Closure

So I feel like I've been in limbo for a few weeks now, just waiting for it all to be truly over.

He still has some things to pick up from the apartment. We're close to being completely independent of each other. Very close.

And although I don't really feel sad at this point, I think I'm anticipating that moment when it really is over, when all of his things are really gone, and I can sit down and have one last good, hard cry over it all.

Pondering

It seems I have a million things to say, yet nothing seems to come out in any kind of decipherable order.


I've had a lot of time to myself these last few weeks. Lots of time to think and ponder and work myself into a tizzy. I am kid-free every other weekend, and I've spent a lot of time cleaning and organizing. I think I actually fear the moment when everything is in its place, because then I won't have anything to keep me busy. Just sit and enjoy the silence I suppose.


Overall things are just fine. But this has been a really big change for me, for all of us. There are some things I'll miss. Sadly, the things I won't miss outweigh the ones I will. If only we'd just stayed friends. That seemed to work for us. Or maybe it didn't. We never were really just friends, in spite of what he told others. We weren't a couple, but we weren't just friends either. I used to call it 'friends with benefits' - but I don't know how beneficial that really was, looking back on it all.

Songs to eat chocolate to

I have PMS and no one to yell at, so the emotional symptoms have manifested themselves into the physical, and I'm in quite a bit of pain today. However, I don't feel overly emotional or angry. Weird. I always thought it was the pain that made me so angry. Hmm. Guess not.

TMI. I know. Sorry.

This is one of my favorite songs of all time, and for some reason it's been stuck in my head. Maybe cuz I saw it on "Scrubs".

I cant get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps it's just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat,
shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
Its time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though theres little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat,
shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I cant get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat,
shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away...

Men at Work - Overkill

Laugh it up

I ventured out to open mic last nite. It's been a couple of months, I haven't been up since August. My buddy Josh is going thru some shitty stuff right now - lost his job and such - so, here's a switch - I decided to cheer HIM up and go with him to open mic! (He needed some major cheering up, I really didn't have a choice.)


I didn't want to go up. I honestly wasn't feeling it at first. We arrived at the pub and the owner immediately comes over and buys us each a drink. He always does that. We look around and realize that we are the only 2 comics currently in the building. Yikes.


We talked and laughed and ate, and people started showing up slowly. He got to emcee, and I had decided that I was going to skip performing. He gave me a hard time about it. I watched a few comics go up and get absolutely no response from the crowd. And then, there was Penny.


Penny was a very intoxicated bar patron who apparently spends a lot of time at this establishment. She asked the gentleman who organizes the open mic if she could go up, and he kindly allowed her to do so. Why, I don't know. But once I saw her up there, I realized that I absolutely had to go up after her.

And I totally rocked the house.

I ranted, I got heckled a little and heckled right back. I was confident. I was 'on'.

And it felt so damn good.

It still amazes me that I can get a crowd's attention when I get up there, after they've completely ignored the first 5 or 6 comics. And seriously, I'm not bragging by any means, it truly does amaze me! I know I'm funny, but there are always those doubts that run around in my head. I'm so sick of second-guessing and doubting myself.

And I did it without getting drunk. I cut myself off at 2 glasses of wine. Yay me!

I am awesome.

Oh, and Emily and I colored our hair. She went blonde, I went kinda burgundy. We are gorgeous.

That's my time.

This house is clean

Well, I did it. It took me all weekend, but somehow I managed to scrub away the smell of despair and self-loathing from my house.

Now it smells like vanilla candles and home-made oatmeal peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I've got baking skills.

I like that smell.

Smells like....I don't need you.

Any candle lovers out there?

If you love candles, do yourself a favor and check out my favorite candle place - Circle E Candles. I ordered some as a birthday gift to myself. Hee-hee. Someone gave me one of their candles as a gift several years ago, and I was hooked. They smell soooo good. Truly amazing.

www.circleecandles.com

What a week.

I am starting my 3-day weekend, yay me! I'm taking off from work on Monday so I can have a 'Me Day'. (No, Beth, I'm not going to the clinic.) I think I deserve a day off.

I have to say that I'm doing tremendously well, all things considered. I didn't expect to feel ok this soon. I guess that speaks volumes.

It's been nice to go a whole week without crying.

Ok, 5 days. But that's still a record.

We still have some loose ends to take care of, and it usually makes me angry to talk to him. Silence really is golden. So when I have to call him to ask him something, it doesn't go well. I've got an attitude, he's got that smarmy, smartass tone in his voice. Blech. Not good.

When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed that there was a towel - his favorite towel - hanging over the fence on my back patio. Hmm. So I ask the mini-teen if she put it there. She says no, and why would she put a towel on the patio?

Dammit. Now I have to call and ask him if he'd been at the apartment without telling me.

It didn't go very well. I asked, he said no, then proceeded to go on one of his ridiculous rants about who knows what, I kinda stopped listening. He seemed genuinely offended that I would accuse him of such a thing. I wasn't accusing, I was just asking, but that's beside the point. He offered his buddies as back-up that he'd been with them all day. Uh-huh. Like they wouldn't lie for you. Whatever. Things got nastier and finally ended on a sour note, and I decided that this was one of his little games to make me think I'm crazy. He is guilty, mystery solved.

I go back into the living room and Emily says, "Um, I forgot. I did put that towel on the porch."

They say it's your birthday....

Yes, it's my birthday. The big 3-9. Geez.

Nothing exciting to report as of yet. I'm working, although I wanted the day off. Had dinner with an old friend from Houston last nite, which was nice. We had Indian. I ate too much. I have no firm plans for the evening, but we'll see what happens.

I'm sure some cake will happen. I like cake.

I'll probably be creating a new blog, for my new life. Stay tuned....

I remember this feeling

I feel GOOD today. I mean, just really, really good.

I didn't wake up angry today. I don't feel anxious, suspicious or sad. I look good. I smell good. I feel good. There are no tears in sight.

The storm kept Emily and I up pretty late, and we both knew we needed to get some sleep, but instead we hung out and talked. She's just the most amazing kid. But even with the limited amount of sleep I had, I was able to hop right out of bed this morning.

I'm smiling. I look pretty cute when I smile.

Almost

Well, he's gone. I decided that letting him stay for the next few weeks was just more than I could handle. His stuff is still here, but he'll be getting it out in the next few days.

I feel ok. I've talked to a lot of people. Got in touch with some old friends, and made some new ones.

I'm...tired.

Yeah, Whatever - Splender

Damned if you do
Fucked if you don't
Damned if you do
What if you won't

You must be aware what you're doing to me
We sunk like a stone on a rock in the sea
We don't have to stay friends
(Not for very long)
We don't have to stay friends
(Just because you're gone)

You get what you want cause you won't let it die

Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever leaves you insecure
Yeah, whatever seems to break you down
Cause I'm out of time
But I'm feeling fine

I spent the weekend away from home, hanging out with people who don't make me angry or sad. We drank wine and watched movies and didn't really talk much about the impending upheaval of my existence. We laughed, I cried sometimes, and listened to people tell me how much better off I will be when this is all said and done. But there were still tears. For what? Failure? Loneliness? Anger? Maybe a bit of all of those mixed together.

But there is much to look forward to, and I will walk away from all of this knowing that it wasn't entirely my fault. Oh, I'm sure I'll get the blame in various conversations, but I can't help what others say or think about me. I'm too old to care about that sort of thing. But still, a little part of me would really like for those people to know what really happened; to know that I'm not a heartless, evil bitch; to know that, in spite of what one person may say, I did give this as much effort as I could. I'm not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be.

Turth be told, this was over a long time ago. But neither of us wanted to admit that.

I've never thought that I asked for too much from my romantic interests. I have very small list of 'deal breakers' - very small indeed. Breaking one is sometimes forgivable, depending on the circumstances. But breaking all of them, well that's just not acceptable. No, not at all.

Sinking in

I'm sad today. This is the first time in 2 years that we've gone 24 hours without speaking to each other. I know I need to start getting used to it.

It probably won't really hit me until he's actually gone; when I open the closet and his clothes are not there. When all traces of him have disappeared. And yes, it's for the best, we know this. But that doesn't mean I won't have some sadness and anxiety over the whole thing.

I just feel sick.

Going thru the stages

It's not like someone died, but something did. A little piece of me.

Dr. Phil says there are 4 stages of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, and Resolution. However, since I think Dr. Phil is a douchebag, I'll take the word of all the other experts out there. The 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

There is no specific time limit to any of these stages - but I feel like I've gone thru them all in 3 days flat.

I want to say thanks to all of you who are sending good thoughts my way. I really do appreciate it. This will be a good thing for me, really. A new start, if you will. Things will be good, I have a lot to look forward to. Don’t cry for me, Argentina.

I have a renewed spirit, a feeling of relief and optimism about the future. I haven’t felt this in a very long time.

I will be sad at times. Things will remind me of him. But I know that this is the best decision I could make – for me, for him, for my family. We truly are not good together. Not good for each other.

Birthday next week - I will definitely be doing something fun. Let me know if you'd like to join me!

"Gaslighting"

Main Entry: gaslight
Part of Speech: v
Definition: To manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity; to subtly drive someone crazy.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and unable to trust his or her own memory and perception. (Definition: Wikipedia)


http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/gaslighting.html

A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.}

Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls "your depression" or "your mood swings," you are in the presence of a gaslighter.

Example 2: If someone insults you or criticizes you, and then pretends it was a joke and asks "Don't you have a sense of humor?", that's gaslighting.

Perception blaming is a common form of gaslighting, and a common technique for evading the consequences of one's actions. Example: "I'm sorry you perceived my words that way; it wasn't my intention." Translation: "You are perceptually defective. Everyone else in the world can read my mind; if you can't, there must be something wrong with you. Or so I'd like you to believe." Unspoken Message: "My intention should change your actions (even though it didn't change mine)."

This presupposes the reasoning "Most people are judged for their actions; but *I* want to be judged for my unseen intentions."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

If you have anyone in your life who does this to you, do yourself a favor and get away from them. This is a twisted and sad pathology. I've lived with it for over 2 years now, and it only gets worse.

And the craziness begins....

I'm going to be a little crazy for a while. I'm just warning whoever is reading this. I am in a very, very bad place and I don't know how long I can take this feeling.

I’m sitting here at my desk, watching everyone walk around, hearing them talk and going about their day. Meanwhile, I’m sick to my stomach, my eyes are swollen from crying for the past two days, and I’ve had about 2 hours of sleep.

But life goes on, right? No one is going to stop what they’re doing and be miserable with me, so why should I feel this way? Why should I let him win?

Things don’t come to a halt just because I’m sad. I’ll be sad for a while, but eventually it won’t hurt anymore. But today it does. It hurts so very much. I feel like I’m somewhere else. My body is here, typing and doing my work, but the rest of me is far, far away. It’s as if everyone around me can’t really see me. They walk past me without looking in my direction, like I’m not even here.

At some point in the future, this won’t matter anymore. I’ll stop asking ‘Why?’ and just accept that things didn’t go the way I wanted them to. But for now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I don’t think anyone would hear me. I’m screaming on the inside. I’m screaming, “Why? Why did you do these things? Why did I stay so long? Why do I feel so stupid, so helpless, so insane?”

Why couldn’t you just love me. Why did you make it so hard. Why wouldn’t you just be honest with me and tell me that you never wanted this. Why did you stay? Because I made it easy? Because you felt sorry for me? Why? Goddammit, why?

I'm living without you
but I know all about you
I have run you down into the ground
Spread disease about you over town

I used to adore you
I couldn't control you
There was nothing that I wouldn't do
To keep myself around and close to you

Do you have an opinion
A mind of your own
I thought you were special
I thought you should know
But I've run out of patience
I couldn't care less

Do you have an opinion
A mind of your own
I thought you were special
I thought you should know

I used to amuse you
But I knew that I'd lose you
Now you're here and begging for a chance
But there's no way in hell I'd take you back

Do you have an opinion
A mind of your own
I thought you were special
I thought you should know
But I've run out of patience
I've run out of comments
I'm tired of the violence
I couldn't care less

Garbage - Special

Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

I did something this week that I have never done before - I took our laundry to a bundle service and had them do it for me. I thought it would be strange to have some stranger washing my unmentionables, so it never occurred to me that this was an incredibly valuable service. But wow, I could get used to this! They washed, they folded, they put things on hangers. It was ready when they said it would be, and nothing was lost or misplaced. I did misjudge how much I dropped off - they charge by the pound - but in the end, it saved me money and at least 3 hours of my time, which was worth it. If they spoke English, it would have been even better, but one should not expect the world for 65 cents per pound.