Dear Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless,
I could never say this to you in person, even though we’ve gotten pretty close. And we have gotten close. You know who you are. And I just need to write this. I doubt I’ll leave it up here.
We’ve been doing this hanging out, being ‘friends’ thing for a long time now. I was pretty crazy about you back when we first met, that was well over a year ago now. I guess you probably knew how much I liked you then, although I never told you. We didn’t start off as friends. We had a lot of fun at first, until you told me that I was too old for you and that you really wanted to find someone your own age. That hurt a little. Ok, maybe a lot. You knew how old I was that first night you met me, but I understood. Well, maybe not so much understood, as dealt with it, accepted it. What else was I supposed to do? So we’ve gone back and forth all this time. Yes, we’ll sleep together, no we won’t. Yes, we’re just friends again, no we’re not.
You’re an idiot.
You know you’re not the only guy in my life. But you’re the only one I actually care about. You’ve always been my favorite. I love your sense of humor, your talent, your personality, your smile, and the sex we’ve had is amazing. I love that you make me laugh. I love all the crazy shit we do. I love every minute we spend together. I don’t get easily attached to men. They come and go, and I’m used to that. These other guys mean nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. But something keeps you coming back. And something keeps letting me let you come back.
I’m an idiot.
I put my foot down and said we’re back in the ‘friend zone’ recently, and I meant it. No more sleeping together because that’s not what friends do. I thought I meant it. Until last nite, I thought I was fine with just being your buddy, your pal, your friend. But I’ll be damned, I found myself feeling, what was that, jealousy? When that woman was hitting on you. I didn’t think I had that in me – for you or for anyone! I was jealous! What the hell? I don’t have feelings for guys! Never! I use them as playthings and rarely give them a second thought, and that has suited me just fine. But I was actually jealous. Territorial even! And the woman had the nerve to ask me if you were ‘my man’ when I told her to remove herself from my seat next to you. Hmm. I didn’t know how to answer that, so I said, “Right now, yes he is.” My other friend thought it was amusing, said I was being a little ‘possessive’. Did you see it? You must have noticed. I’ve never thought of it that way. But what you don’t know is that he noticed also, that you were the same way with me. I don’t know if possessive is the right word, but it’s obvious that we care about each other, obvious to other people. Protective, maybe? Yeah, of course. We’re friends, right?
You’ve never seen me cry. You’ve never seen me angry. You always get me at my best. We’ve never had an argument or a fight or said an unkind word to each other. We always have fun, no matter what we’re doing. My kids dig you. You don’t judge me, nor I you. We know so much about each other. And after last nite I realize that, the more time we spend together, the harder it is for me to just be your friend. You’re so hung up on our age difference, and I get that, I suppose. But it’s not my fault, and I’m tired of feeling bad about it. I’m done having kids, and you have high hopes of settling down someday and having a family. I get that too. I really do. So why spend all your time with me? Because I’m awesome, of course. But not permanent.
I know you care about me in some way. We’ve had some moments. I remember them all. I remember everything you’ve ever said to me, and every minute we’ve spent together, with few exceptions.
I haven’t been truly in love with anyone in years, and I refuse to let myself fall for anyone. And yet, there’s a little piece of me that loves you, in some way. There, I said it. You’re special to me, you always have been, and no matter how much I try to hide it, I have these feelings for you that just won’t go away.
Holy crap, Jenn has feelings!
I’m just not sure I can do this with you anymore. But if having you as a friend is the only way I can keep you around, then I’ll deal with it. And it’s a shame you won’t nut up and admit that you feel the same way about me.
Funny that you’ll never know, because you won't read this, and there’s no possible way in hell I could say these things to you, Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless.