It's amazing how everything in your life can change in one split second. One moment of bad judgement, and POOF! Everything you worked for and everything you wanted is gone. How can everything I thought I knew turn out to be so completely and utterly wrong?

I haven't slept. My head hurts, still. I keep playing it over and over again in my head, trying to make some sense of it all.

I guess it's over. It has to be, right? I didn't deserve it. I didn't.

But maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe if I'd just shut up like he asked, this wouldn't have happened. I am a good button pusher. Oh, I'm so very good at pushing his buttons.

I loved him. With everything I had in me, I loved him.

If I just would have shut up. Shut up, Jenn, shut up! Why can't you just stop talking? No, you've gotta push, don't you? You've gotta push and push and push until he's so angry that you end up on the floor.

No, it's not my fault. Not my fault. Oh god why did this happen. I am so numb. I can't stop crying, and I can't stop seeing it in my head. I loved him. I did. And now my entire life is up in the air and I don't know what I'm going to do.

Goddamm it. If I just would have shut up. Just shut up. Shut up.

He's not a bad person. Momentary lapse in judgement. Rage and anger. Understandable.

I wonder if he'll miss me. I wonder if he's sorry. I wonder if I'll ever get over this.

Forgive him?
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anytime soon.
Maybe never.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
I am so fucked right now. I've never felt more lost. I've never been more alone.