And the craziness begins....
I'm going to be a little crazy for a while. I'm just warning whoever is reading this. I am in a very, very bad place and I don't know how long I can take this feeling.
I’m sitting here at my desk, watching everyone walk around, hearing them talk and going about their day. Meanwhile, I’m sick to my stomach, my eyes are swollen from crying for the past two days, and I’ve had about 2 hours of sleep.
But life goes on, right? No one is going to stop what they’re doing and be miserable with me, so why should I feel this way? Why should I let him win?
Things don’t come to a halt just because I’m sad. I’ll be sad for a while, but eventually it won’t hurt anymore. But today it does. It hurts so very much. I feel like I’m somewhere else. My body is here, typing and doing my work, but the rest of me is far, far away. It’s as if everyone around me can’t really see me. They walk past me without looking in my direction, like I’m not even here.
At some point in the future, this won’t matter anymore. I’ll stop asking ‘Why?’ and just accept that things didn’t go the way I wanted them to. But for now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I don’t think anyone would hear me. I’m screaming on the inside. I’m screaming, “Why? Why did you do these things? Why did I stay so long? Why do I feel so stupid, so helpless, so insane?”
Why couldn’t you just love me. Why did you make it so hard. Why wouldn’t you just be honest with me and tell me that you never wanted this. Why did you stay? Because I made it easy? Because you felt sorry for me? Why? Goddammit, why?
I’m sitting here at my desk, watching everyone walk around, hearing them talk and going about their day. Meanwhile, I’m sick to my stomach, my eyes are swollen from crying for the past two days, and I’ve had about 2 hours of sleep.
But life goes on, right? No one is going to stop what they’re doing and be miserable with me, so why should I feel this way? Why should I let him win?
Things don’t come to a halt just because I’m sad. I’ll be sad for a while, but eventually it won’t hurt anymore. But today it does. It hurts so very much. I feel like I’m somewhere else. My body is here, typing and doing my work, but the rest of me is far, far away. It’s as if everyone around me can’t really see me. They walk past me without looking in my direction, like I’m not even here.
At some point in the future, this won’t matter anymore. I’ll stop asking ‘Why?’ and just accept that things didn’t go the way I wanted them to. But for now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I don’t think anyone would hear me. I’m screaming on the inside. I’m screaming, “Why? Why did you do these things? Why did I stay so long? Why do I feel so stupid, so helpless, so insane?”
Why couldn’t you just love me. Why did you make it so hard. Why wouldn’t you just be honest with me and tell me that you never wanted this. Why did you stay? Because I made it easy? Because you felt sorry for me? Why? Goddammit, why?
posted by Jenn at
6:15 AM
7 Comments:
Honey - do not cry over spilled jerk. You were second? Screw that - that ugly fat asshole was too lucky to have you. He'll realize one day that you were the best he'd ever get while sitting in his waste of self. You have great kids who love you and friends to support you - what does he have? Let that bum go live his lack of existence - you'll find someone who will love you for the cute crazy thing you are! Cheer up and write a bit about it. Be sure to use his name in the bit.
He sucked you in Jenn, he's good at that, very very good. He knows exactly what he's doing. Knows exactly what to say, and when to say it to get what he wants... and then make it look like it's what YOU want...
I think you are very brave and I totally feel for you - he had a great thing going with you, he will know that too, he's a stupid stupid man!
In 6 months or so you'll be happy, he'll still pop into your mind, but you'll be pleased you've got passed it and you'll love yourself for getting over it.
And you ask why? He did it because he was scared, hurting and selfish, and yes I'm sure it was easier too... I only say that in some sense of certainty because I know that's what I did with Chris. I was horrible, but thought I was doing the 'right' thing...
I hope me posting has helped and not made things worse... cos you are SO much better than what he's made you feel.
Trust me!
bron
x
ps - feel very free to delete this if it's not what you want to read/hear etc.
Jenn,
I don't know what happened, but my heart feels ripped because I care so much about you and hate to see you hurt. Please know you are VERY VERY loved, and I hope your heart becomes healed. Feel free to call or email privately if you need to talk.
Mike asked about you :-) Telling the escorts who don't know you that you are the damn funniest person!!! and simply wonderful - and he is right!
Love,
Larissa
Anonymous, I think I know who you are. :) And thanks. There will be jokes to come.
Larissa, oh how I miss you guys! Thank you for being there, I'll get thru this. Now that I'm free of this anchor, I hope to come for a visit. Oh, and Mike got in touch with me, we're going to have dinner or something soon.
And Bron...I wouldn't think of deleting your message. It actually gave me a bit of validation, which I was in desperate need of. I wish we'd talked sooner. So many lies, so very many lies. I think even now you'd honestly be shocked. But thank you. I mean that.
feel free to vent at me too if you want, I could even join in ;)
I may take you up on that. Be warned. :)
look forward to it ;)
(claws sharpened and at the ready)
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