The Claw

I’m not a gambler. I’ve never been to Vegas, never set foot in a casino, have never placed coins into a slot machine of any kind. I can’t imagine continuously feeding money into a machine that is certain to give me nothing in return.

That is, except for the crane machine.

I admit it. I have a weakness. Every time I pass a glass box full of cheap toys, I am drawn to it like a moth to a light bulb.

You mock me, crane machine, with your shiny claw and promise of a reward.

I think I will outsmart you this time. You happily eat my dollar, secure in the knowledge that I would certainly leave empty handed.

I spot the weak one – the vulnerable toy, in the middle and on top of the pile. Oh yes, badly made Bart Simpson doll, you will be going home with ME today. I position the claw carefully above Bart’s head and push the button. Miss! It grazes his head and snaps shut. I try again. Another miss. I am more determined than ever now to get that doll in my hands! Maneuver the claw, press the button, another miss. Finally, on the fourth try, the claw grasps the crappy toy, and retracts it from its living space. It starts to rise and I think, yes! I got it! It’s mine! Then a slight ‘bump’ and Bart falls back to the pile.

I hear you laughing, Bart. You think this is funny? You think this is a game? I shall defeat you!

But I don’t have another dollar.

I’ll get you next time, Bart Simpson. Next time.

I’m making New Year’s Resolutions in my head.

Ooh! There’s another one! They just keep coming.

I am resolving to do a lot of things in the coming year, as well as stop doing a lot of things I’ve been doing. I’ve made myself pretty crazy this year.

Is it hokey to list my resolutions here? Who cares. Gonna do it anyway. I won’t share all of them, so here are just a few…

In 2007, I plan to….

- Be better about keeping in touch with friends and family. I might even call my dad, who knows.

- Spend (more) quality time with my kids.

- Write some new material.

- Start writing a screenplay.

- Finish writing my play.

- Take care of ME, physically, mentally, spiritually.

- Make my family eat better things. (already ordered some new cookbooks.)

- Drink more water.

- Stop obsessing about things and people that are meaningless and/or out of my control.

- Stop taking impersonal things personally.

- Make a conscious effort to appreciate that which is in front of me.

- Read more books.

- Complain less.

Happy New Year, folks.
Don't drink and drive. Please be safe out there. And, if you don't have plans already, Comedy Sportz will be doing two shows on New Year's Eve, 8 Pm and 10 PM. That's where I'll be, sober and all.

Peace.

Bunnies!

And so it ends...

Back at the office today, and I can't help but be relieved that this whole Christmas bit is over. The kids got what they wanted, and I was pleased with that. One of the benefits of having divorced parents is that a kid tends to make out like a bandit. Emily got her cell phone and an acoustic guitar, Chris got his custom skateboard and all the Legos and Bionicles he wanted.

The boyfriend and I got each other books - apparently we remain on the same thought plane. Lenny Bruce and Andy Kaufman for him; The Screenplay Writer's Bible and How Not to Write a Screenplay for me. A hint, perhaps? Yes, I do plan on doing a lot more writing in the coming year. He also got me my favorite perfume, which I loved, and I got him some silly and goofy things and some new shirts, which he seemed to be happy with. I used my Macy's gift card to buy some stuff for me from Benefit - stuff that I wouldn't normally buy because it's far too pricey. Suffice it to say, I shall smell good for the rest of the year.

Oh, and for the geek in all of us....I finally reached level 40 on World of Warcraft, and Evan bought me my first mount for Christmas. I realize that there are precisely 2 people reading this who understand what it means.

A New Year is around the corner. This time last year, I dubbed 2005 the "Best Jenn Year Ever". That still holds true. 2006 has NOT been my best year. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of unemployment and job changes and depression (which remains unmedicated). Lots of personal stuff that should have stayed personal and never should have been shared here. I've lost touch with a lot of people. I've put a lot of things on hold, so to speak. I've spent far too much time wading in the shallow pool of self-pity and doubt and worry. And what has it gotten me? Jack squat, thank you very much.

But on the happy side - I quit drinking, which is awesome. Do I miss it? Nah. Not really. I've had trememdous support from some very good friends. We produced a few really good shows. I've made a couple of new friends this year. Evan returned to CSz and I've been to every match. I haven't bitten my nails in two months and they look great. My oldest daughter became a functioning member of society, and my other two children have continued to grow and amaze me. All in all, it could have been much worse.

In 2007, I plan to be happier and healthier. How I plan to accomplish those things I don't exactly know, but it will happen.

Hope you all had a nice holiday.

Emo half day

Geez I’m emotional today.

Not Emo. I'm not cutting myself or anything.

One of the radio stations was playing back the reactions of the needy family they sponsored for Christmas. It was touching. The kids were so excited and so appreciative of all the things they received. I teared up a bit, listening to their humble and sincere exclamations.

And then I get to my office and find a card on my desk from the boss, with a $100 gift card to Macy’s. Wow. Very nice. She’s so awesome. I get to buy stuff for ME for a change! Yes! Although I did buy myself a new purse yesterday. I downsized. Perhaps a little too much. Emily was amused at watching me try to fit everything into the new bag. It wasn't happening. But heck, it only cost me $8. I'll make it work.

Kids came over last nite, we have them until Sunday morning, then back again on Monday and thru the week. Yay! Their dad’s family always does their Christmas on Christmas Eve, so that actually works out ok every year.

The mini-teen and I did “Christmas” with the Teen last nite. I gave her the coffee maker she requested. In return, she gave me a bag of Starbuck’s Christmas Blend. Mmmm. Snooty coffee. The mini-teen received from her older sister ‘the purse’. She’s been waiting for her sis to hand this purse down to her for years. The Teen has carried it for so long, I can’t even remember when or where she got it. But it’s finally been passed on to Emily. She was thrilled. It’s not even that great of a purse – it’s just a blue canvas bag and has been written on with magic marker by the Teen and various other people. I guess it’s more the legacy than the item that means so much to her. We had a nice evening, together, just us girls, although the boys kept calling me asking me when I’d be home with food. Silly boys. Totally lost without me.

I only have to work until noon-ish today, so that rocks. I may be incredibly busy for the next few days – duh – so if I don’t get back here, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

Bah. Humbug. Take 2.

I've had my first holiday casualty.

Some stuff I ordered online was supposedly delivered to my house yesterday. Problem is, it's not where they said they left it.

There was someone home who could have easily signed for a package, but there was never a knock. The UPS guy took it upon himself to just leave it on the front porch.

Thanks for that, jackass. Now it's gone and won't be replaced before Christmas.

And people wonder why I hate the holidays.

Bah.

FYI - According to UPS...if you order anything from amazon.com, their default instructions for all deliveries are to leave packages without a signature. Not a good idea. Make sure you request otherwise.

Compliments

I love Board meeting days. I order and serve them a nice lunch, and then I get to treat the staff and myself to the left overs. And there are always left overs.

We usually order from Corner Bakery. Great sandwiches, and they make a fantastic pasta salad that I am trying desperately to re-create on paper. I've identified almost all of the ingredients, but I know I'm missing something. I'll try it at home and let you know how it turns out.

(For my Houston readers - it's a lot like the penne pasta salad from Star Pizza. Man, I miss that place.)

I got the nicest compliment today. I asked Margeting Guy if there was anything else I could do to help him. He said, "If we could clone you, we'd be set."

Ahh. How nice. Although I'm sure there are a few folks in my life who would disagree. One of me is quite enough, even too much at times.

But it was a well placed, well timed, nice thing to say. I needed that.

CNN Update

It's 6 hours later and they're STILL talking about Miss USA.

Dear god.

Kill me billy.

I haven't had a lot to do today at work, which explains why I've been able to follow this oh so important story. I keep asking for things that will take me away from my desk so I don't have to look at that awful head of hair on Mr. Trump. He's had enough face time today to last for a while. He's creepy.

Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I wonder what the news will be? I swear if they're still talking about it tomorrow, I will scream.

CNN - the worst news ever.

I work at the front desk at my office. In the lobby we have a very nice, big, plasma screen TV. We keep it on during the day for clients and visitors. I keep the volume turned down so I'm not distracted, and to prevent myself from watching it continuously, I keep it tuned in to CNN, the worst news network in the world.

(We have Direct TV. I could feasibly put it on Cartoon Network or Comedy Central if I wanted to, but they tend to frown on that.)

Back in the day, CNN was a good channel. It provided news. Breaking, important news stories that people were interested in, that people cared about.
What a novel idea for the Cable News Network.

But for the past 2 and a half hours, they have been running what apparently they believe to be the biggest news story since 9/11. What is it?

Whether or not Miss USA will be relieved of her crown.

Seriously.

This is the big news story of the day? The partying habits of a pageant princess? Is this what we are concerned about as a society?

If you're worried, fear not. Donald Trump has decided to give her a second chance.
Aww, what a nice guy he is.

Where's the remote?

Fa la la la la, la blah blah blah

It amazes me how much money we can spend at a certain large retail store. (I'll give you a hint - it rhymes with Ball Fart.)

It seriously took us 3 hours to do our shopping. THREE HOURS! And I only bought a couple of gifty things. The rest? Groceries. Lots and lots of groceries. At least now everyone will be happy and well fed. I imagine it wouldn't take me so long if I went alone, but it's more fun to take the man along. He makes me giggle. It was exhausting.

Ordered my son's big gift. Only $100 and got the 2-day shipping for a mere $5. Not bad. Still more stuff to buy. Still more things to do. My house is not completely in order, but it's getting there. If I could spend a couple of hours a day on it, it would be in much better shape. At least the boyfriend will take out the garbage for me. It's my least favorite chore. Yuck.

We're still dealing with the legal stuff from the car accident we were in back in May. (If you're just joining us...we were hit by a drunk driver while we were stopped at a toll booth. Good times.)

A settlement is in our future, though I don't know how long that will take. My back still bothers me and there's little I can do about it. But here's the latest stupidity. Our attorney sent me a copy of one of my medical bills, and the hospital is charging me for medication they never gave me, to the tune of nearly $500. They are trying to charge me for 100 doses of a medication A) I've never heard of, and B) I never got.

So I call the billing department. The lady tells me that I had prescriptions filled at the hospital.

Uh, no, I didn't.

I received two written prescriptions, which I filled at an outside pharmacy and paid cash for. So then she proceeds to tell me that they are charging me for writing the prescription.

Really? Is that the story you're going with? You're charging me for two pieces of PAPER???? That's just fucking nuts. The lady kept saying, "You just don't understand." Damn right I don't, so why don't you explain it to me?? If I go to the doctor, I pay the doctor. If he gives me prescriptions, I take them to a pharmacy and pay for them there. Why is this so hard to comprehend?

I gave up on her and called the hospital directly. They were rude and told me to call the other number. No, I said, I spoke to them already and they are ridiculous, so if you want this bill paid you'd best get me to someone who can help.

Transfer. Disconnect. Thanks for that.
Call back. Transfer. Voice mail. Lady on vacation. Press zero for operator. Disconnect again.
Call back one last time. Tell lady not to hang up on me, please, and get me to a person who is not on vacation. Voice mail again. Left a message.
Probably sounded like a bitch. Don't care.

I received prescriptions for precisely 20 pills on my first visit to the ER - 10 for pain, 10 muscle relaxers. The second time I went in it was because they called ME and told me to come back for more tests, and I received no meds that day. I don't know where they're getting their numbers, but I bet if I had health insurance, they wouldn't be trying to screw me like this. Just a thought. Fucking brilliant. So I have to get this resolved with the hospital before the attorney will submit the claim for payment.

I would be mad if it weren't so stupid. No time for mad today.

I've decided that I need a girl's nite out. Very soon. Very soon. I do consider Evan my best friend, but he's still a guy, and I need to be around some estrogen at some point. Really I do. It's been a while. I don't get out much.

Hope you all have a stress-free day.

Happy Monday

It’s going to be yet another busy week.

Evan has picked up some extra defensive driving classes. I’m glad for the money, but I’m sad for the way he got them. The fundraiser for his co-worker has been postponed until after the holidays. The family is doing ok right now. No news on any improvement in his condition.

Our schedules have gotten full up again and we don’t get to see each other much, which makes for a very cranky Jenn. And somehow, there also needs to be time for other things besides work, like friends and family and shopping and having fun. You forget about those things sometimes.

But Tonite - we get to be together. Tonite, we will go to the bank and to the store and buy food and assorted happy holiday items. And we will laugh and act silly and have fun, in spite of the terrible crowds and rude, cranky people who’d just as soon run you over with a shopping cart than slow down for a moment so you can get through. I’m very much looking forward to my evening with the man. (Not da man, The man.)

I am making some tasty dishes for the office party on Thursday. We’re having Italian entrees brought in, so I’ll be preparing a couple of salads that will surely compliment the main course.

We had a great Saturday evening. Yummy dinner at Spiatza’s and I made $3 in tips working concessions at Comedy Sportz. Probably because I kept flashing my huge rack.*

And that, folks, is all I there is today.

(* Jeremy loaned me his reindeer antlers, which happened to have flashing lights on them. Come on folks, it’s a clean, family show. I don’t do that. Well, not anymore.)

Feeling better today

Ok, so I'm over my pissy little fit from yesterday. What a week it's been. I was pretty much pissed off all day, until my daughter called and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.

So I did. We went to dinner, ate chicken, watched the chicken cook in the giant rotisserie ovens, and she said things that in my head sounded like things that Mitch Hedberg would have said. We went to World Market and drooled over the chocolate and coffee selections. I have officially started my Christmas shopping. Got Emily's big gift, a few silly things for the boyfriend, and ordering the boy's big gift today. May be able to swing the thing that the boyfriend wants. That would be sweet.

Still no tree or decorations. I'm not quite there yet. Lots of stuff to do today. Need a peppermint mocha from Starbuck's. Yum. I'm out.

Bah. Humbug.

I'm not ready for Christmas. Not one little bit.

I really just don't even care about it at all. I have no interest in decorating or baking or buying gifts or wrapping things. I don't want to listen to Christmas music or watch my favorite holiday shows.

I just. Dont. Care.

I haven't bought a single thing. For anybody. I hate shopping. I don't want to fight the crowds. Yet, I don't want to disappoint my kids. They will get what they want, as always, minus perhaps the usual enthusiasm they get from me.

I hate my house. It's a disaster, no matter what I do to try and make it liveable. The kids' dad has his house all decked out and lit and it just pisses me right the fuck off. I know how stupid that sounds. I just don't like him. He's gone out of his way to be shitty to me this year, and when I see his house all festive it makes me want to puke.

I have NO freaking idea what to get the boyfriend for christmas. Some girlfriend I am. Not a thought, not a clue, not one in my head. I know what he wants, but I can't afford it. I know what I want, and I'm not getting it, so I want nothing. I wanted to get tickets to Trans-Siberian again this year, but he wouldn't be able to go anyway due to his show and work schedule.

I'm just cranky and pissy and don't really give two shits about anything at the moment.

Bah. Humbug.

Blech

I feel like I've been run over by a large motorized vehicle.

Yuck.

I don't know where this came from. I don't have a fever, but my body aches and I'm nauseated. Gross.

At home sleeping it off today.

Here ya go, Doof.

I HATE you, Time Warner Cable.

You suck.

You are the suckiest sucks who ever sucked.

There is not another entity in the world who could possibly suck more than you.

Our high speed internet is a joke. The cable modem goes out every single day for at least an hour. The cable TV box has been all kinds of screwed up off and on for days. We pay way too much for this crappy ass service. And every time I call for help, they tell me it will be a week before a technician can come out.

A week? Screw you!

Tonite, the guide said that "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" was coming on. I was excited. One of my favorite Christmas movies ever.
Instead, they showed the first "Vacation" movie.

I hate you, Time Warner.
But I still love the Grisswold's.

I'm going to pick up my man from work now and hear about how awful his day was.

At least he didn't have to deal with the cable company.
Bastards.

Fun quizzes???

Funny. I found this on a site that offers silly quizzes. How did it get there? What was the motivation to go from "What donut are you?" or "What color purple are you?" to "Do you want to swallow a handful of pills and put an end to the pain??"

Apparently, I need professional help. lol.

Your Depression Level: 76%

You seem to have moderate depression. Your symptoms are bad enough that they're effecting your everyday life. You would benefit greatly from professional help.

Are You Depressed?

Say a little prayer if you will

One of Evan's co-workers at Comedy Defensive Driving had a stroke over the weekend. The prognosis isn't good. He has a wife and three small children. The wife doesn't work. They have no health insurance. He's only 49 years old.

The lot of us are trying to put together a fundraiser show of some kind before Christmas to help out his family. If you're reading this and you're local, email me if you'd like to help out in some way. Gracias.

"So, I heard you're a comedian..."

I was walking thru the warehouse this morning on my way for a smoke break, and the assembly guys stopped me. They said they had heard that I do stand up and wanted to know when my next show was going to be.

I get that question a lot.

Seth called me the other day. We used to be inseparable comedy buddies. We wrote together. We performed together. It’s been a while.

I haven’t been on stage since August. I haven’t done an open mic since about that time as well. I wouldn’t say I’ve given up on comedy, but I certainly have taken an extended break. I’ve been consumed with trying to manage my life. I haven’t written a joke in a very long time. I haven’t felt ‘funny’. So many things in my personal life have taken center stage, which has left little time and little interest in being back on the stage myself.

I got a text message last weekend from a friend of mine asking if I would perform at her birthday party in the spring. Of course I will. How could I say no to that?

I need to get back out there. I miss it. I miss my comedy buddies. I miss the laughter. I have such fond memories of it all. Those times when there was no laughter at all from an audience at an open mic - until I took the stage. The first time I was approached to do a showcase. The first time I made the manager at the Laff Stop in Houston actually laugh out loud. The Gong Show – that time I did well, not the time I got gonged. Putting shows together at the last minute. Watching comedians grow and develop. I used to be such a big part of it all. I want that back. I miss it. I need it.

So when will my next show be? I’m not sure yet, but I’ll let you know.
So far, I have a definite booking for April 2007. :)

Google me this...

Googlism for: jenn
www.googlism.com

I found this to be amusing. Go put your name in and see what it comes up with. Here are my favorites:

jenn is an atheist
jenn is not here yet
jenn is awesome
jenn is cool
jenn is an egg
jenn is so great
jenn is the best
jenn is the daughter of the mayor of spring sun
jenn is a person who loves jesus deeply (But I thought I was an atheist?)
jenn is not working with clients
jenn is not a doctor or nurse
jenn is a happy little homemaker
jenn is older then glen they apparently didn't have color photography at that point
jenn is continuing to recuperate
jenn is the greatest
jenn is the best thing
jenn is back in the band and jim dispirito is out
jenn is a wonderful person
jenn is doing all of the hard work
jenn is waiting for a response
jenn is going to put the hurt to them
jenn is soft
jenn is one of the few females on the boards that i like
jenn is also a very cool kid
jenn is up on the bridge
jenn is the glue of the operation
jenn is drawn into the shadowland
jenn is an amazing freestyle canoeist and is currently pursuing a degree in nursing
jenn is so sick of feeling like this
jenn is ok
jenn is not responsible for any injury
jenn is a member of the american dental association
jenn is a laid back easy going person
jenn is a great friend
jenn is bugging
jenn is my favorite source for casual baby doll clothing
jenn is available in portable form
jenn is such a happy person today and i donno why
jenn is one of those people
jenn is reliable
jenn is still pregnant
jenn is the short member of cast
jenn is saucy
jenn is emotional and tends to talk in third person or say odd things
jenn is available for trades

Ouch.

I sliced the shit out of my finger yesterday which led to an unfortunate bout of hysterical sobbing. Freaked out my son a bit. Felt bad about that. Yes, it hurt immensely, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding – damn thing is pretty deep and is still bleeding today, probably could have gotten a couple of stitches had we gone to the ER - but for other reasons, I just needed to cry. Hard and long. I had gone on a mad cleaning spree to let off some steam and I was working on the kitchen. (I do my best cleaning when I’m angry. Ha, you’d think my house would be spotless.) All was good and nearly done until I decided to cut up a lemon to throw into the disposal. The scream I let out must have been frightening. My man was there in a heartbeat, a millisecond, bandaging my wound and holding me while I sobbed. He knew I needed to. I left the shoulder of his t-shirt sopping wet with tears. He said something silly to make me smile. He always does.

I hate when I feel that way. I hate when I let stupid things that don’t really matter get to me. Things that matter so very little in the grand scheme of things that it’s silly for me to think, even for a second, that they do. Complete and total non-issues. But compile them all together and it’s just overwhelming at times. And my boyfriend, who is there for me every second of every day, just looks at me with those sad and loving puppy dog eyes, trying his best to comfort me and convince me just how little these things matter. Still, I’d prefer these things go away rather than have to ignore or just put up with them. I’m tired of putting up with them. So very tired.

Solutions have been decided upon and my finger will heal eventually.

Life isn’t all flowers and sausages you know.

(Big E and Ann Marie, that one’s for you.)

You had me at "You know..."

For Doof, and others, a brief update.

My mini-teen (Emily) has a new boyfriend. His name is Wilson. I'm all over that. I mean really, how many times can you make the "Castaway" reference before it stops being funny? I'll let you know. So far, it still makes me giggle. I don't think she's quite as amused as I am. Like I care.

Christmas is coming. I have yet to start my shopping, as usual. Why do I wait until the last minute? I do this every year. And I hate it when people ask me what I want for Christmas. What I really want is rarely tangible or practical, so just get me some fuzzy slippers or a pound of Christmas Blend from Starbuck's and be done with it. If it's the thought that really counts, then tell me you thought about getting me something from Tiffany's. I'll probably believe you.

My kids have offered up their lists for "Santa". Yes, at their age, they know now that Santa = parents. The older they get, the more expensive their tastes. Cell phone, Ipod, custom skateboard. Although my son's list included some odd items, including a flashlight and a roll of quarters. I'm not sure what that's about.

Only two paydays and 15 shopping days left.

I kinda like this new blog look. Thanks for the comments on it, it is better than all that pink. It isn't cluttered with a bunch of stuff. I may add the links back, and some of the other stuff, or I may not. This is, after all, all about ME. And it's the only place in the world that is.

Like mother. Like daughter.

That moment that I always knew would come has arrived. Well, let’s say I always hoped it would come, but I certainly didn’t expect it this soon.

That moment when my daughter, after all the terrible years we had together, would somehow turn back into a human being and be, well, nice.

It happened to me when I was in my 20’s. I realized how stupid I was as a teen and apologized to my mother for all I had put her thru.

I didn’t get an apology, but what I did get was so much better. We got to hang out together on Friday nite. I went over to her place – that in itself is weird to say out loud. We went shopping for some crafty items she was in need of. We laughed and joked about things from the past. Most notably – how much we used to fight, and how silly it sounds now. It’s good to be able to laugh about those things. They weren't funny at the time.

We talked about boys. We talked about work. We talked about life in general.

We went to Starbuck’s. SHE bought ME a coffee. And she ordered her double tall soy milk white chocolate mocha like a pro.

‘Decaf mom? Are you serious?’
Yep, it’s 8 PM, I have to get some sleep tonite!

She told me about her ‘budget’ and what they planned on buying everyone for Christmas. She has already selected things for her brother and sister. She requested a vacuum cleaner, preferably bagless, and a coffee maker from us.

My daughter wants appliances for Christmas. My daughter has a budget. My daughter is buying gifts for her siblings.

We went and picked up her boyfriend from work, and laughed about how icky and stupid boys are as we forced him into the back seat.

She said thank you. She said she loved me. I went home and cried. But in a good way.