Tidbits

One of the route drivers I work with recognized me from a show I did last year sometime. He said he thought I looked familiar, but he didn’t make the connection until he heard the other guys talking about me doing stand-up. He said he remembered it was a really good show and I was funny. :)

Emily has a new boyfriend, I got to meet him last nite. His name is True. Seriously, that’s his name. And every time she talks about him, I picture Steve Buscemi in “The Wedding Singer” singing that song at the end. “….I know this much is True…”. I miss the 80’s. But I digress....he seems like a nice boy. Kinda short, looks like a Hobbit, real quiet. I think I scared him, which baffles me. I don't think I've ever scared anyone.

I can't believe I'm going to say this - but I'm actually glad to be back at work today. The cold and rain over the weekend really sucked, and not having a car sucks even more, so 4 days off may sound like a great thing to some people, but it was just BORING.

I spent Thursday by myself for the most part. I had dinner at my neighbors' place, then back to mine. Friday my ex brought the kids home early, so there went my date plans. But 'date' came over and spent the evening with us anyway. That was nice.

Saturday and Sunday, some sporadic cleaning, cooking, movie-watching, and assorted video game play. Nothing too exciting to report.

I am happy. That's a good thing.

Say hello to Shithead

In my recent attempts to re-build some bridges that I had inadvertently burned since my prison-like monogamy began, I received this message from a friend. He’s less than forgiving, and I can’t blame him. I’m posting this here to remind me that there is never a good excuse to treat friends that way. He was there for me on many occasions, he was a good friend. And I was a shit. It was much easier for me to ignore all of the people who were right about that douchebag than it was for me to see the truth.

I’m sorry, Jeff. I really am.

"Dude, I oughtta not write back to you. You are a shit head. You are a mean shithead who dumped all friends for that talentless troll. And now that the troll is gone you want to write and expect people to just forget you haven't made even the slightest bit of effort in two years to make any sort of contact what-so-ever? Oh, let me stop what I am doing so I can try and befriend that shithead Jenn all over again just so she can dump on me the instant another man comes along and once again I get to go back to ground zero and start all over again - friendless. Yeah! That's what would make me the happiest. I give all I have (which may not be much but we're talking percentages here) to my friends and I gave it all to you. I actually liked you and cared about you and I wasn't worth a two minute phone call now and again to say "Hi, Jeff. I'm busy and haven't got much time but I just wanted to say I miss you and was thinking about you. Thanks for the great advice you gave me about my man. As always, you are 100% correct and I should listen to you more, but I'm pushing 40 and still have to learn my lessons on my own so you'll have to forgive my romantic follies. Sorry time is short, gotta go but I miss you. Coming to town soon,"?

You shithead. You stupid shithead. You stupid stupid stupid shithead.

Well, my number is still the same. I'm easy enough to find but I gotta warn you...Screw me once and shame on you. Twice...shame on me. You won't get a second chance to fuck up the best friendship the world has to offer so if you write back or call, you better get it right this time."

To tell the truth....

I normally make it a policy not to give money to alleged homeless people standing on the side of the road. Many of them are not homeless, and I hate being lied to (as you've read, lol.) But yesterday I made an exception.

I was waiting for the train, and this little old man was walking around, picking up cigarette butts from the ground. I got on the train and he sat behind me. I reached in my purse, pulled out a cigarette and gave it to him. His eyes lit up like I was Santa Claus and I'd just given him a Christmas gift. We had a little chat, and of course, he asked for money. At first, I told him I didn't have any. But then he told me what he wanted the money for - a beer. So I gave him $2 bucks and thanked him for his honesty. He gave me a hug and told me he would think of me when he drank it. :)

See how far one can get with honesty?
Drink up, homey.

Lies, lies, lies, yeah.

Happy Thursday, bloggies. My back is feeling a bit better, but since I sit all day at work, it's usually pretty stiff by the end of the day. I'm hoping to rest up this weekend.

I was talking to my neighbors last nite - a young couple who I think is just adorable. Unfortunately, they told me some creepy stuff about the ex that didn't really surprise me, but it did add another checkmark to the list of Reasons to Leave Him and Never Look Back. Dear lord. I thought I'd heard it all. Suffice it to say, I know how much better off I am.

I keep remembering little things that he lied to me about. I find it funny now, although I can't believe I actually let them slide at the time. Like the time about a year ago, when I deleted some skank's phone number from his phone - and it magically appeared back in his contact list a few days later. Of course, he had no idea how it got there. Yeah, right, you don't know how you typed the info back into your phone? Just like he had 'no idea' how those dating site profiles were created. That's his story and he's sticking to it, like glue.

Or when I would find things that weren't there before, as if he put them there on purpose, just to fuck with my head. Or when he told me he was having lunch with a guy friend and it was really not a guy at all.

Or when he told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. Well, he's not dead. And I'm pretty certain that he's incapable of love.

Good riddance. I'm very thankful that I finally came to my senses. I deserve better.
Much better.

Ow.

I woke up yesterday morning and couldn't get out of bed. That's a darn scary feeling. My back was messed up, and I was in sooo much pain. Went to the doctor, got some meds, feel fine today.

He said I have Sacroilitis. I told him that sounded like a made-up word, but if it would get me some Vicodin, I'd roll with it.

Fin

All of his stuff is gone, as of yesterday. I thought I would be sad when I opened my closet and saw only my things there.

I was wrong.

It's officially over. And I'm officially relieved.

Clarification and butterflies

Hi-dely ho, Blogorinos. Hope everyone is doing super this fine Friday morning.


So I've had a few people ask why I posted those particular lyrics in my previous entry. Am I still upset about the break up? Am I waffling on my decision to leave him? Am I 'torn' between wanting him gone and wanting him back?


The short answer to all of those questions is...no. I'm absolutely positive that I made the right decision. I know this. How can I be so certain, you may ask?


No butterflies.


OK, Jenn, what the hell does that mean?


Well, I'll tell ya. I am surrounded by things on a daily basis that remind me of him. And when I see those things, I don't get that icky feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm missing something. I don't feel like crying. And I don't get 'butterflies' over those things. (You ladies know what I'm talking about). Butterflies are a sign to me that I'm with the right person. And honestly, I haven't had them for a long time.


When I broke up with my last long-term boyfriend, I was so sick over it. It never felt like it was the right decision, and looking back now, it probably wasn't. Anytime I would see or hear something that reminded me of him, it would make me sad. That lasted for a long, long time. Songs I couldn't listen to, shows I couldn't watch - even the smell of his cologne on some stranger would make me burst into tears. And on the rare occasion that we would talk, the butterflies were still there. (And still are, actually.)

Yet, here we are, a mere 5 weeks after this most recent break-up, and the only signs I see are the ones telling me that this was the right thing to do. There are still things popping up that show me how dishonest he was - not just with me, but with every woman he's been involved with for the past several years. It's been eye-opening, to say the least.

So, if you read the lyrics more carefully, and analyze them just a tad, you'll see what it means: He's not who I thought he was ("Illusion never changed into something real..."), or who I wanted him to be ("You couldn't be that man I adored, you don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart if for, I don't know him anymore".....and "I should have seen what was there, and not some holy light...")

I hope that clears up any confusion. The only thing that's truly 'torn' is a bit of my pride. I'm usually a much better judge of character.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around
And he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care
What your heart is for
I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothings right I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there
and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins And now,
I don't care I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

There's nothin' where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right
I'm torn

Natalie Imbruglia - Torn