out of order

I still don't have internet access at home, so I'm taking this opportunity to play catch-up. The last 3 entries are out of order, but you get the idea. :)

Happy New Year and such, a little early, but I probably won't be back online for a week or so. Hope everyone is well and happy and all that jazz.

Weirdest Night....so far

December has been a busy month. It started with my 10-day training period at the new job. I am a now a fountain of knowledge. Go ahead, ask me anything - as long as it pertains to condoms, lubes, vibrators, or fake va-jayjays.

I am truly an expert.
Scary, huh?
Or was I already an expert? Hmm.

So my first nite out of training was an evening shift, by myself. Yikes. I was a little nervous. I knew what to do - thankfully, I take very good notes - but still, I hadn't worked alone, and so many things could go wrong.

It started off pretty slow, but got busy later in the evening. And, as I predicted, things that never came up in training happened that evening, and I did some things incorrectly. Murphy's Law and all. Nothing earth-shattering or job-losing. Just frustrating. I'm the oldest person working in that store, the other girls are half my age. I should be able to handle math and some paperwork!

We have sales goals on each shift, and at 11 PM, I was about $300 short of mine. I was thinking it wasn't going to happen tonite.

And then came the Hummer limo.

A huge, white Hummer limo pulled up in front, and several people came pouring out of it and into my store. There were 2 men, white guys in suits, late 40's; followed closely by 4 Asian women, obviously much younger than the men.

One of the guys comes up to the counter, hands me his gold card and says, "Whatever they want."

Damn.

Yes sir!
I sold those freaks toys, lingerie, lube, you name it.
$350 later, they left the store very happy.

And I felt just a little dirty. Eww. I just sold them all those things and they're gonna have an icky Asian hooker orgy in that limo.
Eww.

I still like the job.

Laws are funny

So I work at an 'adult novelty' store. That's what I'm required by law to say. But actually, I sell sex toys. That's what you're there for. I know it, you know it. It's all good! But we can't call them what they are, we have to refer to them by these made-up names. For example, we don't sell cock rings, we sell 'soap dishes'. And we absolutely do not sell vibrators, but we do sell 'personal massagers.'

And we don't sell dildos. No. We sell cake toppers.
Yes, cake toppers.
What?
If you ask me, that would be a waste of perfectly good cake. If you put a 16 inch double dong on the top of my cake, it would take me at least 20 minutes just to lick off the icing!

A Knight's Tale

All hail, Queen of Caketoppers!
Duchess of Dildos!

Too much?

Ok.

Things have been going well at work. Management has taken a liking to me and my sales have been awesome. I really have a knack for this. They're sending me to other stores to help out and I've pretty much gotten the hang of everything.

They dig me. And I'm having a blast. I'm hoping to move up soon.

I was working the Sunday shift by myself and a chick from Medieval Times came in. She was super cool and we started chit-chatting. She had to leave for work, but said she would come back later with her boyfriend - who just happens to be one of the knights. Rawwwrrrr.

They came in about an hour before close. It was slow so I had a chance to talk to them at length. She had mentioned that he wanted to do stand-up, so I asked him about that. Turns out he's done stand-up, and knows a lot of people that I know. Weird, huh? We talked about open mics and where we've been. He mentioned McCarty's, and what an awful crowd it was. I usually did pretty well when I was there. I have a way of getting people's attention. Suddenly, he said, "Hey! You're the chick with the glass of wine and that joke about your vibrator! You're hilarious!"

Ahh. And instant bond. Tis a small world, eh?

All hail, Queen of Caketoppers!

(And if you happen to see JT at an open mic, challenge him to a joust!)

Hey, psst, over here....

Hey guys and gals. I am sorry I've been out of touch. I'll give you a brief run down. Lost my job. Then my apartment. Got a new job. Staying with a friend. I'm off Zoloft, and I'm starting to feel feelings again. Yikes.

I have a lot of highs and lows, don't I? Ha! I'm on a borrowed high right now because I am enjoying my new job. Which I would love to tell you about. According to my ex, it suits me. I'm working for an 'adult novelty' store. Oh yes, sex is recession proof, folks. And I am loving it. I feel like I'm helping people. And although some of my more conservative buddies would probably not approve, it is a job, and we all know how great with people I am. I've seen crazy stuff these last couple of weeks. Look for a new weekly feature, "The weirdest thing I sold this week". Coming soon. ;)

Still officially single, though I'd never be accused of being lonely.
Kids are good.
No one else has died recently.
I've lost a few more pounds. Probably stress-related, but no worries.
KA TE PAI - pronounced, kay-ta-pie - that's Maori for 'it's all good'. Learned that from a bloke from New Zealand. :) Crazy Kiwi he is.

Life is good. Could be better, could be a hell of a lot worse. :)