If I placed a personal ad on a dating site...

...I would never get a date.

I’ve thought a lot about what I consider my perfect match, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is none.

I’m really attracted to funny guys, but I don’t date comics. Never date where you work. That leaves out the guys at my office.

I like smart guys, but I don’t like them to be smarter than me.

I like artists and musicians, but they’re usually too young, too cocky, or too lazy for me, and man, do they have issues.

I don’t like rednecks, momma’s boys or stalkers. I don’t like metrosexuals. (or bus fuckers as Bryce calls them.) A guy who gets pedicures, manicures, and spends time putting ‘product’ in his hair, no thanks.

I don’t need a guy with lots of money cuz I can make my own.

I can’t possibly date someone who likes Nascar, wrestling, or chick flicks. Nascar is ridiculous, (sorry Tommy), wrestling is still fake, (sorry Jay), and it’s fucking sweet if you cried during Steel Magnolias, but grab a tissue and keep walking buddy.

I don’t want a guy with kids, even though, ironically enough, I have 3 kids of my own. But my kids are cool and cute and funny, and your kids are no match for mine. I don’t want to be a mother to someone else’s creations.

I don’t like guys who are into cars or sports in an obsessive way. I’ll ride in a car, and I’ll watch a football game, just not every single game that’s ever played. Come on! High school, middle school, college teams, off-season, pre-season, post-season, fuck that. Get a favorite team and run with it.

Sex is important, and it better be good. I have dumped guys for being bad in the sack. Not that I told them that was the reason. If I ever told you, “It’s not you, it’s me,” well, now you know.

Men who are threatened by a woman’s success? Not interested.

I used to think that I wanted a sappy romantic guy.
But I really don’t like them either.

Someday I just hope to find a man who doesn’t make me want to punch him in the face.