Blockage.

(edit: I wrote this back in April. Then I took it down. But since he doesn't read my blog, I put it back up, because none of this has changed.)

Dear Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless,

I could never say this to you in person, even though we’ve gotten pretty close. And we have gotten close. You know who you are. And I just need to write this. I doubt I’ll leave it up here.

We’ve been doing this hanging out, being ‘friends’ thing for a long time now. I was pretty crazy about you back when we first met, that was well over a year ago now. I guess you probably knew how much I liked you then, although I never told you. We didn’t start off as friends. We had a lot of fun at first, until you told me that I was too old for you and that you really wanted to find someone your own age. That hurt a little. Ok, maybe a lot. You knew how old I was that first night you met me, but I understood. Well, maybe not so much understood, as dealt with it, accepted it. What else was I supposed to do? So we’ve gone back and forth all this time. Yes, we’ll sleep together, no we won’t. Yes, we’re just friends again, no we’re not.

You’re an idiot.

You know you’re not the only guy in my life. But you’re the only one I actually care about. You’ve always been my favorite. I love your sense of humor, your talent, your personality, your smile, and the sex we’ve had is amazing. I love that you make me laugh. I love all the crazy shit we do. I love every minute we spend together. I don’t get easily attached to men. They come and go, and I’m used to that. These other guys mean nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. But something keeps you coming back. And something keeps letting me let you come back.

I’m an idiot.

I put my foot down and said we’re back in the ‘friend zone’ recently, and I meant it. No more sleeping together because that’s not what friends do. I thought I meant it. Until last nite, I thought I was fine with just being your buddy, your pal, your friend. But I’ll be damned, I found myself feeling, what was that, jealousy? When that woman was hitting on you. I didn’t think I had that in me – for you or for anyone! I was jealous! What the hell? I don’t have feelings for guys! Never! I use them as playthings and rarely give them a second thought, and that has suited me just fine. But I was actually jealous. Territorial even! And the woman had the nerve to ask me if you were ‘my man’ when I told her to remove herself from my seat next to you. Hmm. I didn’t know how to answer that, so I said, “Right now, yes he is.” My other friend thought it was amusing, said I was being a little ‘possessive’. Did you see it? You must have noticed. I’ve never thought of it that way. But what you don’t know is that he noticed also, that you were the same way with me. I don’t know if possessive is the right word, but it’s obvious that we care about each other, obvious to other people. Protective, maybe? Yeah, of course. We’re friends, right?

You’ve never seen me cry. You’ve never seen me angry. You always get me at my best. We’ve never had an argument or a fight or said an unkind word to each other. We always have fun, no matter what we’re doing. My kids dig you. You don’t judge me, nor I you. We know so much about each other. And after last nite I realize that, the more time we spend together, the harder it is for me to just be your friend. You’re so hung up on our age difference, and I get that, I suppose. But it’s not my fault, and I’m tired of feeling bad about it. I’m done having kids, and you have high hopes of settling down someday and having a family. I get that too. I really do. So why spend all your time with me? Because I’m awesome, of course. But not permanent.

I know you care about me in some way. We’ve had some moments. I remember them all. I remember everything you’ve ever said to me, and every minute we’ve spent together, with few exceptions.

I haven’t been truly in love with anyone in years, and I refuse to let myself fall for anyone. And yet, there’s a little piece of me that loves you, in some way. There, I said it. You’re special to me, you always have been, and no matter how much I try to hide it, I have these feelings for you that just won’t go away.

Holy crap, Jenn has feelings!

I’m just not sure I can do this with you anymore. But if having you as a friend is the only way I can keep you around, then I’ll deal with it. And it’s a shame you won’t nut up and admit that you feel the same way about me.

Funny that you’ll never know, because you won't read this, and there’s no possible way in hell I could say these things to you, Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless.

The long, hot summer

Hola, mi amigos. Que pasa?

No, I really didn't learn to speak Spanish in the last couple of months. Fooled ya, huh? ha.

So I'm sitting at Cafe Brazil, sucking up the free wi-fi. My younger daughter called to say she's mad that I didn't take her with me. (The Princess turned 18 at the end of August, I didn't realize we still had to clear everything with each other.) In my defense, she was still asleep when I left. My oldest daughter just called and asked if I would take her shopping. And here I was, thinking I had a day to myself. Silly Jenn. Not that I mind spending time with my kids. I adore them, you all know that. And they are growing up to be such amazing people.

I do have far too much time to myself these days, having been fired from the one job I actually liked in the past 5 years. That happened in July - on my mother's birthday, to be exact. I really do miss that job. But I had this thought that I would do some writing and perhaps accomplish some things that I hadn't had time to do. Yeah, that hasn't so much happened. The summer has been busy, but not terribly profitable.

I started cleaning houses for money. Apparently, I'm really good at 3 things: Telling jokes, giving head, and cleaning. If I could just get paid for telling jokes. (I've made less than $100 since July doing comedy.) Oh, and I don't get paid for the other. That would be wrong. And illegal. But I am a cleaning fiend, so if you're in need of a housekeeper who speaks English and doesn't steal, I'm the woman for you!

I managed to make it through this summer and its 29 days of temps over 100 degrees without a working A/C in my car. The Honda Element. Hmph. More like the Heating Element. Maybe I can afford it by winter time.

Love life, let's see. No change, really. I met a guy who is terribly nice and smart. He's also nerdy and strange and far too pragmatic for Jenn. I don't see a future in it. And I just can't seem to give Jason up just yet. Since he moved back to town, we've been seeing each other pretty much weekly. We get something from each other, something we both need, but I can't exactly explain what that is. He slept with one of my friends, and I thought we were done. It's not that we're a couple, by any means, but dude, if you're gonna screw some other chick, make it someone who I don't know. Is that too much to ask? I was really upset with him, but I got over it. The term "dangerously charming" comes to mind. He actually used the "L" word - but it doesn't count, since we were drinking. But we have a certain comfort with each other, and we have amazing sex. Is that so wrong? We will never be a couple, I'm too old for him, he wants to have babies, blah blah blah. But we'll keep doing what we do until one of us finds something more permanent. I hope it's me first. ha.

Tornadoes yesterday. Clouds today. Big cleaning job tomorrow. No shows until September 21. I suppose that's a good enough update, for now.

Still alive and kicking. Kicking so hard.

I can't believe I haven't blogged anything since April. Two months? Really, Jenn? WTF?

I've changed my settings so that only a few people can read this now. So now it's more like a diary than a public display of my antics. Which is fine, I suppose.

I'm doing well, nothing major to report. I just felt the need to write something and fill some space.

I met a guy who seemed like he would be a good long-term option. Trouble is, he just doesn't have much time for me. Between working nites and taking care of his ailing older sister during the day, he's only able to squeeze me in once every couple of weeks. Not sure that's going to work for me in the long run. We went out for a month before having sex - and it's now been about a month since that happened. I was trying to hold out, to be nice and just save it for him - but we all know that I don't roll that way. In my own sociological experiment, I've ascertained that I'm a much happier person when I'm having sex fairly often, and a pretty sad, depressed gal when I'm not doing it at all. And as we know, monogamy has never been my strong suit. So I broke a 'rule' and slept with one of my favorites, even though we've been in the 'friend zone' for 3 months. Yadda yadda yadda, I feel much better.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to maintain anything monogamous. Unless it's with someone who puts out every day. Sadly, guys my age aren't able to do that anymore, and the younger guys will eventually leave me and find someone their own age who can give them babies. Sigh. What's a cougar to do?

I never really do dump anyone. The Very Good Looking Ted is still around. Italian boy usually checks in monthly. Jason, of course, we still hang out, and he's not only my favorite, but also my favorite person to break rules with, and the Bass Player is coming to Dallas this week. None of them ever really go away, do they?

Hope you're all doing fab. It's early, I'm off to work shortly.

To Kill a Uterus

First, you start with an ungodly perky staff at 8 in the morning. Obviously, they got to have coffee, and I was a little envious of that. No tall non-fat light whip Cinnamon Dulce Latte for Jenn today, oh no sir. I couldn't even have a cup of ice cubes, but the perklets sipped happily upon their Starbucks while I undressed from the waist down.

"Well how are you feeling today, Jennifer? You are our only patient this morning, so we're all going to take good care of you!" chirped the blonde with the annoyingly sweet disposition. She told me I was going to be Queen for the Day. Yeah, so where's my fucking tiara?

The procedure is called a Hypothermal Ablation, (yes, I included a link to totally gross you out.), which is an alternative to a hysterectomy. The recovery time is much faster and you can have it done on an outpatient basis, which is what I did. I was in by 9, out by 10:30.

They put you under anesthesia for the procedure, and as I was drifting off I think I was having a conversation with the anesthesiologist about South Park, though I couldn't be certain.

When it was done, another perky lady helped me off the table and into a wheelchair, saying something about dance moves, I'm not sure, I was still coming out of the anesthesia. I had a gnarly caffeine headache, but it went away when I took my Vicodin.

BFF Jill brought me back to her house and I threw up as soon as we got out of the car. Probably less from the anesthesia and more from just being uncomfortable in the car for 20 minutes, but it passed quickly. Tried to sleep, writhed around in pain for a while, cried a bit, then finally took a Unisom just so I could fall asleep for a bit. (Funny thing about Vicodin, it doesn't really help that much with pain, and it certainly doesn't make me sleepy.) After sleeping for a few hours, I woke up feeling much better. We ate, watched some American Dad and Family Guy, and I called/texted/facebooked everyone to let them know I didn't die on the table.

Still hurting a bit, but that's normal. I would totally recommend the procedure, and my doctor, she's wonderful. Shout out to the gals from Optima who actually did treat me like a queen.

I'll be down for a couple of days. Just gonna rest and take it easy. Emily the Precious starts her new job tomorrow too, which is awesome.

Thanks for all your love and support and happy thoughts. There will be a candlelight vigil due to the fact that I can't have sex for 2 weeks. :)

Life is good.

No really, it is!

I may not have everything I want in life, but I have everything I need.

Had a good weekend. Met my son's girlfriend, we had lunch. They are very cute together.

I'm helping Jill get one of their houses ready to sell. Which makes me sad because that means she really is leaving for Portland in the fall. It's all becoming very real. I'm gonna miss her like crazy.

Performed at Taste of the Islands Saturday nite. I wasn't on the schedule, but someone cancelled at the last minute. Luckily I was in the area, having just been to see Jill perfrom with the Motley Players at the Plano Children's Theater. Her show was good. Mine was ok. I wasn't really prepared, but I did fine. Got to hang out with some comedians that I actually like, and my son got to see two comedy shows in one night, and hang out with semi-famous people! My kids are so unaffected by it all.

Hung out with Jason last nite. We got drunk and went to open mic at Hyena's. I didn't go up. Wasn't really feeling it. Have a date with The Very Good Looking Ted tonite. Open mic on Tuesday, a show on Saturday, Hyena's the following weekend. Busy. Happy. Tired. Hungry. Happy Monday!

How Jenn Got Her Groove Back

Step 1 – Buy awesome vehicle for personal transportation.

Step 2 – Delete all boys from my phone who fail the ‘Jenn 2-day Rule’*.

Step 3 – Meet cute 25 year-old at bar and take him home.

Step 1 - So yes, I am now the proud owner of a 2004 Honda Element. It’s pretty awesome. I feel very tall driving it. My friend Josh who died in 2008 drove one of these, so I have named my new Silver box “Joshua”.

I have not bought a car from a dealership in many years. The experience was much as I remembered it – unpleasant. But it all worked out. Mucho thanks to Jill for driving me around and helping me hound these salesmen. We actually had fun messing with their heads. And I got a good deal. All is well.

Step 2 - The ‘Jenn 2-day Rule’ – this rule applies to all boys in my life who have been, um, physically involved with me at one time or another, and it’s quite simple: if I call or text you, and you don’t respond within 2 days, you are deleted from my phone. I realize that I’m just a booty call to the majority of those effected, but geez, a little courtesy is all I ask. Is that too much? Apparently. Several boys’ numbers have been lost this year. (This method is also good for avoiding the dreaded ‘drunk texting’. I’m bad about that.)

Step 3 – Well, um, that’s kinda self-explanatory. But that’s how I roll. And I didn’t get his phone number.

Catsup.

Hello bloggers. I hope this day finds you well. Ha, that was kinda funny. What? Nevermind.

So let’s catch up, shall we? Last week was pretty awful. It started off ok on Sunday. Had a good set at Hyena’s open mic, got to hang out with Jill, and then Jason came over to visit, we had a nice chat. It was a good nite. Monday was ok, but Tuesday morning I found myself unable to get out of bed. This pain I’m having is really taking its toll on me. It affects me not only physically, but emotionally as well. I have several days a month where I just feel worthless. And it doesn’t matter how many great things are going on in my life, I still feel like hell. And then I got a super sexy sinus infection on top of the pain, so that made for a really shitty week. I missed 2.5 days of work, and my boss was not happy. She’s very understanding, in spite of everything, but I realize that she just needs me to be there and be healthy. That’s really what we all want. Sometimes it’s hard to be so important. It’s a lot of pressure.

I started feeling better Saturday evening, thanks to Jill. She came over Friday and brought me medicine and chocolate and food. What a great friend she is. I began my Spring cleaning by tackling my closet. Yikes. I have a lot of crap that I don’t need, and a lot of clothes that I can’t wear anymore.

My friend Sean is staying with me for a little while. He’s had a bit of bad luck in the finances department, and I sure know how that can be, so I told him he could crash on my couch. It works out because he’s been kind enough to get me to some shows and to the grocery store when needed. My daughter isn’t too happy about it, but it’s only for a little while. I’ve been in his shoes, I couldn’t possibly have said no, especially when no one else was in a position to help him right now. Stupid economy.

We got pulled over for being white last nite. We were coming back from the grocery store around 10 PM when a lovely Dallas cop pulled us over. His registration is out on his car, but I’m not certain they actually saw that in the dark, and they weren’t behind us long enough to run his plate. In fact, I thought they were after someone else because they got up really close to the car to our right. But hey, we’re a couple of white folks, in a nice mustang, driving around in the hood after dark. Obviously, we were up to no good! We were approached on both sides of the car with the standard loud tap on the window. I get really nervous around cops. They make me feel like a criminal even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I get all over-talky and goofy and I look guilty. Sean started to freak because he wasn’t sure if he had an outstanding warrant on a speeding ticket. He did. But, thankfully, the cop who was driving was training his partner, so they just wrote him a ticket for the expired tag and told him to take care of the ticket . Phew. I was a bit freaked out and scared. Plus, if they had taken him to jail, how the hell would I have carried all of those groceries up 3 flights of stairs by myself? Lol. No, I’m not really like that. Well, maybe a little.

Oh, yeah, remember that guy I told you about who was so great and perfect for me? Um, yeah. He’s not so great afterall. At this point I’m not even surprised. There was only one thing standing in the way of our perfect relationship – his wife. Hmph. Same old story, he’s ‘in the process of getting a divorce’ – but they still live in the same house. I’m not down for that kind of drama. I deserve better. Fuck yes I do. Sigh.

So I remain single, as always. Jason and I are back in the ‘friend zone’, which is actually kinda cool, because as Jill pointed out, it’s nice that we can be friends and that he doesn’t just want me for a booty call. I like our friendship, I like hanging out with him. He’s funny and he makes me laugh. I met him on the night I returned to comedy in January of 2009, many months after my friend Josh’s death and my subsequent hiatus from, well, everything. I don’t want to say he’s ‘special’, but I’m glad to have him as a friend. I’m hoping that he’ll help me write my pilot. He can write, he’s good. We’ll see how it goes.

I’m happy with where I am in comedy, I'm very glad I got back to it last year. And I’m glad that I didn’t get where I am by ass-kissing, sleeping around or being a club owner’s lacky. I get booked because I’m funny, I’m easy to work with, I’m nice, and audiences of all kinds love me. That’s a damn good feeling.

I need to lose some weight. I’m ready to get serious about it again. I’m going to start walking a few nites a week, now that the weather isn’t blizzard-like. I like that I live close to the lake. I may even buy myself some roller skates and skate around the lake! But tonite, I’m making a very fattening, very delicious Beef Stroganoff. Yummy.

And, the best news of all – hopefully within the next 2 weeks, I will have a CAR! WOOT! I got my income tax refund. Uncle Sam was good to me this year. I have to pay some towards my surgery, take care of a few issues and get my license renewed, but after that, I’m ready to roll! How sweet will that be?

Oh, and my son finally got to see me perform in front of an audience at the ArtLoveMagic event on March 5th. Poor kid. He may never be the same.

I have shows every weekend starting March 27th. Check my website for locations and times, and come see me, why don’t you? Life is good. Good job, good jokes, good friends, great family. Love you all. Hugs and kisses!