Da Rules
So my friend Jill, who is all kinds of awesome, and pretty much my only female friend, gave me a book for my birthday.
It's called "The Rules."
What might these 'rules' be, you ask? Well, these are the 'rules' on dating, and how to attract and snag the man of your dreams, and ultimately get him to propose marriage.
Hmph.
After reading every chapter, some even twice, it has become quite apparent to me that I've been doing this ALL WRONG my WHOLE LIFE.
But why should this be a surprise to any of us, as I sit here eternally single and pining away over someone who's completely wrong for me and frankly doesn't give a shit if I live or die?
The Rules are slightly old-fashioned: Don't talk to a man first; don't call men; don't put out on the first date. Of course, even if they are old-fashioned, they certainly do make a lot of sense. The basic premise is that you have to play "hard to get" - not impossible, just hard. Be mysterious. Don't take the lead. Let him be, well, the man. He must be the one to approach you, call you, plan the date, pick you up, and pay for the date. You must never approach him first, call him for any reason, aside from the occasional return phone call, never pay for the date, and never, ever, EVER meet him halfway. If he wants to see you, he will go to all the trouble to make it happen. And that's how it should be. I am worth the time and effort, and men like a challenge. Well, that's what the book says. They like to be the one who pursues, and by approaching them first and asking them out, you totally take that way from them.
They even suggest setting a timer when you do take his calls. Ten minutes. That's all he gets. Why? Because it leaves him wanting more of you. They need to know that you're busy, that you have a life, and that you're not sitting around waiting for them to call. I actually practiced this on the bass player when he kept calling me, over and over. When I finally took his call, I gave him 7 minutes, and ended the call abruptly. It felt pretty damn good. Not that I expect this to work on him, as I'm convinced that he is a lost cause. But I need to practice on every guy I possibly can.
And seeing as how I've done the exact opposite of what "The Rules" suggest, with no success, perhaps it's time for me to start trying it "The Rules Girls" way.
So guys, let me hear from ya. I won't be calling you. :)
It's called "The Rules."
What might these 'rules' be, you ask? Well, these are the 'rules' on dating, and how to attract and snag the man of your dreams, and ultimately get him to propose marriage.
Hmph.
After reading every chapter, some even twice, it has become quite apparent to me that I've been doing this ALL WRONG my WHOLE LIFE.
But why should this be a surprise to any of us, as I sit here eternally single and pining away over someone who's completely wrong for me and frankly doesn't give a shit if I live or die?
The Rules are slightly old-fashioned: Don't talk to a man first; don't call men; don't put out on the first date. Of course, even if they are old-fashioned, they certainly do make a lot of sense. The basic premise is that you have to play "hard to get" - not impossible, just hard. Be mysterious. Don't take the lead. Let him be, well, the man. He must be the one to approach you, call you, plan the date, pick you up, and pay for the date. You must never approach him first, call him for any reason, aside from the occasional return phone call, never pay for the date, and never, ever, EVER meet him halfway. If he wants to see you, he will go to all the trouble to make it happen. And that's how it should be. I am worth the time and effort, and men like a challenge. Well, that's what the book says. They like to be the one who pursues, and by approaching them first and asking them out, you totally take that way from them.
They even suggest setting a timer when you do take his calls. Ten minutes. That's all he gets. Why? Because it leaves him wanting more of you. They need to know that you're busy, that you have a life, and that you're not sitting around waiting for them to call. I actually practiced this on the bass player when he kept calling me, over and over. When I finally took his call, I gave him 7 minutes, and ended the call abruptly. It felt pretty damn good. Not that I expect this to work on him, as I'm convinced that he is a lost cause. But I need to practice on every guy I possibly can.
And seeing as how I've done the exact opposite of what "The Rules" suggest, with no success, perhaps it's time for me to start trying it "The Rules Girls" way.
So guys, let me hear from ya. I won't be calling you. :)
posted by Jenn at
7:38 AM
16 Comments:
Seriously?!!?!?!?!??!??
You have got to be freaking kidding me?!?! That is absolutely the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life. I have never persued ANYONE that has not shown interest in return and have NEVER dated anyone for any length of time if they did not put out.
You know what you're going to get with that advice? The guys like that 40 year old you went out with who have low self esteem and believe that they are not worthy of having a woman. What kind of bullsh*t are they feeding you???
The only problem you have is you go out with guys that you know are losers. I like "BAD GIRLS" because they do stuff that normal broads wont do but I don't date them.
Yes, girls who put out on the first date don't get married because we figure if you were our toy for the night then you were probably two hundred other guys toy beforehand. We'll probably see you in a porn video pulling a train someday. Just do the three dates thing and you'll be fine.
Stop dating guys who live in their car, with their mom, play in bands, COMICS!, have no education, have mysterious bumps around their mouth and so on.
Ten minute timer? That is so stupid. We're gonna figure out you're a whack job eventually. Limiting conversation to ten minutes just makes it take longer and wastes more of our time. If we like you we're going to stay. If we don't we sneak out after s*x. Yeah, we always want what we can't have but day old chili dogs still suck when you get your hands on one.
You cannot be serious about following this stupid, assenine advice?!?!?
I can't take it. Make sure you tell Jill for me that she is a f*&%ing idiot.
Wow. Hit a nerve, did I? lol.
First off, and I don't want to be shitty as you're my biggest fan and all - but let me make this perfectly and abundantly clear that Jill is not only NOT an idiot, she is one of the smartest, funniest, most charming and successful people in my LIFE. I am lucky to have her as a friend. I would appreciate you NOT calling my friends, especially her, an idiot.
Secondly, she used this guide in snagging the most amazing man in the world, and 10 years later, he still adores her. I'd be lucky to end up with someone like him.
I don't date comics. I thought everyone knew that. It's been my only rule for the last 7 years.
I probably shouldn't have posted so much detail on 'the rules', cuz when guys know you're doing them, it obviously makes them angry. But I won't be dating you, so I guess it's ok then, eh?
That really pissed me off, by the way, and made me lose my train of thought. So to continue...
So as a guy, you're saying that you prefer for women to approach you, call you all the time and ask you out and pay for your dates? Really? I don't believe that's true.
It's not about the woman not showing interest. Obviously if you get a second date with her, she's interested.
And it's also not about never putting out, just not on the first 3-4 dates, or the first month or so. And what the hell is wrong with that? Why should I give up these amazing skills I have so quickly, without him having to work for them a little?
Sounds like tombotts is afraid you're going to raise your self-esteem to the point that he won't stand a chance with you. LOL!
Though, I think you'd be better off with a 40-year old with low self-esteem who treats you well than with a guy who has such "interesting" ideas about women. If you put out, you're a whore who will end up in a "porn video pulling a train someday."
But if you don't put out YOU WILL BE DUMPED.
So, in short, Jenn, do what makes you happy. I've actually read The Rules and I think they're corny and old-fashioned - but I also want my little sister acting more like a rules girl than anyone tombotts would "do stuff" with. Yuck.
Also, I think Jill is awesome - and I actually know her.
In conclusion "day old chili dogs"? WTF?
-Amanda
Jill IS awesome. And thanks, Amanda, for chiming in. :)
I may never eat a chili dog again.
holy fucking shit! tombotts sounds like the guys in high school! if your a girl and you put out, your a filthy whore. if you dont put out, your a stuck up bitch who deserves to get raped. and your still a whore because hes gonna tell everyone you liked it.
Tom, I don't agree with the rules either.
My view is that people are individuals, and something like this (whatever the set of "rules" or my agreement with said "rules") should at best be used as "guidelines", rather than hard and fast doctrine that applies to everyone.
That being said, who in the world are you or me or ANYONE to tell Jenn in such vitriolic terms what is right for Jenn? Just like the rest of us, she's trying to make her way through this world the best she can, and if these rules work for her, then more power to her! Whether anyone else agrees with the rules is completely irrelevant, if they work for her, they work for her, and I for one am not going to be so arrogant as to think I know better than she what she should do, how she should act or what "code" she should or should not follow.
Go get 'em, Jenn. If this works for you, great... if not, then move on.
"What's right is what feels good afterward." -- Hemingway
Thanks, Curt. :)
I'm not saying that it WILL work for me - but since everything else I've done HAS NOT worked, why not give it a try? I mean really, what do I have to lose at this point?
Do guys really want a clingy, needy woman who tells them all her problems immediately and calls every day for no reason? No. They don't. Do they want someone who is confident and self-assured and not dependent on their attention for their own happiness? God, I would hope so! It's all about NOT being desperate, and clingy, and needy, and a 'whack job' who can't possibly make it thru the day if she doesn't get constant attention from a guy.
Sounds pretty good to me.
And for the record, I have never dated a comic or a guy who lives in his car. And for all intents and purposes, we can't refer to what I was doing with the band guy and the 23-year old who lived with his parents 'dating'. So there. ;p
Jill rocks... men suck... end of ;) hehe
Upon more reflection...
If you go into it with the attitude of "I'm OK, and I'm going to be OK with or without a man (or woman)", then you accomplish what the "rules" are trying to get across without the artificial constraints, and the "needy, clingy" stuff is not a part of he equation.
Above all, "to thine own self be true". You're a kick ass woman all on your own, Jenn. You don't NEED anybody.
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Oh my goodness - I had no idea a simple book would cause so much trouble on Jenn's Blog!
See, in my opinion, all "The Rules" do is give women a plan to break habits of behavior that are not working for them. Anyone who has read the book knows this. I used to do a lot of the same things Jenn said she was doing - with much the same result. Then, someone gave me a copy of the book. I read it and I realized that the whole gist of the Rules is to have my own life and be happy with myself and stop relying on some hapless male to bolster my ego.
It's odd, but everyone I know who hates this book is only going off what they heard from someone else who also hasn't read it. So, it's not "tombotts" fault if he reacted so violently - I think he is just misinformed. But I also think he is acting from a place of trying to protect Jenn, as strange as that may sound.
I would be glad to have a level-headed discussion about exactly what advice is in that book that anyone thinks is going to harm Jenn. I will be glad to talk about this book with anyone who has actually read it. By all means, if you know something in there that is going to harm Jenn, she should know.
I love you Jenn - and I think you're fabulous and you have been happier this week than I've seen you in a long time. I think that counts for something.
Cheers,
Jill
Jill --
"I read it and I realized that the whole gist of the Rules is to have my own life and be happy with myself and stop relying on some hapless male to bolster my ego."
You said it much better than I. And I quoted freaking Shakespeare.
Although the concept of "catching me a man" is offensive -- the Rules do work.
People want to be around someone who has her life together -- if you're available all the time -- they can take you for granted.
The thing about the "Rules" is it isn't about tricking any old guy to fall for you -- but the guys that have long-term potential will respond to it -- and respect you for it.
The reality is -- as women -- lots of us have bad dating habits -- we cling onto guys (even though we know it's lame) -- if the rules help to build healthier habits -- more power to you sister!
That being said -- I think I violated every damn one of the rules this time...
Gina, lol. But you got lucky. :)
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