How to lose a guy in 10 days? Give me 5.

I thought that was a funny title, so now I suppose I should write something clever to go with it.

I'm bad at relationships. Really bad. My life has been made up of one bad relationship after another. My heart has been crushed, and I've mangled more than a few along the way. My expectations have become very low.

I'm always just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What does that mean anyway? Someone drops a shoe and all is good...until the dreaded "other" shoe drops, then BAM! What happens then? Armageddon? Huh? But what I mean is, I anticipate the bad stuff, the stuff that you don't find out about someone until you've known them for months, then you realize that they aren't as great as you thought. I always know it's coming, it's just a matter of time. Or, you find out that one of you is far more wrapped up in the events than the other and you feel like a jackass, whichever side of that fence you're on. The other shoe. It stinks. I think it's a sneaker.

Often I find myself surprised when I meet a guy and he actually calls me, or wants to hang out with me. Not that I'm repulsive mind you, I’m just not used to that kind of attention, and my crazy girl brain thinks, you know, maybe this isn't a friendly phone call or visit. Maybe this is the, "Jenn, you're a super girl and all, but...." talk. Yeah, if I had a nickel.

It's sad to be this cynical. But I've earned it.

I can't seem to balance things when it comes to relationships. As a Libra, that's very important to me, but terribly elusive. I play one of two roles with guys - needy-clingy girl or aloof-cocky girl. Neither of these have worked, obviously. How to lose a guy in 10 days? Give me 5. Oh, I can get freaky. And not in a good way. I'm a woman, and I will admit that I am an emotional creature. (Find me a woman who isn't.) I can be clingy and needy and stupid. But if I go the opposite route and act as if I don't even care, I appear to be too aloof and stand-offish. Either way, I usually end up running them off. I go from one extreme to the other - either I will do everything for a guy and be so far up his ass that he gets sick to death of me...or...I completely ignore the guy and focus on anything but him. Unfortunately, the guys I date fall into those same two categories - they stalk me or they ignore me.

What about the middle ground? Where's my happy medium, dammit!

Somewhere between 'Asshole' and 'Stalker' is the man for me.

I'm not dellusional, nor optimistic. I guess I'm not a 'half-full' kind of person after all. I'm more of an 'expect the worst, hope for the best' kind of person. I don't have good relationships, I always screw them up, and I gave up on finding my 'soul mate' a long time ago. I don't get wrapped up and emotionally attached. I know better. I've learned my lesson. I tell jokes instead.

Relationships all end badly for me, bad to the point that you might find me crying in a corner, balled up in the fetal position, choking down Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs between sobs, wondering what I ever did to deserve this stabbing pain in my gut that won't seem to go away.

Offer me a tissue, and I might share my snack cakes.

Being single isn't a curse I suppose. It's a choice, with some considerable effort. One of my best friends tells me often that I'm quite a catch. If that's true, I asked him, then why do I keep getting thrown back?