Blog Jumping

Have you ever gotten the notion to click on that little thing in the top right corner that says, "Next Blog"? I was curious where it would take me, so I clicked. There are some really interesting people blogging out there. Many of them are written in spanish, or chinese or pig-latin, and me without a translator. But some of them are really cool. I would give you a list of cool ones to check out, but my short attention span has prevented me from remembering any of them specifically.

Go ahead. Click the utton-bay. You know you ant-way oo-tay.

Forced Entry

I'm so inspired by Paul's "Take Your Blog to Work Day" that I feel I should write something today. But I wrote yesterday. A little. A couple of entries. I like to do one every day if I can.

Did the open mic at the Improv last night. All the name-dropping and sucking up still couldn't get me a better spot than dead last. Yay me! I got there late, so that didn't help either, and I waited until the last minute to call and get on the list. Next time I'll be more prepared. By the time I got on stage, the audience had thinned out, and those who stayed were yawning and looking for their keys.

It was a lot of fun though. I don't think I've seen that many comics in one room since my days at the Laff Stop open mics. The comeptition is intense. I don't really know how I did. I went up without a set list, because at this point, if I don't have it memorized I should just give the hell up. There were laughs, I think. I had consumed many vodka drinks by 10:00 PM. I didn't bring anyone. My friends get my funny for free and with no 2 item minimum. I chit-chatted with a few audience members after the fact and I think they said I was funny. Or maybe they called me honey, or said it was too sunny. I don't know.

Our host was a lot of fun. Loved the Kermit impression. Overall, everyone did well. If I had to pick who did the best, in my humble opinion, I would have to say Tom, Johnny and Brad stood out the most to me. Awesome, solid sets. I love it when someone can make me laugh at something I've already heard before. And therein lies the bitch of being a comic - every comic has heard your act before, and they are rarely impressed. You guys did a great job, and so did everyone who got up and did their 3 minutes. Just being there was cool. I hope someone got a picture of me on stage with that fantastic "IMPROV" sign behind me. It could be the last time I'm ever on that stage! Send photos. And cash.

My head hurts. I need a nap. I'm taking the night off tonite to chill. No funny for me this evening. And as much as I'd like to go and get drunk with Jim at the Bar of Soap, I think I'll save that for next week.

Much love.

Snopes, people, Snopes.

I don't like to be a bubble-buster....but.....

Consider this a public service announcement, from me to you. I cannot be the only person who knows about www.snopes.com, can I? Please tell me I'm not.

The urban legend debunkers, the people who research every crazy claim on the internet so we don't have to? If you're unfamiliar with Barbara and friends over at Snopes, do yourself a favor and go check them out. False information need not be propagated.

I don't blame my friends for forwarding things on to me, seriously, and this is not at all a 'dis' of my friends who take these things very seriously. Some of these stories that are going around are heart wrenching, some others will piss you off and send you into action. But if it gets you to react that strongly, it's worth checking into.

So the next time you get an email that's been forwarded 67 million times about how a guy in a ski mask will honk at you if you lock your keys in the car and then run over your toes if you flash your headlights at him, or how Starbuck's is evil and hates our troops and doesn't want them drinking their coffee, make sure it's not listed on Snopes before you send it out to everyone on your list. I'm just saying.

Fun with Macaroni

Another fruitful, comical nite at Scooter's. Weee! Thanks to all the comics who showed up. I know it's rough, but it really wasn't that bad for a change. Beats the hell out of some of the stuff we have to endure.

I was so glad that I wasn't the only female comic there! Wow, two new chicks who tell jokes. Well, one isn't so new, just new to me. She's been doing this for a while. The other one, brand new. It's about time. As much as I love you guys, it's nice to have some estrogen around on occasion, I'm sure you can dig that.

Most of my friends these days seem to be men. I hang out with comics all the time, and that's very cool. But, being one of few women, and at my age, I feel like I've become the Den Mother of the comedians. I'm always there to support you guys, patting you on the back and stroking those egos. I'm glad you value my opinion.....

"Jenn, are you gonna watch my set?"

"Jenn, how did I do? Did you see me? Was I funny?"

"JENN! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!!"

Yes, Seth, you had a wonderful set! I'm so proud of you! Now here's your cookie. Don't chew with your mouth open!

Everyone, let's all give a hand to Corey and Bryce who earned their Act-Out badges today! Yay! Great job!

Ok, boys, it's Craft Time! Today we'll be building a macaroni Rodney Dangerfield. No, Johnny, don't EAT the macaroni! Spit that out!

Nature hike?!? I know what that means, young man. You're a naughty little boy, David.

Where's my Patience badge???

Dear Diary - NOT!

Dear Diary,

I hosted the open mic at Johnny Orleans last night in front of a packed house who loved every comedian they saw! Wow, it was awesome!

Um, wait. No, it wasn't like that at all. Ha!

Good times.
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I use this blog to vent, to gather my thoughts, to amuse myself. I write about the nutty thoughts that go thru my head and such, politics, emotions, my crazy, wonderful kids, and my performance anxiety. Hell, it's cheaper than therapy. At some point I hope to write a book, although I'm still trying to figure out which story in my head would be great on 250 pages.

What I don't use the blog for is a personal diary. You won't read anything pertaining to my current love life, I prefer to keep people guessing in that regard, just keep it to myself. I see so many other blogs about boyfriends and relationships, that have multiple entries like "Men suck, I hate them. Why are they so awful?". I mean, sure, a blog is whatever you want it to be, right? But geez, I could write pages and pages about relationship angst and bad boyfriends. (And I have.) But that's no fun - no one wants to read my whining. I may write here about my girlish emotional instability, or perhaps my general feelings on monogamy or past relationships, but none of it will be person-specific. That sort of personal stuff stays at home with me, in one of my Sponge Bob notebooks, for no one to read but me. And I like it that way. So if you're looking for dirt, tough luck! And no, I'm still not sleeping with Seth. We're just friends. Seriously.
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Open Mic at Scooter's tonite, the Improv tomorrow. Yikes. The Improv. That's a little intimidating for me, but I know I need to go and just do it. If I suck, fine, I'll practice and come back again. If I do well, then maybe that could lead to something really cool. Wish me luck guys.

Next week I'll be filling in for Johnny E. as host at the West End Open Mic on Wednesday. Hope I don't disappoint. Gonna try the Gong Show at Ben's Halfyard on July 9th. (Great job, Laura and Seth!!!) Also, I'll be at the X-tra Ranch on Saturday, August 6th. Oh, and there's the Dallas Comedy Festival in July downtown. I'm sure I'll be running around there somewhere, whether I'm performing or not.

Over 500 hits on the blog now. Wow, I've taken so many hits that pretty soon, I'll be talking like Mike Tyson. Oh, that was bad. So bad. My apologies.

Peace and hugs. I love you guys.

Relgious Freedom???

I'm getting all political up in here today. This from a news story on yahoo:
http://news.yahoo.com

"The US Defense Department, announcing the result of an investigation this month, said that overall US soldiers at the camp handled the Islamic holy book with respect.
But it said military personnel at Guantanamo Bay once kicked the Koran and a copy was sprayed with urine in another incident."

Ok, ok, what? "Overall" they treated the Koran with respect? Kicking it and pissing on it is respectful? I have serious problems with that.

I'm not a terrorist apologist, so don't even go there. If these men were involved in terrorist activities, then we have the right to investigate those allegations. (FYI, those who have reported these acts had been held for FOUR YEARS without charges, and now they've been released from custody after being 'cleared' from the non-charges that put them in there in the first place.) But the fundamentalists in this country are always screaming "persecution" because of their faith. They get all up in arms when kids can't bring bibles to school or say prayers at football games. But if you're a brown-skinned person who doesn't read the bible or believe in Jesus Christ, then your beliefs be damned? We'll just piss all over your faith because what choice do you have but to sit there and take it? It shouldn't matter if they are in prison or here on a freaking work visa. Religous freedom should apply to EVERYONE.

Land of the free, home of the intolerant. Leave their holy book alone and watch where you point that thing.

Oh, and Newsweek - grow some nads.

So I married a heroin addict....

People have often asked me if that is actually true. As a comedian, I will exagerate and, well, occasionally outright lie to get a good joke. Shock value and all. I've been telling jokes about my ex-husband for years. The first, and best joke I ever wrote (in my opinion) was about the man I married when I was 19 years old, who, yes indeed, turned out to be a heroin addict.

That was a fun couple of years, lemme tell ya. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, eh?

He recently passed away at the age of 44. In the end he was a shell of his former self, the effects of many years of drug and alcohol abuse having taken its toll on his body and mind. I attended his memorial service with my oldest daughter, his only child after 5 marriages. Sitting in that room with those people, I realized that they knew a completely different man than the one I was married to. I kept quiet for the most part as my recitations would have been completely out of place.

His friends told stories about fishing trips, barbeques and jam sessions in the garage.

I recalled times of poverty, evictions and prison.

His friends joked about crazy road trips and upset spouses.

I lamented 15 years of missing child support payments and father/daughter activities.

His friends loved him, and knew him as a talented musician and generous man.

My love for him was lost to indifference many years ago, when I couldn't understand why he didn't want to be a father to this wonderful child. The only talent I knew he had was to lie to me about what had become of his entire paycheck and his whereabouts for the previous 5 days.
And he was excellent at that. He could make up some great stories about where the money went. After a while, I just laughed, because the things he would tell me were so outlandish, and he actually thought I believed them.

So here are the only words I spoke at his service:

"David and I were only married for a short time, but those short years made me a stronger person. I can thank him for an amazing daughter, and the best joke I ever wrote."

When asked if I would share the joke, the answer was a firm No.

RIP, David. Apparently, you touched some lives in a positive way.

My daughter is bored.....

Summer vacation is highly overrated. This is an email I received today from my 12-year old daughter, Emily, who has nothing better to do:

"Well, when chickens fly, I'll bounce on metal and land on the moon! But til then I settle for pigs flying and eating stinky cheeze with my invisible cat and my pretty pony! I can't eat it with my lizard, because he gets gas when he eats cheeze. Sleeping in the same room with him after he eats cheeze is about as appealing as playing leap frog with unicorns."

And I thought I was random. Whoa. Comedians shouldn't have children.

Way to make mom contemplate gassy lizards and leaping over unicorns, princess. Yes, I know how you feel about the monarchy, but you're still a princess.

Blog-tacular!

I'm celebrating today - 400 hits on my blog! Woooooo! 400! (Cue the music - Kool and the Gang....)

Now, I've had the blog since February, but I just put the counter on the page about a month ago. That's pretty cool, 400 in 30 days. How many is that per day I wonder? I could do the math, but I'm too hung over.

Thanks for stopping by folks. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Don't forget to click on my links and check out some folks who are soooo gonna be famous real soon.

Coming Soon!

I just purchased my domain, www.jennhoff.com. Watch for some funny shit real soon. I could use some assistance with the production of the site, I'm just a girl after all. What do I know about technology?

I heart cable

I just discovered this new 'on demand' feature on our cable system. Where has this been all my life? And who needs a life when I've got comedy on demand! Wow!

I'm flipping through my options, and lo and behold - Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist. OMG! But wait, it wasn't just any old episode of Dr. Katz, it was the one with Mitch Hedberg! Oh yeah! Haven't seen that one in years. Of course, it just made me realize how much I miss Mitch. Dammit. But wait, there's more: we also got to see a couple of episodes of Upright Citizen's Brigade. Great show, underrated.

I heart cable. And Amy Poehler.

Comedy Critic Review

I am working on my recap of last nite's show, but yadda, yadda, yadda, I'm really tired today, so please check out a review of the show and all the performers here: http://www.comedycritic.com/

Seth, Bryce, Corey - rock on. Great job. Almost makes Scooter's worth it, huh?
Almost.

Thanks to Doug and Rob at the West End for giving us new kids a shot.

Much love,
jenn

Saturday Show Recap

Wow.

I remember now why I wanted to do this comedy thing - because I love to hear a room full of people laugh! And that's exactly what they did last Saturday nite.

My first paying gig. Can you say freaky nervous? Yeah, I knew you could. I had friends who drove up from Houston for this. From Houston! They were there supporting me when I first started doing open mic at the Laff Stop. Thanks for driving in for the show y'all. It meant a lot to me to have you there. I hope you've seen some progression from my first open mics three years ago. Also, thanks to my other friends who came, the local people. I think all of you are pretty much over me doing this whole comedy thing. Thanks for humoring the fat girl.

I took one of my out-of-town buddies to the club early to watch the Comedy Sportz show - (Warning: Incoming Plug), check it out, they were really great: www.comedysportzdfw.com. I haven't the first clue about being an improv person, but it sure is fun to watch.

Our show was packed - I don't recall the final count, but there were very few, if any, empty seats. I stayed out front to greet friends before the show. I don't think I've ever been so nervous in all my life. I've been married, I've given birth, and I've gone to juvenile court with my teenager - none of that compares.

I don't really think I heard any of our emcee's set as I was frantically pacing back stage with the other comics. Seth and I had spent hours the previous nite going over our sets and memorizing everything. I just knew I was gonna go blank. Corey was backstage, writing notes on his hand with a Sharpie. Why didn't I think of that?

I was the first comic to go up. Dixon introduced me and I came to the stage with a roar from the crowd. Damn. That was a cool feeling. Granted, I had about 10 friends there, but for the most part, the larger audience didn't have a clue who I was. The nerves went away after I got a couple of jokes out. They really seemed to be with me. I was so thrilled with their reaction, and my timing and delivery was good. I could have slowed down a bit. Mental notes for next time. And although I HATE to see myself on video, I did review the show with the guys last nite, and it was pretty good.

Much more work to do, many more jokes to write. Thanks for reading.

Fifth Grade Graduation

Ok, so my son, Christopher, 'graduated' from the 5th grade a couple of weeks ago. He wore his "Vote for Pedro" shirt that I got him for his birthday. Too cute. Anywho... maybe it's me, but when I was in school, (yes, I know, it's been a millenia since then), we went from grade to grade without a big fuss, up until the very end. You graduated from high school, and there was little, if any hoopla about going from elementary to junior high to high school. Anyone else remember it that way? Not to diminish the fact that this is a milestone in my son's life. I'm very proud of him. He won the Science award for his class. Such a smart boy. I just think a two hour assembly on a Thursday is completely unnecessary.

I attended the assembly with his dad. We've been divorced now for over 2 years, and we've become really good friends, which is nice. We arrived and got into the line to file into the gym for the 'commencement'. The fifth graders were following the Kindergarten graduation - can you say overkill - so the place was obviously packed with parents, grandparents and siblings. I spotted two seats next to each other and started walking towards them. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this woman wooshes past me and slams her purse down on the seats. I stopped and looked at her, and said, "Um, excuse me, I was about to sit there." She turned to me with this big-toothed smirk and said, "Oh well."

Oh well?
Oh, HELL no.
So I said, "Excuse me. You just took my seats!" She turned her back and ignored me. So I started getting a little loud. I turned to my ex and proclaimed loudly, "DID YOU SEE THAT? CAN YOU BELEIVE SHE JUST DID THAT?" He looked a little embarrassed and tried to shoo me away from the row. I'm still complaining loudly. He's getting more embarrassed. Finally these two ladies in a row further back waved to me and said they would re-arrange so we could sit there. I'm not sure if they were just being nice, or if they were afraid I was gonna go postal, but I gladly accepted the seats. I sat down and could still see the lady who stole my seat, and I was still complaining, loudly, now to the ladies who let us sit down. My ex just shook his head and said, "I can't take you anywhere." To which I responded, "You don't miss me at all, do you?" We had a good laugh.

I still wanted to throw my gum in her hair. He wouldn't let me.

Who needs sleep when you have comedy?

I'm sure no one is biting their nails, waiting for my next post, but here it is nonetheless. I just finished my first two stand-up shows that were not, for the first time, 'open mikes'. Perhaps some of you are dying to hear the details; meanwhile, I was just dying.

Let me start with my sucking up: thank you to my friends who came to the show. I didn't expect anyone to show up for such a late-nite gig, but some of you guys are real troopers, and I appreciate the support. Also thanks to the other comics who participated and had better sets than me. Yeah, thanks for that. (just kidding, you guys rock.) Our headliner, Jason James, did a fantastic set on both nights, and I was honored to share the same stage with him.

For me, Friday night didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

I was very nervous, and several people said they could tell. Never a good sign. We got started late, which is not good, especially when your show is at midnight. I had never been backstage at this club before so I didn't know my way around. When our lovely host, Laura, called my name, I couldn't find the right curtain that led out to the stage, so she had to call me a second time. Way to make a first impression, Jenn.

The audience was minimal, in spite of our flyer-pimping all around the area. (As I was passing them out, I kept thinking of Mitch's line about flyers: "When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away'.") But hey, it was midnight on a Friday. We did what we could. None of my jokes were hitting and I was left dangling after each punchline. It sucks when they don't laugh where they're supposed to. I need to work on my stretching, as well as my reaction to the audience when they don't react the way I expect. I am a work in progress, afterall.

Saturday, however, was much better. I actually found my way to the stage when I was supposed to be there. A good start, no doubt. I went up first, and I felt a lot more prepared. Our audience was much bigger. Many of the folks who came for the improv show stayed to see ours, which was nice. I was comfortable right away with the crowd, and everything hit like it was supposed to. I opened well and closed strong, if I may say so without anyone thinking my head is swelling. Great and positive reaction from the audience, and hopefully I set the tone for the other comics. What a relief. I don't think I could have handled a repeat of the previous night's set. I'm too fragile to take too much disappointment.

So overall, the loss of sleep (and my dinner) were well worth it. Who needs sleep anyway? I'm looking forward to going up this weekend. Thank god for Saturday nites.

How to lose a guy in 10 days? Give me 5.

I thought that was a funny title, so now I suppose I should write something clever to go with it.

I'm bad at relationships. Really bad. My life has been made up of one bad relationship after another. My heart has been crushed, and I've mangled more than a few along the way. My expectations have become very low.

I'm always just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What does that mean anyway? Someone drops a shoe and all is good...until the dreaded "other" shoe drops, then BAM! What happens then? Armageddon? Huh? But what I mean is, I anticipate the bad stuff, the stuff that you don't find out about someone until you've known them for months, then you realize that they aren't as great as you thought. I always know it's coming, it's just a matter of time. Or, you find out that one of you is far more wrapped up in the events than the other and you feel like a jackass, whichever side of that fence you're on. The other shoe. It stinks. I think it's a sneaker.

Often I find myself surprised when I meet a guy and he actually calls me, or wants to hang out with me. Not that I'm repulsive mind you, I’m just not used to that kind of attention, and my crazy girl brain thinks, you know, maybe this isn't a friendly phone call or visit. Maybe this is the, "Jenn, you're a super girl and all, but...." talk. Yeah, if I had a nickel.

It's sad to be this cynical. But I've earned it.

I can't seem to balance things when it comes to relationships. As a Libra, that's very important to me, but terribly elusive. I play one of two roles with guys - needy-clingy girl or aloof-cocky girl. Neither of these have worked, obviously. How to lose a guy in 10 days? Give me 5. Oh, I can get freaky. And not in a good way. I'm a woman, and I will admit that I am an emotional creature. (Find me a woman who isn't.) I can be clingy and needy and stupid. But if I go the opposite route and act as if I don't even care, I appear to be too aloof and stand-offish. Either way, I usually end up running them off. I go from one extreme to the other - either I will do everything for a guy and be so far up his ass that he gets sick to death of me...or...I completely ignore the guy and focus on anything but him. Unfortunately, the guys I date fall into those same two categories - they stalk me or they ignore me.

What about the middle ground? Where's my happy medium, dammit!

Somewhere between 'Asshole' and 'Stalker' is the man for me.

I'm not dellusional, nor optimistic. I guess I'm not a 'half-full' kind of person after all. I'm more of an 'expect the worst, hope for the best' kind of person. I don't have good relationships, I always screw them up, and I gave up on finding my 'soul mate' a long time ago. I don't get wrapped up and emotionally attached. I know better. I've learned my lesson. I tell jokes instead.

Relationships all end badly for me, bad to the point that you might find me crying in a corner, balled up in the fetal position, choking down Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs between sobs, wondering what I ever did to deserve this stabbing pain in my gut that won't seem to go away.

Offer me a tissue, and I might share my snack cakes.

Being single isn't a curse I suppose. It's a choice, with some considerable effort. One of my best friends tells me often that I'm quite a catch. If that's true, I asked him, then why do I keep getting thrown back?