Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What's happening?

So life is interesting lately. I suppose you could call it that.

Emily got a job, which is strange. Now she's the one telling me to keep it down cuz she has to get up early for work. Don't you love the irony?

I got a car. Finally.
1969 Toyota Corona Deluxe Sedan.
Super sweet. I hope to get some pics up here soon.
Thanks, Jill, for not selling it to one of the many people who've asked.

I'm doing stand-up again. Just a couple of open mics on Monday nites, but it's fun. I need to write some new stuff for sure. I have a little new stuff, but I'm just not motivated to write at the moment. It's awesome to see my comedy buddies again. I miss Josh every time I get on stage, but I know he's watching.

I don't check myspace or facebook anymore, so if you're trying to reach me there, it's not gonna happen. Getting the car is the best thing that's happened to me in a while. The rest is pretty much shit. Well, that's not entirely true. A lot of it is shit. My living situation blows, and I don't have internet access. Hoping to get an apartment soon, but may have to get a second job to afford it. Working at the sex store is fun, and I'm amazingly good at this job, but I'm not making the money I'm used to making, so things are a little rough.

My love life - well, there's no love there, as always. For a while, I've enjoyed being a cougar. I figured that it was perfectly ok for me to 'date' guys in their 20's. And since I turned 40, these are the only guys who seem to be interested in me. So it was a win-win, right? But obviously these little flings weren't ever going to blossom into anything magical and long-term. Of course I'm not silly enough to believe that. I know what's up, it is what it is, and I'm ok with that. And then I meet someone my own age who is brilliant and fun and amazingly interesting, and I think that maybe we have a connection and maybe I'm ready to have more than just a sexual relationship with someone for a change. Unfortunately, my judgment on that was way off as well, and I ended up a sad and a little bruised.

And last nite, one of my 'boys' told me that I was too old for him and that he didn't want to see me anymore.

That stung a little.

Too old.

Wow.

He knew how old I was when we met. He's the one who hit on me. I realize that, when I was graduating from high school, he was heading to kindergarten, but we seemed to have a good thing for a while. Oh well. One less admirer. But the 'too old' thing got to me, I have to admit. I've been ok with turning 40; up until he said that. And sadly, these last few weeks have made me question a lot of things about myself. Sigh. Maybe my approach needs a little work. I can be selfish sometimes. I forget on occasion that boys actually do have feelings and fears and insecurities. Unfortunately, it's all of those things on my part that keep me from letting anyone in. These walls stay up for a reason. And that, apparently, gives the wrong impression.

Big sigh.

But, the good news...I've lost 47 pounds since February 2008. I'm pretty damn happy about that. I still don't know how to shop for my size. It takes a while to change that mindset. My oldest daughter says I look younger and better than I have in years. That's pretty sweet. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Caddyshack references, Jenn? Really? lol.

I think that's all for now. No creepy customers lately to speak of, just some male strippers and hot college boys. Gotta hate that, huh? Ha.

Hugs and kisses.
And this one too.

This one actually fit, a lot more than I wanted to admit.

Been thinking about you
Your records are here
Your eyes are on my wall
Your teeth are over there
But I'm still no one
And you're a star
What do you care?

Been thinking about you

And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When the other men are far far better

All the thing's you've got

All the things you need
Who bought you cigarettes
You bribed the company to come and see you honey

Been thinking about you

So how can you sleep
These people aren't your friends
They're paid to kiss your feet
They don't know what I know
And why should you care
When I'm not there

Been thinking about you

And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When I'm not there
All the things you've got
You'll never need
All the things you've got
I pain and I bleed to please you
Been thinking about you

-Thinking about you - Radiohead

A song for every occassion....

For a few days, I actually thot this one was appropriate.

They call me the apologist
And now that I'm at peak,
You know at first it really hurt -
We joke about these things.
I've skirted all my diferences
But now I'm facing up.
I wanted to apologize for
Everything I was. So,
I'm sorry, so sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
Did you understand me right?
The people here are good.
They tell me what I should have done
And offer what I could.
I'm good, all is good
All's well, no complaints.
When I fell regret,
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm sorry, so sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry

I live a simple life,
Unfettered by complex sweets.
You think this isn't me?
Don't be weak.
There I go,
I'm so sorry.

Thank you for being there for me
Thank you for listening, goodbye.
I can forfeit selfishness.
I hope for you that you apply
This happiness
This peacefulness
This peacefulness

I live a simple life
Unfettered by complex sweets
You think this isn't me?
That's so sweet.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you for being there for me,
Thank you for listening, goodbye.

The Apologist - R.E.M.

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