What the...?
Hmm. Apparently I've deleted the post that had my schedule. I'm not quite sure how I did that. Darn blog! I'll repost it later.
How's everyone today? I'm feeling like a gigantic piece of shit today. Many reasons, none I want to discuss. Moving on....
So I'm at the grocery store last nite. Can I just tell you how much I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING. I only do it because I have to. My kids are the kind who've gotta eat EVERY day. Darn it. But I truly hate the entire grocery store experience.
First off, I know I'm being judged by what's in my cart. How do I know this? Because I look to see what other people are buying so I can judge them! Ha! So the skinny little girls with their carts full of Yoplait and Tofu are gazing in horror at mine, which contains frozen pizzas, Ding Dongs and Haagen Dazs. Bitches. Quit looking at my cart! I'll eat what I want!
When I'm done filling up my happy cart with all the worst possible crap I can find, I go to the check out. They have precisely 4 lanes open for the 42 people who are waiting in line. And yes, I know there were exactly 42 people, because I had a lot of damn time to count them.
I choose a line that I think may move quickly. Wrong.
I'm not sure why I think I have this mystical power that allows me to divine which line will move faster. I do not have this power, I can assure you. But this one looked promising. There's one woman checking out, and the family behind her doesn't have much in their cart, so I get behind them. Bad idea.
We waited, and we waited. The woman at the front of the line, whom I thought was done with her transaction, is haggling with the cashier over a bag of limes. LIMES. Are you kidding me??She brought an ad in from another store to see if they would match the price. For christ's sake, lady, just go to the other freaking store! We all sat there and waited for 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. Managers were brought in. Phone calls were made. It was quite the production. Turns out only the regular limes would get the special price - she had brought a bag of Key Limes to the register. Geez. Won't regular limes do? God forbid you make someone a pie out of a regular lime.
"Is that Key Lime Pie?"
"Uh, no, just regular lime."
"Well I'll have none of that! Remember the Plantain Pudding incident? Hell no, not falling for it!."
People, life is too short to haggle over citrus fruit. I seriously thought my head would explode.
Have a wonderful day, and if you see me at the store, throw a lime at me.
How's everyone today? I'm feeling like a gigantic piece of shit today. Many reasons, none I want to discuss. Moving on....
So I'm at the grocery store last nite. Can I just tell you how much I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING. I only do it because I have to. My kids are the kind who've gotta eat EVERY day. Darn it. But I truly hate the entire grocery store experience.
First off, I know I'm being judged by what's in my cart. How do I know this? Because I look to see what other people are buying so I can judge them! Ha! So the skinny little girls with their carts full of Yoplait and Tofu are gazing in horror at mine, which contains frozen pizzas, Ding Dongs and Haagen Dazs. Bitches. Quit looking at my cart! I'll eat what I want!
When I'm done filling up my happy cart with all the worst possible crap I can find, I go to the check out. They have precisely 4 lanes open for the 42 people who are waiting in line. And yes, I know there were exactly 42 people, because I had a lot of damn time to count them.
I choose a line that I think may move quickly. Wrong.
I'm not sure why I think I have this mystical power that allows me to divine which line will move faster. I do not have this power, I can assure you. But this one looked promising. There's one woman checking out, and the family behind her doesn't have much in their cart, so I get behind them. Bad idea.
We waited, and we waited. The woman at the front of the line, whom I thought was done with her transaction, is haggling with the cashier over a bag of limes. LIMES. Are you kidding me??She brought an ad in from another store to see if they would match the price. For christ's sake, lady, just go to the other freaking store! We all sat there and waited for 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. Managers were brought in. Phone calls were made. It was quite the production. Turns out only the regular limes would get the special price - she had brought a bag of Key Limes to the register. Geez. Won't regular limes do? God forbid you make someone a pie out of a regular lime.
"Is that Key Lime Pie?"
"Uh, no, just regular lime."
"Well I'll have none of that! Remember the Plantain Pudding incident? Hell no, not falling for it!."
People, life is too short to haggle over citrus fruit. I seriously thought my head would explode.
Have a wonderful day, and if you see me at the store, throw a lime at me.
posted by Jenn at
9:42 AM
14 Comments:
If I didn't have kids, I'd probably shop that way. I freaking hate it.
Jenn, I think that really is the funniest thing i've ever read.
My mom always trys to get me to go grocery shopping with her, I think so she can try to bond with me or something, but I always say no because I hate it too. I just make her a list of pretty much everything you said you get for your kids and send it with her.
"How's everyone today? I'm feeling like a gigantic piece of shit today. Many reasons, none I want to discuss. Moving on...."
Hey Turd,
Since you brought it up, Why don't you tell us why you feel like a giant piece of shit, TODAY? Not to insult ol' Matt's comedy taste (or ass kissing, whichever it is...Not judging or nothin'...) or anything like that, but I bet it sure would be alot funnier than that not really so funny joke you wrote instead. It's WONDERFUL if you want to be ordinary, now tell me the ugly truth if you want to be the best.
Just a friendly thought from a turd that has heard you do it.
Until later...
OH!...And I still want to fuck Sarah. Girlfriend or no...Or better yet...YEAH!! That's it...Gotta go watch 407 for a bit, peace...
Not four hundred and seven..four hundred and nin...never mind...
Jeff doesn't think I'm funny.
If I told you why I feel like shit, it would end up as fodder for your own blog. :) But if you really want to know, I'll tell you later. But I'll be damned if I'm typing it here.
Matthew is apparently my biggest fan. Thanks, Matthew.
Hey I don't kiss anyones ass. I laugh at what I think is funny. And that post made me laugh, ass.
matthew, don't worry about jeff, he's kidding. He thinks anyone who finds me funny really just wants to see my boobs. :)
jeff is the one guy friend i have who makes me think, and forces me to be totally honest with myself. Sometimes that sucks, but it's good for me.
Thanks for the hug sarah. :)
topless voting, bryce? Yeah, I'd sign up for that. But have you seen most of the broads who vote? You might change your mind.
:p
That's the spirit!
A jenn.... love the key lime!
Thanks Van! :)
Jenn, you go, girl. One time the cashier at Wal-Mart had no change. It took forever to get me my change.
Then, on another visit, I asked the cashier if he'd have change for my bill. He said, "Well, if we don't have change, we go get it! Don't worry about it!" Never mind that on the previous occasion it took five managers and an act of Congress to get my change.
Now I buy a $400 gift card at Wal-Mart and use that to shop there till it's run out. The last time I needed to use the couple remaining bucks on the card and buy a new card, it was after 11:00, and I got an apparently new cashier who had a dense Caribbean accent and a brain to match. It took a forever to ring me up and get me the new card.
When she checked my credit card against my driver's license, she didn't even know what to look at. Apparently she didn't know that the name was what she was supposed to check, so she called the manager over -- again -- and the manager ridiculed the cashier for having the manager come over, but the manager was too stupid to tell the cashier, "Check this name against that name." The mgr merely checked it herself and didn't bother to explain anything to the cashier, thus ensuring that the delay was for naught because the cashier would be just as clueless in the future.
The poor people behind me in line managed not to explode, bless them. I guess next time I need to buy a gift card I won't do it after 11:00.
topless voting...? hmmm....florida could be pretty scary. alaska would be interesting, a bunch of eskimos with nipples hard enough to cut through a mountain which would be helpful if we decide to wreck the natural landscape to find oil. for my money the place to live for decent topless voting would have to be the freshman dorm room at ucla.
I really dislike WalMart, but since I'm poor, I require their low, low prices.
Topless eskimos, lol.
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