Madame Ovary

I’m not very religious, you folks probably know that. But I do enjoy doing nice things for people. I don’t think I’ve written about the biggest humanitarian thing I’ve ever done: I donated my eggs. This was many years back – way before there were blogs. Otherwise I’d written about it sooner. I think it was 1997, maybe 98. But here’s the story.

I was working for my favorite women’s organization at the time, so I was feeling empowered. One of my friends, a nurse there, asked if I wanted to go out to a lesbian club with her one weekend. What the hell? Yes, I’m straight - just not narrow. I’ve always had gay friends. So we went out to the club on a Saturday nite. I didn’t get hit on once, much to my dismay. Is it that obvious that I’m not gay?

Continuing on…there was a big bulletin board at the front door, and we stopped to look at the different ads and fliers on our way out. One of them caught my attention. It said: “Lesbian couple seeking kind, generous woman to donate eggs. You will be compensated for your time.”

Hmm. I thought, hey, I’m kind. I’m generous. I’m certainly a woman. So I wrote down the number. When I got to work on Monday, I called, mostly out of curiosity. It was a fertility clinic in the medical center area of Houston. I told them that I’d seen a flier, and that I was interested in getting more information. They promptly made an appointment for me to come in and be interviewed.

When I met with the doctors, they were truly awesome women. They liked me right away. We talked candidly about pretty much everything, and they were thrilled that I was willing to donate eggs to a gay/lesbian couple. Of course, there were lots of other people for them to interview, and ultimately the couple would get to pick who they wanted as their donor. My next steps involved LOTS of paperwork, tons actually, and an essay, written to the potential child who could be born from this donation. Apparently I have a way with words, because they called me just a week later and said I’d been chosen as a donor. It was the essay, I know it was. J

The next two months were crazy. I would not meet the couple receiving the eggs, everything would be kept anonymous. I was sent to a psychiatrist for a series of tests, to make sure that I was mentally fit to be an egg donor. The lady was very sweet, and although I did fine on the tests, she said there was an indication that I took them in a defensive manner. Defensive? Me? Nah. I just thought some of the questions were funny. Such as, “Do you ever feel the need to steal other people’s shoes?” You can’t tell me that’s not funny. Don’t even get me started on the fecal matter questions. Eww.

Once they found out I wasn’t crazy, I came to the clinic weekly, for ultrasounds, blood work and lots of medications. They had to pump up my egg supply so that there would be plenty to harvest. Cool, I sound like a crop. After a few weeks of this, they sent me home with meds that I had to inject myself with daily, morning and night. One in the stomach, one in the leg. I’ve never been a fan of needles. It’s amazing what you’ll do for a good cause. The people at work started calling me “Madame Ovary” and threw me an ‘egg shower’. I loved those people. The best co-workers I ever had are in Houston.

Finally, the big day. Everything was ready. I arrived at the clinic early. The removal procedure would only take about an hour, and I was to be heavily sedated. Yay! When I got there, the doctors presented me with a package from the receiving couple. There was a card, a 2-page handwritten note, and a charm bracelet from James Avery. It was so sweet, I cried. I was overwhelmed with the thought of helping someone in such a huge way. I also received a nice check, but I didn’t even care about the money. That’s not what it was about.

The procedure went well – 19 eggs removed, and an even dozen of them successfully fertilized later. So they had 12 attempts to get pregnant. I’ve since passed the bracelet on to my younger daughter. I never heard how it turned out, never knew if they got pregnant or if I I did in fact help them or not. I like to think that I did. And maybe, just maybe, there’s a little person running around in Houston who looks a lot like me.

So, who’s hungry? I've got plenty of eggs!
Eww. So gross. I know. Peace out.

What I'm thinking about today

Hi folks. No, I haven't written lately. Yes, I'm sorry. Don't be mad, 'kay?

I’m tired today. Haven’t slept well lately.

It finally feels more like winter. Glad to have the cold weather, I much prefer it to the hot humid summers that we get here.

My kids are insane. Luckily, they are cute and funny. Otherwise I would have sold them years ago. It’s been so wonderful to watch them grow up. No, they aren’t quite grown yet, but they are getting closer and closer to being adults. Makes me tear up a bit to recall them when they were small.

Lauran has improved so much over the last two years. She’s doing great in school. I can tolerate her friends. And she finally dumped that loser boyfriend of hers. Don’t get me wrong, he was a nice kid - just an idiot. But I fear she requires a doormat as a boyfriend. She is the "alpha" in all of her relationships. But she could do way better than him. I can’t believe she’ll be 17 in January.

Emily is adorable and funny. I can see big things happening for her. I never thought I could handle one teenage girl, let alone two, but she is amazing. Even at the age of 13, I don’t envision the difficulties I had with her sister happening with her. Well, I hope not anyway. It’s weird, she actually reminds me of a friend of mine from high school.

Chris is so much like his dad, but that’s not a bad thing. He’s not into sports, but he’ll kick your butt on pretty much any video game out there. He loves to draw and he’s good at it. I do my best to encourage his artistic abilities. He’ll be 12 in the spring. Wow. Doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. He is quite cute. I do love my kids.

Evan made a funny short film with some footage of the kids for a class project. It was hilarious! We re-filmed some of the clips yesterday, and I hope the re-edit turns out well. He had help from our friend Bryant, the master of editing. I know nothing about that sort of thing. I don’t have the patience for it.

I haven’t been well lately. I don’t like it. Some days it’s hard to get out of bed. Some days I just sit at my desk, completely unable to focus. I’m prone to crying spells, sometimes for no reason. I used to be a happy person. I used to be fun to be around. What’s happened to me? Whatever it is, I'll beat it. I haven’t been on stage in 2 weeks. I need to perform, that always makes me feel better, if only temporarily.

Have a great week folks. :)

Long weekend

Didn’t get much done over the weekend. Filmed the kids a bit, but they were in a mood and didn’t feel like being on camera.

Thanksgiving was good. My daughter made the desserts, and Dave and Evan helped. By ‘helped’ I mean ‘annoyed’. If she asked for nutmeg, they gave her chili powder. If she wanted a mixing spoon, they would hand her a pie plate. You get the idea. She managed to complete her tasks without injuring either man, much to my surprise. PK had grill duty and stayed out of her way.

We had tons of food, I had lots of wine, the boys had many beers. Wine and turkey. Can you say nap? Yeah. That’s pretty much what we did most of the day. I went the entire day with absolutely no concept of time. It was fabulous. Have pictures, I’ll put them up soon.

Hope you all had a nice holiday.

Turkey Day!

Happy Tuesday! 2 days and counting until my very favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. The time of year when we deal with our family’s crazy quirks and pretend that they don’t annoy us. That awesome day when we grumble about the men watching football while we, the women, are stuck in the kitchen preparing a huge feast. Ahh, holidays. It’s just not a family gathering until someone hurls a turkey leg.

As an only child, Thanksgiving was always a small affair for our family. Just me, mom and dad. After the divorce, just me and mom, or me and dad, depending on who had the biggest fit over me that year. Ahh, memories. Sometimes my dad would drive us (post-divorce and remarried) to Mississippi for the holidays with my grandparents, aunt and uncle. But it was still a relatively small gathering. (Ha! Get it? Relatively? I crack myself up!)

When I got married, I discovered the joys(?) of a big family holiday. My first husband (rest his tortured, drug-ridden soul) had 2 brothers and they each had children. And then there was our daughter and the extended family – friends who just showed up every year, knowing there would be plenty of food. I realized later that they were actually there to buy pot, but that’s another story. As much as I disliked my first husband’s mother, that woman certainly can cook. Sure, she was a drug dealer, but why begrudge her when the turkey was so moist?

I started dating my second husband in November, just two weeks before turkey day. My daughter and I were supposed to make the trip to Mississippi with my dad, but she caught a nasty cold and I didn’t want her to travel. So I was invited to spend thanksgiving with my not-yet husband and his gigantic family. No Pressure. My Thanksgiving just got huge. That was the first time I met his mother. She greeted me with a big hug and a mixing spoon, as if to say, “Welcome to our family, now get to work!” He has 2 brothers and a sister. Brother 1 has 3 kids; Brother 2 had 1 at the time, 2 now; and sis has 4. Counting spouses, cousins and drop-ins, the count was around 25+ people for Thanksgiving dinner. Never had I been to a gathering of this size. It was a little overwhelming.

I became accustomed to the large family holidays. They were a beating a lot of the time, but I adapt easily. After my divorce, my holiday gatherings shrunk down closer to the size I was used to as a child. I guess everything comes full circle eventually. And that’s fine with me.

So this year, there will be me, my kids, my awesome joke-writing man, the two boys and the giant dog who live in my house, and perhaps a friend or two. I never turn anyone away on Thanksgiving. My daughters and I will be cooking. The men will probably be watching sports. And I just know it will be a wonderful day. As long as no one throws any food.

Gobble gobble!

Comfort zone? NO MORE!

You guys won’t believe this. Are you ready?

I actually did 3 clean minutes for the Funniest Mom in America contest last nite.

Damn I’m proud of myself! I didn’t have any alcohol either. I think that was most helpful.

This was so much better than the audition on Sunday. I was a little nervous, but it felt more comfortable being at the Improv. There were about 20 moms there from all over Texas; Tyler, Houston, some place called Hideaway. Most of them had never been on stage before; when they found out I’d been doing this for a few years, they panicked. “Oh, you’re a professional! I shouldn’t even be here!” Yeah, right. If they only knew that I thought I was out of my league! There were a few there who’ve been doing comedy for years. I finally got to meet Miss Vickie. She is one funny lady. I was filling out the forms and looking around at these women thinking, do I even have a shot? The guys at the Improv know me, and I think they were surprised to see me there. Clean material? Jenn? Can she do it? Well, yes, apparently she can.

Initially we were told (via the internet) that everyone would get 7 minutes. That got chopped down to three as soon as we got there. Fine, I can do three. The manager came out and explained how it would work with the light and all. But having never been on stage before, many of the women went way over their three minutes. I don’t think they saw the light, or if they did, they didn’t acknowledge it. The emcee had to remind everyone more than once that 3 minutes was it. (Great job, Justin! We both pulled off clean!)

I went up 10th. It was a good spot for me. The crowd was awesome. It’s so much better to have a real audience rather than a room full of comics. I opened strong and they liked me right away. My only slip was saying ‘bastards’, but I think that’s pretty minor. Ad lib’d a little here and there, had a good closer, felt freaking awesome. Didn’t say ‘fuck’ or ‘blow job’ once. I’m still smiling about it. And I didn’t go over my time. Even if I don’t hear from them, at least I know that I can venture out of my comfort zone and do clean jokes. And do them sober! I’m planning on hitting the Backdoor soon.

Thanks Tommy, Johnny and the other comics who got in touch with me about this thing and told me to do it. I’m really glad I did. And as always, thank you Evan for your constant support and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

Hope you all are having a fab week. Mine just got better.

Edited later today to add...

I forgot to thank Evan for helping me re-write some of my jokes to make them clean, and god knows I don't thank him enough. (insert eye-rolling here)

There ya go, Mr. Man. You got your props. I'm just kidding about the eye rolling. ;)

Keep on smiling...

My roommates are idiots. Enough said.

I’ve decided to do the audition for Nick at Nite’s America’s Funniest Mom contest. Yeah, I know, clean, clean, clean. I think I have 5 clean minutes. Wish me luck. Yikes!

Last nite, I spent the evening at El Centro College with Evan while he taught a class. I sat in the computer lab and tried to download the Coldetown video, but it would only take it in 30 minute increments, and then the damn thing just shut down on me completely. I’m no editor, I tried to tell him that. But it was a cool. I sat thru the last portion of the class he was teaching, and I gave my own evaluation at the end. It went something like this:

1. No singing. Ever. Please.
2. “Whatever” is not a teaching tool. Wait, are YOU a teaching tool?
3. “Blue screen of death” is so 1994.
4. This guy sitting next to me is so high, or are his eyes always that red?
5. Your drawings on the board look sexual. Or maybe it’s just me. I see boobs.

Audition tonite. I’ll report back tomorrow.

It's showbiz, baby.

Good morning and happy Monday to you. I’m at my desk, at the job that I hate so very much, but I won’t let it get to me today. It’s been a few days since I’ve written, so let’s play catch-up. Not to be confused with ketchup, cuz I don’t like that on my fries.

Thursday and Sunday, more script meetings. I finally feel that we’re getting somewhere with it, and I’m pleased with the direction the writing is going in. I’m happy with my contributions. We have two weeks to complete 50 pages. We can do it. Oh yes we can.

The weekend was pretty good, although exhausting. Evan taught classes and helped out with the “Hurricanes are Funny” shows at the club. A bunch of displaced improv folks from New Orleans regrouped in Austin and wrote a sketch comedy about the tragedy of the hurricane. It was ‘R’-rated and I had the kids with me, so I didn’t get to see much of it. He did some voice over stuff and had a few speaking lines. Saturday nite we had dinner with his adopted ‘little sister’, Heather. She’s a sweet college kid who rides a motorcycle really, really fast. She’s braver than I. We had a lovely chat while the boys were taking things out to the car.

Sunday were the auditions for the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. Yikes. What a beating. Stayed up way too late the nite before, and had to get up way too early. Originally Evan was supposed to go with me and keep the children entertained, but he got called to teach a class, so the kids went along with mom and were terribly bored.

Here’s a tip: If you’re nauseatingly nervous, don’t take energy pills to wake yourself up. Bad idea. I shook like a leaf and couldn’t sit still. I really thought I was going to throw up. Does stage fright ever go away?

This was my first comedy audition ever. There were I guess about 30 comics. I expected a lot more. We were told to arrive by 11:00 AM, and we did. Of course, the producer lady didn’t show up until later. It’s showbiz, baby. She finally got there after noon and had us fill out forms. Everything we were told was apparently incorrect. When I initially inquired into the auditions, I was told that callbacks would be the same evening. We found out that no one will actually be contacted until mid-December. That’s fine, no big deal. They were videotaping everyone, each comic would get the light at three minutes, and at that point you had to wrap up whatever you were doing. When the auditions began, we didn’t get introduced individually – they called groups of five and you had to remember who you were after. I went up in the second group. We were the audience for each other, which was ok. I had hoped that we would just be performing for the festival and club people, but I guess it’s better to have an audience of comics than no audience at all.

I made the kids leave the room when I went up. I don’t think the little darlings are ready to hear mommy’s act just yet. Talk about “R” rated and years of therapy! I think it made the comics uncomfortable to have them there, even though the majority of them were clean. My apologies to the comics. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way I want them to. I guess I did ok. There were a couple of comics I didn’t know, so the jokes were new to them. But everyone tells you that you did well, even if you didn’t. I would love for someone to be honest with me, just once. I was so nervous when I went on stage, I think people could tell. I did what I thought were my best three minutes and moved on. We stayed to watch the whole thing. Everyone did well under the circumstances. My personal favorites were the Cooperation Corporation, Raj Sharma with his pope and tsunami jokes, and of course, Corey Sutton, who went did last and kept on going after he got the light. I wonder if he noticed that he did one of his jokes backwards? It was still funny. Bryce Richardson also had what I thought was a really good set. When it was all over, they said thank you, took a group photo of all the comics on stage, and sent us on our way with no feedback.

So my first audition came and went. I lived through it, and I hope I learned a few things. Next weekend we’re filming a short film with my kids. That should be tons of fun. I can’t believe they’re onboard with it, but I think Evan could ask them to do just about anything and they would do it. They dig him.

Have a great week folks!

Open mic - with an audience?

Good morning everyone! We had a really good open mic at the West End last nite. I haven’t seen an audience that size since, well, I’ve never seen an audience that size at an open mic!

A reporter from the Dallas Morning News was there. She and her date stayed for the entire show – 22 comics at 4 minutes each. What a trooper. Their photographer took lots of shots, although I don’t know if any of them will be printed. Rob and I chatted with the her after show. She was very nice and had a great time. I can't wait to see the article!! I'll post it here of course.

I am so excited about the press we’re getting for the club. And it’s so great to have the open mic back! I missed it. I think everyone else did too. Certainly appears that way from the turnout. Even my 16 year old daughter decided to come see the show. She doesn't get to see me 'at work' very often. But I know she really just came to see Corey Sutton. :)

Big thanks to all the comics who came. It was great to see all the regulars, as well as some not-so-regulars. We had one new girl, I liked her and hope to see her again. I thought she was funny.

Can I get a hell yeah and a great big giant “You go girl!” for Beth, the only person who had the balls to dip into a political rant in a roomful of apparent Republicans. Obviously a touchy subject for those old fucks, huh? I heart you chickie. You are awesome. I almost got into a fist fight over you. ;) Fuck them.

Intolerant State

Well, we did it. The state of Texas officially passed a ban on gay marriage, and I am extremely disappointed. Not surprised, of course.

Can a law tell you who to love? Can an amendment to the constitution keep you from wanting to spend your life with someone? How do you legislate matters of the heart?

Being gay doesn’t make you wrong. It doesn’t make you ‘bad’. I have many gay and lesbian friends who I care about very much. It saddens me that they are not entitled to the same rights and benefits that straight couples have; straight couples who can marry, divorce and re-marry at the drop of a hat. Who would it hurt to allow their partners insurance coverage, retirement accounts, the ability to make medical decisions, and, god forbid, the simple recognition that their relationship is legally valid? They are no different than the rest of us. They deserve equal rights and treatment. This push to ban gay marriage wasn’t about right or wrong, it was about how loud the religious right can be. And they’ve never been more loud or more wrong.

You disgust me, Texas. Shame on you.

Dallas Morning News coverage

Bryce just e-mailed me the article from the Dallas Morning News on the contest.


Local amateurs mostly keep 'em laughing

COMEDY REVIEW: Inaugural contest showcases originality 08:31 AM CST on Monday, November 7, 2005By MATT WEITZ / Special Contributor to The Dallas Morning News

"There is perhaps no more off-putting phrase than "local comedian." Anybody who's shown up unaccountably early for an area comedy show featuring a national talent like Dave Chappelle or Pablo Francisco knows what it's like to endure the over-earnest, vaguely desperate "I'm not sayin' my mother-in-law's fat, but ..." hilarity of homegrown openers.

Any consumer so brutalized might well flee shrieking from something like Saturday's finals of the West End Comedy Theatre's Dallas' Funniest Person competition. But the inaugural edition of what is intended to be an annual contest proved that there is a balm – as well as bombs – in Gilead.

Part of the enjoyability of the ultimate round, emceed by Dixon Wiles, came from the exhaustive eliminations that preceded it, winnowing down some 200 amateur hopefuls to five contenders. The finalists managed to be for the most part funny and original, while representing some stand-up paradigms.

There was the Everyman (Tom Davenport) who gamely spoke of the "Special Olympic-size pool": "Everyone gets in, everyone tries, everyone gets a hug."

There was the biracial line-straddler (Justin Ybarra), who riffed on the meanings of the word "ghetto" and posited a father who wouldn't listen to him because he "wasn't my real son."

Brent Dawson was the glowering white guy, wondering why the Baptist Church doesn't just "cut out the middleman and have services at Golden Corral."

Corey Sutton was a slice of the Mitch Hedberg/Steven Wright oddball pie: "It's so hard to buy acid from somebody who's on acid."

Each artist was surprisingly effective, eliciting laughs and occasionally groans. No one, however, was quite as intense as Yarko, a hyperkinetic intersection of Japanese game show host, shoe salesman and five hits of mescaline.

"Ooaaoooaaahh, all the gurrrls looove me; I was walking by, and I heard one say ... 'What a waist!' " he howled, preening obliviously. Yarko had the most compellingly bizarre set of the evening, and it was only fitting that he was the one who emerged triumphant."

Would have been nice if he spelled everyone's name correctly. I gave him a list. Oh well. Nicely done otherwise though.

Contest Winners

Good morning everyone! If you haven't heard, I wanted to announce the winners of the first annual Dallas Funniest Person contest:

3rd place - Brent Dawson
2nd place - Dustin Ybarra
1st place - Brandon Enriquez as Yarko

Congratulations to the winners! It was a great show. Tom Devenport and Corey Sutton also had wonderful sets. The scores were incredibly close. I wish everyone could win.

Many, many thanks to the following people for making this happen:

Doug and Rob at the West End Comedy Theatre, along with all their great staff.
Dixon Wiles for hosting.

And our awesome judges:
Bo & Jim from 92.5 KZPS
Andrea Grimes from the Dallas Observer
Robby Bowen
Chad Cline
Karen Crowell
Chris Dodgen
Richard Schiller
Paul Varghese

Thanks to Bryce Richardson, Ken Mathias and Chris Dodgen for entertaining the audience while votes were tallied. Thanks to Seth Cowles (and FedExKinkos), who is funny and useful.

Special thanks to Evan Ramsay for trophy procurement, much needed assistance and moral support. Someone has to keep me focused, and he does an amazing job at that.

And thanks to all the comics who came out to support, and everyone who participated in the contest. I apologize if I've left someone out here. This was a blast to put on, and I can't wait to do it next year. We had over 150 people in attendance for the finals, we go lots of great press and, of course, the most fabulous comics anywhere! I'm so proud of you guys! And, if I may, a little pat on the back to me for putting this thing together. I rock. Oh yes, I really do. And no, my head is not getting any bigger. I'm just so happy to have been a part of this.

Thanks again everyone! Have a fantastic week, and I'll see you Wednesday!

Another happy day

Happy Friday everyone! Good news: They called to say that my car is fixed. Bad news: It will cost me $750 to get it back. But hey, it’s Friday, it’s a beautiful day, and as my mom always says….Money; you can’t take it with you. No, I can’t, but it sure would be nice if it could just get me there.

Anywho. It’s been a good news kind of day. I just got word that a reporter from the Dallas Morning News will be coming to see the finals tomorrow nite, and will be doing a write-up in the paper! Yay! That’s very exciting. We’ve gotten some good press on the contest, and I can’t wait to do it again next year!

More good news: Evan got his TEA license to teach Comedy Defensive Driving! Yay! I am so freaking happy! Tonite, we celebrate! You bring the wine, I’ll bring the tassels.

Dallas Funniest Person finals tomorrow nite, 9:30 at the West End Comedy Theatre. Tickets are $15, but comics get in for free. Celebrity judges include Bo & Jim from 92.5 KZPS, and Andrea Grimes from the Dallas Observer. Come see the show, it's gonna rock!

Happy happy!

(Do you people ever get the impression that I'm bi-polar?)

Observer Mention

The contest was mentioned in this week's Observer:

Funny Guys
11/5
"It's been awhile since we last tried out our soothsaying powers--our prediction that the Strong Mayor initiative would pass in May booted us out of the fortune-telling biz--but allow us a chance to win our guesswork reputation back. Here goes: The person who will win the Dallas' Funniest Person Amateur Stand-up Competition will be...a man! Easy guess, maybe, since all of the finalists at Saturday's 9:30 p.m. show at the West End Comedy Theatre, 603 Munger Ave., are male. But we also predict that the winner that night will be damn funny, too--especially if he's made it through two rounds of competition already. Tickets are $15. Call 214-880-9990. --Sam Machkovech"

Rock on!

Fun fun fun!

Good morning! My head stopped hurting, I'm still a little nauseous, but I made it through the open mic at the Improv. I think I had a pretty good set. Hard to tell with only 3 minutes, but I got a good response from the audience. So many comics, so little time. They threw in a few pros here and there which I think was a great idea. They kept the audience going. Jason James made a brief appearance. It was good to see him. He said that he's done 2 dry-run tapings for Letterman. How freaking exciting is that?!? I'm thrilled for him, he's on his way. I bet we'll see him on TV in the next few months.

Thanks and hugs to my friends for coming to the show! It was nice to have a table full of people there just for me. I didn't think Evan would make it in time to see my set, but he did, and I was happy. My biggest fan, or my harshest critic? A little from column A, a little from column B. But I appreciate his support, I hope he knows how much.

The finals for the Dallas Funniest Person are this Saturday. Open mic is back at the West End on November 9th.

What do I have going on? Let's see: Kids of course, Evan, work, script writing, holidays are coming. I love winter. Who's a happy girl? That's right. It's me.

Improv Tonite!

Hey folks! The open mic at the Addison Improv happens tonite. I'm freaky nervous and slightly distracted. Had to put my car in the shop yesterday and it's going to take an entire paycheck to cover the repairs. Yay me. But all this funny should pay off eventually, right? Right? Here's the scoop:

Wednesday, November 2nd
Open Mic at the Addison Improv
8:30 PM
Tix: $10.00

Should be tons of great locals, come see the show and support us up-and-comers!