Ringing endorsements...

I'm not a follower of "American Idol", but for some reason I decided to read this article, probably because I saw the word 'scandal' on the link - and I do love a good scandal. The gist of the thing is that some pictures showed up on the internet of some eliminated contestant from the show, and her friend is defending her by saying the pictures are not of her friend but of someone else. Not really a fun scandal, I was hoping for something a bit more intriguing. But I did find a couple of little gems:

"The really bad ones aren't her. I've studied them," Coluccio told The Star-Ledger for Monday's newspapers. "It's not her nose. She's never had (acrylic nail) tips (like the woman in the photo) in her life. She's the least slutty person I know."

Wow. The 'least slutty person'. She's an awesome friend.
So, really slutty girls wear nail tips? Duh. Everyone knows that.
But...hey! I'm wearing nail tips! Dammit!

And this, from a local boy in her hometown:

"It's the way this town is: Everybody knows everything about their friends," said Mark Dillon, 17. "At least half the people in this town have pictures of their friends on the toilet. I've personally seen at least 20. It's only because she's on TV that they're online."

Note to self: When visiting Point Pleasant, New Jersey - always lock the bathroom door.

Hold still while I re-load...

I saw an ad for a dating site when I was logging out of Myspace the other day. It said: “Boyfriend season is just around the corner.”

Great, I thought. I’ll get my gun.
I thought it was still deer season?

Stress Relief

I did something last nite that I haven’t done in 10 years.

I got a massage.

No, guys, not one of those kind of massages. This was the kind where they work on all your muscles, not just one. No ‘happy ending’ for me.

I was a little nervous. Contrary to popular belief, I do not like getting undressed in front of strangers. I requested a female, hoping that I would be more comfortable with someone of my own gender. And I was. She made me feel very relaxed. I can’t say that I had a lucid thought during the entire hour. Everything just seemed to melt away – all my worry and anxiety gone, if only temporarily.

She worked really hard on the various knots in my shoulders – an unfortunate side effect of being large-chested. She managed to work out a good portion of them, although I think many more sessions would be needed to get them all.

The only uncomfortable part was lying on the boys for an hour. Again, the large chest isn’t conducive to that particular position. I never get flat, I just sort of rock back and forth.

When she was done and I got up to get dressed, I was dizzy, my hair was a mess, and I felt like a wet noodle. Ahh. That was awesome. Almost better than sex, except that I had to pay for it.

Valentine...the final chapter

I feel loved. So very loved.

First the flowers. Then a show at the Improv and a trip to his home town. But wait, there’s more! My wonderful man also bought me a new digital camera! Woot! It hasn’t arrived just yet, but as soon as it does I can post a picture of my final gift, which was a shock. He got me the most beautiful sapphire and diamond ring. No, not an engagement ring – not yet, anyway. But I am wearing it on the finger where an engagement ring would be, so it still looks like I’m taken. (Like there's any question, lol.)

The road trip was a lot of fun. Didn’t leave on Friday as originally planned, which was fine really, as it gave me a chance to do some laundry. We got in the car on Saturday morning – well, closer to noon I guess, and headed out of town. The boyfriend made several CD’s for the trip that included some of our favorite songs. We entertained each other during the 6 hour drive. Traffic was crap thru Austin, as it normally is. Arrived in San Antonio after 5:30 PM, then drove the extra half hour to Boerne, where he was born and raised. What an adorable place it is! Lots of little antique and specialty shops. Apparently it’s grown immensely since he left – they now have a Starbuck’s and a homeless guy.

We drove to his old house and past his high school and I videotaped some of the sites. We picked up fossilized rocks from the driveway of his childhood home. On Sunday, we had breakfast at Jim’s, a place where he spent a lot of his late nites back in the day. We ate onion rings and biscuits and gravy. The onion rings were freaking awesome. We drove around the town and he showed me where his dad’s property used to be and told me funny and interesting stories. Then we went to the cemetery and put flowers on his mother’s grave, which made me cry, of course. Finally, we stopped by the bakery where he used to get chocolate thumbprint cookies when he was a kid. They didn’t have any of those, but we did pick up some tasty items. On the way home we stopped at the New Braunfels Smokehouse for some jerky.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. We will definitely go back. I really enjoyed spending lots of uninterrupted time with the man I love, and it made me feel very special that he shared his childhood memories with me.

And I got jewelry!

OH - and my friend Beth is getting married! Apparently it was a Happy V-Day for others as well. Congrats to them!

Valentine, Part Deaux

Yes, the flowers were wonderful, and certainly were enough of a gift. But surprise! My V-day didn’t end on V-day itself.

The CSz show was fun. Men vs. Women, and the men won this year. The catered food was very good and it was a nice evening. But – since we had to spend our Valentine’s Day basically working, the man I love made plans for us on Thursday nite. So, we popped into the Improv last nite to see Jeremy Hotz. That man is hysterical! His stage presence alone is funny. I absolutely loved him. The emcee was Jerry Rocha, who got away before I had a chance to say hello; the feature act was Marvin Michaels who we did get to chat with for a little while. I love seeing these former Dallas comedians doing well for themselves. And aside from the very unfunny ‘guest’ comic from LA, (Shawn something, not even worth remembering his name he was so bad), the show was really good.

And so we’re off this evening for a weekend jaunt – sans work, kids and performing. We’re headed to my beloved’s place of birth, so I can see where he came from. We haven’t been on a road trip together in a very long time, and I’m very much looking forward to it.

And in other news – our douchebag roommate moved out! And took his stinky dog! So now it’s just us, and I couldn’t possibly be happier.

Have a wonderful weekend all!

For posterity...

Aww. My beautiful flowers.

Thanks, honey. I love them.

Tulips are such a wonderful flower. The traditional meaning is a declaration of love. I'd take tulips over roses any day.

(Thanks to Deborah at the office for the photo!)

Valentine

What are our plans for Valentine's Day? Well, thanks for asking! It's the annual Battle of the Sexes at Comedy Sportz. The men vs. the women in a grudge match to beat all grudge matches.

Details can be found at their website:
www.comedysportzdfw.com

Show starts at 8:30 PM. There will be amazing catered food and a cash bar. Reservations are recommended. I'll probably be working at the door.

*************************************************************************************
So I've been quizzing all the men this morning at the office, making sure they took care of their women for Valentine's Day. Jewelry, spa treatments, and a heart shaped arrangement of chocolate kisses were just some of the things mentioned. Aww.

My man is no exception. I received flowers at the office - not just flowers, but tulips, my very favorite. They look so pretty sitting on my desk. I wish I had a camera. I've arranged them in a nearly haphazard fashion in their vase. But they're still quite beautiful, and I was very surprised. I honestly can't remember the last time someone actually sent me flowers. He wasn't forgotten either - I purchased an auto detailing package for his car. It's a guy thing.

Jingly

It's February, and I heard someone today singing "Jingle Bells".

Now I can't get it out of my head.

Misplaced, or Brilliant?

You be the judge. I didn’t make these up, folks. These are/were actual sponsorships. (Slogans are mine.)

The 2004 PGA tour – sponsored by Viagra.
(18 holes takes stamina ya know.)

The Food Network Steak Challenge – sponsored by Weight Watchers
(Hey fatty, you can't have any.)

I Love New York – sponsored by Trojan Condoms
(Cuz dat girls jus naaasty.)

Keep honking. Just keep honking.

I witnessed something I found amusing today.

I was at a stop light. To my left in the turn lane was a small Asian woman in a large black car.

No, no, that’s not the funny part.

She was at least a good car-length behind the car in front of her, and behind her was a snotty looking teeny-bopper in a red sports car, who decided that honking at this woman would somehow get her to move forward – which was completely unnecessary.

The little Asian woman looked in her rearview mirror at the snotty teen, gave her a dismissive wave, and refused to budge. I don’t blame her, it wouldn’t have made any difference in their relative position to the light. The snotty girl honked again and the Asian lady stood her ground. Then the light turned and they got the green arrow. The first car made the turn, but the little Asian lady crept slowly forward until the light changed back to red, forcing the girl behind her, and herself, to wait for the next light. All the while the snotty girl was honking, and waving her arms and yelling at this point. (I could hear her because her windows, and mine, were down.) I found myself laughing out loud. Apparently snotty teen heard me too, because she looked over and gave me an obscene gesture, which made me laugh even harder.

Patience is a virtue, snotty girl. You go, little Asian lady. You go.

Ode to Chivalry

Today, we mourn the loss of Chivalry, a kind and gentle fellow who had nothing but the best of intentions. He was loved by the ladies, yet regarded as a nuisance by many men.

It was not unusual to see him offering kind gestures, such as opening doors, pulling out chairs, or giving up his seat, to ladies and old folks alike. Not because he felt they were weaker, but as a show of respect. He really just wanted to be nice. His actions would put a smile on the face of those who came in contact with him.

On very cold or dreary mornings, you could find him scraping the ice off of his best girl’s vehicle, warming it up for her before she had to leave. He was a wonderful and diligent protector, always steering others away from danger.

He is survived by random acts of kindness, occasionally displayed in public places; and by his very distant cousins, Laziness and Indifference, whom he never much associated with during his life.

He will be missed.

(The preceding is intended as a parody; if you are offended by it in any way, perhaps you are a douche. And probably a man. )

sad

Well, I was going to write something funny today, a sort of obituary to chivalry. But, as I was looking for obituaries for inspirartion (how twisted is that?), I found out that Molly Ivins died.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/01/washington/01ivins.html?ref=obituaries

I met Ms. Ivins briefly at a Planned Parenthood function many years ago. She shook my hand hard and told us how happy she was to be there. I think she was a little tipsy. But her speech was amazing, and she was just such a pleasure to read and listen to.

She was a wonderful voice in this crazy state. I couldn't possibly say anything here that would do her work justice. I am a fan; something she probably took very little stock in. She was funny and precise, and said whatever the hell she wanted to say. I respected her for that. Too many good writers end up being censored for perceived controversy. I'm glad she had a place where she could be herself. (The Texas Observer).

Her slogan, which was posted on billboards in 1982 by the Dallas Times Herald:
"Molly Ivins can't say that, can she?"

Hell yes, she can. And she did.

Here's a quote of hers I particularly liked:

"The poor man who is currently our president has reached such a point of befuddlement that he thinks stem cell research is the same as taking human lives, but that 40,000 dead Iraqi civilians are progress toward democracy," from a July 2006 column urging commentator Bill Moyers to run for president.

Rest well, Molly. And tell Ann I said hello.