Funny story....

So I guess I haven't really mentioned what my new job is. It seems every time I blog about a job, it goes bad or goes away, but I wanted to share anyway.

I'm working at an assisted living facility in the physical therapy department. My job is part rehab aide, part admin assistant, part babysitter. lol. But it's really wonderful. The residents here just love me, and I enjoy being a part of their day.

We have one patient, he's a fella in his 90's. He tells everyone that I'm his girlfriend. It's quite adorable. The other day he was in for therapy and he told me a story of his youth, and here it is.

"When I was a boy, my mother never spanked me. But when I did something wrong, she would say, "Come on in the house, son, and get your bible." We would sit together, she'd have me read a chapter, and she would read a chapter. Then I would read another chapter, and she would read a chapter. We would do this for hours.

Sometimes, I wish she would have just beaten my ass."

Ahh, yes. I laughed so hard I nearly fell over.

Dammit.

I miss him. It just hit me today.

I can't freaking believe it, but I actually miss that stupid douchebag.
Geez.

We're not great....

It really does make sense...at least, for me.

Hopefully I didn't offend anyone with my post yesterday. I know that monogamy works for some people, and that's cool. I'm not judging those who like it. It just doesn't, or hasn't, worked for me. Let's talk about that.

I absolutely hate dating. It seems like it would be fun, but people are not honest about themselves in the beginning, and that's really important to me. I've had a lot of bad dates. A LOT.

I've been doing the online dating thing off and on since I first got divorced. I've been on dozens of dates with a variety of different men, and the running theme really seems to be dishonesty. Posting a picture of yourself from 10 years ago? Really? Saying you're 5'5" or 5'7" when you're really 5 feet or less? Really? 'A few extra pounds' in your mind means 50 or more?

REALLY?

I think I deserve better. Not that looks are the most important thing, but let's be honest - it does matter to an extent. I'm not super model, but damn, I am cute. And sexy. And funny. And I just can't seem to find an honest, nice, attractive guy who *gets* me .

Out of all the guys I've met online, I have met a total of TWO decent guys. One really good friend (yes, Curt, I'm talking about you), and one fairly long-term hook-up. That's a pretty crappy ratio, wouldn't you say? Two out of, say, 30?

Not to mention to ones I never actually meet, but who send me ridiculous first-time messages that they obviously feel are appropriate:
"Hi, I'm Bob. I like your rack."
"I'm looking for a wife to take care of my kids."
"Your lips look tasty."
"Wanna f*ck?"

Yes, these are first-time communications.
Yikes.

I give up.

Monogamy is not for me

I've given this a lot of thought, actually, and I have come to the following conclusions.

I cannot be owned.
I cannot be possessed.
And I cannot be with only one man for the rest of my life. Monogamy seems to be a ridiculous proposition to me. How can you find one and only one person to give you everything you need?

Here's an example. We all have friends, right? None of us (except maybe you, Tom Botts, lol) have only one friend. You may have a best friend, but each of us has a variety of friends, who give us different things. I have my very religious, conservative friend. I have my hardcore liberal friends. I have my very cool, eccentric friend. I have party friends. I have serious friends. I have comedy friends. Friends who write and friends who are musicians and friends who sell stocks. But all of them bring something different to the table in our friendship. So why not apply that same philosophy to other relationships?

I know that many people view monogamy in a religious or spiritual way. But I think, and this is my opinion of course, that being married means you're settling. You're conforming to what society, the church, your parents tell you is the right thing to do. You must get married and be faithful and multiply, and that's all there is to it.

But I think there's more.

I tried it. I was married for almost 11 years. But the urge to walk down the aisle has not risen its head in a very long time for me. I like things the way the are. I'm free to see who I choose, when I choose. The guys I date are all very different, in good ways. Each of them has something to offer, but none of them have everything I need.

I'll probably add to this later...

funny

I was checking Myspace earlier, and when I logged out, an ad popped up on the page for a dating site. It said: "Boyfriend season is just around the corner."

Damn. And me without a gun.

Happy on a Monday

I woke up in a really good mood today, in spite of that fact that it's a holiday and I have to work. Don't fret for me. I get to work alone and get caught up on things that I can't get done when everyone is here, so it will be a good day. And since my bosses are the coolest ladies ever, I really don't mind working late or on weekends/holidays. There's just an enormous amount of things to get done.

Had a great set at Hyena's Dallas last nite. I mean it was really, really good. I was quite pleased with myself.

And, I bid farewell last nite to my 'friend' who will be working in another state until December. Sigh. Yeah, he's a douchebag, but we had a lot of fun over the past 5 months. Best of luck to you dear. Don't forget to pack a sweater. I hear it gets cold up north.

I'm off to start my day.

My car

Let's talk about something awesome, shall we?

My car.

I should start keeping a tally of how many people stop and ask me about it, or how many people want to buy it from me.

I LOVE my car. Love it.

Mostly men seem to notice it, but chicks will ask me about it sometimes. When I'm at a stoplight, there's usually someone next to me, waving or giving me a thumbs up, or, sometimes even taking a picture! When I stop to get gas, when I'm at the grocery store, even when I'm at work, people are asking me about it. I never thought I'd get so much attention for having a 40 year old car.

My 1969 Toyota Corona. Yeah. A friend bought me a plastic lime, so I can have a lime with my Corona. It really is a cool freaking car.

I'm taking suggestions on how to paint/decorate it, so let me know what you think.

...and this is why

I've gotten a few questions about my recent lament of not wanting to be a cougar anymore. So here's a very good example of why it's more trouble than it's worth sometimes.

I've been seeing a certain boy for a few months. Nothing serious, of course. He's 27, how serious could we be? He accepted a job in another state and will be leaving soon, and he'll be gone for several months. I was fine with that, but I'd hoped we could still see each other until he left.

We had made plans to attend the Dallas Funniest Person contest at the Improv on May 6th. But on the day of the event, I didn't hear from him, so I didn't go. He blew me off pretty much that whole week, and when I finally reached him, he confessed that he and his previous girlfriend had gotten back together, and he had taken her to see the show. I told him he was an asshole, but it was really no big deal. It's not like we were in a relationship, and it's not necessary for him to lie or avoid me. Just tell me what's up, no worries!

So he says yeah, we can still hang out, but we can't have sex anymore. He and the girlfriend had an 'understanding'.

LMFAO.

Um, ok. That's fine, but what do I need you for if we're not having sex? I mean really, let's be real about the situation. So I came to terms with and accepted the fact that we were done and that I would never see him again.

Last nite, very late, I get a text. He wants to come by. I told him no, I was tired. And then he sends me this text, these exact words:

"I'll let you suck it."

Oh, wow! Really? You'll let me?

Fuck you.

Switching gears...

I think my mid-life crisis is officially over.

Am I better for the experience? Let's just say yes.

I've given up my life of retail sex toy sales in favor of a more grown-up job with normal hours and better pay. Not that recommending the latest in vibrators and condoms wasn't a blast, it certainly was a lot of fun. But we all have those moments - those 'what was I thinking???' moments, and that was one of them.

My living situation is much better. I'm with both of my daughters now. Full circle? I don't know. It's too early on a Saturday morning to wax philosophical. But I like where I am.

And I'm not certain that I want to be a 'cougar' anymore. I've had a lot of fun with these boys, but they really aren't helping me get anywhere or move forward. I mean about as much to them as they do to me. And that's not enough.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there.
My son turns the big 1-5 on Monday. And I still don't look 40. Yay me.