Blockage.

(edit: I wrote this back in April. Then I took it down. But since he doesn't read my blog, I put it back up, because none of this has changed.)

Dear Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless,

I could never say this to you in person, even though we’ve gotten pretty close. And we have gotten close. You know who you are. And I just need to write this. I doubt I’ll leave it up here.

We’ve been doing this hanging out, being ‘friends’ thing for a long time now. I was pretty crazy about you back when we first met, that was well over a year ago now. I guess you probably knew how much I liked you then, although I never told you. We didn’t start off as friends. We had a lot of fun at first, until you told me that I was too old for you and that you really wanted to find someone your own age. That hurt a little. Ok, maybe a lot. You knew how old I was that first night you met me, but I understood. Well, maybe not so much understood, as dealt with it, accepted it. What else was I supposed to do? So we’ve gone back and forth all this time. Yes, we’ll sleep together, no we won’t. Yes, we’re just friends again, no we’re not.

You’re an idiot.

You know you’re not the only guy in my life. But you’re the only one I actually care about. You’ve always been my favorite. I love your sense of humor, your talent, your personality, your smile, and the sex we’ve had is amazing. I love that you make me laugh. I love all the crazy shit we do. I love every minute we spend together. I don’t get easily attached to men. They come and go, and I’m used to that. These other guys mean nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. But something keeps you coming back. And something keeps letting me let you come back.

I’m an idiot.

I put my foot down and said we’re back in the ‘friend zone’ recently, and I meant it. No more sleeping together because that’s not what friends do. I thought I meant it. Until last nite, I thought I was fine with just being your buddy, your pal, your friend. But I’ll be damned, I found myself feeling, what was that, jealousy? When that woman was hitting on you. I didn’t think I had that in me – for you or for anyone! I was jealous! What the hell? I don’t have feelings for guys! Never! I use them as playthings and rarely give them a second thought, and that has suited me just fine. But I was actually jealous. Territorial even! And the woman had the nerve to ask me if you were ‘my man’ when I told her to remove herself from my seat next to you. Hmm. I didn’t know how to answer that, so I said, “Right now, yes he is.” My other friend thought it was amusing, said I was being a little ‘possessive’. Did you see it? You must have noticed. I’ve never thought of it that way. But what you don’t know is that he noticed also, that you were the same way with me. I don’t know if possessive is the right word, but it’s obvious that we care about each other, obvious to other people. Protective, maybe? Yeah, of course. We’re friends, right?

You’ve never seen me cry. You’ve never seen me angry. You always get me at my best. We’ve never had an argument or a fight or said an unkind word to each other. We always have fun, no matter what we’re doing. My kids dig you. You don’t judge me, nor I you. We know so much about each other. And after last nite I realize that, the more time we spend together, the harder it is for me to just be your friend. You’re so hung up on our age difference, and I get that, I suppose. But it’s not my fault, and I’m tired of feeling bad about it. I’m done having kids, and you have high hopes of settling down someday and having a family. I get that too. I really do. So why spend all your time with me? Because I’m awesome, of course. But not permanent.

I know you care about me in some way. We’ve had some moments. I remember them all. I remember everything you’ve ever said to me, and every minute we’ve spent together, with few exceptions.

I haven’t been truly in love with anyone in years, and I refuse to let myself fall for anyone. And yet, there’s a little piece of me that loves you, in some way. There, I said it. You’re special to me, you always have been, and no matter how much I try to hide it, I have these feelings for you that just won’t go away.

Holy crap, Jenn has feelings!

I’m just not sure I can do this with you anymore. But if having you as a friend is the only way I can keep you around, then I’ll deal with it. And it’s a shame you won’t nut up and admit that you feel the same way about me.

Funny that you’ll never know, because you won't read this, and there’s no possible way in hell I could say these things to you, Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless.

The long, hot summer

Hola, mi amigos. Que pasa?

No, I really didn't learn to speak Spanish in the last couple of months. Fooled ya, huh? ha.

So I'm sitting at Cafe Brazil, sucking up the free wi-fi. My younger daughter called to say she's mad that I didn't take her with me. (The Princess turned 18 at the end of August, I didn't realize we still had to clear everything with each other.) In my defense, she was still asleep when I left. My oldest daughter just called and asked if I would take her shopping. And here I was, thinking I had a day to myself. Silly Jenn. Not that I mind spending time with my kids. I adore them, you all know that. And they are growing up to be such amazing people.

I do have far too much time to myself these days, having been fired from the one job I actually liked in the past 5 years. That happened in July - on my mother's birthday, to be exact. I really do miss that job. But I had this thought that I would do some writing and perhaps accomplish some things that I hadn't had time to do. Yeah, that hasn't so much happened. The summer has been busy, but not terribly profitable.

I started cleaning houses for money. Apparently, I'm really good at 3 things: Telling jokes, giving head, and cleaning. If I could just get paid for telling jokes. (I've made less than $100 since July doing comedy.) Oh, and I don't get paid for the other. That would be wrong. And illegal. But I am a cleaning fiend, so if you're in need of a housekeeper who speaks English and doesn't steal, I'm the woman for you!

I managed to make it through this summer and its 29 days of temps over 100 degrees without a working A/C in my car. The Honda Element. Hmph. More like the Heating Element. Maybe I can afford it by winter time.

Love life, let's see. No change, really. I met a guy who is terribly nice and smart. He's also nerdy and strange and far too pragmatic for Jenn. I don't see a future in it. And I just can't seem to give Jason up just yet. Since he moved back to town, we've been seeing each other pretty much weekly. We get something from each other, something we both need, but I can't exactly explain what that is. He slept with one of my friends, and I thought we were done. It's not that we're a couple, by any means, but dude, if you're gonna screw some other chick, make it someone who I don't know. Is that too much to ask? I was really upset with him, but I got over it. The term "dangerously charming" comes to mind. He actually used the "L" word - but it doesn't count, since we were drinking. But we have a certain comfort with each other, and we have amazing sex. Is that so wrong? We will never be a couple, I'm too old for him, he wants to have babies, blah blah blah. But we'll keep doing what we do until one of us finds something more permanent. I hope it's me first. ha.

Tornadoes yesterday. Clouds today. Big cleaning job tomorrow. No shows until September 21. I suppose that's a good enough update, for now.