I heard it was bad to eat cookie dough for dinner.

So I switched to brownie dough.

Yeah.

I'm a wreck.

Where I'm at today...

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories
You're not half the man you'd like to be

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

Don't explain yourself 'cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see

I've heard it all before

"Sorry" - Madonna

Angst

Life is cruel when you’re a 14 year old girl.

My wonderful, adorable, funky-cool (if a bit emo) daughter had her first big break-up yesterday. She called me during lunch, sobbing. He did it over the phone. Wuss. Five months is like an eternity when you’re that age. I think we figured it out to be 14 dog years, or something like that. I was very sad for her. I haven’t heard her cry like that in a long time.

Nothing I can say would really offer her any comfort. I feel her pain and I’ve been there, more than once, but telling her this won’t be the last time this happens and that boys are icky and mean until they grow up (and sometimes they never grow out of their icky mean-ness) just didn’t seem productive. So instead, I picked her up and took her to the store, where we bought cookie dough and ice cream and various other forms of junk food. We went to my house and ate these things while I told her about my worst 2 break-ups when I was her age. We watched funny stuff on TV – she specifically asked for nothing with a ‘happy ending’ (she’s so emo, lol.) Evan made her laugh as he always does, and I told her how great and awesome she is and that sure, it hurts today, but tomorrow it will be a little better, and a little better the day after that.

And I told her to take him off her Myspace top friends. Immediately.

On a happy note....By the time the news of her single status had made it around her school yesterday, three guys approached her and threw their hats into the ring. There’s always a silver lining. Sometimes it’s just covered in crap.

Here's my old-school emo contribution, that is appropriate after reading some of her poetry. Haven't we all felt like this at one time or another?

"To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me..."

"At Seventeen", Janis Ian

Smart Funny

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was amusing. I only took the ones that were my favorites:


Here are the winners of the Washington Post's* Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, showslittle sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.


(*I could not verify whether or not the Washington Post actually runs this contest each year. Snopes.com didn't have any info, but the words are funny anyway.)

Monday Monday

Hello, bloggies. I am very sleepy but I will try and give you a brief update.

Nothing is going on.

There.

Ok, I'll give a little more.

I haven't been feeling well, which really put me into a funk. There's been a nasty bug making its way around the office. I'd like to believe that I was not the carrier, but I was asked to go home on Friday morning to avoid spreading any icky germs. No work and no pay makes Jenn a grumpy girl. I slept most of the day and stayed home while Evan went to Comedy Sportz that nite. And of course I got a call from my new buddy, Sabrina, wanting to know why I wasn't there. Darn the luck. I'm sorry I missed her. She's groovy.

Saturday I made a feeble attempt to straighten up the house. I did manage to get some laundry folded and clear out the leftover remnants of 'things my daughter didn't want to take with her when she moved'. What a strange mish mash of items. Some odd pieces of furniture and a lot of shoes, most with no match. She's odd.

That nite we went to McCarty's for a friend's birthday party. I wasn't thrilled about going, but I promised her months ago that I'd show up and be funny, so I did, and I was. Every time Evan left me alone at the bar, even for a few minutes, some guy would come over and hit on me. I find it hilarious. He was not as amused as I. But the nerve of these men, I mean really! There I was, obviously with someone, with a ring on my left hand to boot, and when he gets up to go to the bathroom, they think "Here's my chance!" ??? What the hell? I skillfully shooed them away, cuz no one can compare to my funny, lovable sloth, and he knows that.

Sunday, finally feeling better, I went to see The Teen's new apartment. She moved into a bigger place and I'm a little jealous, it's very cute. And clean. And smells like fresh paint. Took them to lunch, then headed home. Stayed up way too late playing WoW. That was pretty much my weekend.

Now, let's talk about comedy. Open Mic at McCarty's has been great. It's been so long, I wasn't sure if I still had 'it'. But apparently I do. I got a great response from the crowd both nites, and it felt really good to be back on the stage. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. Looks like this will be a regular Tuesday nite thing for me. Come hang out with us. I promise you'll laugh at least once.

Guess what?

I'm still funny.

If you don't believe me, come see for yourself next Tuesday.
Yeah. That'll show ya.

Happy Easter!

What's so funny?

Hello, blog groupies.

Wow. I haven’t written in a while. Remember when my life was exciting? No? Me neither.

Some more of my co-workers have started reading here, and I just wanted to say Welcome to my little world. They’ve been working very hard at the pilot store for the last few weeks, and apparently this has been a source of amusement for them during their sleepless all-niters. (Note to self: Everything seems funny when you don’t get any sleep.)

What I’ve learned so far: I’ve now made them self-conscious about coffee and bathroom visits. Sorry about that guys.

So what’s happening – oh, last Tuesday I ventured out to my first open mic in over 8 months – and I sat in the corner like a scared lump. I know, I know. What a waste. It was great to see so many familiar faces (Paul, Shaun, Seth, I miss you guys!!!!). They kept asking me to go up, but I knew I wasn’t prepared. I told them I didn’t remember any of my jokes. Their response? “We remember them! Here, we’ll write you a set list!”

Funny. They have heard them enough times to have them memorized.

My friend Josh, who I met at the Comedy Sportz classes last year, has finally moved up to Dallas, so he and I will be hitting the open mics as much as possible. We spent last Thursday evening going over his material. I have a feeling he’s going to do very well here.

So, for anyone who's the slightest bit interested in seeing me tell jokes, I'll be at McCarty's Tavern in Richardson on Tuesday nites at 9 PM.

Also, the auditions for the next season of Last Comic Standing were held Friday in San Antonio. No, I didn’t go. I never have made it to one of those auditions. Of all the Dallas comics who tried out, 3 were asked back for the showcase, which is pretty cool. But unfortunately, none of them were taken to the next round. Better luck next year, guys. Hopefully, I’ll be standing in line with you then.

Other than that, not much is happening. Kids are doing well. We’re in the final stretch of the school year. House is a mess. Still. I’m tempted to just call a maid service. I kinda miss the Teenager living there now, because she used to help me clean. My son turns 13 next month. Thirteen? Really? Wow. Time really does fly.