Imprints
I was looking at my hand today and I realized that I still have an imprint on my finger where my wedding ring used to be. I wonder if it will always be there? It’s been nearly 3 years since we split up, and it doesn’t seem to be fading at all.
We were married for what I consider a long time – 11 years. That’s a lifetime to some small mammals. I look at the little indentation on my finger and I wonder, what went wrong? The obvious choice would be to blame him, because I’m a woman and that’s what we do. But it wasn’t his fault at all. My ex husband is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. He’s kind, hard-working, funny, even if a little corny, and a wonderful dad. So why did we get divorced? The answer surprises even me sometimes: it was all because of me.
I complain endlessly about not being able to find a decent man. Truth is, I had one, and I let him go. So my thinking is that I don’t deserve one now. Karma and all, you know how that goes. That would explain the terrible luck I’ve had with men over the past couple of years. Karma is saying to me, “That’s what you get, Jenn!”
That’s what I get.
No one ever expected us to split up, the two of us included. We were happy for a long time, or maybe we were just oblivious. Either way, it seemed to be working just fine. But then I got the urge to become a comedian. And that’s when it all went to hell.
Did comedy ruin my marriage? It’s hard to say. He was supportive at first, when I was doing just an open mic once a week. But when it started to become 2 or 3 times a week, and the shows got later and later, he started to lose his enthusiasm for my newfound hobby. He only came to see me perform once. Someone had to stay home with the kids, of course. But I felt that, even if arrangements for a sitter could be made, he just wasn’t that interested. Maybe that was a false perception.
The one time he came to the club, I think he was really offended by all the attention I received from the guys. But that’s just how guys are, especially with me. I have breasts, it’s not a mystery. Let me say this though – I never cheated on my husband. Not with a comic, not with anyone. I enjoy getting attention, but I was a happily married woman at the time and knew that someone was at home, waiting for me. That’s a good feeling. But the good feeling started to go away, and I wanted to find something to replace it. I guess that’s where the comedy came in. Being at the club, hanging out with all these funny and talented people, it opened up a whole new world for me. A world that took me away from where I really needed to be.
There were a lot of factors involved with the break up, I can’t blame comedy 100%.
Was I going through an early mid-life crisis? Possibly. Was I being selfish and self-serving, only thinking about what I wanted and to hell with everyone else? Most definitely. I see that now. I’ve worked hard to become a comedian. I’m happy with my progress and I hope there’s a future in it for me. But at what cost? How many more good people in my life will I throw away in favor of 10 minutes of stage time and a few laughs? I can’t say. But I’ll always have a little imprint on my finger to remind me of what used to be there.
He and I are friends now, we get along great. He’s so good with the kids, and he truly is a wonderful person. Any woman would be lucky to have him. It’s a shame I didn’t appreciate what I had back then. Food for thought.
Back to work, slackers.
We were married for what I consider a long time – 11 years. That’s a lifetime to some small mammals. I look at the little indentation on my finger and I wonder, what went wrong? The obvious choice would be to blame him, because I’m a woman and that’s what we do. But it wasn’t his fault at all. My ex husband is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. He’s kind, hard-working, funny, even if a little corny, and a wonderful dad. So why did we get divorced? The answer surprises even me sometimes: it was all because of me.
I complain endlessly about not being able to find a decent man. Truth is, I had one, and I let him go. So my thinking is that I don’t deserve one now. Karma and all, you know how that goes. That would explain the terrible luck I’ve had with men over the past couple of years. Karma is saying to me, “That’s what you get, Jenn!”
That’s what I get.
No one ever expected us to split up, the two of us included. We were happy for a long time, or maybe we were just oblivious. Either way, it seemed to be working just fine. But then I got the urge to become a comedian. And that’s when it all went to hell.
Did comedy ruin my marriage? It’s hard to say. He was supportive at first, when I was doing just an open mic once a week. But when it started to become 2 or 3 times a week, and the shows got later and later, he started to lose his enthusiasm for my newfound hobby. He only came to see me perform once. Someone had to stay home with the kids, of course. But I felt that, even if arrangements for a sitter could be made, he just wasn’t that interested. Maybe that was a false perception.
The one time he came to the club, I think he was really offended by all the attention I received from the guys. But that’s just how guys are, especially with me. I have breasts, it’s not a mystery. Let me say this though – I never cheated on my husband. Not with a comic, not with anyone. I enjoy getting attention, but I was a happily married woman at the time and knew that someone was at home, waiting for me. That’s a good feeling. But the good feeling started to go away, and I wanted to find something to replace it. I guess that’s where the comedy came in. Being at the club, hanging out with all these funny and talented people, it opened up a whole new world for me. A world that took me away from where I really needed to be.
There were a lot of factors involved with the break up, I can’t blame comedy 100%.
Was I going through an early mid-life crisis? Possibly. Was I being selfish and self-serving, only thinking about what I wanted and to hell with everyone else? Most definitely. I see that now. I’ve worked hard to become a comedian. I’m happy with my progress and I hope there’s a future in it for me. But at what cost? How many more good people in my life will I throw away in favor of 10 minutes of stage time and a few laughs? I can’t say. But I’ll always have a little imprint on my finger to remind me of what used to be there.
He and I are friends now, we get along great. He’s so good with the kids, and he truly is a wonderful person. Any woman would be lucky to have him. It’s a shame I didn’t appreciate what I had back then. Food for thought.
Back to work, slackers.
posted by Jenn at
3:18 PM
3 Comments:
Not sappy at all. A nice analogy in fact. I've been a bit reflective lately.
And you're right - we weren't happy together, the last 2 years of the marriage were really stressful. But apart we do just fine. He is a great guy. Makes me sad that he's still not dating, but I'm hopeful that he finds a nice girl.
Well, luckily my ex and I agree on the education issue. We don't live in Dallas proper, we're in the 'burbs, so the younger kids have good public schools to go to. My oldest, on the other hand...I took her out of public schools and put her in a charter school. Smaller classes, self-paced, that sort of thing. Her parole officer said it would be best.
Ha!
Oh, and by the way Sarah, I talked to Jeff yesterday, and he still wants to fuck you. :)
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