Totally Kickass Jenn!

Blockage.

2010-09-11T09:38:00.001-06:00

(edit: I wrote this back in April. Then I took it down. But since he doesn't read my blog, I put it back up, because none of this has changed.)

Dear Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless,

I could never say this to you in person, even though we’ve gotten pretty close. And we have gotten close. You know who you are. And I just need to write this. I doubt I’ll leave it up here.

We’ve been doing this hanging out, being ‘friends’ thing for a long time now. I was pretty crazy about you back when we first met, that was well over a year ago now. I guess you probably knew how much I liked you then, although I never told you. We didn’t start off as friends. We had a lot of fun at first, until you told me that I was too old for you and that you really wanted to find someone your own age. That hurt a little. Ok, maybe a lot. You knew how old I was that first night you met me, but I understood. Well, maybe not so much understood, as dealt with it, accepted it. What else was I supposed to do? So we’ve gone back and forth all this time. Yes, we’ll sleep together, no we won’t. Yes, we’re just friends again, no we’re not.

You’re an idiot.

You know you’re not the only guy in my life. But you’re the only one I actually care about. You’ve always been my favorite. I love your sense of humor, your talent, your personality, your smile, and the sex we’ve had is amazing. I love that you make me laugh. I love all the crazy shit we do. I love every minute we spend together. I don’t get easily attached to men. They come and go, and I’m used to that. These other guys mean nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. But something keeps you coming back. And something keeps letting me let you come back.

I’m an idiot.

I put my foot down and said we’re back in the ‘friend zone’ recently, and I meant it. No more sleeping together because that’s not what friends do. I thought I meant it. Until last nite, I thought I was fine with just being your buddy, your pal, your friend. But I’ll be damned, I found myself feeling, what was that, jealousy? When that woman was hitting on you. I didn’t think I had that in me – for you or for anyone! I was jealous! What the hell? I don’t have feelings for guys! Never! I use them as playthings and rarely give them a second thought, and that has suited me just fine. But I was actually jealous. Territorial even! And the woman had the nerve to ask me if you were ‘my man’ when I told her to remove herself from my seat next to you. Hmm. I didn’t know how to answer that, so I said, “Right now, yes he is.” My other friend thought it was amusing, said I was being a little ‘possessive’. Did you see it? You must have noticed. I’ve never thought of it that way. But what you don’t know is that he noticed also, that you were the same way with me. I don’t know if possessive is the right word, but it’s obvious that we care about each other, obvious to other people. Protective, maybe? Yeah, of course. We’re friends, right?

You’ve never seen me cry. You’ve never seen me angry. You always get me at my best. We’ve never had an argument or a fight or said an unkind word to each other. We always have fun, no matter what we’re doing. My kids dig you. You don’t judge me, nor I you. We know so much about each other. And after last nite I realize that, the more time we spend together, the harder it is for me to just be your friend. You’re so hung up on our age difference, and I get that, I suppose. But it’s not my fault, and I’m tired of feeling bad about it. I’m done having kids, and you have high hopes of settling down someday and having a family. I get that too. I really do. So why spend all your time with me? Because I’m awesome, of course. But not permanent.

I know you care about me in some way. We’ve had some moments. I remember them all. I remember everything you’ve ever said to me, and every minute we’ve spent together, with few exceptions.

I haven’t been truly in love with anyone in years, and I refuse to let myself fall for anyone. And yet, there’s a little piece of me that loves you, in some way. There, I said it. You’re special to me, you always have been, and no matter how much I try to hide it, I have these feelings for you that just won’t go away.

Holy crap, Jenn has feelings!

I’m just not sure I can do this with you anymore. But if having you as a friend is the only way I can keep you around, then I’ll deal with it. And it’s a shame you won’t nut up and admit that you feel the same way about me.

Funny that you’ll never know, because you won't read this, and there’s no possible way in hell I could say these things to you, Boy Who Shall Remain Nameless.

The long, hot summer

2010-09-09T11:31:00.000-06:00

Hola, mi amigos. Que pasa?

No, I really didn't learn to speak Spanish in the last couple of months. Fooled ya, huh? ha.

So I'm sitting at Cafe Brazil, sucking up the free wi-fi. My younger daughter called to say she's mad that I didn't take her with me. (The Princess turned 18 at the end of August, I didn't realize we still had to clear everything with each other.) In my defense, she was still asleep when I left. My oldest daughter just called and asked if I would take her shopping. And here I was, thinking I had a day to myself. Silly Jenn. Not that I mind spending time with my kids. I adore them, you all know that. And they are growing up to be such amazing people.

I do have far too much time to myself these days, having been fired from the one job I actually liked in the past 5 years. That happened in July - on my mother's birthday, to be exact. I really do miss that job. But I had this thought that I would do some writing and perhaps accomplish some things that I hadn't had time to do. Yeah, that hasn't so much happened. The summer has been busy, but not terribly profitable.

I started cleaning houses for money. Apparently, I'm really good at 3 things: Telling jokes, giving head, and cleaning. If I could just get paid for telling jokes. (I've made less than $100 since July doing comedy.) Oh, and I don't get paid for the other. That would be wrong. And illegal. But I am a cleaning fiend, so if you're in need of a housekeeper who speaks English and doesn't steal, I'm the woman for you!

I managed to make it through this summer and its 29 days of temps over 100 degrees without a working A/C in my car. The Honda Element. Hmph. More like the Heating Element. Maybe I can afford it by winter time.

Love life, let's see. No change, really. I met a guy who is terribly nice and smart. He's also nerdy and strange and far too pragmatic for Jenn. I don't see a future in it. And I just can't seem to give Jason up just yet. Since he moved back to town, we've been seeing each other pretty much weekly. We get something from each other, something we both need, but I can't exactly explain what that is. He slept with one of my friends, and I thought we were done. It's not that we're a couple, by any means, but dude, if you're gonna screw some other chick, make it someone who I don't know. Is that too much to ask? I was really upset with him, but I got over it. The term "dangerously charming" comes to mind. He actually used the "L" word - but it doesn't count, since we were drinking. But we have a certain comfort with each other, and we have amazing sex. Is that so wrong? We will never be a couple, I'm too old for him, he wants to have babies, blah blah blah. But we'll keep doing what we do until one of us finds something more permanent. I hope it's me first. ha.

Tornadoes yesterday. Clouds today. Big cleaning job tomorrow. No shows until September 21. I suppose that's a good enough update, for now.

Still alive and kicking. Kicking so hard.

2010-06-21T06:32:00.001-06:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged anything since April. Two months? Really, Jenn? WTF?

I've changed my settings so that only a few people can read this now. So now it's more like a diary than a public display of my antics. Which is fine, I suppose.

I'm doing well, nothing major to report. I just felt the need to write something and fill some space.

I met a guy who seemed like he would be a good long-term option. Trouble is, he just doesn't have much time for me. Between working nites and taking care of his ailing older sister during the day, he's only able to squeeze me in once every couple of weeks. Not sure that's going to work for me in the long run. We went out for a month before having sex - and it's now been about a month since that happened. I was trying to hold out, to be nice and just save it for him - but we all know that I don't roll that way. In my own sociological experiment, I've ascertained that I'm a much happier person when I'm having sex fairly often, and a pretty sad, depressed gal when I'm not doing it at all. And as we know, monogamy has never been my strong suit. So I broke a 'rule' and slept with one of my favorites, even though we've been in the 'friend zone' for 3 months. Yadda yadda yadda, I feel much better.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to maintain anything monogamous. Unless it's with someone who puts out every day. Sadly, guys my age aren't able to do that anymore, and the younger guys will eventually leave me and find someone their own age who can give them babies. Sigh. What's a cougar to do?

I never really do dump anyone. The Very Good Looking Ted is still around. Italian boy usually checks in monthly. Jason, of course, we still hang out, and he's not only my favorite, but also my favorite person to break rules with, and the Bass Player is coming to Dallas this week. None of them ever really go away, do they?

Hope you're all doing fab. It's early, I'm off to work shortly.

To Kill a Uterus

2010-04-13T19:01:00.003-06:00

First, you start with an ungodly perky staff at 8 in the morning. Obviously, they got to have coffee, and I was a little envious of that. No tall non-fat light whip Cinnamon Dulce Latte for Jenn today, oh no sir. I couldn't even have a cup of ice cubes, but the perklets sipped happily upon their Starbucks while I undressed from the waist down.

"Well how are you feeling today, Jennifer? You are our only patient this morning, so we're all going to take good care of you!" chirped the blonde with the annoyingly sweet disposition. She told me I was going to be Queen for the Day. Yeah, so where's my fucking tiara?

The procedure is called a Hypothermal Ablation, (yes, I included a link to totally gross you out.), which is an alternative to a hysterectomy. The recovery time is much faster and you can have it done on an outpatient basis, which is what I did. I was in by 9, out by 10:30.

They put you under anesthesia for the procedure, and as I was drifting off I think I was having a conversation with the anesthesiologist about South Park, though I couldn't be certain.

When it was done, another perky lady helped me off the table and into a wheelchair, saying something about dance moves, I'm not sure, I was still coming out of the anesthesia. I had a gnarly caffeine headache, but it went away when I took my Vicodin.

BFF Jill brought me back to her house and I threw up as soon as we got out of the car. Probably less from the anesthesia and more from just being uncomfortable in the car for 20 minutes, but it passed quickly. Tried to sleep, writhed around in pain for a while, cried a bit, then finally took a Unisom just so I could fall asleep for a bit. (Funny thing about Vicodin, it doesn't really help that much with pain, and it certainly doesn't make me sleepy.) After sleeping for a few hours, I woke up feeling much better. We ate, watched some American Dad and Family Guy, and I called/texted/facebooked everyone to let them know I didn't die on the table.

Still hurting a bit, but that's normal. I would totally recommend the procedure, and my doctor, she's wonderful. Shout out to the gals from Optima who actually did treat me like a queen.

I'll be down for a couple of days. Just gonna rest and take it easy. Emily the Precious starts her new job tomorrow too, which is awesome.

Thanks for all your love and support and happy thoughts. There will be a candlelight vigil due to the fact that I can't have sex for 2 weeks. :)

Life is good.

2010-03-29T09:53:00.002-06:00

No really, it is!

I may not have everything I want in life, but I have everything I need.

Had a good weekend. Met my son's girlfriend, we had lunch. They are very cute together.

I'm helping Jill get one of their houses ready to sell. Which makes me sad because that means she really is leaving for Portland in the fall. It's all becoming very real. I'm gonna miss her like crazy.

Performed at Taste of the Islands Saturday nite. I wasn't on the schedule, but someone cancelled at the last minute. Luckily I was in the area, having just been to see Jill perfrom with the Motley Players at the Plano Children's Theater. Her show was good. Mine was ok. I wasn't really prepared, but I did fine. Got to hang out with some comedians that I actually like, and my son got to see two comedy shows in one night, and hang out with semi-famous people! My kids are so unaffected by it all.

Hung out with Jason last nite. We got drunk and went to open mic at Hyena's. I didn't go up. Wasn't really feeling it. Have a date with The Very Good Looking Ted tonite. Open mic on Tuesday, a show on Saturday, Hyena's the following weekend. Busy. Happy. Tired. Hungry. Happy Monday!

How Jenn Got Her Groove Back

2010-03-24T07:12:00.000-06:00

Step 1 – Buy awesome vehicle for personal transportation.

Step 2 – Delete all boys from my phone who fail the ‘Jenn 2-day Rule’*.

Step 3 – Meet cute 25 year-old at bar and take him home.

Step 1 - So yes, I am now the proud owner of a 2004 Honda Element. It’s pretty awesome. I feel very tall driving it. My friend Josh who died in 2008 drove one of these, so I have named my new Silver box “Joshua”.

I have not bought a car from a dealership in many years. The experience was much as I remembered it – unpleasant. But it all worked out. Mucho thanks to Jill for driving me around and helping me hound these salesmen. We actually had fun messing with their heads. And I got a good deal. All is well.

Step 2 - The ‘Jenn 2-day Rule’ – this rule applies to all boys in my life who have been, um, physically involved with me at one time or another, and it’s quite simple: if I call or text you, and you don’t respond within 2 days, you are deleted from my phone. I realize that I’m just a booty call to the majority of those effected, but geez, a little courtesy is all I ask. Is that too much? Apparently. Several boys’ numbers have been lost this year. (This method is also good for avoiding the dreaded ‘drunk texting’. I’m bad about that.)

Step 3 – Well, um, that’s kinda self-explanatory. But that’s how I roll. And I didn’t get his phone number.

Catsup.

2010-03-16T09:10:00.002-06:00

Hello bloggers. I hope this day finds you well. Ha, that was kinda funny. What? Nevermind.

So let’s catch up, shall we? Last week was pretty awful. It started off ok on Sunday. Had a good set at Hyena’s open mic, got to hang out with Jill, and then Jason came over to visit, we had a nice chat. It was a good nite. Monday was ok, but Tuesday morning I found myself unable to get out of bed. This pain I’m having is really taking its toll on me. It affects me not only physically, but emotionally as well. I have several days a month where I just feel worthless. And it doesn’t matter how many great things are going on in my life, I still feel like hell. And then I got a super sexy sinus infection on top of the pain, so that made for a really shitty week. I missed 2.5 days of work, and my boss was not happy. She’s very understanding, in spite of everything, but I realize that she just needs me to be there and be healthy. That’s really what we all want. Sometimes it’s hard to be so important. It’s a lot of pressure.

I started feeling better Saturday evening, thanks to Jill. She came over Friday and brought me medicine and chocolate and food. What a great friend she is. I began my Spring cleaning by tackling my closet. Yikes. I have a lot of crap that I don’t need, and a lot of clothes that I can’t wear anymore.

My friend Sean is staying with me for a little while. He’s had a bit of bad luck in the finances department, and I sure know how that can be, so I told him he could crash on my couch. It works out because he’s been kind enough to get me to some shows and to the grocery store when needed. My daughter isn’t too happy about it, but it’s only for a little while. I’ve been in his shoes, I couldn’t possibly have said no, especially when no one else was in a position to help him right now. Stupid economy.

We got pulled over for being white last nite. We were coming back from the grocery store around 10 PM when a lovely Dallas cop pulled us over. His registration is out on his car, but I’m not certain they actually saw that in the dark, and they weren’t behind us long enough to run his plate. In fact, I thought they were after someone else because they got up really close to the car to our right. But hey, we’re a couple of white folks, in a nice mustang, driving around in the hood after dark. Obviously, we were up to no good! We were approached on both sides of the car with the standard loud tap on the window. I get really nervous around cops. They make me feel like a criminal even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I get all over-talky and goofy and I look guilty. Sean started to freak because he wasn’t sure if he had an outstanding warrant on a speeding ticket. He did. But, thankfully, the cop who was driving was training his partner, so they just wrote him a ticket for the expired tag and told him to take care of the ticket . Phew. I was a bit freaked out and scared. Plus, if they had taken him to jail, how the hell would I have carried all of those groceries up 3 flights of stairs by myself? Lol. No, I’m not really like that. Well, maybe a little.

Oh, yeah, remember that guy I told you about who was so great and perfect for me? Um, yeah. He’s not so great afterall. At this point I’m not even surprised. There was only one thing standing in the way of our perfect relationship – his wife. Hmph. Same old story, he’s ‘in the process of getting a divorce’ – but they still live in the same house. I’m not down for that kind of drama. I deserve better. Fuck yes I do. Sigh.

So I remain single, as always. Jason and I are back in the ‘friend zone’, which is actually kinda cool, because as Jill pointed out, it’s nice that we can be friends and that he doesn’t just want me for a booty call. I like our friendship, I like hanging out with him. He’s funny and he makes me laugh. I met him on the night I returned to comedy in January of 2009, many months after my friend Josh’s death and my subsequent hiatus from, well, everything. I don’t want to say he’s ‘special’, but I’m glad to have him as a friend. I’m hoping that he’ll help me write my pilot. He can write, he’s good. We’ll see how it goes.

I’m happy with where I am in comedy, I'm very glad I got back to it last year. And I’m glad that I didn’t get where I am by ass-kissing, sleeping around or being a club owner’s lacky. I get booked because I’m funny, I’m easy to work with, I’m nice, and audiences of all kinds love me. That’s a damn good feeling.

I need to lose some weight. I’m ready to get serious about it again. I’m going to start walking a few nites a week, now that the weather isn’t blizzard-like. I like that I live close to the lake. I may even buy myself some roller skates and skate around the lake! But tonite, I’m making a very fattening, very delicious Beef Stroganoff. Yummy.

And, the best news of all – hopefully within the next 2 weeks, I will have a CAR! WOOT! I got my income tax refund. Uncle Sam was good to me this year. I have to pay some towards my surgery, take care of a few issues and get my license renewed, but after that, I’m ready to roll! How sweet will that be?

Oh, and my son finally got to see me perform in front of an audience at the ArtLoveMagic event on March 5th. Poor kid. He may never be the same.

I have shows every weekend starting March 27th. Check my website for locations and times, and come see me, why don’t you? Life is good. Good job, good jokes, good friends, great family. Love you all. Hugs and kisses!

Men. When will they stop being stupid?

2010-03-08T08:50:00.003-06:00

Dear male friend who hurt my very dear female friend:

I know you don't read this. And that's good. I'm going to yell at you in person, worry not. You are a tool, of the highest order. I don't know what else to say. I honestly thought you weren't like the other ridiculously immature and damaged men that we encounter so very often.

I'm so angry and so surprised that you're not what I thought you were. I'm picky in my selection of friends, espcecially of the male varitey. I don't understand what you were thinking. You fucking douche. Next time I see you, expect an unpleasant reception.

Women are such givers. We give til it hurts. And no matter how old we get, how educated we are, or how many times we've been through all of this before, we take a chance, and try again, and go through it all over. And it hurts. And it sucks.

But at least we keep trying. We don't give up, even though the outcomes are rarely what we hope for. We keep trying. We keep giving. And that's what makes us so damn special.

I don't think I could possibly be any angrier with this person. Even if I were the one on the receiving end of the deceit. I expect men to lie to me, to be deceitful and selfish and heartless. I expect it! How awful is that? But I hope for better things for and from my friends.

Fuck you, dude. Seriously.

Saturday, in the office

2010-03-06T07:14:00.001-06:00

No, it's not the 4th of July. And why is that song stuck in my head? I don't know. Keep up, people.

Thursday I did the showcase at Hyena's Arlington. Basically, it's an invitational open mic, and the audience gets to select their favorites for future opening and guest spots. However, since I've already been an opener, I wasn't eligible for the audience vote. But I got scheduled to do an opening weekend in April anyway! Squee!!! Come see me April 9th and 10th. 4 shows, two each nite. I'll be opening for Cesar Cervantes. And he's very funny. Although he hasn't been very nice to me. Oh well. I'll rock it out and do my thing as always.

But congrats to my friends Michelle, Jay and Larry, and new friend from Houston, Dan, for being the audience faves that nite. Very good choices all around, I would say. I met this kid, Dan Danzy when I was there. He's new to Dallas, just moved up from Houston. We know a lot of the same comedy people, so that was cool. He's super funny too. And, he raved about me on Facebook. I think I blushed a little. Hooray for new friends!

Did the ArtLoveMagic event last nite at It's a Grind. The reception was lukewarm. Not bad, not great. My closing joke was a killer, but they didn't seem to dig my dirty stuff. They can't all be gold. I'm still absolutely thrilled that they let me be a part of this. It's a wonderful group of people. My son was there. I'm not sure he'll be able to look me in the face for quite some time. Haha.

And can I just say that Jill, the most awesome chick in the world, continues to come to my shows, in spite of the fact that she pretty much loathes stand-up comedy? I can't blame her. After you sit through so many dick jokes, what's left to love? Well, me, apparently, and I appreciate your support, my friend. And you sat there and listened even though you felt like crap. Thank you. You rock and I love you.

So, the guy. Yeah, I met this guy, and he's pretty freaking awesome. He's 38, divorced, a teacher by trade, a poker player at nite. He's funny and smart and charming and, well, I'll stop there. He came to see me on Thursday nite, which may not be the best venue for a 'date'. I really couldn't sit down and talk to him much, as I was talking to, well, everyone else! I hadn't been out there in a a while. I think he was either impressed or intimidated by me. Hopefully a little both. But I told him that if he wants my undivided attention, he will have to take me on a proper date. So there. I'm kind of a big deal. :)

My surgery is scheduled for April 13th. Don't expect to hear much out of me that week. I should only be miserable for a few days. Cross your fingers. Can't say I'm looking forward to the procedure, but definitely looking forward to the results.

I'm off to play Wii with the residents at work today. They love some bowling. So do I. Then I think I'll do a little spring cleaning when I get home. My buddy Jason is back in town too. Maybe we'll hang out. Maybe I'll cook something amazing. Maybe we'll play some video games. Or watch a movie. Or listen to my awesome kids play guitar and sing. Maybe I'll stop babbling.

Maybe.

Caffeine Happiness

2010-03-01T10:15:00.003-06:00

Happy Monday, bloggers! Look how happy this coffee makes me. The perfect mint mocha, compliments of It's a Grind in Deep Ellum. I love that place. They actually bring your coffee to your table. Talk about service!

Amazing show on Saturday at Taste of the Islands. I've been deemed 'the best host ever'. Yeah. That's right. Cuz I freaking rock. I may be performing at every show they have now, the last Saturday of the month. I'll let you know.

I hate to jinx this...but you remember me saying I hope to meet a guy who's not a complete idiot douchebag? Well, I may have met him. No details for now, I'll make you wait, but I will say this - we are disturbingly compatible. All I really want is someone who 'gets' me. That's hard to find. So very hard. But if this goes as well as I'm hoping, I'll be gushing about it all soon enough.

I don't have much else to say for now really. Just happy to be here today. Stay dry.

Wow! I have nothing to say! Wait, yes I do.

2010-02-24T11:24:00.003-06:00

Howdy bloggers. Um, yeah. I really shouldn't write when I have PMS. I'm just sayin'. But everything I said about the contest is true, I stand by it. Fuck 'em. I have so many friends competing in this thing. I guess they can all just do their best, and hope for a few laughs.

I won't be covering the whole contest for the Examiner, since the Improv has effectively ignored my emails. I plan to attend the semi-finals and the final, and I'll write about the winners - and I'm doing this for the comics, not for the Improv. Again, they can kiss my ass.

Moving on. New pic. You like? This lady is such a great photographer, do check out her work:

http://dbird33.exposuremanager.com.

I did have some issues with my order, but she cleared it all up and was very nice about the whole thing.

My next two shows, in case you were wondering, are as follows:

Saturday, February 27th - Taste of the Islands in Plano.

$3 cover. Awesome menu. Come at 8 for dinner, show starts at 9.

Friday, March 5th - It's a Grind, Deep Ellum.

I'll be involved in yet another ArtLoveMagic event. And I couldn't be happier. :)

I am officially a part of their history now, being the first comedian to perform at one of their events. This is just the nicest bunch of folks you'd ever want to meet, and I'm eternally grateful to the awesome Jill for letting me tag along.

We're coming to the close of the second month of 2010. My 'dating' record for the month is at an all-time low, with only one this month. That's down from 3 in January. And why am I telling you this? lol. Still hoping to meet a decent guy who's not a douchebag. I'll let you know when that happens.

The bass player. Ugh. Speaking of douche bags....I finally told him to stop calling me. I told him that I didn't care about his problems anymore, particularly where they concern his love life, and that I have my own things to deal with right now. So of course, he ignored everything I said and called again the next day. Now I stop answering the phone. Maybe he'll get the hint.

That's it for now. My head hurts. Kthxbye.

And this is supposed to be funny?

2010-02-17T08:21:00.005-06:00

I'm venting today.

It seems we have our very own version of the scam known as "Last Comic Standing" right here in Dallas, in the form of the Improv's "Funniest Comic in Texas". I have a few problems with this, and I'll tell you why. (I wouldn't dare write about this on my Examiner page, for fear of being alienated by, um, people who don't pay any attention to me anyway, but I figure it's safe here as my readership is a bit lower!) I'm not participating in the contest, as I believe it's bullshit, and I don't need a contest to tell me I'm funny. The audiences who've seen and loved me tell me that. So here are my issues:

1. How can you have a "Funniest Comic in Texas" contest that only encompasses the D/FW area and Houston? And Houston, by the way, is hosting one whopping single show in the group of 30-plus shows that are coming up over the next several months. At the very least, they could have called it "Funniest Comic in North Texas", or something more fitting. What about Austin? San Antonio? Corpus? I know there are some damn funny people there! (It should be noted that South Texas has it's own version, dubbed, get this, "Funniest Person in South Texas". They get it, why can't we?) . I would do it differently. But they didn't ask me. Maybe the Improv could get together nationally and host something, and bring people from each state where they have a club in for a big, final competition. They have tons of clubs, and could work with other clubs in cities where they don't have a presence. I'm just sayin'.

2. I have heard from no less than 5 comics about their performance dates being changed, once for some, more than once for others. I'm sure they weren't the only ones. When you're trying to get people to come see you, it's difficult if they keep changing your date! Especially if you, as one friend of mine did, get bumped 3 months down the road. They are ridiculously unorganized. I put on a "Funniest Person in Dallas" contest in 2005, pretty much single-handedly, and there was no confusion, no drama, no moving people around unless they were ill or had an emergency. It went smoothly. Granted, I was only dealing with about 75-80 comics, compared to the 250+ that are in this one, but it's really not that hard to organize something like this if you know what you're doing. Apparently, they don't.

3. There are far too many 'heavy hitters' in this contest - i.e. professionals. Not that they should be excluded completely, but a newbie going up against a seasoned pro is like a high school football player trying to beat an NFL star. It ain't gonna be pretty. There should be different levels - amateur, semi-pro, and pro, and each gets a title. It's really not fair to put these new kids up against touring headliners.

4. I have this info from several credible sources - last year's contest was fixed. That's right, I said it. Fixed. I certainly don't begrudge the winner, because everyone in the Dallas comedy scene knows that Paul is funny, and we all love him. He's a good guy. But he received fewer votes to move forward than a lesser known comic, according to my sources, and the club manager made that go away. That's not right. I'm not saying the winner had any knowledge of this, but it's quite obvious that the Improv plays favorites, and that's just flat out unfair to all these comics who actually think they have a shot at winning this thing. Fuck that.

5. I contacted the Improv before the contest started, asking if they would support me in my coverage of the contest for The Examiner. No response. And not surprising.

To their credit, the voting process at the Improv is not what I thought it was going to be. Instead of everyone in the audience getting a vote, they are choosing random people who get the ballots. That way, if you stack the room with 20 people on your performance night, not all 20 are going to get a vote. That's actually much more fair than I expected.

But in the end, the Improv will choose their favorite, and it has little or nothing to do with how talented you are, or how funny you are. Apparently, it's all about who they like and who can kiss the most ass.

What's up?

2010-02-08T11:52:00.003-06:00

Good morning, all! Just a few blurbs and you can get back to your coffee.

The awesome Jill has made me a website. Yep, I have my very own page in the cyberworld! Check it, yo:

http://www.jennhoff.com/

Great weekend. Had a freaking fantastic show at ArtLoveMagic on Friday nite. I was the first comedian to ever perform at one of their events, and they loved me! Oh, it was so great. The folks who run it beamed like proud parents. It was quite extraordinary. Also, I was sober, and I only dropped the F bomb once! A milestone for Jenn Fucking Hoff! Oops, there it is again. They mentioned me in their blog here: http://artlovemagic.wordpress.com/

Watch for my Slam Book, coming soon. Jill and I are creating a home-made booklet of funny little things, including omelette and cake recipes, my hangover cure, and the Domestic Violence hotline number. (If you've seen my act, you'll understand. If not, why haven't you?) I'll be selling them for a buck at my upcoming shows.

Speaking of upcoming shows....I'm doing the "Momedy" Show at the Black Finn in Addison on February 18th. I'll probably also be back at Taste of the Islands in Plano at the end of the month. (Last Saturday, I'll let you know for sure.)

Had lunch with the very tall, the very good looking Ted on Saturday. (My daughter says he is the best looking guy she's ever seen me with, lol.) We met back in November but have both been super busy since and haven't gotten together. He says that he thinks I like being single, and he expects that I will stay that way. I think he's right. I do love being single. Men require too much time and attention. A boyfriend would intrude on my alone time, my space, my freedom. And we just can't have that.

Love you all and thanks for reading!

Coffee and Comedy

2010-02-04T15:32:00.002-06:00

Howdy folks! I am super psyched and honored to be performing at the ArtLoveMagic event tomorrow nite in Deep Ellum at It's a Grind Coffee House! Freaking sweet. Show starts at 7:30 PM. As far as I know, I'll be the only comedian going up. The other performers include musicians and poets. What a cool deal. And they make an awesome mint mocha.

Also, if you haven't subscribed to my Examiner page, why the hell not? It's free, and you'll only get an email when I post a new article. Do it. Please. Don't make me beg. Here's my latest:

http://www.examiner.com/x-35781-Dallas-StandUp-Comedy-Examiner~y2010m2d1-Funniest-Comic-in-Texas-2010-kicks-off-February-9th-at-the-AddisonArlington-Improv-Comedy-Clubs

Odds and Ends

2010-02-01T16:20:00.003-06:00

My daughter came storming into my room yesterday morning, very angry with her boyfriend. She was upset that he's not sympathetic to her, in any situation.

"Sweetie, men who are sympathetic to women are called 'homosexuals'."

She said, "But I don't want to date a gay guy!"

Ha. Me neither.

The awesome Jill texted me yesterday and gave a perfect explanation for my perpetual singleness:

"I know what the problem is. You're so gorgeous that you scramble men's brains and make them stupid....but not quite enough to render them speechless."

LMAO.
If only I could find a hot, mute guy. Yeah.

They like me. They really like me.

2010-02-01T08:44:00.002-06:00

Happy Monday and good morning, all. I'm tired today, as I worked on Saturday, but no worries.

Let's see what's happening in JennWorld. Had a great show in Plano Saturday nite at Taste of the Islands. I had 15 people show up to see me. Freaking sweet! I didn't know I had that many friends! Surprise! It was awesome. Jill was there. My nieces came. A couple of the MPIII people. Several co-workers. A couple of friends who brought other friends. It was pretty freaking amazing.

It was a good show. Everyone had a good set, and the place was packed! (Thanks to my friends, mostly.) The guy who headlined stiffed me on the money, but hey, we all know I don't do comedy for the money, right? lol.

Haven't heard from my favorite boy in 4 weeks. I'm a little worried. I'm sure he's fine. Bass player called me this weekend. He was actually sober for a change. I think I'm done with both of them.

This will be the year that I meet someone who's not a complete tool. Seriously. I have high hopes. (Remind me of this positive attitude in December when I still haven't met anyone worth mentioning.)

Oh, and my nieces think I should get back together with my ex-husband. That's sweet. And always an option.

My medical stuff - I've been diagnosed with Endometriosis. I need to have surgery, but I have to come up with $1000 before they will do it. Fucking ridiculous. I'm not ready for the 'big H', so I'm having a simpler procedure done called 'ablation', which will only take me down for a couple of days, much to the happiness of my boss. In the meantime, my doc won't call me in anything stronger than Tylenol #3 for pain, and that makes me vomit. Thankfully, the doctor's group I work with at my job called in something for me, and I think I'm gonna be fine until the surgery, which won't happen until mid-March. I am very thankful for these people and these meds!

That is all for now. Please drive through.

Busy. Just busy.

2010-01-19T10:52:00.006-06:00

I have 3 articles/reviews up on The Examiner now. Woohoo! I've made four whole dollars. Sweet. Please subscribe to me. Please. Pretty please. Thanks.

http://www.examiner.com/x-35781-Dallas-StandUp-Comedy-Examiner

I was seriously going to be less promiscuous this year. But it's only January and I've already slept with 3 people. Oops. So much for new year's resolutions.

Here's some random pics and stuff. I reviewed Jill's improv troupe and helped her with a yard sale over the weekend. I'm tired and busy and would love to give you lots of details. I will when I have more time. Love ya, mean it.

Pocket surfing

2010-01-13T11:38:00.002-06:00

My daughter took it upon herself to rifle through the pockets of my overnight guest from the other night. He had left his jacket in the living room, and she was trying to find out who it was, since she wasn't at home when he arrived.

She found a book of matches from a strip club.
"Oh, it must be Jason."

LMAO.
Normally I would discourage my children from such things, but I actually thought it was funny.
She kept the matches, by the way. I wonder if he missed them on his trip back home?

Some links, for your enjoyment

2010-01-13T11:04:00.002-06:00

My first article went up yesterday. Here's a link:

http://www.examiner.com/x-35781-Dallas-StandUp-Comedy-Examiner~y2010m1d12-Open-Mic-Comedy--Where-Dreams-go-to-Dieor-try-to-get-on-life-support

And another wonderful link for you....Tom Roche, one of the Brits who I had the pleasure of hanging out with before New Year's, wrote a blog about his experience with American comedy - and he mentioned me! I feel so special!

http://www.cloudcomedy.co.uk/#/tomroche/4537535888

Holy article writing, Batman!

2010-01-12T12:34:00.002-06:00

I have officially been accepted as a contributor for the Examiner online. I'm going to be writing about local comedy, reviewing shows, that sort of thing. Very exciting!!!

www.examiner.com

Working out the details, I'll let you know when my page is up and my first article is published!

Squeeeee!!!!!!

Best. Weekend. Ever.

2010-01-11T10:55:00.002-06:00

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you all had a fab weekend. I know I did! Seriously, was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Friday, the awesomeness that is Jill picked me up from work and we went to dinner and an art show in Deep Ellum. Our friend Sean joined us there too. We're getting involved with this group called ArtLoveMagic, they do a lot of local art and music stuff and we're hoping to do some comedy shows with them. It was a lot of fun, and I even ran into some folks from the hippie drum circle who I hadn't seen in a year! Way cool. Met a cute boy with a mohawk. Hehe. He 'friended' me on Facebook.

Then I went out with my crazy buddy Joel afterwards and we watched an 80's cover band at this dive bar near downtown. Was a hoot. Got home at 3 AM.

Saturday was a great cleaning day early on, then I hung out with a new friend which was fun. Bill and I went to see Jim Norton at the Addison Improv, and I totally got to pull the "I'm a comic" thing and get in free. Really made me feel like a rock star. And a couple of my buddies were opening and featuring for Norton, so I felt even more important! I freaking love it. I'm kind of a big deal.

We hooked up with Joel afterwards and went back to that crazy little bar on Live Oak. Different crowd this time, more of a punk scene, which I loved. Met a very tall 25 year old boy. He's 6'7". Holy crap. It hurt my neck to look up at him so I made him sit down to chat. We all went back to my place and crashed after watching a few episodes of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

Sunday Jason texted me out of the blue that he was in town again, so he came over and we had a fun evening. He stayed over and drove me to work this morning. Emily saw his coat in the living room and told me this morning, "They're not supposed to stay over, mom!" Haha. They usually don't. But I told her it was 'just Jason'. She knows him, so it was sortof ok.

Back to work today. Tired but happy. May hit Dyer Street open mic tonite.

Funny things mis-read

2010-01-07T12:12:00.000-06:00

I was walking down the street a few weeks ago, and I saw a scrolling sign above me that said:

"JOIN THEY"

Hmm. Who is 'they', exactly? And why would I want to join them? Are 'they' a crazy, fanatical relgious cult that will make me wear Nikes and sweatpants and drink poison punch? Or perhaps 'they' are a street gang who want to initiate me in the worst and most intimate of ways? What the hell is "THEY"?

Then I realized it said, "JOIN THE Y" - as in the YMCA.

A sign on the side of the road:

"Horse for sale; worth $150, 000, selling for $85,000. Needs repairs."

Well that must be one exeptionally awesome horse! Perhaps a relative of Mr. Ed? Could there be a talking horse? And what kind of repairs, exactly, would a horse require?

The sign actually said HOUSE for sale.
But it was way funnier when I thought it said 'horse'.

I wish I could write songs

2010-01-07T10:19:00.003-06:00

This is, in my opinion, the most brilliant song written by Alanis Morrissette. I love it. It says so much to me. It IS me. Sort-of. Emphasis added is mine, of course.

"Not the Doctor"

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air

I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

Brand new year, same old stuff

2010-01-05T09:54:00.010-06:00

Well, not really.

Good morning and Happy New Year, blog groupies! I have to say, 2009 was a pretty good year, so I have high hopes for twenty-ten. What happened in '09 in Jenn World:

Heart breaks: 5 (but only 2 were harsh)

Relationships ruined and blamed on me: 3

Road trips: 2

Guys who say they don't want to see me anymore but keep coming back anyway: 3

And of those who keep coming back, the ones I actually want to see: 1

Comedy shows: Many, and all were good but one.

In spite of my current physical issues, I've had some fun over the last week. Last Wednesday some Brit friends who were in town for a wedding came to see my at Hyena's. Also, my New Zealand guy who I hadn't talked to in almost a year came out and watched as well. I had a good set and I was thrilled that I had so many awesome people there to cheer me on! It does get old performing in front of comedians week after week.

The Brits commented to me about how misogynistic and sexist the comics here in Dallas are on stage. And all this time I thought it was just me thinking that they were all assholes. Nah. It's true, they really are. That's one of the reasons I keep waffling about quitting comedy. It's hard to do it in this town and be taken seriously - ha, that's funny, a comedian wants to be taken seriously - but you know what I mean. But it was very helpful for me to hear from other people what I've thought all along.

Over the weekend I got to hang out with Bron from England and my buddy Jill, and we had a blast. We went roller skating, ate Sprinkle's cupcakes and vegetarian food, and went to some funky little vintage resale shops. So much fun!

My favorite boy is back. I knew he would be. And neither of us were really surprised that I didn't stick to my guns and say no to him. He's still my favorite, and after my one whole day of being sad about him getting a 'real' girlfriend, I'm ok again with our 'relationship' the way it is. She decided to put him in the 'friend zone'. I'm a little sad for him, honestly. I was hoping this would work out for him. But I'm happy to have him back for a bit. I told him that at some point, he must get out of his comfort zone, and I will have to let him go for real. But for now, we'll both take the comfort. No harm in that. I am quite fond of him, even though we both know it's all still temporary. And I still believe fully that he will find the right girl and have a great life. I just hope he finds someone half as cool as me. That'll be hard to do. I am pretty awesome. What a lucky guy he is to have me around. :)

My quote for this year is thus: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” (This goes for both of us, in case you're reading this.)

I'm going in for ultrasound and testing next week to determine whether or not I need surgery. Cross your fingers for me.

Hope you all are doing well and having a good New Year so far. :)

Last entry for 2009

2009-12-30T07:13:00.001-06:00

And I wish I had something interesting or slightly funny to say, but I don't.

The Christmas holiday was nice. I got a new vacuum and a toaster, and I've probably gained somewhere around 15 pounds in the last few months. Ugh.

Sometimes 4 days off in a row is too much. But I'm doing it again this week.

Having some pretty major girlie problems. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say, it's a bit of a miracle that I'm actually at the office today. The pain is enormous and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I'm going to see a specialist next week.

Bron is in town from jolly old England, so I get to hang out with her and Jill and Mr. New Zealand tonite. Fun! I'll be drinking. It should help the pain a bit. And maybe my attitude.

Nothing to report on the man front. Oh, many of them still call or send me messages, but I've temporarily lost interest in men. I haven't had sex in over 3 weeks. That's gotta be some kind of record for me. And I'm not complaining.

I've finally decided what I want to write my book about, so I'm working on that. Yay for new projects! I may be giving up comedy, I haven't decided completely. I'll let you know. It's just not as much fun as it used to be.

Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and let's tear it up in 2010. Yeah.

It's beginning to look a lot like Stupid.

2009-12-23T08:38:00.003-06:00

I suppose that's why I'm a comedian. I can usually find funny where there is none, or at least, where there shouldn't be any.

Highlights of this week before Xmas....

* Remember last month, I told you about my friend whose wife said I was 'dead' to him? Well now she has my email address and is sending me some lovely messages. Ahh, a little jealousy and hatred, just in time for the holidays! She's still under the ridiculous impression that I want to steal her husband. Trust me, I don't. I've had a couple, didn't like them much. Why would I want another used one?

* My ex, the King of the Douches, did have a girlfriend. (Funny, I asked him about it and he lied to me and told me he was referring to his new cat. I don't think that man will ever be able to tell anyone the truth about anything. OMG what a fucking moron.) But, the girlfriend, not the cat, dumped him recently, and apparently it was because of - ME.

Are you fucking serious? ME?

Who knew I was such a homewrecker? Especially without having to date or have sex with either of these men. My skills are way madder than ever!

Oh I'm so fucking over all of this.

*Last nite, "I'll let you suck it" called. He never calls just to chit-chat, he calls either 1) To tell me that he's coming to town, or 2) to tell me that he's in town. So, he was in town. He kept hinting around about being bored and having nothing to do, blah blah blah, apparently awaiting an invitation. But I'm so full up on grumpyness and bahhumbugdom that I wasn't in the mood to 'hang out' with him. So he finally asked if he could come over. I sighed and said, "Yeah, but I don't feel like shaving my legs."

That was fine, he said, as he had been masturbating so much that he wasn't quite sure he'd be able to get it up anyway.

TMI.

So we watched a DVD and kept our clothes on. A good decision all the way around.

Merry fucking Christmas, y'all. I'm done. I'm over it. 2010 is gonna rock for me, I just know it.

Of cats and birds of prey

2009-12-17T07:42:00.001-06:00

When did I become such a bleeding heart? I guess I always have been, but who knew I would take the death of an animal so hard. I would say that I care more about animals than people, but that wouldn't explain why I do the job that I do, so I suppose I just *care*.

I've been taking care of a semi-stray cat at work. She's absolutely gorgeous, with stunning light blonde and brown colors and a big fluffy tail. I say 'semi-stray' because she looks very well-kept for an outside, homeless cat. I feed her every morning and she mews at me, lets me scratch her head, rubs on my leg, and, on occasion, allows me to pick her up. I put a box outside with old towels in it for her to sleep in on these cold nites. She's very friendly with people, and she's become good buddies with a couple of the residents' weenie dogs, following them on their walks and playing with them. It's all very adorable. I'd very much like to find a home for her, so if you know anyone, let me know. She would make a great pet, and a fabulous Christmas gift!

Yesterday, a large hawk flew into one of the windows at the building and injured himself severely. I made a dozen or so calls, trying to find someone to rescue the poor bird. Do you know how damn hard it is to find an agency that will rescue a wild bird in this town? Well, lemme tell ya, it's damn near impossible. Myself and a couple of other folks contacted every agency we could think of, and finally we were referred to a Wildlife Rescue group. Unfortunately, they are staffed strictly with volunteers, and no one was on hand to come and aid the hawk. We also contacted the City of Dallas animal control. Yeah, that's a good idea. Hmph. I went outside, gave him some water, we put some leaves and things around him to try and keep him warm, but to no avail. By the time some idiot from the city showed up, he was dead. And I felt just awful.

I don't even know what I'll do if I ever encounter a dead person, or have to watch someone die. It killed me to watch that bird suffer.

O.M.G.

2009-12-15T07:24:00.000-06:00

Wow. My trend of always expecting the worst of people continues to serve me well.

The Colorado guy is out. We had so much in common, and then he asked me if his hatred of blacks and Jews was a deal breaker.

Um, yes, you racist, ignorant piece of shit. Yes it is.

Sigh.

Had a long talk with the bass player the other day. And I still don't quite know where his head is at. Figures.

I have one final hope in the man department. In addition to immature musicians and men of the Aryan Brotherhood persuasion, I've been chatting with a very nice fellow from San Marcos. So far, he doesn't appear to be married, a bigot, or a complete idiot. But, as always, time will tell. He's more together than the majority of men I encountered on the various dating sites. He's currently working on his Masters in Biology, so at least he's not stupid. He's a few years older than me and all of his kids are grown and off to college. He's quite adorable to boot. That's never a bad thing. But if this one doesn't work, I'm giving up the search for a while and retreating. My white flag is at the ready.

Ugh

2009-12-11T08:51:00.002-06:00

I had a dream last nite that I slept with Fred Armisen, of SNL.

Not Johnny Depp. Not Henry Rollins. Nope. Fred Armisen.

Even my dreams aren't very ambitious.

It's been a weird week at work. Two deaths, a beating and public masturbation. Ahh, it's the life at assisted living.

Happy freaking Friday, all. I'll be drinking heavily for the next two days. Peace.

Pardon me?

2009-12-10T09:41:00.004-06:00

"Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of this world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me... I'll never be the same." - Incubus

For the love of baby jebus and all that is holy, this has been the strangest week.

Men. Are. Idiots.
I love you guys, I really do, but damn. You're ridiculous.

On Monday, all was wrong with the universe when not only did I lose my favorite boy, but I also discovered that my ex, the King of all Douches, has a girlfriend. Really? HE has a girlfriend? The man who hit me, the man who was emotionally disconnected and detached for 2.5 years, the man who constantly talked to several other women while we were together and told them all that I meant nothing to him?
THAT GUY? Remember him? Yeah.

Now, I have to say, it's not jealousy that is raising its ugly head. It's just - damn - how can someone so undeserving find someone and I'm stuck with no one?

To my daughter's credit, her explanation was thus: He will settle for whatever he can get, and I'm better than that, and I'm holding out for someone wonderful.

My daughter is right. But it's still a little jarring.

In other news of the strange - as mentioned previously, my favorite boy was asking me for advice on the new girl in his life. And I was cool with that. But last nite, the bass player, who is a gignatic idiot, was doing the same.

Oh my god! Ok, you guys, I get it! I mean nothing to you but I'm great for advice and bj's! I freaking get it already!! But I'm not Dr. Phil or Dear Abbey! And let's not forget that I am A GIRL - I'm NOT one of the guys! Seriously.

Thing is, he was just testing his boundaries, and checking to see if I'm still interested. He said something so weird, so stupid, that I laughed for a good half hour - he said that he's more into me now than he was a couple of months ago.

And I explained to him why that is - it's because I'm not into him anymore, so suddenly I'm so much more appealing. He didn't agree. But he's an idiot.

Of course, he didn't want to hear about my recent 'break-up', or mutual parting, whatever you want to call it. He's bothered by the idea that I could possibly have someone else in my life. LOL. He's the one who told me that he would not be at all bothered if I had a boyfriend. I guess he lives under the delusion that I'm just sitting here, waiting for him to nut up and tell me that he really does love me. (And he would have to be sober for me to believe it.)

He is totally in love with me - he's been 'googling' me and looking at my pictures - but he'll never admit how he feels about me, and I told him that all previous offers were off the table. We can be friends, but my appeal would of course decline if I were to be as into him again as I once was.

Idiots. All of you.

I've deleted all of my dating site profiles. But before I did, I connected with this one awesome guy in Colorado. We've been talking a lot, exchanging pics, etc. At least I know someone is thinking about me in a positive way. (Besides you, Curt. lol. Have I mentioned how happy I am for you and Gina? Consider it mentioned again.) He's pretty freaking cool, all around. We seem to have made a really good connection so far, which is weird for me, but I'll take it for now. When or if we ever get to meet is up in the air, but expanding my search outside of my Texas comfort zone can't be that much of a bad thing. Can it?

Coffee?

2009-12-09T15:24:00.001-06:00

Me, to my son: "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

My son, to me: "Would you like a glass of piss?"

My kids amuse me.

Oh, it's another day.

2009-12-08T12:04:00.003-06:00

Good morning!

In case you all were worried, just want you to know I'm feeling great today. It's a new day. Yeah, I cried a little yesterday, and felt a little silly for it, but I'm over it. Selfish tears, of course. Just for losing something that I've been so comfortable with, not because I think it's the end of the world. (And god knows I wouldn't want him thinking I'm all sad and upset over the whole thing, because I'm seriously not.)

I do bounce back pretty well most of the time.

The thing is, I'm awesome.

I'm adorable and funny and hot, in some opinions, and nice and fun to be with, and some amazing guy will come along and realize these things and not be able to live without me.

This will happen for me. I know it. And it's really about time I thought about things in a long-term sort of way. It's happiness all around, for everyone.

Damn, I'm feeling groovy today, y'all. And thanks for your concern. :)

And then there were none

2009-12-07T08:25:00.008-06:00

Good morning, blog fans. Things haven't been going my way lately. I'm sure all will turn around but it's hard to see it from here. I suddenly find myself as close to alone as I've been in a long time.

Last nite, Italian boy told me that he has a girlfriend - or at least what he hopes will turn into a girlfriend. And I have to admit I'm a little sad. Even more than a little, and I feel stupid for it. *

We've been hanging out since September 2008 - that's a long damn time for a booty call. But we always knew that this was never going anywhere, the age thing being a huge factor, and we always just wanted the other person to be happy in the long run.

I just hoped it would be me to find someone first.

I wasn't in love with him. We had a lot of fun together and he was my favorite boy in my, um, repertoire. He always got the best of me, which is why I was always better than a 'real' girlfriend. He never had to deal with my day-to-day drama, my life, my work, my kids, my craziness, and he never had to see me when I had the flu. And I also never had to deal with any of his drama. It was a pretty great thing we had.

He told me all about her. The look in his eyes when he talked about her told me that she is 'the one'. He wanted my advice, my approval, if you will, which sounds a little weird, but he respects my opinion and experience.

I told him not to be an idiot, and not to fuck it up with her.

But he's a man, so of course he's an idiot. They've been friends for several months, and he's fallen for her over time. But here's how stupid he is - because she says they're 'just friends', he actually showed her the text message I sent to him yesterday telling him I wanted to see him. (And that's not exactly what it said, but I'm not sharing the exact wording. Let's just say that it was slightly graphic in its request.)

Why are men so clueless? He said that she was amused, but you know and I know that now I'm the crazy bitch she thinks she's competing with.

But there's no competition here. She's 26 years old. Very much closer to his age, and someone with whom he will have the chance to share a long and wonderful life. Of course, she won't have my amazing skills, and he's a little worried about that, but she's young, she can learn. (I should look into teaching a blow job class. Seriously. But I digress.) And even though I'm sad that I won't get to see him anymore - and I seriously am not going to see him anymore - I am happy for him, and have no regrets.

And no, sweetie. I won't be waiting around for you when or if things don't work out. Because if you do what I told you, it will work out. Trust me. Dont' be stupid.

So good luck, Chris, you adorable, beautiful, amazing 31 year old. You've kept me entertained for a long time and I'm glad for the time we had together. Go get married and have a bunch of cute little babies. And send me pictures, because I bet they'll look just like you. :)

I'll miss you.

(*I'm fine, really. Nothing stupid about being a human, right? And I think it's ok for me to be a girl sometimes. I just don't ever let them see it.)

Man(up)Date

2009-12-03T07:28:00.000-06:00

Wow, I am a slacker of some great proportions, eh?

Well, let's see what's happening in Jenn-land this week.

Turkey day was ok. My mother attended Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in 10 years. She's always had to work, but since she retired this year, I forced her to be a part of the festivities. We had the gathering at my oldest daughter's place, and my mom got to see firsthand what a little bitch she can be.

(I'm not saying I don't love my daughter. You faithful readers know that I adore my children. But my firstborn has always been my mother's 'favorite' for some reason, but after seeing her in action, I think she's moved down on that list a notch or two.)

We ate a lot of food. I drank some alcoholic beverages to make it thru the day. All was well.

Ok, so in the man department, let's see what's up.

Had a great first date with this guy I met on the dating site a couple of weeks ago. I totally 'rulesd' him and I thought we might have something. We had a second date the Friday after Thanksgiving. I gave it up. He hasn't called since.

Sigh.

The bass player called me on Saturday morning and told me that he loved me. I told him to snap out of it and stop fucking with my head.

Sigh.

The 27 year old - of "I'll let you suck it" fame, texted me out of the blue on Thanksgiving nite. Yes, I let him come over. Yes, I'm an idiot. Haven't heard from him since either.

Sigh.

Saturday nite I got texts from Mr. New Zealand, who I hadn't heard from in months, and Italian boy, who I was too busy to see. I was having a girl's nite with Jill, which was so much better than meaningless sex with men who don't care anything about me.

We saw "Precious" and I cried for 2 days.

I deleted my profile on the dating site. Found another, set up a profile. Getting about 50 messages a day from unattractive, uninteresting men who just want to see my boobs.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Here's a tip: Don't write a dating site profile when you have PMS. Just sayin'.

My head hurts and I need something that I don't have and I'm not sure what that is.

He said, he said

2009-11-23T07:46:00.001-06:00

As we come to the end of yet another year, I thought it would be fun to highlight some of the more ridiculous things that have been said to me by various men this year.

"When I move out of my parents' house, you can come to my place!"

"If I were 45, I'd totally be in love with you."

"I can't be around you when you're doing comedy. You get too much attention."

"Can I fuck your roommate?"

"Are they real?"

"Sorry I didn't tell you that I'm married, but hey, I'm a guy."

"Would you consider gaining back the weight you lost?"

"Go hit on that guy. I'll sit here and watch."

"So, do you own a strap-on?"

"Call me Daddy."

"I can't talk to you right now, I'm headed out on a date."

And my very favorite...."I'll let you suck it."

I could add to this list later, but that's a fun start. :)

I'm not dead and neither are the squirrels....

2009-11-19T07:42:00.000-06:00

Good morning all. Ugh. I think I need another vacation.

An old friend of mine called me the other nite. I hadn't heard from him in almost a year! Apparently his wife told him he was not to talk to me anymore. She said I was officially dead to him.

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

I wonder how I died in her head? In some fiery, painful way no doubt.

I wasn't trying to steal her husband, we truly are just friends. And I warned him on several occasions that, no matter how cool a woman says she is with her husband/boyfriend/whatever having female friends, eventually jealousy is gonna raise its ugly head. He didn't believe me. And now I'm dead. Another 'told you so' moment for Jenn. :)

Yesterday my co-worker and I saved 2 baby squirrels from certain death. They had fallen out of their nest and were freezing on the parking lot ground, so we gathered them up (wearing gloves, of course) and made little leaf nests for them in the bushes. I went to check on them later and they were gone. I'd like to think that their mommy found them and took them home. Please don't burst my bubble and say that they were eaten by a cat. Thanks.

I went to open mic last nite. My confidence is back and I'm ready to start hitting it again. And to my surprise and delight, the guy who was running it has been dismissed, and a really great guy is taking over. I couldn't be happier about the change.

And I'll leave you with the "Douche Moment of the Week":

I was supposed to meet this guy from the dating site. I texted him to confirm the time and all. He texted back: "I'll have to call you tomorrow, I'm on my way to a date."

Um, yeah. No need to call me tomorrow, or any other day. Idiot.

Off to work and my stressful day. Love ya, mean it. :)

And I ran, I ran so far away.....

2009-11-12T07:21:00.000-06:00

Jill made me run last nite.

And I liked it.

Weird.

I know I need to exercise more, so I'm getting back to the gym today. I have no dellusions of running a marathon, but I can at least run enough to get in better shape. Tread mill, here I come. Look out.

The dating site. Ugh. So far, one guy looks promising. The rest are ridiculous. One called me a 'silly goose' when I told him I don't like online chatting. How gay is that? Another is a big fat ugly old looking chef. Sure, he can cook, but I wouldn't be able to eat and look at him at the same time. And another guy says he's 5'3" - which in reality means he's 4'11". Sigh.

Death and moving on

2009-11-10T08:23:00.002-06:00

One of our patients died over the weekend. He was a cantankerous old man, cranky and mean most of the time. He had been a doctor - a psychiatrist - in his younger days. At his late stages of life, he had basically lost his mind. His memory was gone, and he required almost constant care. But he always remembered my name. Always. Even without looking at my name badge. I attribute that mostly to my boobs. Which just goes to show you - no matter how old a man gets, or how much his mind has gone, he NEVER forgets boobs.

I set up a profile on a dating site yesterday. I don't really know why. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, but mainly I just want to see what's out there. As soon as I hit 'submit' to enter my profile into their vast database, my phone buzzed. It was the bass player, texting me. Does he have great timing or what? Awesome. His message was, "I'm not doing good, is it too late?" I knew that he wasn't referring to the time of day, so I wrote back, "Too late for what?" A few minutes later he called, crying, telling me how he wanted to be here with me and that he wanted to call me a million times but didn't know what to say and that he still had so many things to tell me and did I think his car would make it to Dallas?

Sigh.

I sure pick em well, don't I?

Within a few minutes of submitting my profile on the dating site, I started to receive messages. The first one was thus:
"I wish you didn't smoke."
Um, well, I do. Did you think that by saying this I would take one look at your profile and put down the cigarettes for good, in favor of your undying and unconiditional love?
Get over yourself, dude.
I didn't respond, but after looking at his profile, I should have said, "I wish you weren't fat and bald, but wish in one hand...."

Jim Norton is awesome.

2009-11-09T08:15:00.004-06:00

Went to Houston to see Jim Norton at the Improv Saturday nite. I doubt that I'll ever take a road trip with my buddy Bill again, as he's a bit of a douche when it comes to who should pay for what. But the show was great. Norton is amazingly funny. I had moments where I almost fell out of my seat laughing. He signed my chest, hahahaha! He was totally cool, signing autographs and taking photos after the show.

Also, the girl who opened for him was someone I knew from when I started doing comedy at the Laff Stop in Houston. She was a waitress at the comedy club and had been doing open mics for about a year when I started. Now she lives in New York and travels with Jim Norton, all over the country. She remembered me and it was great to see her and talk about comedy. It inspired me to get back out there and stop being such a whiny little bitch.

Blog Wars and shitty open mics

2009-11-05T08:25:00.007-06:00

Hey y'all. Good morning and stuff.

That was quite a robust discussion yesterday, eh? But overall, I love that you guys, ALL of you, read my stuff, and I also love when you make comments, so keep doing it!

Maybe I should write 'The Rules for Booty Calls'. At least that's something I know and understand. Hmm. More on this later.

I'm trying to get back my comedy nerve, so I've gone to the Hyena's open mic for the last two Wednesdays. I haven't gotten onstage, I just went to hang out and gauge my comfort level.

Last nite was a classic example of how NOT TO RUN AN OPEN MIC. So let's start with those rules:

*DO NOT start the thing after 9 Pm on a weeknite. Most of us have jobs to go to the next morning. (Yes, I said 'most'. Myself, for example. And my buddy Ross, who has to get up at 4 AM for work. Crazy!)

*DO NOT make the first two hours a headliner extravaganza! 10 comics (local pros and headliners) took up the entire open mic for nearly two hours, leaving the rest of us to beg for 3 minutes while we watched as the audience filed out and went home. By 11:15 I had already decided NOT to even try.

It's not fair to give those guys as much time as they want, and leave the rest of us to fight over the remaining 30 minutes of the nite. Seriously. I've been doing this long enough that I shouldn't even be limited to three minutes - especially seeing as how the guy running it doesn't know what he's doing. That shouldn't be my problem, or anyone else's for that matter.

If you have 30 or more comics show up to participate at an open mic, then you do what you can to make sure everyone gets a few minutes. At 2.5 hours, EVERYONE can have 5 minutes. But if you give 2 hours to 10 people...well, you do the math. It doesn't compute.

*If you see there's someone who shows up, every week, to every open mic, is always on time, or BRINGS PEOPLE, etc., then give that person a better fucking spot. Seriously. Case in point: There was a first-timer there last nite who brought at least 5 people. And when did he get to go up? Dead last. It would have been a better move to put him up in the first 15 or so.

OH my god it's so frustrating...

Also: It's a fucking OPEN MIC. It's a venue for EVERYONE - not just headliners and pros - to work out new material. I understand wanting to make it a good show, but that doesn't mean putting all the pros up first! You mix it up. A pro, a new guy, a couple of pros, an opener, a couple of newer people, a feature, etc. You alternate so that the audience doesn't expect every single person after the first 10 they've seen to be a professional who's gonna kill! Fucking ridiculous.

And as a club manager, don't you want the audience to stay and drink for the entire evening? If you put only your best people up first, the audience is gonna leave when those sets are done. It's exhausting to sit thru, to be honest. But if you alternate the line-up, and put some of the 'pros' closer to the end, you at least ensure that those people who came to see a specific comic are going to stay for more of the show.

That's my rant for the day. Maybe I'll actually do my 3 minutes next week. At least I got to see my Italian boy. The hi-lite of the evening, fo sho, even if he did cut off all of his beautiful hair. Sigh. Why don't they consult me on these things?

Da Rules

2009-11-03T07:38:00.001-06:00

So my friend Jill, who is all kinds of awesome, and pretty much my only female friend, gave me a book for my birthday.

It's called "The Rules."

What might these 'rules' be, you ask? Well, these are the 'rules' on dating, and how to attract and snag the man of your dreams, and ultimately get him to propose marriage.

Hmph.

After reading every chapter, some even twice, it has become quite apparent to me that I've been doing this ALL WRONG my WHOLE LIFE.

But why should this be a surprise to any of us, as I sit here eternally single and pining away over someone who's completely wrong for me and frankly doesn't give a shit if I live or die?

The Rules are slightly old-fashioned: Don't talk to a man first; don't call men; don't put out on the first date. Of course, even if they are old-fashioned, they certainly do make a lot of sense. The basic premise is that you have to play "hard to get" - not impossible, just hard. Be mysterious. Don't take the lead. Let him be, well, the man. He must be the one to approach you, call you, plan the date, pick you up, and pay for the date. You must never approach him first, call him for any reason, aside from the occasional return phone call, never pay for the date, and never, ever, EVER meet him halfway. If he wants to see you, he will go to all the trouble to make it happen. And that's how it should be. I am worth the time and effort, and men like a challenge. Well, that's what the book says. They like to be the one who pursues, and by approaching them first and asking them out, you totally take that way from them.

They even suggest setting a timer when you do take his calls. Ten minutes. That's all he gets. Why? Because it leaves him wanting more of you. They need to know that you're busy, that you have a life, and that you're not sitting around waiting for them to call. I actually practiced this on the bass player when he kept calling me, over and over. When I finally took his call, I gave him 7 minutes, and ended the call abruptly. It felt pretty damn good. Not that I expect this to work on him, as I'm convinced that he is a lost cause. But I need to practice on every guy I possibly can.

And seeing as how I've done the exact opposite of what "The Rules" suggest, with no success, perhaps it's time for me to start trying it "The Rules Girls" way.

So guys, let me hear from ya. I won't be calling you. :)

So, yeah. The date.

2009-11-02T07:15:00.000-06:00

Good morning blog buddies. I hate Mondays. I mean, like, really. I feel weird with the time change. I know I gained an extra hour, but I feel like I lost 5. Oh, that's right. I did.

On that date.

Ugh.

Can I just meet a guy who's not weird, creepy, old, dumb, strange, or generally not a complete gigantic dork?

The answer, of course, is no.

He's a nice guy, really. But not my type at all. I think he's much older than he says - he swears he's 43, but I think he's closer to 50. We had an ok time, but by the end of the date he was asking me to call him Daddy, which is way beyond creepy. Eww.

And, guess who called while I was on the date? Yeah, the bass player. I knew he would. He always calls when I'm with someone else. I didn't answer.

He called three times yesterday too. I didn't answer the first two, but I finally talked to him on the third call. He apologized (again) for being such a dick. He said he'd been 'meaning to call me'. Uh, yeah. I told him that it was cool, I've been busy anyway. He started to go on and on about why he didn't call and what's been going on, and I told him that he didn't have to explain himself to me - Ever. We're just friends, after all. Then he said that he had a lot of things to tell me. Yeah, he says that a lot, but never tells me anything of any significance.

I'm getting tired of being his emotional booty call.

Sigh.

I still like him, and I wish he weren't such an idiot. But I'm not sitting around waiting for him to change his mind.

The thing about the bass player...

2009-10-29T14:01:00.002-06:00

I’m trying desperately to understand why I can’t seem to get this guy out of my head. Let’s recap the whole thing, from the beginning.

June 7th – we met for the first time that Sunday, briefly, when he arrived at my daughter’s place to record with the band. It was a quick 'hello' and a handshake. Nothing too exciting. I wasn't interested, all I could think about were my shows I had coming up that Wednesday and Saturday.

During the week we talked and hung out every day. He was up late a lot, and so was I most of the time. But he didn’t appear to be trying to get me naked. He played different kinds of music for me. We talked about everything under the sun. Not sex though. The conversations never went in that direction. But he always seemed glad to see me. Always had a smile. He always opted to stay and talk to me rather than go out with the guys, unless they had work to do.

Wednesday nite I saw him when I got back from the Improv. He was a little drunk – so was I, duh – and he came and hugged me and told me how cool I was. Um, ok.

Saturday nite I did a guest set in the late show at Hyena’s. It went well and I was way pumped when I got home. I was also pretty intoxicated. He was the only person awake, as it was well after 1 in the morning. Somehow we started making out and ended up in bed together. The next morning, he went with us to visit my mom. Weird.

We continued our physical relationship for the remainder of his visit. He told me how great it was to be with someone who was mature, funny, and not an idiot.

Every nite when he was leaving with the guys to go record, he would come over and hug me, somewhat awkwardly, before he left. I thought it was kinda cute, although unnecessary.

I drove him to the bus station when it was time for him to go home. We exchanged numbers, but I didn’t really think I would hear from him. When we arrived downtown, I was going to walk him in and say goodbye. But instead, I was accosted by a half-dozen or so cab drivers who were asking me about my car, so I gave him a quick hug and sent him on his way. He texted me several times that evening, which surprised me a bit. He called me the next nite after he got home, and he said he wished he’d kissed me before he left. Again, I thought that was kinda cute.

Over the next week he called me a lot. He said he missed me and hoped to see me again soon. We talked on a regular basis from then on, thru June, July, August and September. He called me a lot – sometimes drunk, sometimes sober. Sometimes he cried, telling me he didn't understand how someone like me could care about someone like him. He told me he wanted to move to Dallas.

He told me a lot of things. Things he hasn't told many, if any, others.

He called me late at nite.
He called me early in the morning.
He called when he was working. He called to tell me what bands he was working with. He called to tell me how his own shows went.

He called. A LOT.
We texted. A LOT.
I sent him pictures. He loved every one of them and asked when I'd send another.

But let's be very clear about this - HE was the one who was pursuing ME. I didn't call him very much. And I didn't always answer when he called. And I'm not sure when it became apparent to me that I was really hung up on him.

When my mom and I decided to go to Albuquerque for my birthday, I thought maybe he would react badly. But he didn't. He was happy, excited even, that I was going to be there. He called me every day for those two weeks to make sure I was still coming, to find out when I'd be there, where I was going to stay, what I wanted to do.

On the day mom and I headed out, he kept in touch with me all day to make sure we were safe and still coming. And he showed up to see me at 8:30 in the morning that Friday. I could tell he was glad to see me. He did have to work some while I was there, but he texted me constantly and called when he could.

My birthday, Saturday, my mom and I spent most of the day together. He and I didn't get to be alone until late Saturday afternoon.

And that's when it got weird.

So I can't figure out how we went from 4 months of him liking me, to him being totally shitty to me, lying about having a girlfriend (yeah, found that out last week), and not talking to me at all.

Analysis? Anyone?

Notes

2009-10-29T07:52:00.003-06:00

Here are a couple of notes I've left for my daughter this week:

"Hey! Here's a funky pen for you! Hope you like it. Love, Mom"

"My boss bought me this awesome candle! You can burn it if you like, it smells yummy! xoxo, Mom"

And here are the notes she's left me this week:

"Stop using so much toilet paper. Three squares MAX!!!"

"Stop using the DVD player if you're not going to put the movies away when you're done. Seriously."

Hmm. There seems to be a disconnect and imbalance of power in my house.

Attractions.

2009-10-28T14:35:00.002-06:00

I attract two kinds of men.

The ones who fall in love with me immediately.

And the ones who push me away constantly.

What's up with that?

Hi there.

2009-10-27T13:08:00.003-06:00

Just a couple of random pics. The group pic is me at my last show at Theo's in Grand Prairie, with Kasambwe, Jay Cuellar, and some other dude who was a friend of one of the comics.

Wish me luck

2009-10-27T10:57:00.002-06:00

I have a date this weekend, with a real grown-up man. He's over 40, has a real job, is not a wannabe rock star, doesn't live with his parents, has grown children who live in an entirely different city, and thinks I'm pretty damned amazing.

Weird, huh?

I've been putting him off for a while as I've been busy with people who don't give two shits about me as a person. (Good thinking, Jenn). He's the kind of guy who will undoubtedly show up with flowers, take me to a nice restaurant, tell me I'm wonderful and beautiful, and not expect anything at the end of the nite.

Yes, Jenn, these men are called ADULTS. Say it with me now: A-D-U-L-T-S.

Not a college student. Not an immature musician. Not a drug dealer or former inmate.

He's definitely the settling-down kind. And if things go well, maybe I will be too.

I'm never far from the horse.

2009-10-23T06:12:00.000-06:00

Howdy y'all.

I've been a little whiny lately. Yeah, thanks for listening and all. Here's the thing - I really like Joe. And I figured out why I like him - because he's completely wrong for me, and I actually can't have him. But that's the way it goes, ain't it? We're still friends after the trip and the news and all that. I'm sure I'll see him again at some point. I know it's ridiculous to like this guy - seriously, you don't have to tell me just how ridiculous it is. But what I didn't tell him is that I'm kept plenty busy at home. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

This is Rob. He's a super funny national headliner who tours all over the country, and he just filmed a couple of commercials for TBS. And he totally digs me. :) I did a guest set at one of his shows at Hyena's back in June and we've been talking ever since. How cool is it that a sorta-famous guy digs me? He's very nice and I'm hoping he will come see me soon when he has a couple of days off. He also asked me to open for him next time he does shows at Hyena's. Won't be until next year, but I'll take it! And no, I haven't slept with him. Yet. It's kinda nice to have a guy dig me so much without having to see me naked! Sweet.

I saw my Italian boy the nite before I left for New Mexico. Here's what he says about me: "You're hot, you're funny as hell, and you have mad skillz!". He's sweet, cute, and always complimentary. What's not to like about that! And we've been hanging out for over a year now.

So I really have no reason to be sad or depressed at all. I have plenty of great things going on. I just need to stop letting my head get wrapped around the wrong ones. I can do it!

Hugs and happy Friday!

Ok, here we go

2009-10-22T06:57:00.000-06:00

Thursday, 10/15/09 - Mom and I headed out around 3 PM for our amazingly long drive to New Mexico. My directions said it would be approximately 11 hours, but it actually ended up taking 14 hours with all the stops we made along the way. We stopped in Denton for late lunch, Oklahoma City for beverages, and rolled into Amarillo around midnite. We saw the largest cross in the Western Hemisphere - that's what the sign said - just outside of Amarillo. It was pretty darn big, we could see it from many miles away, even in the dark. We laughed and talked all the way. Had some very funny moments, and we bonded a lot. Mom told me stories about when she was my age. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in all my life! It was awesome.

We got to Tucamcari a couple of hours later and stopped at a Denny's for coffee. That was an adventure. The only waiter on duty was all messed up on pain pills and alcohol, so we ended up being served by a drunken, off-duty waiter. He was much better than the other guy.

Friday, 10/16/09: Finally reached Albuquerque around 4:30 AM - mountain time. The hotel we were originally going to stay at was more expensive than their website had mentioned, so we found something more reasonable close by. Got checked in and finally to sleep around 5:30. My phone rang at 8 AM - it was the bass player. He was coming to see me. So we got up, got dressed and were ready to go again! He went with us to breakfast and showed us around town a bit. We went to the Balloon Fiesta Museum and Gift Shop, it was lovely. My mom was really excited about seeing it. Then we went to the Bien Mur Indian Market on the reservation, right next to the Sandia Casino at the base of the Sandia Mountains. Mom bought me a gorgeous hand-made silver and turquoise ring for my b-day.

We went back to the hotel, bass player left and we took a quick nap. Then it was off to Old Town Albuquerque, where there are incredible shops and neat little places to visit. We took lots of pictures and had dinner at a mexican restaurant. I love that they put chile on everything in New Mexico. The food was amazing.

Saturday, 10/17/09: My birthday! Woke up at 7:30, ready to go again! Mom and I went to the Sandia Casino and played slot machines. It was hilarious watching my mom gamble. We didn't win anything, and we didn't spend very much money, but it was a whole lot of fun. We had breakfast at the casino, and it was delicious. Then we drove up to Santa Fe. Just such a beautiful place. We went to the square and walked around, looking at all the neat little shops and sites. Bought some Hatch chile peppers from a farmer's market, and an assortment of jarred chile sauces. Yummy! Back to the hotel around 5:00 and bass player came over for a couple of hours. Then mom and I went out for a steak dinner for my birthday. Bass player came back later and we had a few beers, yadda yadda yadda.

And after we yadda'd, he told me that he has a girlfriend. I've told him all this time that I didn't care if he's sleeping with random chicks on the road and such, as I kinda do the same thing. But if something serious were to come along, he needed to tell me about it. Well, he did tell me about it - after we slept together. Figures. I don't ever want to get in the middle of anything, and I'm very disappointed that he didn't have the balls to tell me earlier. Oh well. We talked about a lot of things. He told me a lot of really personal stuff, and I held back and told him nothing, like I always do with men. And now I'm back at home and resolved to not talk to him anymore, for any reason.

He said it was good to see me, that I made him "very happy". Yeah, I make everyone happy for a couple of hours.

Mom and I drove back Sunday morning. A long drive indeed. Not nearly as much fun as the drive up. We got back home around midnite, and I spent a couple of hours relaying the details to my daughter, who stayed home, looked after the cats, cleaned the house and went grocery shopping. Such a good kid she is!!!

I took a ton of pictures, but most were not digital. I'll try to get them scanned and put them up here.

So I'm home, back at work, sober and still single. Had a lot of fun and I'm glad we went. It's a beautiful place, I definitely want to go back and do some of the touristy things that we didn't get to do.

Vacation Photo Opps :)

2009-10-21T08:10:00.002-06:00

So here are a few photos that I took on my vacation. This is a shot of the Sandia Mountains from the Sandia Casino Resort. Absolutely beautiful!
Mountains from a distance.
As close as we could get to the mountain. There are incredible houses on this road.
I wish I could live here!
Me and my mom in Albuquerque. We were shopping and site-seeing in Old Town.
Me and Joe, aka, the bass player, at the Indian market.
Look at me at a slot machine! This was my first time to ever be in a casino. It was cool.
The Bien Mur Indian Market. I got cigarettes for $32 a carton and NO TAX!!!!! Freaking sweet! Plus I bought a bunch of souvenirs for my kids.
A herd of buffalo on the Indian reservation.

Letting other people's words speak for me today...

2009-10-20T15:15:00.003-06:00

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves.
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

-Evanescence, "Call Me When You're Sober"

Another one gone....I can't seem to keep them around anymore....

2009-10-20T12:19:00.002-06:00

Think I'm going for a walk now, I feel a little unsteady
I wonder what will follow me, except maybe you
I can make you happy, if you weren't already
I could do a lot of things, and I do
To tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type, but I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So, fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For exisiting in the first place
And who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

Two-thirty in the morning and my gas tank will be empty soon
Neon sign on the horizon, rubbing elbows with the moon
Safe haven of sleepless where the deep fryer is always on
Radio is counting down top 20 country songs
Out on the porch the fly strip is waving like a flag in the wind
You know I don't look forward to seeing you again
You look like a photograph of yourself, taken from far, far away
I won't know what to do, and I won't know what to say

Except, fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For exisiting in the first place
And who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

I see you and I'm so perplexed
What was I thinking?
What will I think of next?
Where can I hide?
In the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table
And when the fan is on it swings gently side to side
There's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing
I see Orion and say nothing

The only thing I can think of saying is
Fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For exisiting in the first place
And who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

That who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that
Said who am I?
Somebody, somebody just tell me that much

-Ani DiFranco, "Fuck You"

What I did on my Fall vacation

2009-10-20T12:02:00.002-06:00

Hey folks, I'm back from New Mexico! Had an awesome birthday, lots of fun with my mom doing touristy stuff; fun with the bass player - who will no longer be referred to as 'my' bass player. Sigh. Lots to write about but no time at the moment, so we'll catch up soon.

Vacation!

2009-10-14T07:36:00.002-06:00

Yo, blog readers. What's up?

So things have been kinda crappy lately. Well, I don't know. I'm just in a mood, and have been for about 6 days now.

Really bad set on Sunday nite at Hyena's. So bad I don't even want to talk about it. But I cried and fretted and beat myself up over it on Monday, so I'm ready to go to the Improv tonite. Not going up, just going to support.

Had an icky stomach virus for a few days - which probably contributed to my bad set on Sunday, but whatever. Feeling sooo much better.

I have dumped/deleted/forgotten the majority of young boys in my repertoire - is that a good word for it? Harem? I don't know. I'm hanging on to the bass player and my Italian boy. I'm tired of the rest.

My birthday is Saturday. 41. Freaking yay.
My mom and I are going to New Mexico tomorrow for a few days - right after I go to the State Fair with the Alzheimer's patients. We get to shop and eat and see cool things in Santa Fe and Albuquerque - and I get to see my bass player. Sweet! It's only been 4 months.

Big hugs.
Road trip!!!!

It's been a busy year

2009-10-07T07:55:00.002-06:00

Do you guys remember that song, "88 Lines About 44 Women" ? Well, this is my tribute. Call it a rip-off, if you will, but I thought it was funny. If you feel that you were left off the list, well, this is my list from THIS year. lol. And I know I don't usually mention names, but I'm pretty sure that no one really knows who these guys are. Enjoy. :)

28 Lines About 15 Guys

Sean is cute and 24,
He likes to do it on the floor.
Victor is just 22 –
You’d be amazed what he can do.
Daniel was so 23,
He played guitar and sang to me.
David was a psycho bore,
Too old for me at 34.
Jason, all of 27 –
I hope I see his cock in heaven.
Chris tends bar, he’s 31.
He brings me wine when he gets done.
At 37, Joe plays bass.
Says he really likes my face.
25, that hippie John –
I wondered what drugs he was on.
Hazi was just 21 –
Not much older than my son!
The Russian guy who fixed my car
Was old enough to be a Czar.
Dan played drums, he’s 28.
He really wasn’t really all that great.
Geoffery, a funny 30.
He liked it rough, he liked it dirty.
Joel’s a friend, he’s 26.
He needs to get his marriage fixed.
Ryan, sweet and 33,
Never had the time for me.
Paul’s my age, we’re good friends.
He’ll be a bachelor til the end.
And now this poem has got to end.
28 lines about 15 guys.

Sounds like me, doesn't it?

2009-10-06T07:19:00.001-06:00

Caroline laughs and
It's raining all day
She loves to be one of the girls
She lives in the place
In the side of our lives
Where nothing is
Ever put straight
She turns herself round
And she smiles and she says
'This is it! That's the end of the joke!'

And loses herself
In her dreaming and sleep
And her lovers walk
Through in their coats

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

All of her lovers
All talk of her notes
And the flowers
That they never sent
And wasn't she easy
And isn't she
Pretty in pink

The one who insists
He was first in the line
Is the last to
Remember her name

He's walking around
In this dress
That she wore
She is gone
But the joke's the same

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

Caroline talks to you
Softly sometimes
She says
'I love you' and
'Too much'
She doesn't have anything
You want to steal
Well
Nothing you can touch
She waves
She buttons your shirt
The traffic
Is waiting outside
She hands you this coat
She gives you her clothes
These cars collide

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

It's a funny thing...

2009-10-01T06:58:00.000-06:00

Another good show last nite. I was asked to do a show at Hyena's in Dallas on October 11th. Sweet! I'm so thankful for my sense of humor.

Met another 23 year old. Geez. I need to branch out.

2009-09-30T07:41:00.001-06:00

I took her out, it was a Friday night
I wore cologne to get the feeling right
We started makin' out and she took off my pants
But then, I turned on the TV

And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And are still more amused by TV shows
What the hell is ADD, my friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

Then later on, on the drive home
I called her mom from a pay phone
I said I was the cops and your husband's in jail
This state looks down on sodomy

And that's about the time that bitch hung up on me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And are still more amused by prank phone calls
What the hell is call ID, my friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And you still act like you're in freshman year
What the hell is wrong with me, my friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?

That's about the time that she broke up with me (what's my age again?)
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me, I'll never wanna act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

What's my age again...

-Blink 182

It's lonely in the middle

2009-09-28T07:03:00.000-06:00

Good show on Saturday nite at Taste of the Islands. Really great crowd, but most of them were African and they were there to see the headliner. I'm not sure they all understood what I was saying.

I'm a little sad at the moment. I can't really put my finger on it. I got blown off by the 23 year old. Didn't meet anyone new over the weekend. Italian boy texted me finally, after a month - at midnite last nite. Hmph. I said no. Now I have 2 headliners who think they like me. I'm just kinda tired of it all.

23 is too young.
Chef is too busy.
Bass player is too far away.

Sigh.

More to say, but no energy to say it. I'll be back in Grand Prairie this Wednesday nite at Theo's. Should be a great show. Come see me!

My Latino Line-Up

2009-09-21T07:27:00.000-06:00

What is it with me and Latinos? :)

So, we all went out on Friday nite, including the chef. We had a nice time. That's about it. He didn't touch me, or make a move toward me, or give me any indication that he's at all interested in me. We did get to spend some time alone before everyone else arrived, so I delved into his past and his marriage and all that jazz. I think he's afraid that women are only after his money. I don't want his money, I just want to hang out with him! I think this one's dead in the water. Figures. The one guy who is my age and utterly perfect for me is just not that into me. Sigh.

I had breakfast and hung out with my super hot friend Victor. He's the 21 year old that I talk about. He's 22 now. We're just friends, he's getting married next year, but we used to have a lot of fun together. I just love being seen with him! Every woman within eye shot checks him out hardcore. It's really funny. I don't think he knows how hot he is. A Puerto Rican cutie.

The 23 year old has been over to visit me a couple of times. He's a very sweet boy. I'm hoping he doesn't get too attached to me. He was supposed to be leaving for Boston to go to school, but it fell thru, so he'll be here for another year. I like him, and I swear if he were older I'd probably keep him around forever! But 23! Damn. He's very attentive and complimentary. He noticed that my nails and toes were done. He rubs my feet. He makes me laugh. Yikes. I'm gonna have to get away from this one pretty damn fast.

Bass player still calls. And all of these guys are Latino. My Latino line-up, I like to call them. And I'm still, for all intents and purposes, single.

Out of the kitchen

2009-09-16T07:51:00.000-06:00

I have a 'date' with the Chef this Friday. Woot! Damn that took forever. I use quotation marks on 'date' to indicate that it's not just going to be us. I invited him to happy hour with myself and my co-workers after work on Friday. My 2 favorite therapists, Lori and Brian, are leaving and heading to their next assignment, so we're having a small farewell party. I figured it was innocuous enough to ask him along, and then I can gauge how he behaves around me outside of work. I should know pretty quickly if he's interested or not. Wish me luck.

No joke - I really am funny

2009-09-14T07:45:00.000-06:00

Howdy bloggers. I've been neglectful of you and I'm sorry, I've just been so busy.

The show last Tuesday at Absolute Rehearsal Studios was good. Small crowd, but we made the best of it.

Saturday nite in Grand Prairie was the bomb. OMG. I'm really getting good at working the crowd. That used to scare me to death. I made $50 in tips and they asked me to come back, so I guess that's all good!

I met the cutest boy there, too. ha! This one was 23, and he followed me home like a puppy. Ahh, youth. Gotta love it. What a sweetie.

Nothing happening with the chef. The bass player still calls me all the time. I'm doing ok, really. I'm doing ok.

More shows!

2009-09-03T11:07:00.002-06:00

I've been asked to do a couple more shows this month!

TONITE - Hyena's Arlington at 8 PM. No cover, should be a good show.

Saturday, September 12th -
Theo's
Grand Prairie
8 PM, no cover

Last nite was a good one! I'm hoping to be back on their list next month, The Mosaic is lovely! And I had 5 friends come see the show, which was awesome. Yay!

ChefWatch 2009

2009-09-03T07:30:00.000-06:00

I haven’t written in a few days. Sorry about that. I don’t have a computer at home anymore so I have to do this when I have time at work, usually early in the morning or at lunch.

So the chef is a very busy fellow. But, even as busy as he is, he still notices when I’m not around. I didn’t go to the daily staff meeting Monday, and I didn’t see him at all during the day. So Monday nite, he called to see if everything was ok. Aww. Isn’t that sweet? I told him that I was at work, just busy all day and didn’t have time to attend the meeting. I’m just happy that he noticed.

This one’s gonna be tough though. He’s incredibly busy, super ambitious, and I wonder how he could ever squeeze me in for a little while. But I hope that we can get together sometime soon, even if only for a drink and a chat.

He will be mine.
Oh yes, he will be mine.

September shows

2009-08-28T07:30:00.002-06:00

Here's where I'll be bringing the funny so far for September....

Wednesday, September 2nd
Opening Bell Coffee House at the Mosaic, Downtown Dallas
8 PM, $5 cover

Tuesday, September 8th
Second Tuesday Comedy Show @ Absolute Rehearsal Studios
I-35 at Walnut Hill, Dallas
8 PM, no cover

Wednesday, September 9th
Hyena's Open Mic
Mockingbird Station, Dallas
8 PM, no cover

Saturday, September 26th
Taste of the Islands Caribbean Bar and Restaurant
Spring Creek @ Alma, Plano
8 PM, no cover. I'm hosting this one.

Still trying to get more time at Hyena's. The Open Mic switches from Sundays to Wednesdays beginning on September 9th. I won't be doing this Sunday's open mic cuz it's my daughter's b-day.

Soup's On!

2009-08-25T13:57:00.002-06:00

Last nite, I turned down my favorite booty call. I'm getting tired of everything always being on his terms. I'm tired of him never responding to my calls or texts, but expecting me to drop everything when he calls me. So instead of happily running over there, I said simply, "Nope, not tonite." I feel all bad-ass and powerful now.

So the Chef gave me his digits today. Go me! I've been chasing this guy for months, and I don't believe he really noticed until a few weeks ago. I think I shall call him tonite and see if he wants to have a drink. I found a neat little place in Lakewood that would be perfect.

Coincidences

2009-08-20T11:32:00.004-06:00

Howdy. Hope you all are doing fine and dandy on this beautiful Thursday morning.

Wow, that was a little too chipper, eh?

I've been feeling shitty for a few days, but doing better today, thankfully. And thanks for your concern.

I've read 2 books over the past 2 weeks, which is unusual for me. The first one was "The Manhattan Hunt Club" by John Saul, which I liked a lot. The second was "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris, who is officially my new favorite gay man on the planet. The two books were not at all similar - one is a suspense/thriller type and the other a series of humorous essays. But there was one odd coincidence in both books - both authors capitalize the word 'dumpster'. I found this to be curious, so I did some googling. Apparently, 'Dumpster' is a brand-name, like Band-Aid, so it's always capitalized in literature. Weird, huh? Maybe that's something you didn't know!

I went to get my hair cut today at lunch time, and I decided to try a place I've never been to before. I've been hesitant to find a new hairdresser since my friend Josh died last year. He was my friend first, a comedian second, and my hairdresser as a side note. The cutest straight hair guy you could ever meet! I miss him terribly and I just couldn't bring myself to find someone new. But today, I needed a new look. I walked into Floyd's on Greenville and sat down. A girl came over and introduced herself, and took me over to her chair. We started talking about my hair and why it's been so long since I've had anything done to it. Then I mentioned that I'm a comedian, and suddenly she looked shocked. "I know you," she told me. I looked at her more closely and although she was familiar, I couldn't quite place her. "You're talking about Josh, right?" she asked, and I nodded. "We've met before, I came to your apartment with him a while back!" And suddenly I remembered her. Amy, the girl with all the cool tattoos, including eyeliner and lipstick. I met her on the day she had the face stuff done. How crazy that we should run into each other again, especially at the hair salon. We talked about Josh and how we both remembered him so fondly. It's coming up to the one year anniversary of his death, so it really was nice to find someone who knew him like I did.

Small world. Very small indeed.

Move? Check. Dignity? Check minus.

2009-08-14T07:07:00.000-06:00

I think I've done enough whining lately, so it's time to get back on the positive side of things.

We're done with the move. Finally. I now have a fully functional apartment with no roommates. All that's left is to hang up some pictures and such.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, I got my car back yesterday. Don't ask. Seriously.
It's running for now, but I'm still going to sell it, or at least try to trade it in for something newer.

Work is crazy busy but that's a good thing. I'm still trying to work my charm and magic on the chef who works there. He's been extra chatty with me lately, but I don't know if it means anything. I've learned not to get my hopes up about boys.

Fairly happy with life at the moment. Hope all is well with you.

Not a happy camper today

2009-08-11T07:08:00.003-06:00

I'm going to complain, and you guys are gonna let me, mmkay? Thanks.

The move went terribly. I still don't have my living room furniture, a TV or my daughter's bed. Nice, huh? Here's a PSA for ya - never store your stuff at a 'friend's house'. I paid him twice what I would have paid at a store-your-shit-yourself place, and have none of the access. And even though we have confirmed the day and time that the movers would be there, for some reason he decided to blow me off and leave town for a couple of days. Still haven't heard from him. So I paid the movers extra money to make an extra stop, which they didn't have to make. Did they charge me anyway? Hell yes they did. They hardly had to carry anything, mostly boxes, one bed and a chair. Yippee. Fuckers. I'm so mad at the whole situation. The whole point of hiring movers in the first place was to keep my friends from having to help move my shit up 3 flights of stairs. As it stands, I'm gonna have to ask someone for help. That is, whenever that douchebag decides to come back and let me get my stuff.

One of our cats has a urinary tract infection. And sadly, I can't afford to take him to the vet. Hell, I'm so broke I can't afford a pack of cigarettes. And don't give me that, "This would be a good time to quit, Jenn" shit. That just makes me angrier.

Cute Italian boy came over last nite - so I guess that solves the mystery of who will be the first boy I have over at my new place. We have a good time, but when he leaves, I feel kinda empty. Gah. I don't want to sound all girlie, but it would be nice to have someone who actually cared about me as a person instead of just my body parts. The Cuban guy never called me back. It's funny, if I don't put out, they don't call back, but if I give it up, they always want to see me again. Sigh. I hate that. The bass player has been calling me a lot, while he's sober. That's a switch. I think he likes me too much, but I don't have to worry about that since he's in New Mexico.

Car is still in the shop and I refuse to sleep with that greasy, disgusting Russian guy to get a discount. So now it will be at least a month before I can get it back, and I doubt he will let it stay there that long for free. I'm taking the bus to work and it sucks so much I just want to cry. It's a 10 minute drive to my office from home - it's an hour on Dart. Fuck.

I'm gonna try to cheer up. I know there's a bright side to all of this, I'm just not seeing it today.

I'm not easily forgotten

2009-08-04T07:12:00.002-06:00

The 27-year old called me last nite, out of the blue. He's been working out of state since May and we haven't talked in a while. I was surprised to hear from him. I have to admit, I was also glad to hear from him. Out of all the boys I've spent time with in the past year, he's always been my favorite. Looks like he'll be coming back to town soon. Score! He has no idea what's in store for him.

My Facebook pic is hard at work, y'all. They're crawling out of the woodwork and over each other to get to me. I find it hilarious. And a tad bit flattering.

He did hack one of my jokes, but in a good way. Short story - he was at a party, and 2 large girls came up to him, trying to get his attention. He leaned over to his buddy and said, "Do I smell like cake?"

Sweet. I know we'll never have anything serious together, but by golly, he'll never forget me.

Look at me!

2009-08-03T07:41:00.002-06:00

My new pic here is also my Facebook profile pic. It's been getting a lot of attention. I've been getting friend requests from men I don't know, and over the weekend I was asked out on a date via Facebook. It's someone I've known for a long time, he used to be in my ex's improv group, but we've never really hung out. Honestly, I thought he was gay. lol. So he sends me a message out of the blue, asking how I'm doing and what I'm up to, etc. I wrote to him that I'm just working, doing comedy, that sort of thing. He wrote back again, said he had been writing some stand-up and that we should get together over drinks and talk about it, and that he really liked my picture.

Hmm. Ok.

You were right to label it my 'spank pic', Tom. It sure seems to have that affect!

My weekend, let's see...I went on a date with a hot Cuban guy from work on Friday nite. We'll see if that goes anywhere. It was fun, he's interesting. Saturday nite I got to see my Italian boy, and Sunday I had daquiris and pool time with my crazy friend Paul. I do believe we were the oldest people at The Village pool.

Moving to my new place this Friday! Woot! I can't wait. This weekend I'll be able to have a boy over if I want to. lol. Any takers?

Out of the mouths of babes and friends

2009-07-31T11:30:00.002-06:00

So I told my 16 year old daughter, the princess, that we're moving to a 3rd floor apartment. Her response?

"But mom, how will you get up there when you're drunk?"

Hahahahahahahaha.

In other news...

I've realized that I really need more female friends. Most of my friends are guys, and that's cool and all, but there are times when having a male friend is less than helpful. Example...

Joel and I are talking. I'm telling him all the drama in my life - car, home life, kids, work, everything that's been stressing me out. I'm completely in tears, relaying all of the issues that I'm going thru at the moment. He listens, looks like he was paying attention, and then he says to me: "Jenn, just let me see your tits."

Fuck "When Harry Met Sally". Men and women can't be just friends. :)

One foot in front of the other

2009-07-28T07:04:00.002-06:00

Well this has been a stressful month for me, but things are finally improving. I got approved for an apartment, which means no more roommates and no more living with my oldest daughter, aka, Satan. Seriously, this child is not my best work. It's been a very hostile living situation for a while. As if life isn't stressful enough. My oldest daughter reminds me a lot of my mother, actually. She berates me constantly, never has a kind word to say, and is just generally unpleasant. She's a very 'what's in it for me' kind of person - and as soon as my car broke down again, I was of no use to her. My younger daughter, on the other hand, is a princess. She's sweet and loving and does everything she can to stay out of her sister's way. We all do, really. It's just been such a nightmare. But having been evicted when I lost my job last year, it has been extremely difficult to get approved for a place to live. I found an apartment locator who worked hard to find a place for me, and I'm so thankful that I found him! If you're ever in need of that kind of help, please call him. Bryan Williams at Apartment Dispatch. You can find him if you google.

So the car is still sitting in Richardson at the shop. I've gone back and forth on the 'offer' I got from the Russian guy. Is $500 worth of auto repairs worth losing my dignity and self respect? I really haven't decided yet.

Work is incredibly stressful. I've been put into a role that I'm not good at - hardass. I'm such a nice person, and everyone is doing a great job, just not great enough. We're all paying for the mistakes made by the previous workers, and suddenly we're expected to do a 360 and make it all work when nothing or no one did for over a year. I've had a month with the new staff, and things are getting better, just not fast enough for management. Dammit. I love this job and I'm not good at being the bad guy.

I don't have any shows scheduled at the moment. Probably a good thing, as I have a lot of other stuff to take care of in the next couple of weeks. My bass player called and apologized for being such a shit to me. He's stressed out too. Performers can be so dramatic. He may be coming to see me soon, but I'm not making him any promises. For all intents and purposes, I'm still officially single.

And I've been watching a friend basically drink himself to death. He's way too young to be so far gone and it kills me. I've tried to talk to him about it and he brushes me off with the usual, "I can handle it, don't worry about me" bullshit. Fine. I've decided that we just can't be friends anymore. The final straw was Saturday morning, when he called me at 7 AM and asked, "Where's New Braunfels?" Near Austin, I said. "Oh, well that's where I am. I don't know how I got here." Great. Enjoy your slow and painful death, buddy.

One day at a time, folks. One foot in front of the other. I'll make it. We all will.

The skinny on the funny

2009-07-22T07:04:00.001-06:00

Happy Hump Day, folks. I wanted to let you all know how my shows went at Hyena’s Arlington last weekend.

Friday nite, we had 2 shows. The headliner was a British guy named Steve Hirst. When I went into the ‘green room’ to meet him and check on guest set and feature comedians, he was a total dick to me. I didn’t really expect for him to be nice. He headlines all over and the opening act is never really someone they pay attention to. So my first impression of him was: Douche.

First show started at 8:30. Let me just say that I was nervous as fuck. But I got up there and did a great set, introduced everyone correctly, and made sure all the announcements for the club were done as well. Headliner Steve said ‘Good job’ in passing after the first show. Second show at 11 went just as well, and after all was said and done, Headliner Steve talked to me a bit more. Said he thought I was really good and that he hoped things worked out for me in comedy. That was nice.

It’s funny how nice people are to you after you do a good job. Hmph.

Saturday nite there were 3 shows. The first one at 7 was not my best. The audience wasn’t responding as well as the nite before, and it threw me off. I cut my set short, and introduced the feature by the wrong name. Go Jenn! But the management people and the comedians told me to shake it off, that the early show is always rough. Headliner Steve said, “Maybe is wasn’t the crowd, maybe it was you.”

Thanks. Thanks for that.

Second show on Saturday nite was great! I was on, did a lot of ad libbing and messing with cute boys in the audience. I introduced everyone right this time and got the announcements done. I even got to call up a hot guy on stage for his birthday – his friends ordered him a Blowjob shot, and the waitstaff felt that I was more appropriate to do it than one of the guys. I had a lot of fun with it.

Third show was ok. Not great, not bad, but ok. I got some cute pics of me, a couple with the other acts, and overall, I think it was a success. They asked me to come back, so I’m officially in the rotation as an opener. Yay!

Early Sunday morning, when I was on my way home for the nite, I discovered that my wallet, my make-up bag and my notebook were missing. I called the club frantically but they hadn’t found anything. Fail! I cried all the way home, mostly for the notebook, because there are thoughts and ideas in there that I can’t easily replace.
But around 9 am, I got a call from a woman who had found my wallet! No, not at the club, but in the parking lot of a Whataburger in Irving. I was nowhere near Irving, so obviously someone stole it out of my purse. Great! I got it back from these amazing good Samaritans. All that was missing was my little bit of cash. My license, debit card and other assorted things were still in tact. Still waiting to hear from the club on the notebook.

And, if that weren’t bad enough…in between the first and second show on Saturday is when my bass player blew me off. I was looking for a little comfort, a little consoling after my first set that sucked. Well, he was not interested in all that, got pretty shitty with me and that was pretty much the end of that.

I was totally depressed on Sunday so I packed up all my laundry and went to my mom’s. Why? Because mothers always tell you that you’re great, even if you suck. Sadly, my car died after arriving at her place so I was stuck there til Monday afternoon. But she did my laundry, so that was cool. I had the car towed to the Russians again. He called me today and said it would be around $600 to repair this time. I told him I couldn’t afford it. He said we could take it out in trade. What he meant was sex. Gross! Don’t get me wrong, if he were even slightly attractive, I would consider it, but he’s about 60 years old with a mouth full of gold teeth and dirty mechanic’s fingernails. Blech. I’m disgusted that he would even ask. Must have been the bobble penis on the dashboard. Obviously a girl with one of those is easy.

So that was my weekend. Anyone wanna buy a 1969 Toyota Corona?

Go ahead, say I told you so....

2009-07-21T07:44:00.002-06:00

Yes, Tom, this is meant for you. That whole monogamy thing was ridiculous and short-lived. I kinda knew it wouldn't turn out to be anything special, but sometimes a girl just has to hope.

So, I'm single. For real. Again. Yay! No worries, I have too much going on in my life to worry about having a boyfriend. And you're right, Tom. I don't really want one. Fact is, I don't know what I want.

Nothing better than being blown off via text. But here's a joke to go along with the situation:

What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Yeah. Take that.

My weekend at Hyena's was much better than I expected. I'll write more about that later.

Comedy is hard

2009-07-17T08:26:00.000-06:00

Good morning, and happy Friday! It’s my big opening weekend at Hyena’s Arlington! Holy crap! Five shows, two tonite and 3 tomorrow. I’m nervous, excited, and a plethora of other emotions. I hope it goes well. I have a few friends coming to see me so that will be cool.

I often wonder if other comedians get as emotional about performing as I do. When I have a good set, or when I’m invited to perform at various places, it makes me so happy I want to cry. Yeah, I know that’s girlie, but that’s how I react. When people come up to me after a show and tell me how much they enjoyed it, I’m almost shocked, and so very humbled and thankful that people think I’m funny.

I see these guys who’ve been doing it for years, and they are so non-chalant about it. I’m sure it means something to them, but I guess it’s just different. I don’t know. I wonder if they still get nervous, if they go over and over their stuff until they can’t stand it anymore. They all look so comfortable and confident, and I’m practically having a panic attack right before I go on. I read in a comedy book once that if you ever stop being nervous, then you’ve lost your edge. I’m not sure if that’s true of everyone, but it’s certainly true of me.

My bass player leaves for his tour tonite. They begin and end in Portland, and I sure wish I could go, for many reasons. I miss him, and I’d love to hang out with him, plus it would be nice to get away from this Texas heat for a while. But that’s not gonna happen. I know he’ll be in touch with me while he’s on the road. I’m the calmest thing in his life and he totally digs me.

Long-distance monogamy. Weird. I like it though. Keeps me hopeful and out of trouble.

I freaking rule

2009-07-15T11:08:00.002-06:00

I did a show at Absolute Rehearsal Studios last nite, and it was amazing! I wasn't quite sure what to expect at such a venue, but it really was great. It's a band rehearsal space (hence the name, duh), and the people were just the coolest ever. There's a bar too - well, of course there's a bar. Like I would perform someplace that didn't have one! Some of the band guys came to see the show and they frigging loved me. I got to hang out with one band in their practice room and listen to them jam. They're amazing. I was invited back just to hang out by a bunch of the musicians. Sweet!

I'm totally in love with these guys - Energy Williams. They fucking rock. Check them out, seriously. And I'm not just saying this because the bass player digs me. What is it with me and bass players? Anywho, here are their Myspace links and a Youtube video. Seriously talented young guys. And adorable to boot!

http://www.myspace.com/energywilliams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69W6fWsYvOA

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=36715234

A haunting

2009-07-13T17:49:00.003-06:00

My oldest daughter works at the original Snuffer's on Greenville Avenue in Dallas. I didn't find out until recently that it's haunted.

No, for real! It's actually listed in a book, "Haunted Places" by Dennis William Hauck. So I started googling and found several websites that mention various haunted activities. And now I can't tear myself away from the place! I keep eating there, hoping to see one of the ghosts that people talk about. So far I haven't seen an actual ghost, but I did see something pretty cool.

If you've been to Snuffer's, you know that the front rooms and the patio were additions made later on. The two orignial rooms are behind these areas, and they back up to The Granada Theater. My daughter told me about a mirror hanging in one of the dining areas that has a lip print on it, and if you wipe it off, it comes back in a few minutes. I didn't believe her, so I wiped it myself earlier, and sure enough, in a few moments, the print was right back on the mirror! Astounding!

What a cool place to have so close by. Here are a couple of links about the activities there.
http://www.haunted-places.com/paranorm.htm#TEXAS
http://www.geocities.com/Baja/Canyon/3741/investigations/snuffers.html

The times, they are a-changing....

2009-07-12T10:19:00.001-06:00

Man I've been so busy lately. Things are nuts, as always. Sick kids, work, comedy, trying to decide on where I'm going to live. Gah. So here's an update for all you kids out there who still read this. I know who you are.

So, the biggest news of all - my bass player pulled the 'G' word on me last nite.

No, not grandma.

"Girlfriend".
He called me his girlfriend.
Gulp.

But you know what? I'm ok with that. For all my whining and complaining about not being able to find a normal man, well, he certainly falls nowhere in the range of 'normal'. I dig him. He digs me. We'll see how this long-distance thing plays out. Don't look at me like that. It's cool. Really.

This is going to be a busy week. Lots of shows, a concert, my mom's birthday, and of course, my daily dealings with the elderly. Life's not too bad.

This set is clean, but I feel so dirty.

2009-07-10T10:50:00.003-06:00

I went to the Backdoor Comedy Club last nite and did a few minutes of clean material. I've been wanting to go for a while, I just never felt comfortable with all the restrictions they put in place.

If you're unfamiliar, I'll fill you in - you can't tell dirty jokes at the Backdoor. The ladies who own the place are very particular about what you can and cannot say. No sexual references. No F words. Certainly none of my blow job jokes. No references to farts, dicks, vaginas, etc.

So where does that leave me, you may ask?

Well, I sat down and pulled 7 jokes from my repertoire that were not dirty. I went with my buddy Joel, who goes up there every week. It felt strange to be there, and people were looking at me like, "What is SHE doing here????" It was kinda creepy.

I did my three minutes and moved on. It wasn't my best 3 minutes ever, but I can't say it was my worst. The bulk of the crowd were there to see a 13-year old boy. How can you compete with that?

I've never felt so dirty telling clean jokes. Gah.

Nice guy?

2009-07-08T07:19:00.000-06:00

So, my friend Joel is on a mission - to find me a 'nice guy'.

It's not going well.

There's a very fine line between 'nice' and 'goofy'. And I don't do goofy. Well, I take that back. I can take a little goofy, but it seems that the guys he deems to be 'nice guys' are far too goofy, dorky, whatever, for me to spend time with. Or, they seem really nice, but they're actually complete freaks when you get them alone.

Everytime I meet a new guy, they are shocked that I'm single. I'm a little surprised myself. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I'm cute, I'm funny, I'm fun to be with. I have great boobs, a great personality, and very little baggage and drama. So why can't I find someone who doesn't irritate the shit out of me?

Sigh.

Here's what I'm looking for - a man, aged 30's to 40's, no kids, or at least grown ones, stable job, no felonies, no history of mental illness, with a sense of humor and a decent sex drive. How hard can that be?

Comedy Schedule

2009-07-06T09:07:00.002-06:00

Hey folks! Here's my show schedule so far for the month.

Tuesday, July 14th
Absolute Rehearsal Studio
Dallas, TX
8 PM

Friday, July 17th and Saturday, July 18th
Hyena's Arlington
I'm hosting the early and late shows for the weekend.

Now that I've had my meds....

2009-07-03T07:48:00.002-06:00

Ha. Just kidding. Unless you count alcohol as a med.

Things are really Ok, I've just been a little overwhelmed. The car is repaired. I'm picking it up Monday when I have some money. I do have a very good mechanic, he just isn't close to where I live, so half the cost of fixing the car was having it towed to the shop. Oh well. I know they do a good job and don't screw me.

I did a guest spot at Hyena's Dallas last nite and it went well! My new co-workers, who are adorable by the way, came to see the show. They'll never look at me the same again, but I did warn them in advance. I really am loving this comedy thing again. I may be hosting all next weekend in Arlington, I'll let you know when I find out for sure.

I've been missing my bass player, but since we haven't quite gotten to the point of any sort of commitment, I decided to hook up with my long-term guy last nite. Yes, it was great and yes, I needed it. If I do become rich and famous, I'll be taking care of him. He's so worth it.

Tired today, holiday weekend approaching. Wish I had today off but it will be a short day.

Today is brought to you by the letter "F"

2009-07-01T18:05:00.000-06:00

As in, F boys, F cars, F ex-coworkers who are still, somehow making my life difficult even though they don't work here anymore! GAH!!!!

My car is in the shop. Something happened to the steering. Every guy I know says, "Oh, yeah, that sounds like a tie rod." But not one of them knows how to fix it.

And I am so sick of getting drunk dialed in the middle of the nite! Cut it out, Tom! haha.

More later, I'm off to dinner.

The Crush

2009-06-26T11:40:00.002-06:00

Well, it seems that the crush my grindcore bassist has on me is a little more severe than I anticipated. He's back home in Albuquerque, but we've talked almost every day since he left.

Now, we all know how Jenn feels about 'relationships' - I'm not good at them, and I don't have them. But this guy really seems to dig me, we're talking hardcore. I'm not convinced that I'm going off the market just yet, but there's a little whisper in my head that says, "Why the hell not?"

I think that part of his fascination with me lies in the fact that I'm so far removed from his music scene. I don't listen to it, don't follow it, I'm not a groupie or even close to being something similar. Not to mention that I'm possibly the exact opposite of most people he hangs out with. He says he loves talking to me because I'm not like 'those stupid 20-year old girls'.

His bandmates have been asking me this question: "What did you do to him?"

Well, the same thing I do to all the others, I suppose. But they're usually too young to really be won over by my Libran charm. But this one, he's a bit mesmerized. We've been having those long conversations, the ones that keep you up way too late, even though you have to work early the next morning. He misses me. He wants to come back and visit.

I am pretty damn charming, aren't I?

But as a performer, I also understand the love he has for what he does. Comedy is very important to me, music is very important to him. Plus he gets the added bonus of me not being jealous and crazy and, well, young. I'm not going to freak out when he goes on tour - which is coming up soon.

I don't know. We'll see how this develops. You'll be the first to know. :)

Nothing to see here

2009-06-23T08:56:00.003-06:00

I don't really have much to say. Crappy open mic last nite, a comedy buddy who doesn't know when to go home, and not enough sleep. Yay.

On the work front, we have new staff who are wonderfully amazing and I hope they stick around. I think they're gonna be great.

My long-term hook-up guy and I can't seem to, well, hook up these days. Our schedules don't match anymore, now that I work daytime hours. Not that I mind like him texting me at 2 AM to see if I'm available.

Wait...actually, I hate that. But that's how it goes sometimes.

Good news though - I put on a size 12 pants today - and they FIT!
Yay for a hard job!

Fun with Haiku

2009-06-18T15:08:00.003-06:00

My awesome new buddy Gina started this site, do check it out!

http://seriouslybadhaiku.blogspot.com/

You can even submit your own and she'll put them up. I have a couple on there, probably more to come. There's also a link over there on the right. Enjoy!

The Gropening

2009-06-18T05:53:00.002-06:00

I forgot that I said I would write about being groped by the 88-year old man, so Gina, this one's just for you.

Let it not be said that a man in a power scooter is harmless.

One of the patients we see weekly is 88 years old. We'll call him Fred, because that's his name. Fred is a widower with 7 children, all of them older than me by 15 plus years. He's about five fee tall and 350 lbs. He looks a bit like The Penguin from Batman. Several health conditions prevent him from being able to walk, but he's like Speed Racer in that chair of his.

When I first met Fred, he did indeed seem harmless. Helpless even. He had been referred to us due to repeated falls and he needed therapy for strengthening and transfers*. He was very sweet when I first visited him, unable to even get himself out of bed, and very thankful for the concern. As the weeks went on he asked me more and more questions about my life, my kids, etc. We had some really funny conversations. He was surprised, and a little excited, to find out that I was single. Said he wanted to take me to the symphony. He has season tickets, you see. But I said no, it wouldn't be appropriate.

Soon enough he was making comments about my boobs. They started out very mild. I had to hunt him down one day for therapy and I found him in the dining room. He refers to us as 'the terrorists', so he's not always happy to see one of us coming for him. I asked if he would come to therapy and he said he would. I bet him $5 that he wouldn't show up. About an hour later, lo and behold, he came rolling into the clinic.

Fred: "Well, where's my five dollars?"
Me: "Aww, Fred, I don't have any money. But I've got a big smile for you!"
Fred: "That's not all you've got!"

You can imagine, it just got worse from there. He actually asked one of my co-workers how much they thought I might charge to let him see the boobs. Ack! lol.

We were talking about me being a comedian one day and he asked if I ever went onstage topless. I said no, of course not. He said he would buy season tickets to see that. Ha!

He didn't show up for therapy one day so I went up to check on him. He wasn't feeling well but was happy to see me. We talked for a few minutes and I told him I had to get back to work. He wanted a hug - yeah, I should have seen this coming, right? - so I obliged, and the next thing I know, he reached up with a pudgy hand and grabbed a handful of boob. Was I surprised? Not really. When you get to be 88 years old, you really don't have anything left to lose.

The moral of the story: No matter how old a man gets, or how bad his memory becomes -
Men never forget boobs.

(*Transfers = therapy lingo, meaning getting from the bed to the chair, from the chair to the toilet, etc.)

Grindcore...it's not just for breakfast anymore.

2009-06-17T06:51:00.003-06:00

So these are the guys I've been hanging out with. Thankfully, they don't play in the apartment. I kinda liked this sort of music - when I was 17. I'm pretty sure this genre of music doesn't have a lot of female fans. :)

The only person I don't know in this video is the lead singer.

Drums - Bryan Fajardo

Bass - Joe Tapia

Guitar - Dorian (I don't know his last name. Luckily he's not the one I slept with. hahahah)

Rockin' It

2009-06-16T06:57:00.000-06:00

I had an amazing set at Hyena's Arlington Saturday nite. Just freaking amazing! When people pay to see a comedy show, they are ready to laugh, and it shows.
Not like at an open mic where they just happen to be listening in between innings. They dare you to make them laugh, and sometimes it's just hard to do.

The pic is me and the headliner, Rob Little. He was freaking hysterical! And so nice too. Overall it was a great show. They liked me so much, they are putting me in the rotation to be an opener. An opener!!!! I can't tell you how many people have said to me, "Jenn, you'll never be an opener, you're too dirty." Well fuck you! hahahaha. I'm very excited, excruciatingly proud of myself, and just a little humbled.

I slept with a semi-rock star over the weekend. This is funny. My oldest daughter's best friend is in a band - they play grind core, not really my scene, but I can appreciate the talent, and they are famous and very well known in that circle. His bass player has been staying with us all week while they record their next album/cd. He's in his 30's, and apparently had developed a little crush on me during the week. I was oblivious of course, and he had no idea how to approach me. Isn't that cute? LMAO. We finally hooked up after my show Saturday nite. What a fun guy. He totally digs me. Shame he's leaving to go back to Albuquerque today. Story of my life, as always.

In other news, my mom's health has not been well, so I'm watching her closely and trying to figure out how to move her in with me without us killing each other. I'll let you know if I resolve that.

Have a great day y'all. :)

Not that there's anything wrong with it....

2009-06-13T08:24:00.002-06:00

So American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert announced this week that he's gay.

Really? The guy who wears the heavy black eye-liner and looks like a girl is gay?
I'm shocked.

ha.

Now he and Clay Aiken can battle it out to see who's the gayest.
I still think Clay would win.

Today's winner from Yahoo Personals

2009-06-12T06:17:00.001-06:00

"I really am an aspiring author for financial self help books I'm just waiting for the economic crisis to get healed. I've been retired for 2 years now due to a terrible accident with a county vehicle that was leaking oil and a zoo poo pile. I love me thems womans!"

I'm curious about the zoo poo. But that's about it.

Another gem....

2009-06-11T07:14:00.002-06:00

Here's another from the Yahoo Personals:

"THE LIFE IS THE GREAT EXPERIENCE TO KNOW THE BEATY AND THE WORST OF THE LIFE, EVERY THING IS THE GREAT EXPERIENCE TO KNOW PEOPLE AND I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE LIVING THAT EXPERIENCE"

There's something to be said for brevity, but only when it makes sense.

Ugh.

2009-06-08T17:24:00.000-06:00

I was groped by an 88 year old man today. More on that later.

Wake up to this, y'all.

2009-06-08T06:58:00.001-06:00

Here I sit, a bit sunburned and slightly humbled from a rough set at Hyena's Dallas open mic. It's good to do badly sometimes. It reminds you that, no matter how good you think you are, you could be better. So that's what I'll try to do.

There were precisely 4 audience members and a gaggle of comics, as always. The 4 people who were paying attention stopped me on their way out the door. I asked them why there were leaving, and they said, "Well, you were done." I don't know these people, but they liked whatever it was I did when I was up there. Would have been nice if they'd shown their appreciation by laughing, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

And if a bad set and PMS weren't enough for a Monday morning....my friend Jill (linked on the right side over there) wrote some really nice things about me on her blog and I cried a little. Not the bad crying - like when I used to cry everyday because some douchebag told me another lie or dumped me for some chick 10 years younger than me. No, not that kind of crying. It was the good kind. The kind that happened after last Thursday nite's show in the car on the way home, after they told me they liked me. The kind of crying you do when you hear your 16 year old daughter play a song she wrote and you realize at that moment that she's incredibly brilliant. The kind of crying you do when your son, at the age of 15, still yells, "Mom! Watch me do this!"

Good crying. The kind you do when you realize that, in spite of all the bullshit in the world, you are loved by some very amazing and wonderful people. Thanks, Jill. I adore you too.

A real show!

2009-06-06T07:55:00.001-06:00

Well, they liked me so much on Thursday nite that they invited to be in a weekend show. Freaking amazing!

Saturday, June 13th
Hyena's Arlington
10:30 PM

There is a two item minimum, and I believe it's $10 to get in, but it will be roughly 4-5 comics instead of 10 or more. Tell them you're there to see me at the door. I get in better with the management folks when I bring people.

It's funny. It was exactly 4 years ago this week that I started getting booked at the West End Comedy Club. I was really sad when the owners moved away and it shut down. But I'm Hyena's bitch now. Yeah, that's right.

Come see me!!!!

Today's Winner

2009-06-04T07:21:00.001-06:00

Another gem from the Yahoo personals site:

"I want to visit a swing club. Looking for someone fun to go with. This Friday or Saturday night. I will be a gentleman. I just want to see this. I am married. I am fun and will be a blast to hang out with. If you ever wanted to explore this scene then do it with me. I will protect you or show you off or stay away and let you go. It is up to you. I am not sure what I want to do myself. You can bring a friend (female, club rules unless it is another couple.) if you want. I promise you a fun night and safe night. I think swing is such a crazy idea but I want to see it myself. Hope you will join me, let's laugh and explore together. No "performance" expected. Let's just see where it goes. Thanks."

This guy actually sent me a message and asked if I wanted to go.
LMAO.
No. No I don't.

2009-06-03T07:58:00.000-06:00

Unedited profile from Yahoo:

"hi im mark n im divorced n starting my new life all over agin but im very compasionate n very loving n i learned a lot from n about the opsite sex n e femenite male gender issues n so now im more comfortable n as you see me know in my photo n im geting older n statring too mellow out n geting very well seasoned in life n i just dont want too hurt no more n i will love the best i can with any female who wants too date me or get in too a realationship with me or marige agin cause i realate n can see it from a more fem point of view now n i know what women have too put up with from some males who are not very open minded n what some fems have too go thru but iin fact in a ice brkrs for now and if anyone has seen me before on personals home paige im still the same as you read or seen before on my prior profile n i still feel the same way n all same as before n as far as my photo goes im just a softer more efenite male with long hair but the phots was a little off beacuse of bad photographers errors n im not wearing lip stick or make up as it is only bad glare n bad lighting n bad camera efects from the people at the photo studio n thier bloch job well sort of n so anway thats about all n ill close for now so agin love n compasion for all females out thier now n forever n love for all the world now n forever bye bye love mark love usa"

Hi. Punctuation, have ya heard of it?
One, extremely gigantic run-on sentence. Wow. Just...wow.
(This is the one who's a cross-dresser)

The Undecipherable

2009-06-03T07:28:00.002-06:00

Here's an actual email I received from a guy on the Yahoo Personals. This is unedited, exactly how I got it:

"guy is setting at the bar , can i have a beer please the guy gives him a beer. setting guy prose beer on his head and the bar guy saids to him what are you doing and setting guy says I'm getting my date drank. hahahahahahaha i taught it was funny. well I'm glad and to thank you for taking the time and sounds like you have fun telling jokes and i can say some too but i have a job already. i have my own home and i have worked for the same company for23 years and i have a daugther and granddaughter that live with me right now . I'm a family man that takes care of family and will do anything i can to be there. i don't lie to people and i don't like to be lied at. i have allot of things i like to do like camping, walks at the park, movies,dancing (sometimes 2 left feet) i will not talk about the other sports. urcute"

I'm actually convinced that 90% of the guys on that site are retarded.

I have a date with a somewhat coherent guy this evening. Wish me luck. I can't say I'm optimistic. :(

Bringing the Funny

2009-06-03T07:18:00.000-06:00

Well, maybe. Here's where you can see me:

Thursday, June 4th:
Hyena's Arlington, 8 PM.

My first ever 'guest set' at a big name comedy club.
Yeah. Go me.

Wednesday, June 10th:
Addison Improv Open Mic, 8 PM.