Grudges.

Ready for some drama? Good, cuz this isn't funny. I may take this post down later, I just needed to get it out for now. Thanks in advance for not offering me a firearm.


Do you ever feel like you’re drowning?
I do. I’m drowning in grudges.

I hold grudges. Long, painful, destructive grudges. I don’t mean to, and I know it’s not healthy, it’s just that they get in my head and I have a terrible time of letting them go. I don’t think the people who I hold them towards are ever sorry for the things they’ve done. Or at least, they never offered a convincing apology. It started long ago, and is most likely a learned behavior from my mother. (Thanks for that grudge, mom.) I’d like to air my grudges, not all of them, but some of the older ones, because I can’t seem to speak of them, and there are people in my life who just don’t understand why I’m so bitter.

My first husband, the father of my 17-year old daughter. He’s dead now, and I’m still angry at him. For what? For 15 years of no child support. For three years of complete and utter misery in our relationship. For running off with our daughter that time when she was just a few months old, and staying gone for two days, leaving me in our crappy little apartment with no car and no phone and not a clue how to find my baby. Can you even imagine what a terrifying 48 hours that was? I never forgave him for that.

For lying to me. For cheating on me. For bringing his junkie friends and his nasty addiction into my home. For exposing me to things that a 20 year old girl from Mesquite should never have seen. For just generally being one of the worst people I’ve ever known.

My mother. I love my mother, but I have a little grudge against her too, for not telling me that I had three sisters earlier in life. I still haven’t found them, and I’m angry about that. I hope to meet them someday. I just wish I’d known about them a long time ago. Perhaps knowing them would have made some sense out of other things for me.

My father. We haven’t spoken in over 3 years. I hold some grudges against him. For being too hard on me in school. For not accepting that, hey, maybe I’m just not good at math like you, dad, but did you see that I made Honors English again? Not good enough, huh? For cheating on my mother. For destroying what was a decent childhood up until the divorce. For marrying a woman who treated me like garbage. For ignoring me.

Myself. For never letting things go. For not being able to trust. For loving the wrong people and believing the wrong things. For shutting people out. For burning bridges. For letting all of this get to me.

I hold grudges against people for holding them against me. People I don't know. People who don't know me. I am angry. I am bitter. And I take it out on the people I love. I’m sorry for that.

I hold grudges. I have so many more, too many to detail here, and I hope that I’ll learn at some point to let them go. They’re killing me. I don’t want to drown.