The Purple Sharpie incident and why my boss is nuts.
Hi Everybody!
(everyone should now chime in by saying, “Hi, Doctor Nick!” If you don’t get the Simpsons reference, I will smack you later.)
I’m happy to report that my head cold from hell has pretty much subsided. Damn, that was a long and drawn out illness. I’m still coughing, but the bulk of the icky feeling has gone away. Yay!
It’s Monday and I’m fresh off a very uneventful weekend. Uneventful, you say? Why yes, it was. My first question – where the hell was the rain? We brought in everything from outside, battoned down the hatches if you will, and all we saw was a bit of wind. Even my friend Russ in Houston said he was barely misted upon by Rita. So what’s worse, unpreparedness or total panic?
I spent the weekend watching movies with the kids, my roommates and my friend who I can’t think of a better thing to call him than a friend. That’s what he calls me, but it just doesn’t seem appropriate. Friend with benefits? Ok, that works I guess. I think he just hangs out for the free meals. I am a pretty good cook. But I digress. He’s probably reading this and I hope he knows that I’m kidding. Anywho…we were totally ready for some heavy rain and planned all non-outdoor activities. But alas, everything remained dry.
Today is payday, which makes the Monday a little easier to take. My job is really strange. Well, I should say it’s my boss who is strange. I arrived at my desk this morning to find a stack of things from her and a note on top, asking me to water the plants. Why she feels the need to use big words when making this request is beyond me. All you have to say is, “Please water the plants”, right? Not good enough for boss. Here’s the note:
“If I am not hear (spelled wrong), can you please make sure the plants are watered? Maybe you can validate with me on a periodic basis to ensure they are handled.”
Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. The Purple Sharpie incident still tops this though. Oh, I didn’t tell you about that one? How could I have forgotten?
A little background – my boss is crazy. And I say that in the most kind and loving way possible. I’ve known her for a long time, she and my friend started this company together and have grown it into a fantastic business. That’s about all the good I have to say. She’s very smart, but not as smart as she likes you to think. She will use big words and talk over your head to make you feel stupid. She is very loud and obnoxious, and has been asked to leave certain trade shows and events for making a scene. She travels most of the time, but when she’s in the office, she’s usually yelling and screaming at everyone. She’s a blamer, everything is someone else’s fault. If she says you took a book from her office, you damn well better find it, even if you weren’t the one who took it. And when she finally turns around and sees that it was sitting on her shelf the whole time, well, you probably hid it from her and returned it when she wasn’t looking. She will wait until 6 PM to give me projects and instructions, which means I get to stay an hour late on those days. And no, I don’t get paid overtime. Ahh, the beauty of being a salaried employ.
The worst part about it is that she and her partner have recently separated. So now she’s obnoxious, mean AND sad, which makes for a lethal combination.
And now, the Purple Sharpie incident….
A few weeks ago, she returned to the office from a 10 day travel stint and she was not happy when she arrived, as usual. She gets to her office and finds something that causes her to scream. She comes running to my desk. In her hand is a package of multi-colored Sharpie markers. The package has been opened haphazardly and one of the markers is missing. She is absolutely livid.
Boss, screaming and red-faced: “WHO OPENED THIS?”
Me, containing laughter: “Um, I really don’t know.”
Boss, still screaming: “I bought these to take to Chicago, and I want to know who opened them! Who’s been in my office?”
Me, matter of factly: “Everyone’s been in your office.”
(Keep in mind that everyone is always in and out of her office as she has many files, books and documents that are germane to the daily operations of the business. Ooh, look at me using big words!)
Boss, growing more angry: “I want to know who did this. I can’t believe people are rifling through my office and taking my things! One of them is missing! Which color was taken?”
Me, dumbfounded: “I don’t know.” So I sniff the package. “Purple?”
Boss, not amused: “I want you to find out who took it and bring them to my office immediately!”
Me, not impressed: “Um, ok, I’ll get right on that.”
So I’ve been sent on a mission to find the Purple Sharpie thief and bring her their head. The thing is, I really don’t care who took it. I don’t care what color is missing, and in the grand scheme of things, I can think of at least 17 things that are more important than a missing marker. But I ask around. No one is willing to fess up of course. When she finally finds out that it was taken by her partner who recently dumped her, she shuts up and doesn’t say another word about it. Now I twitch every time I see a Sharpie.
And this is my daily life at work. Why do I stay? A couple of reasons. One, because they are my friends, and I know I can do this job better than anyone else. And two, because they pay me very, very well to do what I do. The bonus is, I’m getting so much new material from it! Can’t beat that with a stick.
That’s it for today. I’m sleepy, I need more coffee, and I can’t wait to get my paycheck. Have a wonderful week, and I hope to write more than I have been.
(everyone should now chime in by saying, “Hi, Doctor Nick!” If you don’t get the Simpsons reference, I will smack you later.)
I’m happy to report that my head cold from hell has pretty much subsided. Damn, that was a long and drawn out illness. I’m still coughing, but the bulk of the icky feeling has gone away. Yay!
It’s Monday and I’m fresh off a very uneventful weekend. Uneventful, you say? Why yes, it was. My first question – where the hell was the rain? We brought in everything from outside, battoned down the hatches if you will, and all we saw was a bit of wind. Even my friend Russ in Houston said he was barely misted upon by Rita. So what’s worse, unpreparedness or total panic?
I spent the weekend watching movies with the kids, my roommates and my friend who I can’t think of a better thing to call him than a friend. That’s what he calls me, but it just doesn’t seem appropriate. Friend with benefits? Ok, that works I guess. I think he just hangs out for the free meals. I am a pretty good cook. But I digress. He’s probably reading this and I hope he knows that I’m kidding. Anywho…we were totally ready for some heavy rain and planned all non-outdoor activities. But alas, everything remained dry.
Today is payday, which makes the Monday a little easier to take. My job is really strange. Well, I should say it’s my boss who is strange. I arrived at my desk this morning to find a stack of things from her and a note on top, asking me to water the plants. Why she feels the need to use big words when making this request is beyond me. All you have to say is, “Please water the plants”, right? Not good enough for boss. Here’s the note:
“If I am not hear (spelled wrong), can you please make sure the plants are watered? Maybe you can validate with me on a periodic basis to ensure they are handled.”
Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. The Purple Sharpie incident still tops this though. Oh, I didn’t tell you about that one? How could I have forgotten?
A little background – my boss is crazy. And I say that in the most kind and loving way possible. I’ve known her for a long time, she and my friend started this company together and have grown it into a fantastic business. That’s about all the good I have to say. She’s very smart, but not as smart as she likes you to think. She will use big words and talk over your head to make you feel stupid. She is very loud and obnoxious, and has been asked to leave certain trade shows and events for making a scene. She travels most of the time, but when she’s in the office, she’s usually yelling and screaming at everyone. She’s a blamer, everything is someone else’s fault. If she says you took a book from her office, you damn well better find it, even if you weren’t the one who took it. And when she finally turns around and sees that it was sitting on her shelf the whole time, well, you probably hid it from her and returned it when she wasn’t looking. She will wait until 6 PM to give me projects and instructions, which means I get to stay an hour late on those days. And no, I don’t get paid overtime. Ahh, the beauty of being a salaried employ.
The worst part about it is that she and her partner have recently separated. So now she’s obnoxious, mean AND sad, which makes for a lethal combination.
And now, the Purple Sharpie incident….
A few weeks ago, she returned to the office from a 10 day travel stint and she was not happy when she arrived, as usual. She gets to her office and finds something that causes her to scream. She comes running to my desk. In her hand is a package of multi-colored Sharpie markers. The package has been opened haphazardly and one of the markers is missing. She is absolutely livid.
Boss, screaming and red-faced: “WHO OPENED THIS?”
Me, containing laughter: “Um, I really don’t know.”
Boss, still screaming: “I bought these to take to Chicago, and I want to know who opened them! Who’s been in my office?”
Me, matter of factly: “Everyone’s been in your office.”
(Keep in mind that everyone is always in and out of her office as she has many files, books and documents that are germane to the daily operations of the business. Ooh, look at me using big words!)
Boss, growing more angry: “I want to know who did this. I can’t believe people are rifling through my office and taking my things! One of them is missing! Which color was taken?”
Me, dumbfounded: “I don’t know.” So I sniff the package. “Purple?”
Boss, not amused: “I want you to find out who took it and bring them to my office immediately!”
Me, not impressed: “Um, ok, I’ll get right on that.”
So I’ve been sent on a mission to find the Purple Sharpie thief and bring her their head. The thing is, I really don’t care who took it. I don’t care what color is missing, and in the grand scheme of things, I can think of at least 17 things that are more important than a missing marker. But I ask around. No one is willing to fess up of course. When she finally finds out that it was taken by her partner who recently dumped her, she shuts up and doesn’t say another word about it. Now I twitch every time I see a Sharpie.
And this is my daily life at work. Why do I stay? A couple of reasons. One, because they are my friends, and I know I can do this job better than anyone else. And two, because they pay me very, very well to do what I do. The bonus is, I’m getting so much new material from it! Can’t beat that with a stick.
That’s it for today. I’m sleepy, I need more coffee, and I can’t wait to get my paycheck. Have a wonderful week, and I hope to write more than I have been.
posted by Jenn at
8:45 AM
12 Comments:
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Just go to www.bitemespammer.com.
There are people out there searching for ways to kill spammers. I hope you're first on the list.
Ha!
j.
Mmmm, the smell of markers. I swear if my personality were any more addictive, I'd probably throw them into a paper bag and huff 'em.
Whoa, that sounds like a fun day! I love it when people get all up in your business, like they actually know what the hell is going on. I need one of those Jump to Conclusions mats like that guy made in Office Space. :)
Why would anyone want to kick your ass, Tommy? I can't even imagine, unless you were somehow the cause of his unemployment.
Note left on your desk at 7 pm: "If I am not hear, can you validate with me that my vagina has been thuroughly washed? Maybe we should meet periodically to see that this has been assertained appropriately. And furthermore, did you go into my desk drawer and steal my yellow paper clip? I purposely have one yellow paper clip for good luck when I play gay bingo on Saturdays. It is missing and I will not stop until each employee's eyes have been cauterized with my vengeance. And furthermore, I need you to stuff a garbage bag with cows so that I may throw them out the window of my hum-v limo as I drive down the street. It's all about advertising and being obnoxious. One more thing of major import: Have you been using more than your fair share of toilet paper? Some of the employees have complained that you use the toilet more than normal. Four squares is more than ample enough to wipe one's genitalia. Mine of course, isn't cleaned properly. I HATE YOU CRETINS!"
OH MY GOD!!!!
I hope you realize just how close to reality that is! Oh, and god, the cows. She was unhappy with the way I had put the little bells around their necks, so she made me go out and buy more purple ribbon so she could re-bell them.
I live in hell. I do.
Glad to here that you're feeling better! I've missed ya and your sense of humour.
You're so right about her being a good souce of material! Furthermore, I say if you're being accused of doing heinous crimes like borrowing markers and moving books etc., why not at least get the fun of being guilty of it? Not that you would ever, ever do anything like that on purpose.
Thanks sky! I'm back in full force.
Jill, of course I would NEVER do any such thing...I would never hide something from her, then watch her run around like crazy trying to find it, while I'm off in the corner giggling maniacally. Never!
The sad thing is, she looks to me for advice and validation. Sometimes I dislike her, and other times I just feel sorry for her.
"They were all disloyal. I tried to run the ship properly by the book, but they fought me at every turn. If the crew wanted to walk around with their shirttails hanging out, that's all right, let them! Take the towline - defective equipment, no more, no less. But they encouraged the crew to go around, scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles and then 'Old Yellowstain.' I was to blame for Lieutenant Maryk's incompetence and poor seamanship. Lieutenant Maryk was the perfect officer, but not Captain Queeg. Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist. And I would have produced that key if they hadn't pulled the Caine out of action. I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer."
Captain Queeg
THE CAINE MUTINY
That was very appropos, Travis. I expect nothing less from you. :)
Oh, and I'm stealing that for my screenplay....
:)
--Travis--
Anniee!
:)
So good to see you. Glad you enjoy reading this nutty crap that makes up my life.
And I remember that chick from Joe Millionaire! God she was dumb, but pretty goes a long way, doesn't it? I thought it was funny when they found out she'd done a fetish video. What a freak.
I'll come see what's happening on your board soon, I've just been so damn busy. Travis pops in to visit me here from time to time. :)
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