A post...a post...my kingdom for a post...

I just realized that it’s been a week since I’ve updated. Yeah, yeah, you’re on pins and needles, holding your breath until I post a new entry, blah blah blah.

Nothing much going on really. Evan did two CSz shows, one Friday and one Saturday, and he was funny as always. He impressed me by taking a scene in a different direction, or at least away from the way it normally would have gone. After Saturday’s show, we stayed to see the stand-up show, The Unusual Suspects. It was really great to see those guys again! It’s been way too long. The group consists of a bunch of my stand-up friends: Shaun Arredondo, Tom Devenport, Brad Myers, Josh Wetherspoon, Johnny Elbow and Bob Zak (who’s also with CSz.) Shaun opened and rocked, he just gets funnier. Bob closed and was absolutely the funniest I’ve ever seen him. In between, Tom had some new jokes that were great, and I still love his old stuff too. Brad was energetic, which is part of what makes him funny. Josh seemed really comfortable on stage and had a great set, and Johnny, well, he’s a little bitter. But that’s ok, we all get that way now and then.

It was a great show, although seeing those guys up there made me a little sad. Ok, it made me a lot sad, because I realize just how much I miss doing that myself. This time last year, I was all over the place. You couldn’t go to an open mic or stand-up show without bumping into me at some point. But, no pity party for me, I have no one to blame but myself. I can make excuses all day long, but the fact remains – I just haven’t done it. The closing down of WECT was really hard on me, I guess I didn’t realize how hard I took it. That was my comedy home for so long, and when it went away, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Other places are so restrictive about what you can and can’t say. So my options are this: Clean it up, or give it up. I’m going with option one. So, I WILL be getting back out there very soon. In fact, I’m in talks with the CSz owners about producing some stand-up shows for them. They seem very excited about it. Hopefully we’ll have dinner one nite this week and start hashing out some dates and details. I wish we had the means to pull off another comedy festival like we had last summer, but there’s just not enough time or money to do it. However, a second annual Dallas Funniest Person contest is a definite possibility. I have a couple of months to get that going, and hopefully the people who didn’t get to participate last year will be on the list this time.

That’s it for me, hope you’re all well and happy and using sunscreen. Not that I care about your health, I just don’t like to look at people who are sunburned.

26 Things you never really wanted to know about me.

I love these blog things. I got this one from Jill’s. I’m not tagging anyone, so don’t be afraid.

A – AVAILABLE: Not in the slightest, and very happy about it.
B – BIRTHDAY: October 17. You don’t need the year.
C – CRUSH: Orange? Don’t mind if I do!
D - DOG'S NAME: The dog that lives in our house is named Sukina. But she’s not my dog. We do have a cat, Herbie, who will only drink water from the bathtub faucet.
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Beth, although pointing that out will probably offend someone who thinks they’re easy to talk to.
F - FAVORITE BAND: R.E.M.
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Bears. The worms remind me my dad’s fishing lures. And taste like them too. Don’t ask.
H - HOMETOWN: Mesquite, TX. Shut up, I know. I got out as fast as I could.
I - INSTRUMENT: Played the viola from 6th to 8th grade. First chair, oh yeah! I should take that up again.
J - JUGGLE: Life? Kids? Work? Yes. Tennis balls or bowling pins? No.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Um, not on purpose. And you can’t prove anything!
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Dallas to Florida, circa 1978.
M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate baby! With chocolate ice cream and chocolate chips and chocolate sprinkles and…well, you get the idea.
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: On my dad’s side: Two half-sisters (one deceased); 1 half brother (should be deceased), From mom: three half-sisters whom I’ve never met and just found out about last summer. In the word’s of the South Park kids: “Dude, that’s pretty fucked up.”
O - ONE WISH: To be happy, genuinely happy, all the time. Getting there.
P - PERSON WHO CALLED ME LAST: My mother.
Q - QUICKIE: Who has time? But ok.
R - REASON TO SMILE: Evan. He always makes me smile.
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: The Jagger Mafia theme song on 105.3
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: Around 7:00 AM, reluctantly. Those muscle relaxers are kicking my ass.
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I suffer from terrible stage fright, even though it’s hard to tell when I’m up there.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Brussel sprouts. A completely worthless vegetable.
W - WORST HABIT: Smoking.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Geez, tons. Chest, neck, back, legs. I’m probably slightly radioactive.
Y - YOUR NUMBER OF FRIENDS ON MYSPACE: 286, and I think I know at least 80 of them.
Z - ZODIAC SIGN : Libra, the coolest sign of all! Beth is a Libra too, which explains her coolness.

Weekend stuff

Well, it was a busy and funny weekend. Evan returned to Comedy Sportz in full force. It was a last minute thing on Friday, as in, "Yeah, I know it's 6 PM but can you be here at 7 cuz we need you." He was awesome and funny and I was so proud to see him up there doing what he loves. It didn't seem like 9 months had passed since his last performance, he jumped right back in there like he'd never left. They asked him to come and do the Saturday show as well. I see where my weekends will be spent from now on. And I'm ok with that.

Now if we can just get my ass back on the stage, all will be well.

My camera sucks, I need a new one that has a zoom.

Here's something random that was really funny...I was sitting outside with Big E's wife and their son, who is all of 13. This homeless guy is walking by and he stops and asks the teen if he has any money. Well, no, of course not, I'm just a kid, he says. The guy walked away in a huff and mumbled, "That's why I hate white people."

That was fun.

Thought for the day

Don't you wish your grass was Emo, so it would cut itself?

New motto and good news.

Beth has assigned me this new motto. I like it.

"Just because I rock, doesn't mean I'm made of stone, baby."

Yeah, that's right. And if I haven't mentioned it lately - Beth is the coolest chick I know, and she's been there for me on occasions when I really needed someone impartial. Thanks for that, it helped more than you know.

Oh, and it's official - Evan is back with Comedy Sportz. Yay! So I know where I'll be spending my weekend nites! But who knows, it may turn out to be a positive thing for us big D comics too. They may be willing to allow us to use the space for a show once in a while, which would be a dream for me. More to come on that issue, and probably not for a while. I may never make it at the Improv. I may never appear at the Backdoor. But the West End has always welcomed me with open, although very gay, arms. Under new management and willing to talk to me. Good news for us both.

Happy Sunday. I'm going to have some wine and play poker with the boys.

Pics and stuff

A couple of pics from the weekend, taken in front of the theatre. Emily doesn't look thrilled, but believe me, she is. Really. Evan and I are happy and goofy as usual.

Oh, and Evan got a haircut. Finally. It's been a year. A YEAR. He pouted the entire time. But the end result was nice. I managed to capture the pout for posterity:

A nite out!

Hey folks. Hope your weekend is going well so far. I haven't had my coffee yet.

My gig on Wednesday was cancelled. I was a bit disappointed, but I'm over it. Eric is booking this thing from out of town and sports bar owners can be a bit flaky. Oh well, another will come along. I've decided to get on the phone today and call every comic I know so I can find out where and when everyone is. I've been out of the loop for far too long.

We went to see a Comedy Sportz show last nite. (www.comedysportzdfw.com) It was great to see those folks again, and even better to be inside the West End Comedy Theatre. (Who am I kidding? It was just great to be out somewhere for a change!) I'm glad the space is being utilized. Damn I miss that place. They've painted it and added a lot of color. It looks great. Not what I would have done with the place, but still, it's nice. (In case you're confused, I was in negotiations to purchase the club when the previous owners moved. It didn't work out for a number of reasons. And I'm not bitter.)

Evan is considering going back to the CSz troupe. I had some issues with that, but overall I would love to see him perform again, and I know he misses it just as much as I miss stand-up. Had they treated him a little better, I wouldn't be opposed; but he's a big boy and it's not my decision. He's so very good at improv, it's a shame to see his talent wasted. And the kids think what he does is amazing. Not that he needs any more brownie points with them. So, he may be performing on a regular basis again soon. We'll find out in a couple of days. And I'll be there, cheering him on at every show like he's always done for me. And if any issues pop up, we'll deal with them when that happens.

We're off to have breakfast with my now married friend Sara. She got married last August, and calls me at least on a weekly basis to tell me how much it sucks to be married. My response? Duh! I prefer shacking up, it's much more fun.

Trying to upload some pics but it's not working. Will try again after breakfast.

I miss the 80's. Oh, and performing.

I was driving home from work today, because that's really the only way for me to get here...but anyway, I heard a song on the radio that I haven't heard in 20 years - Bitchin' Camaro by The Dead Milkmen. Wow. That takes me back. I actually remembered all the words, much to my surprise. Then I started thinking about the bands I was listening to at that time - back when I was a teenager, 17 years old and not a care in the world. Ahh, those were the days. Here's a short list, not in any particular order:

Dead Kennedys
Bauhaus
The Cure
The Judys
Circle Jerks
Butthole Surfers
Black Flag
Subhumans
DRI

Ring any bells? Damn I was cool back then. :)

In other news...my first paying gig in months happens tomorrow nite.
Details? Ok.

Big Daddy's Sports Grill
1649 West Henderson
Cleburne, Texas
9 PM Wednesday

The line-up from what I've gathered includes me, Nick Guerra, Laura Cole, Angela Ice and Flo Hernandez. Hmm. 2 mexican guys and a bunch of white chicks. Should be interesting.

Yay me. :)

Time Flies

No really, it does.

Evan and I met 1 year ago today - June 4th, 2005. I wouldn’t call it an anniversary per se, just a day of note. Due to other distractions in our lives, and a brief “let’s just be friends” hiatus from July to September, we didn’t become an actual ‘couple’ until the fall. I would have preferred sooner, but hey, it all worked out in the end.

We met at the comedy club. Where else would I meet anyone? I was doing a midnite stand-up show, he was working the door. He remembers it differently, says he was bartending. And he very well could have been while the show was happening, I just don’t recall him serving me a drink. I did see him at the bar after the show, and we started chatting. I thought he was adorable. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. We hit it off immediately, and had many things in common. From that moment on, we were together pretty much every day. If we weren’t actually together, we would be on the phone for hours at a time. What a summer we had. He taught me how to play poker; we went to lots of comedy shows; made a trip to Houston; did much joke writing; had many late nites at Waffle House; went swimming at 2 in the morning; went to the park at midnite to swing on the swings; attended a few dozen open mics - he even did his very first stand-up. We wrote together. We created together. He re-wrote many of my jokes and made them better. We met each other’s friends and some family. He was there for several big moments of mine – my first paying gig, winning the weekly Gong Show at Ben’s, my first open mic at the Improv, becoming a show producer for the club, helping me put together and produce many shows AND the first ever Dallas Funniest Person contest, which was a tremendous success. So many great things happened during that time, and I’m glad he could be a part of it all.

We don’t seem to have an official anniversary date. I could count it as the day he put me on his cell phone plan, which was sometime in early October, before my birthday but after Henry Rollins. Or, I could pinpoint it as the day in November when he finally referred to me as his ‘girlfriend’ via blog entry, which was right before Thanksgiving. But, I guess the date doesn’t really matter as much as the intent, and the fact that we’re together now.

The man I love. He’s not perfect; he has his faults, as do I. And we spend plenty of time pointing those out to each other in our oh-so-charming ways. But, all that aside…we do pretty well together. No one makes me laugh like he does. No one builds me up the way he can. No one would go out of their way for me and work so hard to be part of my life like he has. And my kids have never liked anyone who wasn’t their dad. He’s made an amazing impression on them, they adore him, and I think he kinda likes them too. (Funny, I've always referred to them as my 'little dealbreakers'). It all makes me very happy. Why did it take so damn long for us to find each other?

So, Happy “I met you a year ago today, but it’s not actually our anniversary” Day, honey.
12 months, and I’m still smiling.

Much better and still funny.

I feel pretty good today. I think finally getting some sleep after being up for nearly 20 hours did the trick. I was damn near loopy by 1 AM.

Had a most wonderful evening with the boyfriend. He forced me to write last nite, and I'm glad he did because we came up with some great ideas. I haven't felt like writing new stuff for a while. Not sure where my motivation went. I guess I've just been distracted by everything else going on in our lives. It's hard sometimes to go from dating to co-habitating. It makes it all so much more grown-up, and sadly, some of the fun went away in order for duties and responsibilities to be handled. But not all of the fun. Now that we're getting things a bit more sorted out, we'll be less stressed and able to have fun and be silly again. Last nite was a perfect example of that.

We went to our favorite place to write - Waffle House. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Eww. But hey, it's an absolute wealth of comedy, and we can sit there for hours, practically undisturbed, and no one cares. The guy who works the nite shift has known us for about a year now, so he always has our drinks on their way before we get to the table. He knows exactly how many creams I need for my coffee and how many Sweet N Lows Evan needs for his tea. And the customers are funny, although I don't think they know it.

When you tell people that you're a comedian, you get one of two responses: Either they want you to tell them a joke, or they want to tell you one. And rarely are their jokes any good, but you smile and nod and thank them for wanting to assist you in your career. There's this one guy who seems to always be there when we are. He's an older guy, in his 50's, and he really thinks he's funny. Sadly, he's not, but that actually makes him funny. He tells us the most awful jokes, and we laugh. He just doesn't know that we're laughing AT HIM and not so much at the joke. But for some reason, he finds us fascinating.

We sat and went thru all of my notebooks from the past 3 years and pulled out every premise that seemed worth looking over, and managed to create some great new stuff. And, before I knew it, we'd been there for 3 hours. I love nites like that.

Oh, and we do actually eat there too. Last nite we're looking over the menu, and Evan found something he hadn't seen before. Sometimes hanging out with him is exhausting. Here's a glimpse into our little world...

E: Look! For 99 cents, you can get a double waffle.
J: I see that.
E: Well, what is it? Is it a really big waffle?
J: No, honey.
E: Well, is it extra thick or something?
J: No, it's just two waffles.
E: Well that's not a double waffle. Why call it a 'double' waffle?
J: I don't know honey.
E: They should call it an 'extra' waffle!
J: I don't write the menu, dear.
E: Well that's just stupid! If you order a 'double wide' trailer, you get a trailer double the size. They don't give you a second trailer! That doesn't make sense!!
J, to our waiter: He'll have the chicken sandwich.

I was amused.

When we got home, the house was full of people - German girl, two roomies, roomie's girlfriend and our buddy Mike. They were asking about my show next week. German girl is leaving for Seatlle tomorrow so she won't be able to come, but she wanted me to tell some jokes. I was tired, didn't really feel like it, but then I remembered - I have a DVD of a show I did last summer! So we got that out and watched it. I find it hard to watch myself, I don't know what that's about. But it was a good set, one of my best, and there was much laughter. I'm glad I got to share it with them. Roomies have seen me perform, so just Mike and the girls were new to my stuff. I think they were surprised at how funny I was. Sometimes I am too.

Off to get some work done. Meeting with the attorney's rep about the accident this afternoon. Have the weekend free, kids are at their dad's, hoping to have some more quality time with the boyfriend. Maybe write some more stuff. I don't know if I'll have the new stuff down before the Wednesday gig, but it's certainly open-mic worthy until I have it practiced. And Evan wrote a couple of really funny things for himself as well. See? It's not all about me. :)

Thank you for forcing me to write, honey. I know you're probably not reading this, but thanks anyway. Your support means a lot to me.

Y'all have a fantastic weekend.

Fancy Shmancy

Yeah, I could use a laugh today. I got this from a friend via email and thought it was funny.

Are you talking to me? I said, are you talking to ME?

Well, well, well. Roomie came home early from work last nite - something he's been doing a lot since he got a girlfriend, but I digress. And we had it out. Major. I let loose 2 months of frustrations and complaints. So why do I feel like a gigantic bitch? Who cares, that will pass. However, I do feel so much better having partially convinced him how wrong he is for all the bullshit he's put us thru for the last few months.

But, alas, my happiness is short-lived and fades quickly. Once an issue is resolved, another one is always there waiting to pop its ugly little head up in my face to remind that for some reason, the universe doesn't want me to be happy, not even for 5 fucking minutes.

I had an argument with my daughter at 4:30 this morning. Luckily, I'd been up since 3:30 AM, so at least I was awake for it. Apparently I'm mean and selfish and she hates me. Yeah, that's right. I have done everything for that child for the last 17 years, and at this point, I give up. I have been there for her, every minute of every day. We've made it through a suicide attempt and truancy. I have covered for her on many occasions. I've lost jobs because of her. We've been to court, counseling and community service. I've spent countless hours and dollars just to try and give her a decent life, or at least a better one than I had growing up. Maybe she'll see it and appreciate it when she's older, but it's not looking good right now.

If you don't have kids, keep it that way.

If you do, and you have a guilt complex like I do about your child not having a father because he was a loser heroin addict who spent most of his time in jail or in a gutter somewhere shooting up, do the kid a favor and don't try to be both mom and dad. Don't try to be their buddy, or their friend, because it will backfire on you and you'll never know what hit you. Then one day you'll wake up and realize that you've raised an ungrateful, inconsiderate spoiled brat. Yay me.

My horoscope today told me to "rejuvenate my soul".
I don't have the first clue how to go about doing that. I'm not sure I even have a soul. The only proof I have is that the doors open automatically for me at the supermarket.
Thank you, Door!
(Simpson's reference.)

I'm tired and cranky.

I just really want to hit someone or something with all the force I can muster.

I watched "Last Comic Standing" the other nite. Saw some friends on there, which was cool. Paul Varghese, Chris Dodgen, but they spelled his name wrong. But I'm still kicking myself for not auditioning. So few women were there. Women are funny too dammit, why aren't they out there? Beth, I'm looking in your direction. A certain short blonde comic we know (ahem, you know who I'm talking about) made it onto television - I'd say we have a shot. Dammit, we need to get together and write some stuff.

I don't like teenagers.

My hair looks like shit today.

I had very little sleep and my eyes are all red and puffy.

Why is it that at my age, nearly 40, my face still breaks out?

My medical bills and lost work from the accident are well over $5000.00 and I'm pissed. Temp workers don't have health insurance. Ahh, that's nice.

I don't care if the Mavericks win. I really don't.

I'm surrounded by people at work who think Larry the Cable guy is the pinnacle of comedy.

I am writing some new material. Actually, Evan and I have written a couple of new jokes this week. God knows I need to write something. I seem to have a vague memory of a time when I did that a lot.

I need to hit an open mic soon. Gotta practice for my gig next week. And the week is almost gone. Dammit.

Pity party for me today. Boohoo and fuck you. (no, not you.)