me. You'll hardly notice.

I'll be at the Bar of Soap tonite, where your first drink is free if you're a comic.....or all of them are free if you're a chick sporting a low-cut shirt.

Holiday in Houston

Well, happy Monday everyone!
Wait, it's Wednesday. Yikes, I'm a couple of days off.

The road trip to Houston was wonderful. It was great to see and be seen again at the Laff Stop. The show was light, since it was a holiday - only 20 comics! When I say that here, people look at me funny. If you've never done the open mic at the Laff Stop, here's how it goes: You arrive at 6:45 PM and put your name in the bucket. At 7:00 PM, they call names and you sign up for the spot you want, or whatever is left. They do 4-5 hosts who introduce 10 comics each. On a non-holiday Monday, there could be as many as 50 comics going up to do their 5 minutes.

We were lucky - not only was it a holiday, but we were drawn fairly early, so we got to pick good spots. I got to go up 5th, which is my favorite, superstitious spot. (Yes, now that I've mentioned that, one of you smart asses will make sure I have to go 4th or 6th!) I'm quirky, what can I say. My set was pretty darn good, if I may pat myself on the back a little. Listening to the recording in the car on the way home actually made me giggle. My road trip friend went up 12th, and did a great set as well. (He may say it wasn't great, and maybe I'm a little biased, but I thought it went really well. Best one so far.) A couple of my friends came to see the show, and we all hung with the Houston comics afterwards and proceeded to party like rockstars. (Note to self: I am NOT a rockstar!) You just can't beat that Houston hospitality. Our return trip home was delayed slightly, but we made it. That hotel, geez, what was that smell? Ass, perhaps? I think it permeated my overnite bag.

We've come up with a name for my favorite drink. It consists of vodka, pineapple juice, and a splash of grenadine. After watching a "King of the Hill" marathon, we decided to call it the Bobby Hill. Why? Because it's goofy, a little fruity, and if you have too many of them, boy, you ain't right.

Scooter's last nite - suckfest. Only 2 comics showed up, and I just couldn't sit through 30 minutes of one of them, so we bailed for the night. I attribute it to the holiday - next week, we will rock!

See you at the West End tonite folks! Keep me away from the vodka.

Pink Frills and Captain Kirk

So I'm hanging out with my best bud Karen last nite and we were watching Oprah. (Yeah, guys, I am a chick, I know you forget that sometimes.) She was doing home makeovers for people, because, well, that's what Oprah does. That woman has so much freaking money. Anhwho. I wasn't paying enough attention to the circumstances in which these people came to be chosen for the remodeling. Looking at their homes, they didn't appear to me to be needy in any way. I could be wrong.

I was irritated by the first one they did: An engaged couple, young, happy pretty people, about to get married, and the woman was appalled by her fiancee's 'bachelor pad'. She refused to move into it until something was done about all his 'man' stuff.

Now, I can understand wanting to banish a few items that are unnecessary - the guy had huge collections of bowling balls and beer cans, for example. But he had some cool stuff too, and she totally made him get rid of it!! The man had video games. I'm not talking Nintendo or X-Box, I'm talking fully functional, full-sized versions of Asteroids, Centipede and a couple of way cool pinball machines. And she said they had to go!!! What??? That's just wrong. I would consider marrying a guy with a collection like that, just for the free game play.

They made the place look fabulous, of course, but it was so girly. Maybe I really am just a guy at heart, but I don't think an engagement ring is a license for the chick to decorate the house in a pink, frilly mess. Blech.

When I was married, my husband and I split the bedroom down the middle. On my side, my Lilith Fair posters, my crazy toy collection and a girly thing or two. Nothing girly-frilly. Ever. On his side: Star Wars posters and, my favorite, a life-size cardboard Captain Kirk. Compromise, people. It's all about compromise.

I am a tolerant woman.

Heading to Houston this weekend to visit friends, kiss some babies, and do Open Mic Monday at the Laff Stop. Road trip!