Victim, my victim

I have to say, I'm awfully proud of that joke. And I've got a whole set list to go with it. I can't wait to try it out.

I told the ex my joke. He wasn't quite as amused as I. But everyone else I've told it to thought it was good. There's just no accounting for taste with some people.

I wrote a couple of jokes about him when we were together, and he didn't mind those. I'm not sure if it's the extreme awful place that joke came from - or if he really feels that he did nothing wrong. He said that I'm playing the victim really well.

Victim? ME?

Oh, hell no. I don't see myself as a victim - I believe that every experience makes us stronger, and that things happen for a reason - even the bad things. And I think I came out of this ok. I'm happy, I'm not stressed out daily, and I don't feel rejected or unwanted.

Was I perfect in this relationship? No. I never really saw him as a 'partner'. I didn't involve him in every decision. I didn't always tell the truth when it came to money. I did my own thing a lot of the time, especially when it came to my kids. I was extremely jealous. I was insanely insecure. There were good reasons for those last two, but he would disagree. So no, I wasn't perfect. But I was good to him, overall. I did everything for him. I suppose he had his moments too. But I always felt second best. I always felt like the runner-up - I believe he used those words to describe me to someone. I always felt like 'transition girl' - it was just a very long transition.

But just to set the record straight - yes, I provoked him. Of course I did. We were out at one of his shows, and something set me off, although I don't remember what it was. I had a few drinks, we fought all the way home, and it continued. I should have just let it go and gone off to bed, but no, I was feeling confrontational. We yelled and screamed at each other, things were thrown (by him), things were broken (by him). It was really the worst I'd ever seen him, anger-wise, although I seemed to have a knack of bringing out the very worst in him.

He was trying to leave. I got in his face. I pushed him. And that's when he hit me and knocked me down. He freaked out and started saying, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" - and I cowered up against the patio door and told him to get out.

I think the few people who got involved that night totally lost all respect for me when I took him back. And I lost a little respect for myself. I don't know what was going on in my crazy girl brain that said, "This is worth fighting for." He was extra nice to me after that - for about a week. Then things pretty much went back to normal. He blames my drinking for what happened that nite. Funny though, I only drank excessively to stop feeling so sad about our relationship. I don't feel the need to consume large amounts of alcohol anymore. Go figure.

We had many other problems - problems far too personal to discuss here. Bottom line: I wasn't happy, and we were toxic to each other.

I can't believe he didn't like that joke.