Last entry for 2009

And I wish I had something interesting or slightly funny to say, but I don't.

The Christmas holiday was nice. I got a new vacuum and a toaster, and I've probably gained somewhere around 15 pounds in the last few months. Ugh.

Sometimes 4 days off in a row is too much. But I'm doing it again this week.

Having some pretty major girlie problems. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say, it's a bit of a miracle that I'm actually at the office today. The pain is enormous and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I'm going to see a specialist next week.

Bron is in town from jolly old England, so I get to hang out with her and Jill and Mr. New Zealand tonite. Fun! I'll be drinking. It should help the pain a bit. And maybe my attitude.

Nothing to report on the man front. Oh, many of them still call or send me messages, but I've temporarily lost interest in men. I haven't had sex in over 3 weeks. That's gotta be some kind of record for me. And I'm not complaining.

I've finally decided what I want to write my book about, so I'm working on that. Yay for new projects! I may be giving up comedy, I haven't decided completely. I'll let you know. It's just not as much fun as it used to be.

Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and let's tear it up in 2010. Yeah.

It's beginning to look a lot like Stupid.

I suppose that's why I'm a comedian. I can usually find funny where there is none, or at least, where there shouldn't be any.

Highlights of this week before Xmas....

* Remember last month, I told you about my friend whose wife said I was 'dead' to him? Well now she has my email address and is sending me some lovely messages. Ahh, a little jealousy and hatred, just in time for the holidays! She's still under the ridiculous impression that I want to steal her husband. Trust me, I don't. I've had a couple, didn't like them much. Why would I want another used one?

* My ex, the King of the Douches, did have a girlfriend. (Funny, I asked him about it and he lied to me and told me he was referring to his new cat. I don't think that man will ever be able to tell anyone the truth about anything. OMG what a fucking moron.) But, the girlfriend, not the cat, dumped him recently, and apparently it was because of - ME.

Are you fucking serious? ME?

Who knew I was such a homewrecker? Especially without having to date or have sex with either of these men. My skills are way madder than ever!

Oh I'm so fucking over all of this.

*Last nite, "I'll let you suck it" called. He never calls just to chit-chat, he calls either 1) To tell me that he's coming to town, or 2) to tell me that he's in town. So, he was in town. He kept hinting around about being bored and having nothing to do, blah blah blah, apparently awaiting an invitation. But I'm so full up on grumpyness and bahhumbugdom that I wasn't in the mood to 'hang out' with him. So he finally asked if he could come over. I sighed and said, "Yeah, but I don't feel like shaving my legs."

That was fine, he said, as he had been masturbating so much that he wasn't quite sure he'd be able to get it up anyway.

TMI.

So we watched a DVD and kept our clothes on. A good decision all the way around.

Merry fucking Christmas, y'all. I'm done. I'm over it. 2010 is gonna rock for me, I just know it.

Of cats and birds of prey

When did I become such a bleeding heart? I guess I always have been, but who knew I would take the death of an animal so hard. I would say that I care more about animals than people, but that wouldn't explain why I do the job that I do, so I suppose I just *care*.

I've been taking care of a semi-stray cat at work. She's absolutely gorgeous, with stunning light blonde and brown colors and a big fluffy tail. I say 'semi-stray' because she looks very well-kept for an outside, homeless cat. I feed her every morning and she mews at me, lets me scratch her head, rubs on my leg, and, on occasion, allows me to pick her up. I put a box outside with old towels in it for her to sleep in on these cold nites. She's very friendly with people, and she's become good buddies with a couple of the residents' weenie dogs, following them on their walks and playing with them. It's all very adorable. I'd very much like to find a home for her, so if you know anyone, let me know. She would make a great pet, and a fabulous Christmas gift!

Yesterday, a large hawk flew into one of the windows at the building and injured himself severely. I made a dozen or so calls, trying to find someone to rescue the poor bird. Do you know how damn hard it is to find an agency that will rescue a wild bird in this town? Well, lemme tell ya, it's damn near impossible. Myself and a couple of other folks contacted every agency we could think of, and finally we were referred to a Wildlife Rescue group. Unfortunately, they are staffed strictly with volunteers, and no one was on hand to come and aid the hawk. We also contacted the City of Dallas animal control. Yeah, that's a good idea. Hmph. I went outside, gave him some water, we put some leaves and things around him to try and keep him warm, but to no avail. By the time some idiot from the city showed up, he was dead. And I felt just awful.

I don't even know what I'll do if I ever encounter a dead person, or have to watch someone die. It killed me to watch that bird suffer.

O.M.G.

Wow. My trend of always expecting the worst of people continues to serve me well.

The Colorado guy is out. We had so much in common, and then he asked me if his hatred of blacks and Jews was a deal breaker.

Um, yes, you racist, ignorant piece of shit. Yes it is.

Sigh.

Had a long talk with the bass player the other day. And I still don't quite know where his head is at. Figures.

I have one final hope in the man department. In addition to immature musicians and men of the Aryan Brotherhood persuasion, I've been chatting with a very nice fellow from San Marcos. So far, he doesn't appear to be married, a bigot, or a complete idiot. But, as always, time will tell. He's more together than the majority of men I encountered on the various dating sites. He's currently working on his Masters in Biology, so at least he's not stupid. He's a few years older than me and all of his kids are grown and off to college. He's quite adorable to boot. That's never a bad thing. But if this one doesn't work, I'm giving up the search for a while and retreating. My white flag is at the ready.

Ugh

I had a dream last nite that I slept with Fred Armisen, of SNL.

Not Johnny Depp. Not Henry Rollins. Nope. Fred Armisen.

Even my dreams aren't very ambitious.

It's been a weird week at work. Two deaths, a beating and public masturbation. Ahh, it's the life at assisted living.

Happy freaking Friday, all. I'll be drinking heavily for the next two days. Peace.

Pardon me?

"Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of this world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me... I'll never be the same." - Incubus

For the love of baby jebus and all that is holy, this has been the strangest week.

Men. Are. Idiots.
I love you guys, I really do, but damn. You're ridiculous.

On Monday, all was wrong with the universe when not only did I lose my favorite boy, but I also discovered that my ex, the King of all Douches, has a girlfriend. Really? HE has a girlfriend? The man who hit me, the man who was emotionally disconnected and detached for 2.5 years, the man who constantly talked to several other women while we were together and told them all that I meant nothing to him?
THAT GUY? Remember him? Yeah.

Now, I have to say, it's not jealousy that is raising its ugly head. It's just - damn - how can someone so undeserving find someone and I'm stuck with no one?

To my daughter's credit, her explanation was thus: He will settle for whatever he can get, and I'm better than that, and I'm holding out for someone wonderful.

My daughter is right. But it's still a little jarring.

In other news of the strange - as mentioned previously, my favorite boy was asking me for advice on the new girl in his life. And I was cool with that. But last nite, the bass player, who is a gignatic idiot, was doing the same.

Oh my god! Ok, you guys, I get it! I mean nothing to you but I'm great for advice and bj's! I freaking get it already!! But I'm not Dr. Phil or Dear Abbey! And let's not forget that I am A GIRL - I'm NOT one of the guys! Seriously.

Thing is, he was just testing his boundaries, and checking to see if I'm still interested. He said something so weird, so stupid, that I laughed for a good half hour - he said that he's more into me now than he was a couple of months ago.

And I explained to him why that is - it's because I'm not into him anymore, so suddenly I'm so much more appealing. He didn't agree. But he's an idiot.

Of course, he didn't want to hear about my recent 'break-up', or mutual parting, whatever you want to call it. He's bothered by the idea that I could possibly have someone else in my life. LOL. He's the one who told me that he would not be at all bothered if I had a boyfriend. I guess he lives under the delusion that I'm just sitting here, waiting for him to nut up and tell me that he really does love me. (And he would have to be sober for me to believe it.)

He is totally in love with me - he's been 'googling' me and looking at my pictures - but he'll never admit how he feels about me, and I told him that all previous offers were off the table. We can be friends, but my appeal would of course decline if I were to be as into him again as I once was.

Idiots. All of you.

I've deleted all of my dating site profiles. But before I did, I connected with this one awesome guy in Colorado. We've been talking a lot, exchanging pics, etc. At least I know someone is thinking about me in a positive way. (Besides you, Curt. lol. Have I mentioned how happy I am for you and Gina? Consider it mentioned again.) He's pretty freaking cool, all around. We seem to have made a really good connection so far, which is weird for me, but I'll take it for now. When or if we ever get to meet is up in the air, but expanding my search outside of my Texas comfort zone can't be that much of a bad thing. Can it?

Coffee?

Me, to my son: "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

My son, to me: "Would you like a glass of piss?"

My kids amuse me.

Oh, it's another day.

Good morning!

In case you all were worried, just want you to know I'm feeling great today. It's a new day. Yeah, I cried a little yesterday, and felt a little silly for it, but I'm over it. Selfish tears, of course. Just for losing something that I've been so comfortable with, not because I think it's the end of the world. (And god knows I wouldn't want him thinking I'm all sad and upset over the whole thing, because I'm seriously not.)

I do bounce back pretty well most of the time.

The thing is, I'm awesome.

I'm adorable and funny and hot, in some opinions, and nice and fun to be with, and some amazing guy will come along and realize these things and not be able to live without me.

This will happen for me. I know it. And it's really about time I thought about things in a long-term sort of way. It's happiness all around, for everyone.

Damn, I'm feeling groovy today, y'all. And thanks for your concern. :)

And then there were none

Good morning, blog fans. Things haven't been going my way lately. I'm sure all will turn around but it's hard to see it from here. I suddenly find myself as close to alone as I've been in a long time.

Last nite, Italian boy told me that he has a girlfriend - or at least what he hopes will turn into a girlfriend. And I have to admit I'm a little sad. Even more than a little, and I feel stupid for it. *

We've been hanging out since September 2008 - that's a long damn time for a booty call. But we always knew that this was never going anywhere, the age thing being a huge factor, and we always just wanted the other person to be happy in the long run.

I just hoped it would be me to find someone first.

I wasn't in love with him. We had a lot of fun together and he was my favorite boy in my, um, repertoire. He always got the best of me, which is why I was always better than a 'real' girlfriend. He never had to deal with my day-to-day drama, my life, my work, my kids, my craziness, and he never had to see me when I had the flu. And I also never had to deal with any of his drama. It was a pretty great thing we had.

He told me all about her. The look in his eyes when he talked about her told me that she is 'the one'. He wanted my advice, my approval, if you will, which sounds a little weird, but he respects my opinion and experience.

I told him not to be an idiot, and not to fuck it up with her.

But he's a man, so of course he's an idiot. They've been friends for several months, and he's fallen for her over time. But here's how stupid he is - because she says they're 'just friends', he actually showed her the text message I sent to him yesterday telling him I wanted to see him. (And that's not exactly what it said, but I'm not sharing the exact wording. Let's just say that it was slightly graphic in its request.)

Why are men so clueless? He said that she was amused, but you know and I know that now I'm the crazy bitch she thinks she's competing with.

But there's no competition here. She's 26 years old. Very much closer to his age, and someone with whom he will have the chance to share a long and wonderful life. Of course, she won't have my amazing skills, and he's a little worried about that, but she's young, she can learn. (I should look into teaching a blow job class. Seriously. But I digress.) And even though I'm sad that I won't get to see him anymore - and I seriously am not going to see him anymore - I am happy for him, and have no regrets.

And no, sweetie. I won't be waiting around for you when or if things don't work out. Because if you do what I told you, it will work out. Trust me. Dont' be stupid.

So good luck, Chris, you adorable, beautiful, amazing 31 year old. You've kept me entertained for a long time and I'm glad for the time we had together. Go get married and have a bunch of cute little babies. And send me pictures, because I bet they'll look just like you. :)

I'll miss you.

(*I'm fine, really. Nothing stupid about being a human, right? And I think it's ok for me to be a girl sometimes. I just don't ever let them see it.)

Man(up)Date

Wow, I am a slacker of some great proportions, eh?

Well, let's see what's happening in Jenn-land this week.

Turkey day was ok. My mother attended Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in 10 years. She's always had to work, but since she retired this year, I forced her to be a part of the festivities. We had the gathering at my oldest daughter's place, and my mom got to see firsthand what a little bitch she can be.

(I'm not saying I don't love my daughter. You faithful readers know that I adore my children. But my firstborn has always been my mother's 'favorite' for some reason, but after seeing her in action, I think she's moved down on that list a notch or two.)

We ate a lot of food. I drank some alcoholic beverages to make it thru the day. All was well.

Ok, so in the man department, let's see what's up.

Had a great first date with this guy I met on the dating site a couple of weeks ago. I totally 'rulesd' him and I thought we might have something. We had a second date the Friday after Thanksgiving. I gave it up. He hasn't called since.

Sigh.

The bass player called me on Saturday morning and told me that he loved me. I told him to snap out of it and stop fucking with my head.

Sigh.

The 27 year old - of "I'll let you suck it" fame, texted me out of the blue on Thanksgiving nite. Yes, I let him come over. Yes, I'm an idiot. Haven't heard from him since either.

Sigh.

Saturday nite I got texts from Mr. New Zealand, who I hadn't heard from in months, and Italian boy, who I was too busy to see. I was having a girl's nite with Jill, which was so much better than meaningless sex with men who don't care anything about me.

We saw "Precious" and I cried for 2 days.

I deleted my profile on the dating site. Found another, set up a profile. Getting about 50 messages a day from unattractive, uninteresting men who just want to see my boobs.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Here's a tip: Don't write a dating site profile when you have PMS. Just sayin'.

My head hurts and I need something that I don't have and I'm not sure what that is.