Out of the mouths of babes and friends

So I told my 16 year old daughter, the princess, that we're moving to a 3rd floor apartment. Her response?

"But mom, how will you get up there when you're drunk?"

Hahahahahahahaha.

In other news...

I've realized that I really need more female friends. Most of my friends are guys, and that's cool and all, but there are times when having a male friend is less than helpful. Example...

Joel and I are talking. I'm telling him all the drama in my life - car, home life, kids, work, everything that's been stressing me out. I'm completely in tears, relaying all of the issues that I'm going thru at the moment. He listens, looks like he was paying attention, and then he says to me: "Jenn, just let me see your tits."

Fuck "When Harry Met Sally". Men and women can't be just friends. :)

One foot in front of the other

Well this has been a stressful month for me, but things are finally improving. I got approved for an apartment, which means no more roommates and no more living with my oldest daughter, aka, Satan. Seriously, this child is not my best work. It's been a very hostile living situation for a while. As if life isn't stressful enough. My oldest daughter reminds me a lot of my mother, actually. She berates me constantly, never has a kind word to say, and is just generally unpleasant. She's a very 'what's in it for me' kind of person - and as soon as my car broke down again, I was of no use to her. My younger daughter, on the other hand, is a princess. She's sweet and loving and does everything she can to stay out of her sister's way. We all do, really. It's just been such a nightmare. But having been evicted when I lost my job last year, it has been extremely difficult to get approved for a place to live. I found an apartment locator who worked hard to find a place for me, and I'm so thankful that I found him! If you're ever in need of that kind of help, please call him. Bryan Williams at Apartment Dispatch. You can find him if you google.

So the car is still sitting in Richardson at the shop. I've gone back and forth on the 'offer' I got from the Russian guy. Is $500 worth of auto repairs worth losing my dignity and self respect? I really haven't decided yet.

Work is incredibly stressful. I've been put into a role that I'm not good at - hardass. I'm such a nice person, and everyone is doing a great job, just not great enough. We're all paying for the mistakes made by the previous workers, and suddenly we're expected to do a 360 and make it all work when nothing or no one did for over a year. I've had a month with the new staff, and things are getting better, just not fast enough for management. Dammit. I love this job and I'm not good at being the bad guy.

I don't have any shows scheduled at the moment. Probably a good thing, as I have a lot of other stuff to take care of in the next couple of weeks. My bass player called and apologized for being such a shit to me. He's stressed out too. Performers can be so dramatic. He may be coming to see me soon, but I'm not making him any promises. For all intents and purposes, I'm still officially single.

And I've been watching a friend basically drink himself to death. He's way too young to be so far gone and it kills me. I've tried to talk to him about it and he brushes me off with the usual, "I can handle it, don't worry about me" bullshit. Fine. I've decided that we just can't be friends anymore. The final straw was Saturday morning, when he called me at 7 AM and asked, "Where's New Braunfels?" Near Austin, I said. "Oh, well that's where I am. I don't know how I got here." Great. Enjoy your slow and painful death, buddy.

One day at a time, folks. One foot in front of the other. I'll make it. We all will.

The skinny on the funny

Happy Hump Day, folks. I wanted to let you all know how my shows went at Hyena’s Arlington last weekend.

Friday nite, we had 2 shows. The headliner was a British guy named Steve Hirst. When I went into the ‘green room’ to meet him and check on guest set and feature comedians, he was a total dick to me. I didn’t really expect for him to be nice. He headlines all over and the opening act is never really someone they pay attention to. So my first impression of him was: Douche.

First show started at 8:30. Let me just say that I was nervous as fuck. But I got up there and did a great set, introduced everyone correctly, and made sure all the announcements for the club were done as well. Headliner Steve said ‘Good job’ in passing after the first show. Second show at 11 went just as well, and after all was said and done, Headliner Steve talked to me a bit more. Said he thought I was really good and that he hoped things worked out for me in comedy. That was nice.

It’s funny how nice people are to you after you do a good job. Hmph.

Saturday nite there were 3 shows. The first one at 7 was not my best. The audience wasn’t responding as well as the nite before, and it threw me off. I cut my set short, and introduced the feature by the wrong name. Go Jenn! But the management people and the comedians told me to shake it off, that the early show is always rough. Headliner Steve said, “Maybe is wasn’t the crowd, maybe it was you.”

Thanks. Thanks for that.

Second show on Saturday nite was great! I was on, did a lot of ad libbing and messing with cute boys in the audience. I introduced everyone right this time and got the announcements done. I even got to call up a hot guy on stage for his birthday – his friends ordered him a Blowjob shot, and the waitstaff felt that I was more appropriate to do it than one of the guys. I had a lot of fun with it.

Third show was ok. Not great, not bad, but ok. I got some cute pics of me, a couple with the other acts, and overall, I think it was a success. They asked me to come back, so I’m officially in the rotation as an opener. Yay!

Early Sunday morning, when I was on my way home for the nite, I discovered that my wallet, my make-up bag and my notebook were missing. I called the club frantically but they hadn’t found anything. Fail! I cried all the way home, mostly for the notebook, because there are thoughts and ideas in there that I can’t easily replace.
But around 9 am, I got a call from a woman who had found my wallet! No, not at the club, but in the parking lot of a Whataburger in Irving. I was nowhere near Irving, so obviously someone stole it out of my purse. Great! I got it back from these amazing good Samaritans. All that was missing was my little bit of cash. My license, debit card and other assorted things were still in tact. Still waiting to hear from the club on the notebook.

And, if that weren’t bad enough…in between the first and second show on Saturday is when my bass player blew me off. I was looking for a little comfort, a little consoling after my first set that sucked. Well, he was not interested in all that, got pretty shitty with me and that was pretty much the end of that.

I was totally depressed on Sunday so I packed up all my laundry and went to my mom’s. Why? Because mothers always tell you that you’re great, even if you suck. Sadly, my car died after arriving at her place so I was stuck there til Monday afternoon. But she did my laundry, so that was cool. I had the car towed to the Russians again. He called me today and said it would be around $600 to repair this time. I told him I couldn’t afford it. He said we could take it out in trade. What he meant was sex. Gross! Don’t get me wrong, if he were even slightly attractive, I would consider it, but he’s about 60 years old with a mouth full of gold teeth and dirty mechanic’s fingernails. Blech. I’m disgusted that he would even ask. Must have been the bobble penis on the dashboard. Obviously a girl with one of those is easy.

So that was my weekend. Anyone wanna buy a 1969 Toyota Corona?

Go ahead, say I told you so....

Yes, Tom, this is meant for you. That whole monogamy thing was ridiculous and short-lived. I kinda knew it wouldn't turn out to be anything special, but sometimes a girl just has to hope.

So, I'm single. For real. Again. Yay! No worries, I have too much going on in my life to worry about having a boyfriend. And you're right, Tom. I don't really want one. Fact is, I don't know what I want.

Nothing better than being blown off via text. But here's a joke to go along with the situation:

What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Yeah. Take that.

My weekend at Hyena's was much better than I expected. I'll write more about that later.

Comedy is hard

Good morning, and happy Friday! It’s my big opening weekend at Hyena’s Arlington! Holy crap! Five shows, two tonite and 3 tomorrow. I’m nervous, excited, and a plethora of other emotions. I hope it goes well. I have a few friends coming to see me so that will be cool.

I often wonder if other comedians get as emotional about performing as I do. When I have a good set, or when I’m invited to perform at various places, it makes me so happy I want to cry. Yeah, I know that’s girlie, but that’s how I react. When people come up to me after a show and tell me how much they enjoyed it, I’m almost shocked, and so very humbled and thankful that people think I’m funny.

I see these guys who’ve been doing it for years, and they are so non-chalant about it. I’m sure it means something to them, but I guess it’s just different. I don’t know. I wonder if they still get nervous, if they go over and over their stuff until they can’t stand it anymore. They all look so comfortable and confident, and I’m practically having a panic attack right before I go on. I read in a comedy book once that if you ever stop being nervous, then you’ve lost your edge. I’m not sure if that’s true of everyone, but it’s certainly true of me.

My bass player leaves for his tour tonite. They begin and end in Portland, and I sure wish I could go, for many reasons. I miss him, and I’d love to hang out with him, plus it would be nice to get away from this Texas heat for a while. But that’s not gonna happen. I know he’ll be in touch with me while he’s on the road. I’m the calmest thing in his life and he totally digs me.

Long-distance monogamy. Weird. I like it though. Keeps me hopeful and out of trouble.

I freaking rule

I did a show at Absolute Rehearsal Studios last nite, and it was amazing! I wasn't quite sure what to expect at such a venue, but it really was great. It's a band rehearsal space (hence the name, duh), and the people were just the coolest ever. There's a bar too - well, of course there's a bar. Like I would perform someplace that didn't have one! Some of the band guys came to see the show and they frigging loved me. I got to hang out with one band in their practice room and listen to them jam. They're amazing. I was invited back just to hang out by a bunch of the musicians. Sweet!

I'm totally in love with these guys - Energy Williams. They fucking rock. Check them out, seriously. And I'm not just saying this because the bass player digs me. What is it with me and bass players? Anywho, here are their Myspace links and a Youtube video. Seriously talented young guys. And adorable to boot!

http://www.myspace.com/energywilliams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69W6fWsYvOA

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=36715234

A haunting

My oldest daughter works at the original Snuffer's on Greenville Avenue in Dallas. I didn't find out until recently that it's haunted.

No, for real! It's actually listed in a book, "Haunted Places" by Dennis William Hauck. So I started googling and found several websites that mention various haunted activities. And now I can't tear myself away from the place! I keep eating there, hoping to see one of the ghosts that people talk about. So far I haven't seen an actual ghost, but I did see something pretty cool.

If you've been to Snuffer's, you know that the front rooms and the patio were additions made later on. The two orignial rooms are behind these areas, and they back up to The Granada Theater. My daughter told me about a mirror hanging in one of the dining areas that has a lip print on it, and if you wipe it off, it comes back in a few minutes. I didn't believe her, so I wiped it myself earlier, and sure enough, in a few moments, the print was right back on the mirror! Astounding!

What a cool place to have so close by. Here are a couple of links about the activities there.
http://www.haunted-places.com/paranorm.htm#TEXAS
http://www.geocities.com/Baja/Canyon/3741/investigations/snuffers.html

The times, they are a-changing....

Man I've been so busy lately. Things are nuts, as always. Sick kids, work, comedy, trying to decide on where I'm going to live. Gah. So here's an update for all you kids out there who still read this. I know who you are.

So, the biggest news of all - my bass player pulled the 'G' word on me last nite.

No, not grandma.

"Girlfriend".
He called me his girlfriend.
Gulp.

But you know what? I'm ok with that. For all my whining and complaining about not being able to find a normal man, well, he certainly falls nowhere in the range of 'normal'. I dig him. He digs me. We'll see how this long-distance thing plays out. Don't look at me like that. It's cool. Really.

This is going to be a busy week. Lots of shows, a concert, my mom's birthday, and of course, my daily dealings with the elderly. Life's not too bad.

This set is clean, but I feel so dirty.

I went to the Backdoor Comedy Club last nite and did a few minutes of clean material. I've been wanting to go for a while, I just never felt comfortable with all the restrictions they put in place.


If you're unfamiliar, I'll fill you in - you can't tell dirty jokes at the Backdoor. The ladies who own the place are very particular about what you can and cannot say. No sexual references. No F words. Certainly none of my blow job jokes. No references to farts, dicks, vaginas, etc.


So where does that leave me, you may ask?


Well, I sat down and pulled 7 jokes from my repertoire that were not dirty. I went with my buddy Joel, who goes up there every week. It felt strange to be there, and people were looking at me like, "What is SHE doing here????" It was kinda creepy.

I did my three minutes and moved on. It wasn't my best 3 minutes ever, but I can't say it was my worst. The bulk of the crowd were there to see a 13-year old boy. How can you compete with that?


I've never felt so dirty telling clean jokes. Gah.

Nice guy?

So, my friend Joel is on a mission - to find me a 'nice guy'.

It's not going well.

There's a very fine line between 'nice' and 'goofy'. And I don't do goofy. Well, I take that back. I can take a little goofy, but it seems that the guys he deems to be 'nice guys' are far too goofy, dorky, whatever, for me to spend time with. Or, they seem really nice, but they're actually complete freaks when you get them alone.

Everytime I meet a new guy, they are shocked that I'm single. I'm a little surprised myself. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I'm cute, I'm funny, I'm fun to be with. I have great boobs, a great personality, and very little baggage and drama. So why can't I find someone who doesn't irritate the shit out of me?

Sigh.

Here's what I'm looking for - a man, aged 30's to 40's, no kids, or at least grown ones, stable job, no felonies, no history of mental illness, with a sense of humor and a decent sex drive. How hard can that be?

Comedy Schedule

Hey folks! Here's my show schedule so far for the month.

Tuesday, July 14th
Absolute Rehearsal Studio
Dallas, TX
8 PM

Friday, July 17th and Saturday, July 18th
Hyena's Arlington
I'm hosting the early and late shows for the weekend.

Now that I've had my meds....

Ha. Just kidding. Unless you count alcohol as a med.

Things are really Ok, I've just been a little overwhelmed. The car is repaired. I'm picking it up Monday when I have some money. I do have a very good mechanic, he just isn't close to where I live, so half the cost of fixing the car was having it towed to the shop. Oh well. I know they do a good job and don't screw me.

I did a guest spot at Hyena's Dallas last nite and it went well! My new co-workers, who are adorable by the way, came to see the show. They'll never look at me the same again, but I did warn them in advance. I really am loving this comedy thing again. I may be hosting all next weekend in Arlington, I'll let you know when I find out for sure.

I've been missing my bass player, but since we haven't quite gotten to the point of any sort of commitment, I decided to hook up with my long-term guy last nite. Yes, it was great and yes, I needed it. If I do become rich and famous, I'll be taking care of him. He's so worth it.

Tired today, holiday weekend approaching. Wish I had today off but it will be a short day.

Today is brought to you by the letter "F"

As in, F boys, F cars, F ex-coworkers who are still, somehow making my life difficult even though they don't work here anymore! GAH!!!!

My car is in the shop. Something happened to the steering. Every guy I know says, "Oh, yeah, that sounds like a tie rod." But not one of them knows how to fix it.

And I am so sick of getting drunk dialed in the middle of the nite! Cut it out, Tom! haha.

More later, I'm off to dinner.