A plethora of things to mention

Evidence that I now live with boys…

I walked into the bathroom yesterday morning, with towel and robe in hand. I turned on the light, looked up, and saw a head. A plastic, female head with dark hair, perched on top of the cabinet. I let out a little yell. Much giggling came from down the hall.

Boys.

There are scary, odd pictures hanging in my living room. One of the boys fancies himself an artist. There’s a set of drums, fully assembled. There’s a very large dog walking around the house who, I’m pretty sure, thinks I’m a cookie.

It’s a good thing I like them. My life feels just slightly disrupted. But they are pretty cool. I'm hoping to gain at least some new material out of this living situation.

I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I have a hickey. What the hell? I’m a little too old for that, don’t you think? Thanks for that, P.

I got gonged at the Gong Show, I guess I didn’t mention that. It was quite terrible. Thankfully, my friend Jeff made me feel so much better. He said to me, “Geez, if I’d been beaten by a juggler, I think I’d just go ahead and end it all!”

Wait, that was supposed to make me feel better? Thanks, Jeff.

Hello and thanks to my friend Russ in Houston, who DID actually have some nice things to say to make me feel better. I'm hoping to come visit again soon!

I received my very first ass chewing from my boss yesterday, and it was a doozy. The first of many, no doubt. Apparently people think my skin is way thicker than it is.

I was mentioned on someone’s blog today. I hope he knows that a blogged apology doesn’t count, but I guess that’s the best I’m gonna get.

I have a paying gig this Saturday. Not much cash, but cash nonetheless! I’ll be at The Stratus on NW Hwy @ Webb Chapel at 9:00 PM on September 3. Come catch the show if you can.

I’m drinking my coffee from a cup with a big smiley face on it, to fool people into thinking I’m having a happy day. Do you think it will work?

Maybe if it were called the "Bong" Show...

I just realized that I haven't written in a few days. I owe you an update!

The juggler won the Gong Show, for those who missed it on Saturday.
Yeah, cuz juggling goes really great on the radio.

I'm not bitter. Not me, nuh uh, no way.

Bastards.

Nah, it's ok, it was a lot of fun, if slightly humiliating. Many thanks to Pugs and Kelly (www.pugsandkellylive.com) for sponsoring the event, and for telling me that I was funny. And also to Robby for being such a great host. If they do it again next year, I'm in.

In other news: Jeff, I lost that bet. I'm sure you'd like to hear about it.

Here's hoping for a better week!

Happy Birthday, Emily!!!!

It's Thursday? Already?

I can't believe it's Thursday. Where the hell did the week go, and what do I have to show for it?

I've got the Gong Show finals this weekend and I am freaking nervous as hell. I'm going up against several really good comics, a midget, a fire eater and a juggler. It's like going to a circus! But I hate clowns. Best of luck to everyone who's competing. It will be fun, and, um, interesting.

Good open mic at West End last nite. Thanks to Sherry Bell for hosting, she did a great job! And I just love that southern accent of hers. It went well, much better than Scooter's. I'm still pissed about that. Yay for me, I can hold a grudge!

So I was sober last nite, and Laura and Angela were drinking. That was weird, like a complete reversal of the universe and all things normal. Well, ok, I wasn't sober the whole nite. But I've never seen either of them go on stage after a few drinks, and I have to say it was quite a treat.

Everyone should go see Paul tonite (www.paulvarghese.com), he's headlining at the Addison Improv. Come see him before he gets famous and forgets our names.

I'm anticipating having no time to blog tomorrow, so I'll plug the Friday nite show at the West End today. This week is looking good, come out and support your local comics! If we keep this up, we'll all be following in Paul's footsteps. Here's the lineup:

Me, host, unless someone else wants to do it. Anyone? Anyone?
Steven Crowder
Laura Cole
Karen Crowell
Tommy Von
Shaun Arredondo
Tom Devenport
Ken Mathias
Jeff Neely

I'm off to take my daughter to school. Have a great rest of the week. I'll give you a Gong Show recap on Sunday.

Love you guys!

See what happens when I don't drink?

I hate Scooter’s.

My own personal hell is me, spending eternity on that stage, with the audience we had last nite.

There are days that I love comedy. And then there’s today.

I know all you comics had fun with the shitty evening we had, and I’m glad. Maybe I’m just over sensitive, but I take it hard when it goes bad. Not for me, but for everyone else. My set sucked, I knew it would, but I didn’t care about that. I take it really personally when you guys are treated badly, by the staff, by the drunks, whoever.

But I have to say, you all handled it really well. Who knew Billy could sing like that? I’ve never seen Angela more fired up. Karen, I loved it when you said the Lane Bryant thing to the fat girl at the bar. That was great. And although I missed it when Rich called that drunk chick a drag queen, it became the theme for the rest of the evening.

It was pretty funny when the drunk ass bitch fell out of her chair, wasn’t it?

All that bullshit, and we do it for free. It’ll pay off someday.

No Joke

I owe someone an apology.

No, no, seriously. I feel bad and I owe it to that person to say I'm sorry. I can feel all your eyes rolling as we speak, but here it goes anyway.

I am very sorry for the way I behaved. I acted in a childish, immature manner and the more I've had time to think about it, the worse I feel. I can only attribute my behavior to the alcohol, even though that's no excuse. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, it was wrong of me, and I'm sorry.

So, Ms. Williams, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You were the best Kindergarten teacher ever. Did you ever find all those crayons?

Teehee. Did I getcha? :)

Damn I crack myself up sometimes. Bwahahahahaha!

Eat my Eye Shadow

Question: If Tylenol PM is supposed to make you sleepy, why am I still awake?

My oldest daughter and I (yes, Jeff, the hot one) went on a marathon shopping trip today to get her ready for school again. I don't really like to shop. I know that sounds crazy coming from a girl, but I could think of at least 12 things I would rather do than go shopping.

We went to several stores, of course, because when you're 16 years old, there is not just one, magical store that contains everything you need. God forbid you be seen shopping at the W-Mart. Blasphemy! I had to put my foot down about going to the mall though. I hate the mall even more than I hate dogs.

The one store that did me in finally was Ulta Cosmetics. First time for me there, and it was a little strange. All the girls that worked there had the exact same haircut. It was like being in the Stepford store.

But here are some new cosmetics that I just don't get: Jessica Simpson has put out a line of body sprays, lip glosses and other goodies that you can actually ingest. Her shaving cream comes with candy sprinkles. Shouldn't this stuff be sold at the adult novelty shop? So now if I get hungry, I can just chew on my hand cuz it tastes like butter toffee?

"Hey Jenn, you wanna get some lunch?"

"No, thanks, I just had some eye shadow and a side of blush."

Maybe that's how she stays so thin. I wonder where her products fall in the Weight Watchers point system?

Although I left the store smelling like cake, I still don't have the urge to make a purchase from Jessica.

Green Day, long nite

Hey guys! Great weekend so far, here's what's happening.

Friday nite's shows were great! I did the cigar bar, thanks for inviting me, G. It was fun, small crowd, intimate setting, they seemed to like me. The 11 PM stand-up show at the West End went really well. Thanks to all who participated. Everyone had a great set, but I have to give special props to my buddy Jeff who did an amazing job on stage and even gained some new fans. You rock, my friend.

I really do like this producing thing. I'll miss it when the end of September rolls around.

Didn't get to do my head shots today. The photographer guy was busy, and I was in no condition to look cute on camera, having consumed half my body weight in vodka last nite.

So Emily and I just got back from the Green Day concert. I've lost my voice, but my hearing is starting to come back a bit now. This was my first time to attend an event at American Airlines Center, and what a lovely place it is. Parking was expensive, but it was easy to navigate and the getting out traffic didn't suck too bad.

The band....Wow. Those guys put on a really good show. They played for almost two hours. Jimmy Eat World opened for them, and I was a little disappointed in their performance cuz they only did like five songs and left. But Green Day rocked. They are, without question, Emily's favorite band in the world. I've never been a huge fan myself, I liked their songs, but I wasn't nutty about them. But they are so awesome on stage. I was impressed with the whole production. The pyrotechnics were way cool, and I loved how they involved the audience in the show. They aren't your typical cocky rock stars who don't care if you have a good time or not. Their General Admission seating was the floor in front of the stage, I thought that was really cool of them to do. They actually pulled people up from the audience onto the stage. They picked this one little boy and let him spray water on the crowd. It was adorable. Then they took 3 random guys and let them be 'the band' for a few minutes. It was so cool. The guy who played guitar got to keep the one that Billie Joe was using, and they made the drummer guy do a stage dive.

Now, I say these guys were chosen randomly, and I hope that was the case, but my brilliant almost-13-year-old pointed out that they were all really good on the instruments and, perhaps, even a bit rehearsed. Thanks for bursting mom's bubble, sweetie.

It's been a while since I've been to a concert. In fact, I seriously cannot remember the last one I attended, but it was way before everyone on the planet had a cell phone with a camera. They don't allow cameras into the concert, but you can bring your camera phone? Makes sense. It was pretty neat to see everyone holding up their phones instead of lighters though. Little blue lights all over the place, made it look like a starry nite. And no, I wasn't high.

Best birthday so far for Emily, she says. I know that she will remember this for a long time and I'm so glad we got to go. I've never seen a kid so excited. She had the best time.

I love how a rock star can just say the name of the city they're in, and everyone goes nuts and screams their heads off. If I were just walking down the street and yelled, "Hello Dallas!", do you think I'd get that kind of reaction? No, I'd probably get the finger.

Hats off to Green Day for making Emily's birthday memorable, and to Jeff for entertaining me.

Friday Show Line-up

Happy Friday everyone. We made it thru yet another week. Wow. I'm exhausted, and the weekend hasn't even started yet!

Here's the line-up for the 11 PM Show tonite at the West End:

Brent Dawson, host
Johnny Elbow
Billy McFarland
Evan Ramsay
Jeff Neely
Corey Sutton
Ken Matthias
Bryce Richardson

It's gonna be a great show!! Come out and support our local comics!

I'm doing a few minutes at Town & Country Cigar in Euless tonite at 8:30, that should be fun. I totally sucked at The Village last nite, I don't know what was up. I think I was just too tired. I'm hoping I do better tonite.

Jeff, my friend, drive safely and I will see you this evening. And a big huge thanks to Brent for all his help.

Headshots and Green Day this weekend, I'll tell you all about it Sunday!

Kanye West loves the homos

Check out this article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050818/ap_en_mu/people_kanye_west

Kanye West is a friend to the gays. He has personally called an end to gay bashing. Well it’s about time! PFLAG and GLAAD will no doubt be knocking on his door at any moment.

He says that being called a 'mama's boy' when he was younger made him homophobic. Yeah, I can see that connection. But then he found out that one of his cousins is gay. Well that did it for him! Speaking about discrimination of gays, he had this to say:

“Not just hip-hop, but America just discriminates. And I wanna just, to come on TV and just tell my rappers, just tell my friends, `Yo, stop it.'"

Yo, stop it.

Profound words indeed. I feel just a little smarter and a little more tolerant having read this little news nugget.

Dallas' Funniest Person Contest

Yes, my friends, I told you I had some fun news. I shall spring it on you now.

The West End Comedy Theatre (www.westendcomedy.com) is sponsoring/hosting a "Dallas' Funniest Person" contest, coming up in October.

We'll be running the competition for 4 weeks, every Wednesday nite in October, in place of The Open Mic. The top 2 from each week will move on to the finals, which will be held the first Saturday of November.

The criteria for participation and the rest of the details are in the works. It will be open to all AMATEUR (- seriously, no pros allowed -) comics in the DFW area. Judges will be brought in for the contest, and will be looking at stage presence, audience response and originality, etc. There will be cash prizes for the top 3 winners, and a guaranteed, promoted showcase in the 2006 Dallas Comedy Festival. We're working on some other goodies as well, I'll get back to you on all that as it develops.

If you are interested in competing, you can email us at dallasfunniestperson@yahoo.com

As an organizer, I am not allowed to participate, but I plan to have a lot of fun anyway.
Let's do it!

Goodbye to You

I feel freaking awesome today. Yes, I was up late. Yes, I drank a little at open mic, but still, this feeling of happiness and, dare I say relief, is all over me this morning. Maybe it's the coffee. No, it's definitely not the coffee. Mmm, smells like clarity.

I know I've been a downer for a while. I was upset about a quasi-relationship gone bad, as some of you know. (I say 'quasi' because apparently it was never what I thought it was.) This happens to everyone at some point, and being dumped doesn't make me special, I know this. I'm certainly not the first person to have a broken heart. I've broken a few hearts along the way myself. Karma's a bitch.

But today, I'm done.

I'm done with the drama. Oh my god, the drama. I made the mistake of trying to go into the 'friend zone' with him. We all know that never works out. In the end, it turned out badly, and I never wanted that. I just don't have it in me to be friends with a guy after a break up. Call it a weakness if you must, but I'm ok with it. So I'm done trying to be his friend. I'm done with feeling bad all the time because I didn't get what I wanted. I'm done crying about it, I'm done obsessing over it. I'm done helping him. I'm done with the arguing. I'm done with the 3 hour phone calls and the text messages and the emails. I'm done trying to keep him around, in any capacity, just so I can see him and spend time with him. I'm done dropping everything to take his calls.

And most of all, I'm done making him miserable. I think we're even. I made my point.

According to him, I made everything 'all about me' and only heard what I wanted to hear. Yeah, that's exactly how it was. Not.

Lots of people don't get what they want out of relationships. It wasn't all my fault, and I've gotta stop beating myself up. I'm an awesome chick, I know this, and I have so many wonderful things in my life. No time for the hassle of a monogamous relationship. Well, it was physically monogamous, but his head and heart were always somewhere else, and I deserve so much better than that.

This is in a way my Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmation - I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me. One person not liking me isn't the end of the world, cuz there are a hundred more who do.

"These last few weeks of holding on,
The days are dull, the nights are long.
Guess it's better to say
Goodbye to you."

See ya around.

Sisters. My sisters.

A few months ago, my mother delivered some news to me that was quite shocking. She invited me over on a Sunday and said she needed to talk to me. She had made pound cake. I knew it would be bad news. Bad news always goes best with pound cake. And we all know how much I like cake. Even 'bad news' cake is ok by me.

Here's what she told me: I have, unbeknownst to me up to this point, three living, breathing sisters from my mother's previous marriage.

Wha wha what?
Three sisters????

Can I have some more cake, please?

First off, I didn't even know my mother had been married before my dad. Second, I lived my entire life thinking I was the only child my mother ever had. I was wrong on both counts.

I took the news happily at first, thinking wow, I have 3 sisters! We can meet each other and hang out and do all those sister things that I never got to do! But then mom elaborated on the entire story.

My mother got married to a man when she was 16 years old. That seems crazy today, but of course, back in 1950's rural Alabama, these things were not unheard of. She and her husband had 3 daughters, their names escape me at the moment but I have them written down. Vicki, Cynthia, and another. I can't fathom being such a young bride, let alone a young mother. I gave birth to my first at 20, and I still think that's too young.

The man my mother married was abusive. According to her accounts, he beat her on a daily basis, but never harmed the children. My mother's parents both died by the time she was 15, so I suppose a husband seemed a good substitute for absent parents. Her younger sister lived with them as well. (Oh yeah, that's my Aunt whom I've never met. Moving on...)

My mother is a strong woman. I have a hard time imagining her in a situation where she has no control. But that's exactly where she was at that time. As a young girl with 3 small children, she couldn't get a job or earn a living on her own. Even an abusive husband with a good job was better than nothing. Or was it?

My father-to-be and my mother's husband at the time were friends. They worked together and played on the same softball team. My dad was also married with three children, 2 girls and a boy. (I was eventually told about my dad's children, when I was around 12 years old. I met two of them when I was a little older.). My mom and my dad got to be friends, and he disliked the way her husband treated her. Apparently he wasn't shy about smacking her around in front of other people.

My mother and father grew closer, and eventually they fell in love. He decided to be the good guy and rescue her from the situation. Unfortunately, none of their children were included in the departure. They both left their families and moved away to Texas to start a new life together. It would almost be romantic if it weren't so twisted and sad.

The reason my mother finally told me is that one of her daughters has tracked her down. Technology and the internet, freaking amazing. She sent my mother a letter, asking if she was who she thought she was, and wanting to see her.

My mother told the woman that she was mistaken, that no, she was not her mother and she had no idea what the woman was talking about. And that's the part I don't get. She doesn't want me to contact them either. Is she still afraid of the abusive husband? After all this time and distance? Or is she just so ashamed and embarrassed that she would rather pretend they don't exist rather than face what she did?

I want to know my sisters. I need to connect with them, it's important to me to know who they are. What happened to them after their mother, our mother, left? Did he beat them too? Did they run away? Are they married, do they have kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews? There's a whole family out there, a family of mine, that I've never met. If I have to wait until my mother dies to meet them, so be it. But I don't want to wait.

After all these years, I'm not an only child.

The Shiny Side of the Ribbon

Happy Monday to you all. I got some really great pics of me and the kids at the wedding on Saturday. I'll try to upload them tonite. I also got a photo of my favorite sign in Plano: "Martial Arts Cleaners". They are 2 separate businesses, but you can't tell from the sign.

I changed my voice mail message on my cell phone today. People said it was too long. And not funny. Well, it's short now. Maybe still not funny, but far less cumbersome than before.

I'm at work, and here's what I'm doing today: I'm taking purple ribbons, stringing them onto small cowbells, and tying those bells to plush cows. Who says I don't know how to have fun at the office? Apparently the cow is the company mascot. As if I'm not insecure enough, now I'm surrounded by things that go 'moo'. Yay!

The ribbon is pretty though. My favorite color and all. But I have to make sure that the shiny side is out, can't have the dull side showing. I think from now on instead of saying 'the bright side', I'll change it to 'the shiny side'. "Always look on the shiny side of life." (whistle)

I'll give a dollar to anyone who gets that reference.

So my buddy Jeff thinks I'm being a big whiny baby. Maybe he's right. Maybe I should be there afterall. Then again, I could get stuck here attaching all these little cowbells! This could take days. Oh, and thanks for telling me that I looked hot the other nite. A well placed, much needed compliment. :)

Have a great week everyone! I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon. It's gonna be a busy week. Stay shiny!

Who's your producer?

Howdy folks! I'm happy to report that we had another successful show on Friday. I am so loving this! We had a pretty big crowd, but they weren't big drinking folks like we had last week. No hysterical laughter, but they had a good time. Jim, good job screwing with the hot chicks in the front. I knew you'd bring it! That was hilarious.

Many thanks to all the great comics who performed: Brent, Anthony, Shaun, Rich, Jim, Dustin, Bryce and Brandon. You guys were wonderful. I don't know what was up with the AC, it was a little warm in there. Hopefully that won't be a problem next week.

I went to my best friend's wedding today. It was a lovely ceremony. I have to say that I don't find August to be the best month for a wedding in Texas. It was hot as hell. But I must give her props for keeping the ceremony very short. No singing, no personal vows, no candle lighting. She does, he does, kiss and let's eat. Short and simple. Very nice. The catering was good too. I hope they have a long and happy life together. And I hope she comes back for her dog soon. I hate that dog.

Oh, but the best part of the wedding - I was chatting with the photographer and his wife. Very interesting couple. I asked him about doing some head shots for me, but I was concerned about the cost. He asked me who I voted for. I said Kerry. He said he'll do them for free. See? Sometimes being a Democrat is a good thing! Heehee.

It's very late, and my kids are STILL fighting. As soon as I sit down at the computer for a little writing time, they start in on each other. Same thing when I'm on the phone. No one wants my attention until it's unavailable.

Let's see, what does my week look like? Open mic Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm performing at the Village Country Club on Thursday nite, that should be fun. Thanks to Angela for inviting me.
I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna see if I have any Children's Nyquil. I really need to get some writing done. (just kidding!)

Oh, and Henry Rollins is going to be here for his Spoken Word tour in October. That's my birthday month. Maybe he got my email. :)

For the sake of writing words on a page

Ok, I know I'm a blog slacker. I've been less than inspired lately, and I'm so darn busy, but in a good way. Kids are getting ready to go back to school. My roommate is getting married tomorrow. My job at the wedding is to watch her mother and make sure she doesn't get smashed and cause a scene. My new roommates will be moving in soon. I get to live with boys. That should be interesting.

I had indian food for lunch today, and it was yummy. I'm really sleepy now. Is curry a sedative?

I had originally listed myself as host for the 11 PM show on the 19th, but I've asked someone else to fill in for me. I don't think I'll actually be there that nite at all, so you guys be sure to let me know how it goes. The September line-up is coming soon, watch for an email.

My new office has happy hour every Friday after 5 pm. In the office. There's beer in the fridge and liquor in the cabinets. I have to pick up my kids and go work at the club tonite, so I won't be participating. But you can bet your sweet ass I'll be drinking next Friday! I knew I would fit in here. They have Mitch quotes on their website too. Coolest job ever.

I'd really like to start a new diet, but if I lose weight, there go some of my best jokes. There's a dillemma for you.

Come see the show tonite, and have a great weekend.

Movies, Death and Friday nite line-up

The Aristocrats…what can I say? I’ll go see it again. You must see it. Every comedian should see it, whether or not you’re easily offended. It was fun, it was funny, and I learned a few things. Strawberry shortcake, anyone? Not exactly my kind of cake, but funny nonetheless.

I feel kinda left out though, as I’ve not yet made it to the ‘inside’ as a comic, where the joke is well known and told repeatedly.

My mini review: The two people in the film who I thought were not at all funny: Howie Mandel and Eddie Izzard. I really like Eddie Izzard, but he seemed high and/or drunk, just really incoherent. I was disappointed to see him like that. And Howie hasn’t been funny since the 80’s. Many, many better choices than Howie, in my opinion. My only other complaint is that Chris Rock was the only black man in the whole movie, and his interview was quite small in comparison to other comics. Otherwise though, it was good. Several good female comics were included, but, as always, the men out number the women. Such is life in the world of comedy. Wendy Liebman’s take on the joke was my favorite.

After the movie we caught the end of open mic at the West End. I went up and ranted a bit, told a few jokes, tried to make it quick, got a few laughs. Thanks to Shaun for hosting, and for not making me go last.

I was thinking the other day that if I died right now, what an awesome funeral I would have! People would come from all over. Well, from all over Texas. Ok, maybe just from Houston. And even that’s a long ass drive, they may just send flowers.

I would imagine that several people would want to say a few words at the service. I have a lot of friends. That’s cool. But not you damn comedians. You never get off the stage when I give you the light! We can’t have you going on and on when I’m dead, can we?

My headstone should say: “She got the light from the club manager in the sky.”

Come out and see our awesome show this Friday nite!
11 PM at the West End Comedy Theater. Tickets are $10, and it’s worth every penny. Check out this fantastic line up:

“Guys Nite Out”
Brent Dawson, host
Anthony Perez
Shaun Arredondo
Rich Estrada
Bryce Richardson
Brandon Enriquez
Dustin Ybarra

I’ll be there. With the light.

Observations

I've been really busy the last couple of days, so here's some random crap to keep you occupied until I have time to write more.

I saw spinning rims on a Ford Contour today. That made me laugh.

There was a personalized license plate I saw the other day that said "BEAVR". Come on. Even if that's you last name, why would you put it on your car?

If I hear someone say, "Git er done!" one more time, I think my head will literally explode. It's not funny when HE does it, what makes you think it's funny when YOU do it.

I am disappointed in a society that would not only bring "The Dukes of Hazzard" to the big screen, but also make it the number one grossing movie of the weekend. Are you fucking kidding me? If it happens again this weekend, that's it. I'm moving to Canada. I can learn to like cold weather and Celine Dion.

And I really hate dogs.

Better late than never?

Hello my blog friends. I’m sorry to say that my daily blogging may slack off for a while as I started my new job today, and it requires a lot more of my attention than the previous one.

Weekend wrap up…

The 11 PM show on Friday was fantastic! I think I like this producing thing. We were able to run the show long so I went ahead and did a set. It was the ‘Dirty Boys’ show, but I’m just one of the guys afterall! We had an awesome crowd, thanks to Shawn! Everyone had a great set. I hope that this week’s show goes just as well. Crossing my fingers. I’m putting together schedules for Friday nites in September as well. Same time slot. Email me if you’d like to do a set.

Saturday nite I did my very first black club. That was so much fun! The audience was quite large, and they really liked me. Not that I’m ready for “Showtime at the Apollo” or anything, but it was nice to perform outside of my comfort level, in a different place for a change. Thanks, Frank, for inviting me!

We managed to put together a midnite show on Saturday at the last minute. None of the comics showed up who were supposed to be in it originally, and we already had several people who’d paid the door for the show. So, I grabbed the door guy, the bartender and a couple of the Comedy Sportz guys, and by golly, we had a show! Huge and sincere thanks to Evan, Eric, Brandon, Van and Kendrick. If not for you guys it wouldn’t have happened. The show must go on, and it did, thanks to you.

We were supposed to go see the new David Mamet play yesterday, but it was cancelled due to inclement weather. Whatever. There was no bad weather when we were down there! But I’m very disappointed because now I don’t think I’ll have a chance to see it. Dammit.

I’m taking off from open mics this week. I’m tired and I need a break, and I need at least a week to adjust to the new job and schedule. Hoping to see the screening of The Aristocrats on Wednesday nite. Looking forward to that.

Have a great week, and I hope my blogging will resume soon!

Bar of Soap, Glass of Beer...

...a couple of shots of Jager, and yada yada yada, do I need more sleep today!

Fun nite at the Bar. Short list of comics, but always a cool place. The crazy drunks asked me for my autograph. That was odd, but amusing. I think I wrote something about sucking cake. Or maybe that was a misspelling.

Come see the 11 PM show tonite, starring my very favorite dirty boy comics, Jim, Shawn, Seth and Corey. This one's definitely rated "R" folks, leave the kids at home! If you haven't seen what Jim does with a bottle of Shiner on stage, you're totally missing out.

See you soon. :)

Funny Nite?

Howdy folks. Happy Thursday to you. My daughter told me this morning that I'm losing too much weight. Hmm. I don't think I've lost any. Maybe she just wanted some money. Yeah, that was probably it. But I'm still a sexy bitch. :)

West End Open Mic was great last nite, although very long. We had 30 comics. 30! I figured we would have a large turnout since we've been off the last two weeks, but I didn't expect that many.

I am so not intimidating as the person with the light. And I felt bad cutting everyone off at three minutes, but we had to move it along. Luckily most of you guys like me, so I don't think you took it personally. You know I'd give you more time if I could.

Oh, and I was sober. Two nights in a row. I see a pattern developing here.

Random thought of the day that has nothing to do with comedy: Have you ever sat down after a break up and made a 'pro' and 'con' list about the person who just dumped you? I know it's mostly a girl thing, but I bet you guys do it too. It's actually quite liberating when the cons outweigh the pros, and you realize that you're better off. But what happens when there are more pros than cons? That's not a cool feeling. Feel free to share your experiences. I'm Dear freaking Abby over here. :)

For my friend Karen...The butterflies are gone. That's how I know. And I don't miss them. Yours will go away soon, and you'll be back to your happy self in no time. Hang in there friend. Big things are on the horizon for us.

Come see the 11 PM show tomorrow nite, it's gonna be really good! I've gotta get some work done. Damn you, day job! Damn you!

Happy Jenn is back with a vengeance! Have an awesome day, and see you at the Bar of Soap tonite!

August Schedule - Take 2

(Edited to add hosts for the Friday nite shows.)
Hey folks! Here is my show schedule for August.
Again.
Come see me if you can!!!

Friday August 5th and Saturday August 6th
The Midnight Rush Stand Up Comedy Show
West End Comedy Theater
Tickets: $10

Saturday August 6th
The X-tra Ranch
9 PM, Dallas

Saturday, August 27
The Gong Show Finals at
Ben's Halfyard House
8 PM

And of course, I'm at the open mics every Tuesday and Wednesday.

Also, I'm producing the 11 PM show slot on Fridays in August at the West End. I may not be appearing, but we have some great comics lined up. Come out and see these awesome shows:

Friday August 5: "The Dirty Boys Show" - Jim Arnold, host
Friday August 12: "Guys Nite Out" - Brent Dawson, host
Friday August 19: "Together at Last...Improvs and Stand-ups" - Host is Me, begrudgingly.
Friday August 26: "Mismatched Comedy" - Shaun Arredondo, host. I'll be in this one. I need the practice before the Gong Show on Saturday.

I have some news for September, but I'll make you wait for that. :)

Wednesday Wrap-up

Good morning to you friends. Grab a cup of coffee and join me.

Scooter's last nite was a bust, once again. I'm thinking of going on hiatus there for a while. Hardly anyone shows up anymore, and I'm sure I could find something else to occupy my Tuesday nites. And I don't think I would miss it all that much.

West End open mic is back tonite. I'll be there with the flashlight and stop watch. I get to have dinner with my buddy Jeff, which is cool. He lives wayyy out of town, he makes a 6 hour drive just to get some stage time. I'm actually looking forward to hanging out with him later. (If he reads this, he will tell me how sad my life is that I look forward to seeing him. :-)

Everyone needs a friend who makes you think, and who will tell you what a whiny bitch you're being. Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective.

I'm not feeling very funny right now. I need to write some new material, but I'm not at all inspired at the moment, and I'm short on time. That sucks. I'm doing a lot of behind the scenes stuff - producing the Friday nite shows, and the Wednesday open mic. Feeling just a tad bit overwhelmed, though I think most of that is self-induced.

More coffee?

What the...?

Hmm. Apparently I've deleted the post that had my schedule. I'm not quite sure how I did that. Darn blog! I'll repost it later.

How's everyone today? I'm feeling like a gigantic piece of shit today. Many reasons, none I want to discuss. Moving on....

So I'm at the grocery store last nite. Can I just tell you how much I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING. I only do it because I have to. My kids are the kind who've gotta eat EVERY day. Darn it. But I truly hate the entire grocery store experience.

First off, I know I'm being judged by what's in my cart. How do I know this? Because I look to see what other people are buying so I can judge them! Ha! So the skinny little girls with their carts full of Yoplait and Tofu are gazing in horror at mine, which contains frozen pizzas, Ding Dongs and Haagen Dazs. Bitches. Quit looking at my cart! I'll eat what I want!

When I'm done filling up my happy cart with all the worst possible crap I can find, I go to the check out. They have precisely 4 lanes open for the 42 people who are waiting in line. And yes, I know there were exactly 42 people, because I had a lot of damn time to count them.

I choose a line that I think may move quickly. Wrong.

I'm not sure why I think I have this mystical power that allows me to divine which line will move faster. I do not have this power, I can assure you. But this one looked promising. There's one woman checking out, and the family behind her doesn't have much in their cart, so I get behind them. Bad idea.

We waited, and we waited. The woman at the front of the line, whom I thought was done with her transaction, is haggling with the cashier over a bag of limes. LIMES. Are you kidding me??She brought an ad in from another store to see if they would match the price. For christ's sake, lady, just go to the other freaking store! We all sat there and waited for 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. Managers were brought in. Phone calls were made. It was quite the production. Turns out only the regular limes would get the special price - she had brought a bag of Key Limes to the register. Geez. Won't regular limes do? God forbid you make someone a pie out of a regular lime.

"Is that Key Lime Pie?"

"Uh, no, just regular lime."

"Well I'll have none of that! Remember the Plantain Pudding incident? Hell no, not falling for it!."

People, life is too short to haggle over citrus fruit. I seriously thought my head would explode.

Have a wonderful day, and if you see me at the store, throw a lime at me.

I feel all empty inside....

Well, the first annual Dallas Comedy Festival is over. I'm sad to see it go. It was a tremendous success, and I think everyone had a great time. Show attendance was very good, and Doug and Rob say that yes, indeed, we will do it again next year! Yay!!!!!

Here's my review from the "Comedy Critic":

"Jenn Hoff was another Dallas name at the Dallas Comedy Festival. With Jenn, you get comedy. If you've ever seen Jenn you know what I'm talking about. Fun to watch, she will surprise you, shock you and have you shaking off the effects of another over the top, kick you in the pants bit about something you never expect a mother to be saying on stage. Funny, her kids will probably turn out normal and put her in a home early for twisted thinking. You have to see Jenn on stage, she belongs there." - Comedy Review by The Comedy Critic

I know he only says good things, I've yet to see a bad review. But it still makes me happy to see all of my friends spoken of in such a positive way.

It was a blast meeting Eddie Brill, and all the other comics from out of town. I got some really great pictures, they are now posted here: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/dammitjanet101/my_photos

I'll also be posting my August schedule shortly. Lots of shows coming up on the weekends.

My horoscope today says that I will fall in love. Ha! I think I'm cancelling my subscription to that bullshit.

See you soon!