The Crush

Well, it seems that the crush my grindcore bassist has on me is a little more severe than I anticipated. He's back home in Albuquerque, but we've talked almost every day since he left.

Now, we all know how Jenn feels about 'relationships' - I'm not good at them, and I don't have them. But this guy really seems to dig me, we're talking hardcore. I'm not convinced that I'm going off the market just yet, but there's a little whisper in my head that says, "Why the hell not?"

I think that part of his fascination with me lies in the fact that I'm so far removed from his music scene. I don't listen to it, don't follow it, I'm not a groupie or even close to being something similar. Not to mention that I'm possibly the exact opposite of most people he hangs out with. He says he loves talking to me because I'm not like 'those stupid 20-year old girls'.

His bandmates have been asking me this question: "What did you do to him?"

Well, the same thing I do to all the others, I suppose. But they're usually too young to really be won over by my Libran charm. But this one, he's a bit mesmerized. We've been having those long conversations, the ones that keep you up way too late, even though you have to work early the next morning. He misses me. He wants to come back and visit.

I am pretty damn charming, aren't I?

But as a performer, I also understand the love he has for what he does. Comedy is very important to me, music is very important to him. Plus he gets the added bonus of me not being jealous and crazy and, well, young. I'm not going to freak out when he goes on tour - which is coming up soon.

I don't know. We'll see how this develops. You'll be the first to know. :)

Nothing to see here

I don't really have much to say. Crappy open mic last nite, a comedy buddy who doesn't know when to go home, and not enough sleep. Yay.


On the work front, we have new staff who are wonderfully amazing and I hope they stick around. I think they're gonna be great.


My long-term hook-up guy and I can't seem to, well, hook up these days. Our schedules don't match anymore, now that I work daytime hours. Not that I mind like him texting me at 2 AM to see if I'm available.

Wait...actually, I hate that. But that's how it goes sometimes.

Good news though - I put on a size 12 pants today - and they FIT!
Yay for a hard job!

Fun with Haiku

My awesome new buddy Gina started this site, do check it out!

http://seriouslybadhaiku.blogspot.com/

You can even submit your own and she'll put them up. I have a couple on there, probably more to come. There's also a link over there on the right. Enjoy!

The Gropening

I forgot that I said I would write about being groped by the 88-year old man, so Gina, this one's just for you.

Let it not be said that a man in a power scooter is harmless.

One of the patients we see weekly is 88 years old. We'll call him Fred, because that's his name. Fred is a widower with 7 children, all of them older than me by 15 plus years. He's about five fee tall and 350 lbs. He looks a bit like The Penguin from Batman. Several health conditions prevent him from being able to walk, but he's like Speed Racer in that chair of his.

When I first met Fred, he did indeed seem harmless. Helpless even. He had been referred to us due to repeated falls and he needed therapy for strengthening and transfers*. He was very sweet when I first visited him, unable to even get himself out of bed, and very thankful for the concern. As the weeks went on he asked me more and more questions about my life, my kids, etc. We had some really funny conversations. He was surprised, and a little excited, to find out that I was single. Said he wanted to take me to the symphony. He has season tickets, you see. But I said no, it wouldn't be appropriate.

Soon enough he was making comments about my boobs. They started out very mild. I had to hunt him down one day for therapy and I found him in the dining room. He refers to us as 'the terrorists', so he's not always happy to see one of us coming for him. I asked if he would come to therapy and he said he would. I bet him $5 that he wouldn't show up. About an hour later, lo and behold, he came rolling into the clinic.

Fred: "Well, where's my five dollars?"
Me: "Aww, Fred, I don't have any money. But I've got a big smile for you!"
Fred: "That's not all you've got!"

You can imagine, it just got worse from there. He actually asked one of my co-workers how much they thought I might charge to let him see the boobs. Ack! lol.

We were talking about me being a comedian one day and he asked if I ever went onstage topless. I said no, of course not. He said he would buy season tickets to see that. Ha!

He didn't show up for therapy one day so I went up to check on him. He wasn't feeling well but was happy to see me. We talked for a few minutes and I told him I had to get back to work. He wanted a hug - yeah, I should have seen this coming, right? - so I obliged, and the next thing I know, he reached up with a pudgy hand and grabbed a handful of boob. Was I surprised? Not really. When you get to be 88 years old, you really don't have anything left to lose.

The moral of the story: No matter how old a man gets, or how bad his memory becomes -
Men never forget boobs.


(*Transfers = therapy lingo, meaning getting from the bed to the chair, from the chair to the toilet, etc.)

Grindcore...it's not just for breakfast anymore.

So these are the guys I've been hanging out with. Thankfully, they don't play in the apartment. I kinda liked this sort of music - when I was 17. I'm pretty sure this genre of music doesn't have a lot of female fans. :)

The only person I don't know in this video is the lead singer.

Drums - Bryan Fajardo

Bass - Joe Tapia

Guitar - Dorian (I don't know his last name. Luckily he's not the one I slept with. hahahah)

Rockin' It

I had an amazing set at Hyena's Arlington Saturday nite. Just freaking amazing! When people pay to see a comedy show, they are ready to laugh, and it shows.
Not like at an open mic where they just happen to be listening in between innings. They dare you to make them laugh, and sometimes it's just hard to do.

The pic is me and the headliner, Rob Little. He was freaking hysterical! And so nice too. Overall it was a great show. They liked me so much, they are putting me in the rotation to be an opener. An opener!!!! I can't tell you how many people have said to me, "Jenn, you'll never be an opener, you're too dirty." Well fuck you! hahahaha. I'm very excited, excruciatingly proud of myself, and just a little humbled.

I slept with a semi-rock star over the weekend. This is funny. My oldest daughter's best friend is in a band - they play grind core, not really my scene, but I can appreciate the talent, and they are famous and very well known in that circle. His bass player has been staying with us all week while they record their next album/cd. He's in his 30's, and apparently had developed a little crush on me during the week. I was oblivious of course, and he had no idea how to approach me. Isn't that cute? LMAO. We finally hooked up after my show Saturday nite. What a fun guy. He totally digs me. Shame he's leaving to go back to Albuquerque today. Story of my life, as always.

In other news, my mom's health has not been well, so I'm watching her closely and trying to figure out how to move her in with me without us killing each other. I'll let you know if I resolve that.

Have a great day y'all. :)

Not that there's anything wrong with it....

So American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert announced this week that he's gay.

Really? The guy who wears the heavy black eye-liner and looks like a girl is gay?
I'm shocked.

ha.

Now he and Clay Aiken can battle it out to see who's the gayest.
I still think Clay would win.

Today's winner from Yahoo Personals

"I really am an aspiring author for financial self help books I'm just waiting for the economic crisis to get healed. I've been retired for 2 years now due to a terrible accident with a county vehicle that was leaking oil and a zoo poo pile. I love me thems womans!"

I'm curious about the zoo poo. But that's about it.

Another gem....

Here's another from the Yahoo Personals:

"THE LIFE IS THE GREAT EXPERIENCE TO KNOW THE BEATY AND THE WORST OF THE LIFE, EVERY THING IS THE GREAT EXPERIENCE TO KNOW PEOPLE AND I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE LIVING THAT EXPERIENCE"

There's something to be said for brevity, but only when it makes sense.

Ugh.

I was groped by an 88 year old man today. More on that later.

Wake up to this, y'all.

Here I sit, a bit sunburned and slightly humbled from a rough set at Hyena's Dallas open mic. It's good to do badly sometimes. It reminds you that, no matter how good you think you are, you could be better. So that's what I'll try to do.

There were precisely 4 audience members and a gaggle of comics, as always. The 4 people who were paying attention stopped me on their way out the door. I asked them why there were leaving, and they said, "Well, you were done." I don't know these people, but they liked whatever it was I did when I was up there. Would have been nice if they'd shown their appreciation by laughing, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

And if a bad set and PMS weren't enough for a Monday morning....my friend Jill (linked on the right side over there) wrote some really nice things about me on her blog and I cried a little. Not the bad crying - like when I used to cry everyday because some douchebag told me another lie or dumped me for some chick 10 years younger than me. No, not that kind of crying. It was the good kind. The kind that happened after last Thursday nite's show in the car on the way home, after they told me they liked me. The kind of crying you do when you hear your 16 year old daughter play a song she wrote and you realize at that moment that she's incredibly brilliant. The kind of crying you do when your son, at the age of 15, still yells, "Mom! Watch me do this!"

Good crying. The kind you do when you realize that, in spite of all the bullshit in the world, you are loved by some very amazing and wonderful people. Thanks, Jill. I adore you too.

A real show!

Well, they liked me so much on Thursday nite that they invited to be in a weekend show. Freaking amazing!

Saturday, June 13th
Hyena's Arlington
10:30 PM

There is a two item minimum, and I believe it's $10 to get in, but it will be roughly 4-5 comics instead of 10 or more. Tell them you're there to see me at the door. I get in better with the management folks when I bring people.

It's funny. It was exactly 4 years ago this week that I started getting booked at the West End Comedy Club. I was really sad when the owners moved away and it shut down. But I'm Hyena's bitch now. Yeah, that's right.

Come see me!!!!

Today's Winner

Another gem from the Yahoo personals site:

"I want to visit a swing club. Looking for someone fun to go with. This Friday or Saturday night. I will be a gentleman. I just want to see this. I am married. I am fun and will be a blast to hang out with. If you ever wanted to explore this scene then do it with me. I will protect you or show you off or stay away and let you go. It is up to you. I am not sure what I want to do myself. You can bring a friend (female, club rules unless it is another couple.) if you want. I promise you a fun night and safe night. I think swing is such a crazy idea but I want to see it myself. Hope you will join me, let's laugh and explore together. No "performance" expected. Let's just see where it goes. Thanks."

This guy actually sent me a message and asked if I wanted to go.
LMAO.
No. No I don't.

Unedited profile from Yahoo:

"hi im mark n im divorced n starting my new life all over agin but im very compasionate n very loving n i learned a lot from n about the opsite sex n e femenite male gender issues n so now im more comfortable n as you see me know in my photo n im geting older n statring too mellow out n geting very well seasoned in life n i just dont want too hurt no more n i will love the best i can with any female who wants too date me or get in too a realationship with me or marige agin cause i realate n can see it from a more fem point of view now n i know what women have too put up with from some males who are not very open minded n what some fems have too go thru but iin fact in a ice brkrs for now and if anyone has seen me before on personals home paige im still the same as you read or seen before on my prior profile n i still feel the same way n all same as before n as far as my photo goes im just a softer more efenite male with long hair but the phots was a little off beacuse of bad photographers errors n im not wearing lip stick or make up as it is only bad glare n bad lighting n bad camera efects from the people at the photo studio n thier bloch job well sort of n so anway thats about all n ill close for now so agin love n compasion for all females out thier now n forever n love for all the world now n forever bye bye love mark love usa"

Hi. Punctuation, have ya heard of it?
One, extremely gigantic run-on sentence. Wow. Just...wow.
(This is the one who's a cross-dresser)

The Undecipherable

Here's an actual email I received from a guy on the Yahoo Personals. This is unedited, exactly how I got it:

"guy is setting at the bar , can i have a beer please the guy gives him a beer. setting guy prose beer on his head and the bar guy saids to him what are you doing and setting guy says I'm getting my date drank. hahahahahahaha i taught it was funny. well I'm glad and to thank you for taking the time and sounds like you have fun telling jokes and i can say some too but i have a job already. i have my own home and i have worked for the same company for23 years and i have a daugther and granddaughter that live with me right now . I'm a family man that takes care of family and will do anything i can to be there. i don't lie to people and i don't like to be lied at. i have allot of things i like to do like camping, walks at the park, movies,dancing (sometimes 2 left feet) i will not talk about the other sports. urcute"

I'm actually convinced that 90% of the guys on that site are retarded.

I have a date with a somewhat coherent guy this evening. Wish me luck. I can't say I'm optimistic. :(

Bringing the Funny

Well, maybe. Here's where you can see me:

Thursday, June 4th:
Hyena's Arlington, 8 PM.

My first ever 'guest set' at a big name comedy club.
Yeah. Go me.

Wednesday, June 10th:
Addison Improv Open Mic, 8 PM.

Dating is Bad. Real. Bad.

Why do I continue to torture myself?

Apparently I'm a masochist. Ha!

I'm back on the online dating thing again. And it's not going well.

Last nite, I got a message from a cross-dresser. The photo on his profile is him, as a girl. Full drag - make-up, wig, the works.
Yikes.

I went out on a date last week with a guy who sounded nice and cool on the phone. He sent pics, and I thought, ok, not bad. But when I got there, I swear he was 4 feet tall, 50 pounds heavier, and he looked like my dad.
Double yikes.
And he was a fussy little troll. He complained about everything, and about 5 minutes in, I was ready to bolt.

Why do people lie about themselves in their profiles? My pictures are recent. I give a pretty fair rundown of my life and what I'm looking for. I have no reason to lie. What you see is what you get. But the messages I get are either way too forward or undecipherable. One guy sent me a joke, and after reading it 3 times, I still don't get what he was trying to say. I'm thinking English is not his first language.

I'm so thankful for my regular guy. We only see each other a couple of times a month, but we have such a great time together. He always has wine and candles ready. We watch South Park or Jon Stewart and talk about how ridiculous the world is. We laugh. We have fun. And then I go home. It's freaking perfect. No drama, no BS. And he doesn't snore. :)

I'll only miss him for a little while....

And this song pretty much sums up our entire relationship, or whatever you want to call it. :)

I love the way you look at me
I feel the pain you place inside
lock me up inside ya dirty cage
while I'm alone inside my mind

I like to teach you all the rules
I'd get to see them set in stone
I like it when you chain me to the bed
there ya secrets never shone

I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no
I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
So why's it involve...

I love the way you rape my skin
I feel the hate you place inside
I need to get your voice out of my head
Cause I'm the guy you'll never find

I'm faking all of the rules
there's no expressions on your face
I'm hoping some day you will let me go
Release me from my dirty cage

I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no
I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
So why's it involve...you and me..

I love the way you look at me
I love the way you smack my ass
I love the dirty things you do
I have control of you
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no
I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
So why's it involve you and me...

You're not the one for me, no.

Control - Puddle of Mud

The good and the bad

I had another great set last nite at Hyena's. And I realized, again, that I don't really like most of the people I talk to there on a regular basis. Comedy people are never really your friends, I don't know why I expect them to be. But I have a pretty severe case of the 'fuck yous' right now. I'm tired and cranky, etc. No worries, it will pass.

So the good news: They asked me to do a guest set at Hyena's Arlington.
Yay!

The bad news: My car overheated this morning.
Boo!

I'm sure it's fixable, but I have to work and deal with about a million other issues, and we just finished completely moving to the new apartment yesterday and I'm just a little overwhelmed. And I can't find some of my clothes. And my youngest daughter is stressed out and she hates me right now.

The bad news: A doctor, in Kansas, Dr. Tiller, who performed abortions was murdered yesterday, on his way into CHURCH.
Super big BOO!

The good news: A suspect is in custody.

Yeah, that makes sense. "I'm pro-life, so I'm gonna kill this guy."
Is this 2009 or 1959?

It's so hard not to let all the bad news cloud the good.