The thing about the bass player...

I’m trying desperately to understand why I can’t seem to get this guy out of my head. Let’s recap the whole thing, from the beginning.

June 7th – we met for the first time that Sunday, briefly, when he arrived at my daughter’s place to record with the band. It was a quick 'hello' and a handshake. Nothing too exciting. I wasn't interested, all I could think about were my shows I had coming up that Wednesday and Saturday.

During the week we talked and hung out every day. He was up late a lot, and so was I most of the time. But he didn’t appear to be trying to get me naked. He played different kinds of music for me. We talked about everything under the sun. Not sex though. The conversations never went in that direction. But he always seemed glad to see me. Always had a smile. He always opted to stay and talk to me rather than go out with the guys, unless they had work to do.

Wednesday nite I saw him when I got back from the Improv. He was a little drunk – so was I, duh – and he came and hugged me and told me how cool I was. Um, ok.

Saturday nite I did a guest set in the late show at Hyena’s. It went well and I was way pumped when I got home. I was also pretty intoxicated. He was the only person awake, as it was well after 1 in the morning. Somehow we started making out and ended up in bed together. The next morning, he went with us to visit my mom. Weird.

We continued our physical relationship for the remainder of his visit. He told me how great it was to be with someone who was mature, funny, and not an idiot.

Every nite when he was leaving with the guys to go record, he would come over and hug me, somewhat awkwardly, before he left. I thought it was kinda cute, although unnecessary.

I drove him to the bus station when it was time for him to go home. We exchanged numbers, but I didn’t really think I would hear from him. When we arrived downtown, I was going to walk him in and say goodbye. But instead, I was accosted by a half-dozen or so cab drivers who were asking me about my car, so I gave him a quick hug and sent him on his way. He texted me several times that evening, which surprised me a bit. He called me the next nite after he got home, and he said he wished he’d kissed me before he left. Again, I thought that was kinda cute.

Over the next week he called me a lot. He said he missed me and hoped to see me again soon. We talked on a regular basis from then on, thru June, July, August and September. He called me a lot – sometimes drunk, sometimes sober. Sometimes he cried, telling me he didn't understand how someone like me could care about someone like him. He told me he wanted to move to Dallas.

He told me a lot of things. Things he hasn't told many, if any, others.

He called me late at nite.
He called me early in the morning.
He called when he was working. He called to tell me what bands he was working with. He called to tell me how his own shows went.

He called. A LOT.
We texted. A LOT.
I sent him pictures. He loved every one of them and asked when I'd send another.

But let's be very clear about this - HE was the one who was pursuing ME. I didn't call him very much. And I didn't always answer when he called. And I'm not sure when it became apparent to me that I was really hung up on him.

When my mom and I decided to go to Albuquerque for my birthday, I thought maybe he would react badly. But he didn't. He was happy, excited even, that I was going to be there. He called me every day for those two weeks to make sure I was still coming, to find out when I'd be there, where I was going to stay, what I wanted to do.

On the day mom and I headed out, he kept in touch with me all day to make sure we were safe and still coming. And he showed up to see me at 8:30 in the morning that Friday. I could tell he was glad to see me. He did have to work some while I was there, but he texted me constantly and called when he could.

My birthday, Saturday, my mom and I spent most of the day together. He and I didn't get to be alone until late Saturday afternoon.

And that's when it got weird.

So I can't figure out how we went from 4 months of him liking me, to him being totally shitty to me, lying about having a girlfriend (yeah, found that out last week), and not talking to me at all.

Analysis? Anyone?

Notes

Here are a couple of notes I've left for my daughter this week:

"Hey! Here's a funky pen for you! Hope you like it. Love, Mom"

"My boss bought me this awesome candle! You can burn it if you like, it smells yummy! xoxo, Mom"

And here are the notes she's left me this week:

"Stop using so much toilet paper. Three squares MAX!!!"

"Stop using the DVD player if you're not going to put the movies away when you're done. Seriously."

Hmm. There seems to be a disconnect and imbalance of power in my house.

Attractions.

I attract two kinds of men.

The ones who fall in love with me immediately.

And the ones who push me away constantly.

What's up with that?

Hi there.

Just a couple of random pics. The group pic is me at my last show at Theo's in Grand Prairie, with Kasambwe, Jay Cuellar, and some other dude who was a friend of one of the comics.

Wish me luck

I have a date this weekend, with a real grown-up man. He's over 40, has a real job, is not a wannabe rock star, doesn't live with his parents, has grown children who live in an entirely different city, and thinks I'm pretty damned amazing.

Weird, huh?

I've been putting him off for a while as I've been busy with people who don't give two shits about me as a person. (Good thinking, Jenn). He's the kind of guy who will undoubtedly show up with flowers, take me to a nice restaurant, tell me I'm wonderful and beautiful, and not expect anything at the end of the nite.

Yes, Jenn, these men are called ADULTS. Say it with me now: A-D-U-L-T-S.

Not a college student. Not an immature musician. Not a drug dealer or former inmate.

He's definitely the settling-down kind. And if things go well, maybe I will be too.

I'm never far from the horse.

Howdy y'all.

I've been a little whiny lately. Yeah, thanks for listening and all. Here's the thing - I really like Joe. And I figured out why I like him - because he's completely wrong for me, and I actually can't have him. But that's the way it goes, ain't it? We're still friends after the trip and the news and all that. I'm sure I'll see him again at some point. I know it's ridiculous to like this guy - seriously, you don't have to tell me just how ridiculous it is. But what I didn't tell him is that I'm kept plenty busy at home. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

This is Rob. He's a super funny national headliner who tours all over the country, and he just filmed a couple of commercials for TBS. And he totally digs me. :) I did a guest set at one of his shows at Hyena's back in June and we've been talking ever since. How cool is it that a sorta-famous guy digs me? He's very nice and I'm hoping he will come see me soon when he has a couple of days off. He also asked me to open for him next time he does shows at Hyena's. Won't be until next year, but I'll take it! And no, I haven't slept with him. Yet. It's kinda nice to have a guy dig me so much without having to see me naked! Sweet.

I saw my Italian boy the nite before I left for New Mexico. Here's what he says about me: "You're hot, you're funny as hell, and you have mad skillz!". He's sweet, cute, and always complimentary. What's not to like about that! And we've been hanging out for over a year now.

So I really have no reason to be sad or depressed at all. I have plenty of great things going on. I just need to stop letting my head get wrapped around the wrong ones. I can do it!

Hugs and happy Friday!

Ok, here we go

Thursday, 10/15/09 - Mom and I headed out around 3 PM for our amazingly long drive to New Mexico. My directions said it would be approximately 11 hours, but it actually ended up taking 14 hours with all the stops we made along the way. We stopped in Denton for late lunch, Oklahoma City for beverages, and rolled into Amarillo around midnite. We saw the largest cross in the Western Hemisphere - that's what the sign said - just outside of Amarillo. It was pretty darn big, we could see it from many miles away, even in the dark. We laughed and talked all the way. Had some very funny moments, and we bonded a lot. Mom told me stories about when she was my age. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in all my life! It was awesome.

We got to Tucamcari a couple of hours later and stopped at a Denny's for coffee. That was an adventure. The only waiter on duty was all messed up on pain pills and alcohol, so we ended up being served by a drunken, off-duty waiter. He was much better than the other guy.

Friday, 10/16/09: Finally reached Albuquerque around 4:30 AM - mountain time. The hotel we were originally going to stay at was more expensive than their website had mentioned, so we found something more reasonable close by. Got checked in and finally to sleep around 5:30. My phone rang at 8 AM - it was the bass player. He was coming to see me. So we got up, got dressed and were ready to go again! He went with us to breakfast and showed us around town a bit. We went to the Balloon Fiesta Museum and Gift Shop, it was lovely. My mom was really excited about seeing it. Then we went to the Bien Mur Indian Market on the reservation, right next to the Sandia Casino at the base of the Sandia Mountains. Mom bought me a gorgeous hand-made silver and turquoise ring for my b-day.

We went back to the hotel, bass player left and we took a quick nap. Then it was off to Old Town Albuquerque, where there are incredible shops and neat little places to visit. We took lots of pictures and had dinner at a mexican restaurant. I love that they put chile on everything in New Mexico. The food was amazing.

Saturday, 10/17/09: My birthday! Woke up at 7:30, ready to go again! Mom and I went to the Sandia Casino and played slot machines. It was hilarious watching my mom gamble. We didn't win anything, and we didn't spend very much money, but it was a whole lot of fun. We had breakfast at the casino, and it was delicious. Then we drove up to Santa Fe. Just such a beautiful place. We went to the square and walked around, looking at all the neat little shops and sites. Bought some Hatch chile peppers from a farmer's market, and an assortment of jarred chile sauces. Yummy! Back to the hotel around 5:00 and bass player came over for a couple of hours. Then mom and I went out for a steak dinner for my birthday. Bass player came back later and we had a few beers, yadda yadda yadda.

And after we yadda'd, he told me that he has a girlfriend. I've told him all this time that I didn't care if he's sleeping with random chicks on the road and such, as I kinda do the same thing. But if something serious were to come along, he needed to tell me about it. Well, he did tell me about it - after we slept together. Figures. I don't ever want to get in the middle of anything, and I'm very disappointed that he didn't have the balls to tell me earlier. Oh well. We talked about a lot of things. He told me a lot of really personal stuff, and I held back and told him nothing, like I always do with men. And now I'm back at home and resolved to not talk to him anymore, for any reason.

He said it was good to see me, that I made him "very happy". Yeah, I make everyone happy for a couple of hours.

Mom and I drove back Sunday morning. A long drive indeed. Not nearly as much fun as the drive up. We got back home around midnite, and I spent a couple of hours relaying the details to my daughter, who stayed home, looked after the cats, cleaned the house and went grocery shopping. Such a good kid she is!!!

I took a ton of pictures, but most were not digital. I'll try to get them scanned and put them up here.

So I'm home, back at work, sober and still single. Had a lot of fun and I'm glad we went. It's a beautiful place, I definitely want to go back and do some of the touristy things that we didn't get to do.

Vacation Photo Opps :)

So here are a few photos that I took on my vacation. This is a shot of the Sandia Mountains from the Sandia Casino Resort. Absolutely beautiful!
Mountains from a distance.
As close as we could get to the mountain. There are incredible houses on this road.
I wish I could live here!
Me and my mom in Albuquerque. We were shopping and site-seeing in Old Town.
Me and Joe, aka, the bass player, at the Indian market.
Look at me at a slot machine! This was my first time to ever be in a casino. It was cool.
The Bien Mur Indian Market. I got cigarettes for $32 a carton and NO TAX!!!!! Freaking sweet! Plus I bought a bunch of souvenirs for my kids.
A herd of buffalo on the Indian reservation.

Letting other people's words speak for me today...

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves.
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

-Evanescence, "Call Me When You're Sober"

Another one gone....I can't seem to keep them around anymore....

Think I'm going for a walk now, I feel a little unsteady
I wonder what will follow me, except maybe you
I can make you happy, if you weren't already
I could do a lot of things, and I do
To tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type, but I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So, fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For exisiting in the first place
And who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

Two-thirty in the morning and my gas tank will be empty soon
Neon sign on the horizon, rubbing elbows with the moon
Safe haven of sleepless where the deep fryer is always on
Radio is counting down top 20 country songs
Out on the porch the fly strip is waving like a flag in the wind
You know I don't look forward to seeing you again
You look like a photograph of yourself, taken from far, far away
I won't know what to do, and I won't know what to say

Except, fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For exisiting in the first place
And who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

I see you and I'm so perplexed
What was I thinking?
What will I think of next?
Where can I hide?
In the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table
And when the fan is on it swings gently side to side
There's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing
I see Orion and say nothing

The only thing I can think of saying is
Fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For exisiting in the first place
And who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

That who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that
Said who am I?
Somebody, somebody just tell me that much

-Ani DiFranco, "Fuck You"

What I did on my Fall vacation

Hey folks, I'm back from New Mexico! Had an awesome birthday, lots of fun with my mom doing touristy stuff; fun with the bass player - who will no longer be referred to as 'my' bass player. Sigh. Lots to write about but no time at the moment, so we'll catch up soon.

Vacation!

Yo, blog readers. What's up?

So things have been kinda crappy lately. Well, I don't know. I'm just in a mood, and have been for about 6 days now.

Really bad set on Sunday nite at Hyena's. So bad I don't even want to talk about it. But I cried and fretted and beat myself up over it on Monday, so I'm ready to go to the Improv tonite. Not going up, just going to support.

Had an icky stomach virus for a few days - which probably contributed to my bad set on Sunday, but whatever. Feeling sooo much better.

I have dumped/deleted/forgotten the majority of young boys in my repertoire - is that a good word for it? Harem? I don't know. I'm hanging on to the bass player and my Italian boy. I'm tired of the rest.

My birthday is Saturday. 41. Freaking yay.
My mom and I are going to New Mexico tomorrow for a few days - right after I go to the State Fair with the Alzheimer's patients. We get to shop and eat and see cool things in Santa Fe and Albuquerque - and I get to see my bass player. Sweet! It's only been 4 months.

Big hugs.
Road trip!!!!

It's been a busy year

Do you guys remember that song, "88 Lines About 44 Women" ? Well, this is my tribute. Call it a rip-off, if you will, but I thought it was funny. If you feel that you were left off the list, well, this is my list from THIS year. lol. And I know I don't usually mention names, but I'm pretty sure that no one really knows who these guys are. Enjoy. :)

28 Lines About 15 Guys

Sean is cute and 24,
He likes to do it on the floor.
Victor is just 22 –
You’d be amazed what he can do.
Daniel was so 23,
He played guitar and sang to me.
David was a psycho bore,
Too old for me at 34.
Jason, all of 27 –
I hope I see his cock in heaven.
Chris tends bar, he’s 31.
He brings me wine when he gets done.
At 37, Joe plays bass.
Says he really likes my face.
25, that hippie John –
I wondered what drugs he was on.
Hazi was just 21 –
Not much older than my son!
The Russian guy who fixed my car
Was old enough to be a Czar.
Dan played drums, he’s 28.
He really wasn’t really all that great.
Geoffery, a funny 30.
He liked it rough, he liked it dirty.
Joel’s a friend, he’s 26.
He needs to get his marriage fixed.
Ryan, sweet and 33,
Never had the time for me.
Paul’s my age, we’re good friends.
He’ll be a bachelor til the end.
And now this poem has got to end.
28 lines about 15 guys.

Sounds like me, doesn't it?

Caroline laughs and
It's raining all day
She loves to be one of the girls
She lives in the place
In the side of our lives
Where nothing is
Ever put straight
She turns herself round
And she smiles and she says
'This is it! That's the end of the joke!'

And loses herself
In her dreaming and sleep
And her lovers walk
Through in their coats

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

All of her lovers
All talk of her notes
And the flowers
That they never sent
And wasn't she easy
And isn't she
Pretty in pink

The one who insists
He was first in the line
Is the last to
Remember her name

He's walking around
In this dress
That she wore
She is gone
But the joke's the same

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

Caroline talks to you
Softly sometimes
She says
'I love you' and
'Too much'
She doesn't have anything
You want to steal
Well
Nothing you can touch
She waves
She buttons your shirt
The traffic
Is waiting outside
She hands you this coat
She gives you her clothes
These cars collide

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

It's a funny thing...

Another good show last nite. I was asked to do a show at Hyena's in Dallas on October 11th. Sweet! I'm so thankful for my sense of humor.

Met another 23 year old. Geez. I need to branch out.